sad this morning....

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TravisandJill said:
This morning I caught my DH looking at porn, and I am very hurt. I would have never thought he would do this. When I asked him what he was looking at on his phone he lied to me…then I told him I saw him looking at a picture so he finally admitted it. I thenasked him how much he looks at porn and he said at least 3 days a week.😦 I cant block the internet because he looks at it on his blackberry phone…and he needs the internet on there for work.

I just dont know how I can trust him now, especially since he can view porn anytime on his phone.

DH and I have been married 7 years, he is 27 and I am 26. We have 2 children and are all being baptised and joining the church on easter (sooner for the kids).

Now I feel that DH may be hiding other things from me as well. I dont trust him at all. I feel so hurt that he lied that I am not even sure if I want to get our marriage validated in the church after we join…I am not sure I even want to be married to him anymore
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Please don’t give up on your marriage over this. I sometimes have a hard time accepting this, but guys are visual by nature. I’m afraid there are alot more men than we are aware of who view porn. And it’s so easily accessible via the internet.

Like another poster suggested, try listening in to Ave Maria Radio. I heard some talk about this the other day on there.

Other than that, I’m in no position to give you any advice, only prayers. Hang in there…and pray for him. And know that you’re not alone.
 
1ke said:
Nude pictures in Playboy and other magazines are most definitely pornography.
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Thank you.

Honestly, why wouldn’t they NOT be?

I see sadly that there is an abundance of men out there who still don’t get it re: porn and some of the male responses here are very glib.

Dr. Ray has some good insights about porn perhaps some of you might look into:)
 
TravisandJill said:
I guess I should have said that it wasnt the fact that he looked at porn that bugged me, it was the fact that he LIED about it to me when I caught him. If he would have just told me the truth I would have been hurt of course but I would have also felt good that at least he admitted it to me.

Anyways it doesnt matter anymore because we talked and he promised not to do it ever again…so we shall see.

I know porn is an addiction many men suffer with, so I m trying to be sympethetic to my DH. I was just crushed that he lied to me:(
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I was trying to avoid posting about this as you have received some good advice here, but this most recent post brings up red flags for me. You stated that “it wasnt the fact that he looked at porn that bugged me,” why is that? If he had come out and told you that he looked at it, all would have been fine? Therefore if he continued to view these naked women, you would have been okay with it and accepted his behavior because “porn is an addiction that many men suffer with?”

I am not trying to attack you here, I just have to question the women that find their husband’s looking at porn and fall back on the “guys do it anyway” mentality. Same can be said for masturbation, 99/9% of guys do it right?

My view is that you as a woman, as a wife, have to take a stance, a hard stance, that this is not something that is acceptable in your marriage. Instead of trying to baby him on the issue and being sympathetic, you need to be disgusted and hurt by this. The thought of me looking at pornography, another nake woman, instead of my wife, disgusts me. It hurts me to know the pain and suffering that this would cause her.

Wives are not making their husbands view porn or masturbate directly, not even indirectly, but they cannot be supportive of them and pat them on the back saying “honey I understand” they have to be strong in their stance against it and their disgust.

While I do agree that being hurt by the lie is a big thing here. Trust being broken can be heart wrenching, but you must not forget the trust that was broken as he decided to look at these other naked women instead of you.

Would you be understanding if he was having an affair, because you know, a lot of guys do that? Viewing pornography can be seen as infidelity to your wife. Was it not Jesus himself who said “anyone who looks at a woman with lust in his heart has already committed adultry?”

Just my thoughts.

I pray that your husband quickly breaks this habit, but he must know how you feel and how this hurts you.
 
Mirror_Mirror said:
I was trying to avoid posting about this as you have received some good advice here, but this most recent post brings up red flags for me. You stated that “it wasnt the fact that he looked at porn that bugged me,” why is that? If he had come out and told you that he looked at it, all would have been fine? Therefore if he continued to view these naked women, you would have been okay with it and accepted his behavior because “porn is an addiction that many men suffer with?”

I am not trying to attack you here, I just have to question the women that find their husband’s looking at porn and fall back on the “guys do it anyway” mentality. Same can be said for masturbation, 99/9% of guys do it right?

My view is that you as a woman, as a wife, have to take a stance, a hard stance, that this is not something that is acceptable in your marriage. Instead of trying to baby him on the issue and being sympathetic, you need to be disgusted and hurt by this. The thought of me looking at pornography, another nake woman, instead of my wife, disgusts me. It hurts me to know the pain and suffering that this would cause her.

Wives are not making their husbands view porn or masturbate directly, not even indirectly, but they cannot be supportive of them and pat them on the back saying “honey I understand” they have to be strong in their stance against it and their disgust.

While I do agree that being hurt by the lie is a big thing here. Trust being broken can be heart wrenching, but you must not forget the trust that was broken as he decided to look at these other naked women instead of you.

Would you be understanding if he was having an affair, because you know, a lot of guys do that? Viewing pornography can be seen as infidelity to your wife. Was it not Jesus himself who said “anyone who looks at a woman with lust in his heart has already committed adultry?”

Just my thoughts.

I pray that your husband quickly breaks this habit, but he must know how you feel and how this hurts you.
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I fully agree with what you posted. I am not saying I would be OK with him viewing porn. I would still be hurt and angry too. But it would have been EASIER for me to deal with if he was 100 percent honest to begin with. My dh does know how much this hurt me and he has promised never to do it again. We all have our struggles and I am trying to be supportive and loving because I really do love my DH. I am not going to let the devil take my hubby away from me without a fight:)

The day I first posted I was very depressed, but much has changed since then. I have been praying fervently for my husband and our marriage. The devil throws temptations at us everyday, even me! I made the choice to forgive and love my husband. He has promised never to do it again, and I trust him…but if he stumbles again I will not condone his behavior, because it IS discusting and it would hurt me very much. I still see porn as adultry, but a lesser degree. If he had an actual affair with another woman I would leave him…and he knows it
 
TravisandJill said:
I guess I should have said that it wasnt the fact that he looked at porn that bugged me, it was the fact that he LIED about it to me when I caught him. If he would have just told me the truth I would have been hurt of course but I would have also felt good that at least he admitted it to me.

Anyways it doesnt matter anymore because we talked and he promised not to do it ever again…so we shall see.

I know porn is an addiction many men suffer with, so I m trying to be sympethetic to my DH. I was just crushed that he lied to me:(
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I know T&J…It can be very heartbreaking, when our loved ones lie to us. But, lying usually stems from fear. Your husband was most likely fearful of hurting you, knowing what he was doing was wrong. I don’t believe it was intentional, to hurt you by lying, but rather to preserve a potential argument, etc…

When we lie, it’s born out of fear. Typically. Fear of whatever the outcome will be. I hope things improve, and that your husband steers clear of looking at porn. My dh and I viewed it during the early stages of our marriage, and we were not ‘addicted,’ it was really nothing like that. But, after re-engaging ourselves to our faith, we soon realized…(like the scales of our eyes falling off)…how detrimental that stuff is. Never viewed it again. I will honestly say my husband has viewed Playboy before–I remember finding some under our bed during a time when we were separated. I discussed it with him, he apologized and has since never brought that into our home again. I hope that your husband commits himself to giving it up, so that it won’t become habitual.

I’ll keep you and your hubby in my prayers.
 
jwashu said:
. Will he check out a picture of a naked woman from time to time? Yea probably, he is a guy right?

So it’s “boys will be boys,” is it?
I expect more of my husband and all Godly men.

Dose that mean he doesn’t love you? or dosen’t find you attractive etc? NOT AT ALL.

No, but I’m sure it feels that way.

Porn is serious. It poisons a marriage. Is it “the worst possible thing that could happen?” No. Is it a form of infidelity? YES, without a doubt yes.

OP, I will pray for you and your dh. He needs to commit to stopping this, whether he is addicted or not. This kind of behaviour has NO place in a faithful marriage.

And Joe, no one here has advocated her leaving him! If he stands up and agrees that this is disordered behaviour that is toxic to a healthy marriage, this can absolutely be overcome and the marriage can be stronger.

On the other hand, if ANY husband has the “boys will be boys” attitude and thinks that looking a “naked woman” other than his wife “from time to time” is just fine, than that requires serious intervention. This is NOT the Church’s understanding of sexuality. And in this situation, if a spouse refuses to change or seek help, I personally think that separation in some cases would be justified. Not necessarily the OP’s But that doesn’t mean that porn use without remorse or apology on the part of one spouse would NEVER indicate separation.
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3Bambinos said:
Porn is serious. It poisons a marriage. Is it “the worst possible thing that could happen?” No. Is it a form of infidelity? YES, without a doubt yes.

OP, I will pray for you and your dh. He needs to commit to stopping this, whether he is addicted or not. This kind of behaviour has NO place in a faithful marriage.

And Joe, no one here has advocated her leaving him! If he stands up and agrees that this is disordered behaviour that is toxic to a healthy marriage, this can absolutely be overcome and the marriage can be stronger.

On the other hand, if ANY husband has the “boys will be boys” attitude and thinks that looking a “naked woman” other than his wife “from time to time” is just fine, than that requires serious intervention. This is NOT the Church’s understanding of sexuality. And in this situation, if a spouse refuses to change or seek help, I personally think that separation in some cases would be justified. Not necessarily the OP’s But that doesn’t mean that porn use without remorse or apology on the part of one spouse would NEVER indicate separation.
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Well stated m’am:thumbsup:
 
I agree with Mirror Mirror. Porn is a big deal, and so is lying to your wife. Your husband needs to understand how grave an issue this is and how betrayed you feel (and rightly so.) Please tell him exactly what you said in your original post. He must understand how profoundly his actions have affected you–remind him that as a married couple you are “one flesh.” When he inflicts a wound upon himself, he wounds you and your marriage as well. Then suggest HE speak with the priest in charge of the RCIA program at your church, who may be willing to counsel your husband (or suggest someone who can) until your husband is able to go to confession before Holy Week next year. I do not think you can do this for him. I think it is important that he initiate counseling, but you should, of course, gently insist.

God bless you and your marriage!
 
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