E
Ellie77
Guest
I apologize for the long post. I have an unusual problem that is difficult for me to understand, much less explain. I hope that in my explanation I do not offend anyone.
I am a 20-year-old heterosexual female with sadomasochistic tendencies. I want to make it clear that I do not act out on these tendencies: I have no desire to either directly or indirectly hurt others through my words or my actions. Nor do I deliberately fantasize about hurting others.
My problem is that I enjoy seeing a person – in real life or in a piece of fiction – who is emotionally or physically suffering. I don’t actively seek this suffering out in order to enjoy it, but human suffering is everywhere and just about impossible to avoid.
This has turned into a great source of confusion for me. I know that it is clearly wrong to be sexually aroused by this sort of enjoyment, but I am less clear about the non-sexual aspect of my enjoyment. I would venture that it is very wrong to even non-sexually enjoy seeing someone being tortured or in great physical pain, but am reluctant to consider it wrong to similarly enjoy sad or tragic stories like Brideshead Revisited or Hamlet.
Moreover, this condition has made it often difficult for me to determine when I am sexually aroused by something because it has become virtually impossible for me to distinguish between my sexual and non-sexual enjoyment of anything.
I am so confused about whether anything I do – watching TV or movies, reading books, reading the newspaper, or even visiting the sick at the hospital – is just an avoidable near occasion of sin. I deliberately avoid movies I know that are just “torture porn,” but I have a difficult time deciding whether I should also avoid movies where someone is just minorly injured or merely grieving over the death of a loved one. If that is the case – that I should avoid those as well – it would seem I would have to also avoid several religious books in the process!
I do not often give into my temptations (or, at least, when they are clearly wrong), but I am often disgusted that it is a temptation to begin with. It has made me so scrupulous that I am afraid to even give into self-pity. I don’t know whether it’s okay to even enjoy feeling sad!
I realize that this is more than likely an inappropriate forum to discuss these matters. I have spoken to a priest about this, but I became disheartened by how disturbed he looked and what seemed like a general lack of understanding, and have no desire to go back. I am reluctant to go “priest-shopping,” because I can’t handle the idea of introducing this problem to another stranger.
I would go to a psychologist, but living in a small city has limited my choice of therapists to those who have little to zero experience dealing with sexual deviance. Moreover, I would imagine it would be next to impossible to find one willing to work out a therapy system consistent with my Catholic beliefs.
This whole situation has resulted in me becoming very bitter about my Catholic background. I don’t understand how anyone born with my condition could have any hope of overcoming it and have any chance of going to Heaven. I have been skipping out on communion because I feel this condition is causing me to constantly sin. I have not gone to confession since I spoke to the priest about my condition three weeks ago – because I don’t want to go back to him and I am not eager to immediately discuss my condition with yet another person who is unlikely to understand.
I really could use some advice on how to deal with this, because my current coping strategy is clearly not working. In fact, ever since I spoke to the priest about it, I feel my problem has gotten worse. I have lost my ability to draw the line between what is right and what is wrong in regards to this situation.
I am a 20-year-old heterosexual female with sadomasochistic tendencies. I want to make it clear that I do not act out on these tendencies: I have no desire to either directly or indirectly hurt others through my words or my actions. Nor do I deliberately fantasize about hurting others.
My problem is that I enjoy seeing a person – in real life or in a piece of fiction – who is emotionally or physically suffering. I don’t actively seek this suffering out in order to enjoy it, but human suffering is everywhere and just about impossible to avoid.
This has turned into a great source of confusion for me. I know that it is clearly wrong to be sexually aroused by this sort of enjoyment, but I am less clear about the non-sexual aspect of my enjoyment. I would venture that it is very wrong to even non-sexually enjoy seeing someone being tortured or in great physical pain, but am reluctant to consider it wrong to similarly enjoy sad or tragic stories like Brideshead Revisited or Hamlet.
Moreover, this condition has made it often difficult for me to determine when I am sexually aroused by something because it has become virtually impossible for me to distinguish between my sexual and non-sexual enjoyment of anything.
I am so confused about whether anything I do – watching TV or movies, reading books, reading the newspaper, or even visiting the sick at the hospital – is just an avoidable near occasion of sin. I deliberately avoid movies I know that are just “torture porn,” but I have a difficult time deciding whether I should also avoid movies where someone is just minorly injured or merely grieving over the death of a loved one. If that is the case – that I should avoid those as well – it would seem I would have to also avoid several religious books in the process!
I do not often give into my temptations (or, at least, when they are clearly wrong), but I am often disgusted that it is a temptation to begin with. It has made me so scrupulous that I am afraid to even give into self-pity. I don’t know whether it’s okay to even enjoy feeling sad!
I realize that this is more than likely an inappropriate forum to discuss these matters. I have spoken to a priest about this, but I became disheartened by how disturbed he looked and what seemed like a general lack of understanding, and have no desire to go back. I am reluctant to go “priest-shopping,” because I can’t handle the idea of introducing this problem to another stranger.
I would go to a psychologist, but living in a small city has limited my choice of therapists to those who have little to zero experience dealing with sexual deviance. Moreover, I would imagine it would be next to impossible to find one willing to work out a therapy system consistent with my Catholic beliefs.
This whole situation has resulted in me becoming very bitter about my Catholic background. I don’t understand how anyone born with my condition could have any hope of overcoming it and have any chance of going to Heaven. I have been skipping out on communion because I feel this condition is causing me to constantly sin. I have not gone to confession since I spoke to the priest about my condition three weeks ago – because I don’t want to go back to him and I am not eager to immediately discuss my condition with yet another person who is unlikely to understand.
I really could use some advice on how to deal with this, because my current coping strategy is clearly not working. In fact, ever since I spoke to the priest about it, I feel my problem has gotten worse. I have lost my ability to draw the line between what is right and what is wrong in regards to this situation.
