SAHM's remark stings

[underacloud]

Schools have rules about when children ought to stay home.

Well, there are coughs and there are coughs. Unfortunately, all rules around such things are open to interpretation, and what one person perceives to be a little cough of no real concern is perceived by others (eg the OP’s husband’s cousin) as “hacking”.

As parents, there are innevitably days where you ask yourselves whether a certain child ought to go to school. Sometimes I’m sure we get it wrong; other times, it’s just a little cough that shouldn’t be worried too much about. The odd time we get it wrong, I can understand that some other parents will be displeased that we’ve exposed the school to whatever virus/illness our child is carrying. Just like we have been displeased that some other children were sent to school when we feel they should not have been.

There’s a lot of grey in here, and we ought to cut each other a lot of slack.

 

[EasterJoy]

There’s a lot of grey in here, and we ought to cut each other a lot of slack.

The point of the thread is that the OP was hurt by someone who a) wasn’t giving others slack and b) was assigning blame for those who didn’t see things her way to the parents’ having jobs, and not to the possibility that not everyone judges things as she does.

Even in preschool, BTW, the rate of transmitting communicable diseases falls by about half when the children simply wash their hands upon arrival at the school and then again immediately before departure.

 

[Viki63]

Facebook is a torrent of irrelevancies.
I just laugh at it, it’s so off the wall. Somebody’s restaurant meal, somebody’s children’s cute faces, somebody’s dog tricks, somebody’s political diatribe (sometimes my prolife posts, I confess), somebody else’s breakfast. It’s nuts.
Studies show that people who read Facebook a lot are more depressed, because they see everybody else’s wonderful llives, I guess.
I admit I get a little depressed when I see my brother’s constant hiking and camping trips, the beautiful mountain and stream scenes, etc. But then he lives in Cincinnati, he has to have some fun.

 

[VivienneJ]

DH’s cousin - who is a SAHM to ONE child - posted on FB:

“It might shock some people who send their kids to school hacking that I keep my kid home when he’s sick.”

I don’t mean to take it personally, but it stings a little. I have sent my children to school with a cough - you know the one that lingers for days/weeks after the cold and ‘resolved.’

Certainly you can’t keep a child at home with one of those lingering coughs. But sending a sick - and I mean a feverish, infectious - child to school is every unfair to the other children and the staff of the school. As an early years teacher I have had more than my fair share or illness due to infections caught from sick children in my class (even with the precaution of hand washing). Parents must distinguish between that irritating post-nasal-drip cough and real sickness.

It wasn’t directed at you, and it is in fact rude (at best) to send sick kids to school. If I were a mom who had to deal with a sick kid every other week because other parents sent theirs to school sick, I’d be grumpy too.

I have to agree with this. My daughter lives in a farming community. There are children who come to the school that the two older children attend when they are indeed very sick and infectious. In some cases the parents feel they have no choice, some don’t realise their children are spreading infection, and some just…I don’t know, seem like they don’t care. The result of this is that the baby, who is now 13 months old has been sicker than their doctor (who is in his 50s) has ever seen in such a young child. Just for example, she has had tonsillitis three or four times.

I do understand that it is difficult in cases where both parents have to work, but it is hard to be the person, or the parent nursing the person, who is ill because a child was sent to school ill.

However, people say things on Facebook just to get them off their chest at times, not directed at any one person. I certainly have done that.

 

[EasterJoy]

I do understand that it is difficult in cases where both parents have to work, but it is hard to be the person, or the parent nursing the person, who is ill because a child was sent to school ill.

Just to clarify: If you have a child with something that could be contagious, your job demands have to be left out of the consideration of whether or not they go to school.

There are minor problems that, although contagious, are not going to keep a child home from school. Instead, you have to coach the child about how to cough so as not to spread the disease and perhaps let the teacher know that the child ought to be encouraged to keep their hands away from their faces and wash them often.

There are other problems that ought to keep your child at home for the welfare of others just as surely as the same problems ought to keep you home from your job, for the welfare of your co-workers and because let us face it, you’re not any good to anyone, anyway! Just as you have to have a contingency plan for who will take care of your child if the school is unexpectedly closed for a burst pipe or something of that nature, you have to have a contingency plan for how to get child care for a child too sick to go to school. It can’t helped.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

The point of the thread is that the OP was hurt by someone who a) wasn’t giving others slack and b) was assigning blame for those who didn’t see things her way to the parents’ having jobs, and not to the possibility that not everyone judges things as she does.

Even in preschool, BTW, the rate of transmitting communicable diseases falls by about half when the children simply wash their hands upon arrival at the school and then again immediately before departure.

You are completely missing the point. Read the OP. The woman in question did not attribute anything to working moms. She didn’t say anything about parents having jobs.

This seems like more of a case where the OP was looking to be offended and take it as an attack on her parenting.

 

[JLCecilia]

Thank you EasterJoy and underacloud for understanding. I did actually respond to her post. It was really volatile b/c she also said ‘oh, and there’s the fact that I love my child and wouldn’t put him through dealing with school when he doesn’t feel well.’ She also mentioned that SHE was being the responsible parent by keeping her sick child at home and everyone else needed to be responsible adults and make it work to keep their kids at home. Another responder commented that she was very offended by a Wal-Mart cashier who came to work sick and was sniffling and germy while checking people out. So much so that she actually said something rude to them about it!

I just remarked about how I empathize w/ them b/c it DID used to anger me when my co-workers came to work sick. It also made me mad to drop my kids off at the sitter and the other kids there were sick. I mentioned how lucky I was to have a GF who’s an RN volunteer her day off to care for 2 of my vommitting children when I couldn’t miss anymore work after being off 4 days and how DH and I are fortunate to have understanding employers who are willing to work with us. Not everyone is so fortunate. And even responsible, loving parents make unpopular decisions sometimes. I said not to take it personally (ha-ha, right) that people aren’t being sick AT you and for some, coming to work sick might mean the difference btwn keeping a job and going on public assistance.

I feel like I have it bad, but I can’t imagine how a single parent might feel or a woman who’s husband is overseas or whose job requires him to be on the road. Everyone is just doing their best. At one point I might’ve even been angered by the Wal-Mart cashier thing, but nowadays I’m more inclined to express some sympathy.

 

[JLCecilia]

BlueEyedLady, I honestly think she just shot off a post without thinking. Heck, if I scan back on my FB post history, I’m sure I’ve posted similar feelings to hers. I think the reason I’m so sensitive this week is b/c DH and I have been juggling child care while our sitter is sick and if I miss another day I will have to have a verbal warning on my file for absenteeism, so I’m under some stress. I really should keep away from FB and not let her personal antics bother me, but I’m human, and they did.

I hope my response was PC, I just wanted to help counter the smugness with a plea to consider that other people have very different circumstances that may cause them at times to make difficult/unpopular decisions. I need this reminder myself at times.

She later posted a thankful response for her DH’s successful job and hard work which allows her to be at home.

 

[EasterJoy]

You are completely missing the point. Read the OP. The woman in question did not attribute anything to working moms. She didn’t say anything about parents having jobs.

This seems like more of a case where the OP was looking to be offended and take it as an attack on her parenting.

No, she was not digging right at working parents specifically, but it was still a “Thank you, Lord, that I am not like other men” kind of a post. It was an “I am a better parent than you” kind of post. Sometimes children’s symptoms don’t seem so bad when you drop them off at school, just as sometimes they can improve to an almost embarrassing degree when you arrange to get them in to see a doctor. She needs to lighten up, lest she have no claim on mercy when her day comes. (We all know it will, right? )

Still, you are right, she might not have appreciated how her tone might affect others, and might just have been upset about seeing some poor kids at school that simply should not have been there because they were so sick. To have her child miserable at home and missing school just a few days later would pile the coals on her anger, and might easily provoke someone to a rash post. Maybe that is what happened, and she never in a million years meant to offend the OP. Yes, you are right: We need to keep some claim for mercy with regards to how we look at her, too. That is well said.

When it goes on Facebook, it is there forever. Let all take heed!

 

[JLCecilia]

I was grateful to confide in a fellow co-worker who, while her kids are older, is in somewhat the same boat as me. She has a sick kid at home right now, and her 19yo missed a college class today to stay with him and take him to the dr. Needless to say, she feels like ‘this stinks!’ Another co-worker has to have her mom take her little boy to physical therapy b/c she can’t be away from work. The only difference is that she actually calls herself a bad mommy for not being able to be there.

We all make sacrifices that we wish we didn’t have to. My first co-worker I mentioned said she has had to have a verbal warning too. She missed once for an OP surgery and once b/c she slipped and fell on the ice and had to be off for that injury, in addition to illness which is typical this time of year. I would never wish this stuff on anyone, but nice to know I have someone who gets it to talk to.

Along with all you fine folk who keep it in perspective. I really do value your posts.

 

[Bezant]

What would we do without Facebook?

Finding another trivial reason to live for, I reckon.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I hope to fnd out during Lent, but I should really start NOW!

This is only strike 2 this week. Another ‘friend’ on FB who’s expecting her 4th very soon (also happens to work outside the home) posted a response that there will be no more ‘expecting’ in her house once the current expected arrives (meaning no more babies). Even though she and her DH are both Catholics. An older parishoner responded “But you coop w/ God so well and make such cute babies.”

All I could think was, “yeah, well we can’t all marry a doctor (or in our cousin’s case, a nuclear plant engineer) and stay at home.”

Bitter me

Yes definitely bitter you. Someone posted that they intend on abandoning God and committing sin. Someone else politely tried to guide against that and you side with the person who wants to offend God? As a family of four with me as a stay at home dad and surviving in the midwest on one income. I find your comments not based in reality but in emotion. You should agree with the first issue because it is probably even MORE important to you that people keep their sick kids at home because every time they don’t YOUR kids will probably get sick. I think there are other personal issues you are dealing with and are taking your resentment of not being able to be a stay at home mom out on someone who made a not very controversial comment. Under logical unemotional circumstances you would probably second the thought.

 

[LongingSoul]

This is me being full on Aspergers… but lets examine the purely literary qualities of the statement that caused offense. It doesn’t offend me personally because I was and still am a stay home mother and my kids are in their 20’s, so I’m not personally invested in the offense.

“It might shock some people who send their kids to school hacking that I keep my kid home when he’s sick.”

Does she really think that her decision to keep her sick child home from school would cause the reaction of shock to anyone, let alone the parents who’ve for whatever reason sent a child to school coughing? I doubt that very much. No one in their right mind would be shocked that a parent kept a sick child at home.

She’s using a type of transference. But instead of saying ‘I’m shocked that people would send their kids to school coughing’… she’s used the technique of mocking which people that want to feel superior will use to score points. Where her attack falls on its face is the sweeping randomness of her judgement since she really doesn’t distinguish between ‘coughs’ which can be hacking but benign (I had one for so long after recovering from pnemonia) and infectious contagious conditions.

She’s just being mean spirited but then again I’m being autistic today.

 

[EasterJoy]

“It might shock some people who send their kids to school hacking that I keep my kid home when he’s sick.”

Does she really think that her decision to keep her sick child home from school would cause the reaction of shock to anyone, let alone the parents who’ve for whatever reason sent a child to school coughing? I doubt that very much. No one in their right mind would be shocked that a parent kept a sick child at home.

She’s using a type of transference. But instead of saying ‘I’m shocked that people would send their kids to school coughing’… she’s used the technique of mocking which people that want to feel superior will use to score points. Where her attack falls on its face is the sweeping randomness of her judgement since she really doesn’t distinguish between ‘coughs’ which can be hacking but benign (I had one for so long after recovering from pnemonia) and infectious contagious conditions.

In pointing out her sarcastic tone, you put your finger on the problem.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

This is me being full on Aspergers… but lets examine the purely literary qualities of the statement that caused offense. It doesn’t offend me personally because I was and still am a stay home mother and my kids are in their 20’s, so I’m not personally invested in the offense.

“It might shock some people who send their kids to school hacking that I keep my kid home when he’s sick.”

Does she really think that her decision to keep her sick child home from school would cause the reaction of shock to anyone, let alone the parents who’ve for whatever reason sent a child to school coughing? I doubt that very much. No one in their right mind would be shocked that a parent kept a sick child at home.

She’s using a type of transference. But instead of saying ‘I’m shocked that people would send their kids to school coughing’… she’s used the technique of mocking which people that want to feel superior will use to score points. Where her attack falls on its face is the sweeping randomness of her judgement since she really doesn’t distinguish between ‘coughs’ which can be hacking but benign (I had one for so long after recovering from pnemonia) and infectious contagious conditions.

She’s just being mean spirited but then again I’m being autistic today.

That is more than reading between the lines it is about as far of a conjecture as I can imagine. How about a little virtue of Charity here and let’s not crucify someone by assuming they went about writing a comment on a social media site with all the calculation of Mark Twain.

 

[EasterJoy]

Facebook is a torrent of irrelevancies.

I usually slip all the way into calling Facebook the work of the devil, but your way of putting it is much nicer.

 

[Allegra]

She was probably just annoyed because her kid got sick from someone elses kid. It’s a normal thing to complain about. I wouldn’t take it personally.

 

[EasterJoy]

She was probably just annoyed because her kid got sick from someone elses kid. It’s a normal thing to complain about. I wouldn’t take it personally.

That is the most likely explanation. Her tone doesn’t become her, but the chances are that her self-righteousness slipped in because she’s unhappy about seeing her child miserable.

 

[LongingSoul]

That is more than reading between the lines it is about as far of a conjecture as I can imagine. How about a little virtue of Charity here and let’s not crucify someone by assuming they went about writing a comment on a social media site with all the calculation of Mark Twain.

I did qualify my commentary as analysing the literary technique used and why, rather than making a pure moral judgement. As a mother of 3 children falling at various places along the autistic spectrum… I learnt that it wasn’t just enough to sooth them with ‘oh don’t worry about it’ when someones comments or actions hurt them. It makes a big difference when you are aware of what aspect of an attack you should rightly be accused by and what aspects are another persons unjustified meanness. That’s where I was coming from. JLCecilia seems to be OK about it now anyway.

 

[pnewton]

feel inferior I suppose.

And that is the root of this problem. When we say, " I always do such and such, and would never do this and that", especially over morally neutral items, we build ourselves up in our own eyes by looking down on others.

I personally like Facebook and use it a few times every year. Sparingly used, it is a good way to keep on top of what is happening, but we sure need to watch our egos.