Salt and light

[tenderlynew]

I’ve lost my saltiness. I said to Jesus, here, I put my heart at your feet. I didn’t really know what that meant. So I thought to myself, you’ll probably trample on it like everybody else. Then I found myself saying, “can you heal me?” A few moments later the words “salt and light” came to mind, and I forced myself to go look up the Sermon on the Mount (I have been very depressed.) “If salt loses its taste, with what can it be seasoned? It is no longer good for anything than to be thrown out and trampled underfoot.”

I try to god deeds but they always backfire and I get afraid. Have I lost my light too?

Have been posting in prayer intentions about the long, long-term effects of black magic practiced on me, which led me to seek the Lord and also about depression and a fatal wound (almost) I received which left me in a state hospital, where I encountered the person who practices black magic from inside the confines of that place where he still lurks as far as I know (this is 28 years later.) My health is desperately poor, I am only 52 and struggle just to stay alive and keep up with necessities of daily living, can’t work, live on alimony and disability pay.

Am I lost beyond recall?

 

[TarkanAttila]

Never.

Do you believe the Lord Jesus Christ has risen, and is Lord of all existence?

Hold onto that. Nothing can take that away from you, whatever faults you may have. For He did rise, and He does rule. And He rules your heart, too, if you let Him.

But it takes time. Bad doesn’t usually go away like a flick of the wrist. But if you never let go, things will get better. The matches might be soaked, the wick buried in the wax, but it’s always better to try to light the candle, than to curse the darkness.

Some practical advice: are you able to get to use the phone and travel - like, to your local parish? Call the local priest, or the diocese. Ask them for help. I hope they will be able to help you.

Oh, one more thing: are you baptised?

 

[tenderlynew]

No I am not baptized. My mother and her mother (British) were not baptized so she did not take care of this for her children. My father was “baptized” twice, in the Anglican church and then a second time by a Catholic nun at a school he attended. I was told by an English priest In Florida about baptism of desire, but he emphasized that one should go through the formal ceremony as soon as you can. I have not had the opportunity to join RCIA as everything has been crazy for about 4 years and I keep relocating. Also, I have a disability which I can’t talk about which makes it difficult to be around people. Obviously this is a terrible problem. I am very lonely all the time and my now ex-husband won’t even talk to me and I see my son rarely and he harbors terrible animosity, everything blew up on us and I got the blame, still trying to work it out.

I wish it was like the first days of Christianity when you could just ask to be baptized and it were done, nowadays you have to be part of a church and socially accepted, which as I said is a problem for me. I worry about whether I am truly called and whether I truly have the Holy Spirit.

 

[tenderlynew]

oh and after I posted yesterday I got a mental image of Jesus’s foot grinding good salt into the ground, and today I went to my new dentist half-asleep and he ground away a large part of a good tooth to make room for a crown he was fixing, I am not sure of his intentions. I trust in Jesus that it will be for the good. A young dentist in Florida had done the same thing in anger and this dentist went further, now I just have a stump. I am thinking I am really confused but I don’t know where to turn. I think I should talk to my psychiatrist first about the (weird) problem I have around people because I think it may be partly due to the medication.

 

[tenderlynew]

I don’t trust my own reasoning and I have just gone through a divorce in a civil marriage that was originally for a green card; but we became man and wife and I was dependent on him as my head. Now I am all lost. But I asked the Lord for even weights and measures in my life, the Lord loves even weights and scales, and I am thinking I must have ground good salt into the earth, good men/women, in the times when I had no light. But I still trust that it works for the good.