Same old record playing from parents' mouth

[PennyinCanada]

A friend of mine sold her house and moved away from her home province and parents to a little out of the way farm. She’s spent the last 4 summers farming after work hours and selling produce at farmers markets. She’s moved 3 provinces away just recently and now her parents have showed up, settled in for some weeks to ‘visit’.

I know folks on CA can respond to this email I got from her today. I would like to offer her some emotional support and I know there has been books and things offered to read on here from different threads, same problem. She is single, in her 40’s, never married, no children. She is mortgage free and her vehicle is paid for. Here is what her parents are saying, which is the same record they’ve played in her ear all her life…

I’m ready to kill someone, not sure if it should be my folks or myself. They hate it here and all they are doing is bringing me down. I’m tired of hearing how stupid I am, what was I thinking buying this shithole, I’m going to sink myself, I’m never going to make anything of myself…etc etc. I was ready for them to go back home the day after they arrived and considering mom is in the house all day baking and dad is sitting watching tv and doing his puzzles, I figured they would want to go home early.

 

[Luna_Lovecraft]

A friend of mine sold her house and moved away from her home province and parents to a little out of the way farm. She’s spent the last 4 summers farming after work hours and selling produce at farmers markets. She’s moved 3 provinces away just recently and now her parents have showed up, settled in for some weeks to ‘visit’.

I know folks on CA can respond to this email I got from her today. I would like to offer her some emotional support and I know there has been books and things offered to read on here from different threads, same problem. She is single, in her 40’s, never married, no children. She is mortgage free and her vehicle is paid for. Here is what her parents are saying, which is the same record they’ve played in her ear all her life…

I’m ready to kill someone, not sure if it should be my folks or myself. They hate it here and all they are doing is bringing me down. I’m tired of hearing how stupid I am, what was I thinking buying this shithole, I’m going to sink myself, I’m never going to make anything of myself…etc etc. I was ready for them to go back home the day after they arrived and considering mom is in the house all day baking and dad is sitting watching tv and doing his puzzles, I figured they would want to go home early.

Why would mom and dad want to leave when they’re doing what they love to do: bake, do puzzles, and demean their child?

It’s up to your friend to bring her parents’ visit to a close.

"Mom and dad, although it’s been great having you here, the carrots and onions are coming in next week and I’m going to need every ounce of my energy to get through the next month or so of my day job plus getting those vegetables to the market. I’m sure you understand.

What time do you want me to drive you to the airport in the morning?"

When they’re gone she can work on establishing ground rules for their next visit so this doesn’t happen again:

• Parents arrive and depart on pre-agreed days. No more open-ended visits.
• Parents stay in a hotel or find other accommodations. So long as they engage in the emotional abuse of their child, they cannot stay in her home. Period. “You know, mom, I’m just so busy with my day job plus my farm that I simply can’t be a good host to you and dad. Really. I sent you a list of adorable bed and breakfasts near me. Did you get that email?”
• In the meantime, you friend works on her ‘evil eye’ look for the next time her parents get snarky about her life. You know, the look that says, “Dad, I can’t believe you’re so disrespectful of me that that actually just came out of your mouth.” And then your friend deftly changes the topic.

Luna

 

[bmullins]

I dunno. It’s a hard situation. The parents aren’t being very good to her. But she’s also not being very kind to them either. Honor them and humor them, and go on with life. They are there cooking and doing puzzles. Let them cook and do puzzles. They won’t be there forever, and they are the only parents she has on this earth. Love them. Even if they don’t return it.

They’ll go home eventually.

 

[LoyalViews]

Luna has good adivce

I would tell her to say to her parents “Mom, Dad, I love you both more than words can explain. But since you’ve come here, you’ve done nothing by be mean to me and demean me. I don’t think you like it here, and I am getting very busy lately and soon I will be on overdrive with work, so could you let me know on when you plan to leave?”

Saying “plan to leave” is code for “could you please go”, and they’ll understand.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

A friend of mine sold her house and moved away from her home province and parents to a little out of the way farm. She’s spent the last 4 summers farming after work hours and selling produce at farmers markets. She’s moved 3 provinces away just recently and now her parents have showed up, settled in for some weeks to ‘visit’.

I know folks on CA can respond to this email I got from her today. I would like to offer her some emotional support and I know there has been books and things offered to read on here from different threads, same problem. She is single, in her 40’s, never married, no children. She is mortgage free and her vehicle is paid for. Here is what her parents are saying, which is the same record they’ve played in her ear all her life…

I’m ready to kill someone, not sure if it should be my folks or myself. They hate it here and all they are doing is bringing me down. I’m tired of hearing how stupid I am, what was I thinking buying this shithole, I’m going to sink myself, I’m never going to make anything of myself…etc etc. I was ready for them to go back home the day after they arrived and considering mom is in the house all day baking and dad is sitting watching tv and doing his puzzles, I figured they would want to go home early.

They are playing the same record because she is listening. When they arrived (I assume without calling to ask if they could come), she should have met them at the door, with a pre-prepared list of hotels in the nearest town, and said, “Mom, Dad, I wish you would have called me before coming all this way. It’s not a good time for you to be here, but here is a list of hotels where you can stay. I will try to make some time to have lunch with you and maybe see a movie or something, but other than that, I’m going to be busy with work and the farm. Next time, perhaps you can call me and check to see how things are going before you come out.” Then hand them the list and SHUT THE DOOR (and lock it, I hope she hasn’t given them keys).

They will either stand on the porch in shock and confusion for a couple of minutes, and THEN explode in indignation, OR, they could immediately go to the indignation and rage reaction. Either way, your friend should put in some earplugs and go upstairs or wherever, out of their sight, and wait until they leave. They will eventually leave. What choice will they have?

Time to cut the umbilical cord. Will they disinherit her? She’s their only heir but they have that option. Oh well. She shouldn’t let money buy her off.

 

[St_Francis]

I dunno. It’s a hard situation. The parents aren’t being very good to her. But she’s also not being very kind to them either. Honor them and humor them, and go on with life. They are there cooking and doing puzzles. Let them cook and do puzzles. They won’t be there forever, and they are the only parents she has on this earth. Love them. Even if they don’t return it.

They’ll go home eventually.

There are a lot of parents with whom this would be good advice. It doesn’t sound like hers are that type of parent. Honoring your parents is not a directive to have them move in and abuse you.

I am sure she will be much better able to love and honor her parents if they return home–it’s a twist on the saying good fences make good neighbors.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

There are a lot of parents with whom this would be good advice. It doesn’t sound like hers are that type of parent. Honoring your parents is not a directive to have them move in and abuse you.

I am sure she will be much better able to love and honor her parents if they return home–it’s a twist on the saying good fences make good neighbors.

New proverb - “The best view of abusive parents is the taillights of their car as they drive away from you.”