Same-sex attraction issue

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dsully

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Hello,

At different times in my life I have struggled with issues of same-sex attraction. Usually these issues have been tied to (or resulted from) emotionally dependent friendships with men.

In this particular case, the issue is with a pastor that I worked closely with. What started out as a friendship turned into a situation where I thought I was being unfairly controlled or manipulated by the guy. Along with this came sexual fantasies on my part.

Although his conduct toward me may not have been perfect, I need to take responsibility for what happened. At any time I could have walked away from the relationship in an effort to maintain purity.

The difficult thing about the situation is that I have no way to resolve my feelings through anyone in my church. If I do talk about what happened, it could look like I am accusing the pastor of misconduct. When I did try to talk about the issue with the pastor himself, he called in one of the other elders and began what I think was a process of church discipline on me.

I do not wish to denigrate this pastor. I pray for the success of his ministry and the well-being of the family. I am simply writing because I am having a hard time resolving the emotional and spiritual issues that resulted from the relationship. (For those of you who know about “soul ties,” I think one may have been formed here…a very strong one, too.)

Another aspect of this is that I am thinking about returning to the church where this man is pastor. I was even offered a spot as the missions administrator, should I decide to return and be reconciled. However, I find it difficult to be around the guy, given the inappropriateness of my feelings and how much I embarrassed myself.

For a while I was interested in converting to Catholicism, but then I thought that maybe this was just a distraction on my part to hide from the issues I was facing at my former church.

Please help me to discover what the best course of action is in this case. Please help me to “undo” any type of inappropriate relationship (at the soul or spiritual level) that may have resulted from this. And please help me to learn to act out of Christ-centered motivations.

Thanks for all your prayers for me over the past few months. I am one confused dude, at times.

Dan
 
I can see how trying to talk the issue out with the pastor who was at the heart of the issue could go awry. I recommend talking to a counsellor or a priest who is not connected to that church and can give you some more objective feedback. I cannot see how going back there with these issues still unresolved would be helpful for you.

I will pray for you.
 
Mother Mary, I commend Dan to you. Please help him to avoid near occassions of sin and help him to live chastely. Help him to know and love the Faith and its fulness of truth. Please help him to strive to cut out the temptations and influences of the flesh, the world and the devil through mortification, resisting temptation and through avoiding all near occassions of sin. Amen.
 
Joe_5859 said:
I can see how trying to talk the issue out with the pastor who was at the heart of the issue could go awry. I recommend talking to a counsellor or a priest who is not connected to that church and can give you some more objective feedback. I cannot see how going back there with these issues still unresolved would be helpful for you.

I will pray for you.
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I agree. If your not comfortable it might get in the way of your objectivity. I would find another priest to talk to about it, without naming names, and just let him know whats happenning. Find someone your comfortable with.
 
Servant31 said:
I agree. If your not comfortable it might get in the way of your objectivity. I would find another priest to talk to about it, without naming names, and just let him know whats happenning. Find someone your comfortable with.
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O.k. Thanks for the caring advice. Just for the record: this did not happen at a Catholic church.
 
How much attachment do you have to that particular church/congregation? If it is not great, I think you should distance yourself from it entirely. This would dispel any uncomfortable situations for you or the pastor.

It’s interesting that you are thinking about the Catholic Church in any context at this time. Could it be that you are being called what we call “Home” in this difficult time for you? I urge you to check out your nearest Catholic church. The doors are open all day. Perhaps just sit inside and ask God what He has in mind for you.

I admire your candor and resilience. I am praying for you.
 
Lord, grant your guiding angels to Dan whom seeks to do your will. Grant him strength in times of temptation, and lead him from it. May he be a shining example of one of your humble servants to others he meets. Mary, pray with us. Amen. :harp:
 
I think you need to stay away from this man regardless. Same-Sex issues notwithstanding, if he is married, he likely will lose his job if it is thought he has had an affair with a woman or man. Many churches, even very liberal ones will dismiss pastors on this issue. Even the implication could end his ministry due to lack of confidence in him. I see very little potential good in you being there (especially working there) if this pastor is still present.
 
O.k. I heed the warning. That is one reason why I did not accept the missions position. But I do want to clarify something: no affair took place…there was no sexual activity. It was just a relationship that was not comfortable for me. I don’t know what was going on in his head, but I was dealing with same-sex attractions during this. Maybe God just wanted to show me my sinfulness.
 
dsully said:
O.k. I heed the warning. That is one reason why I did not accept the missions position. But I do want to clarify something: no affair took place…there was no sexual activity. It was just a relationship that was not comfortable for me.
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That’s great. I am sensitive to this issue because my wife is a Lutheran Pastor. Unfortunately it’s a job where what people think you did is as real as what you actually did. When things go wrong, careers and churchs can be ripped apart.
 
PJH_74 said:
That’s great. I am sensitive to this issue because my wife is a Lutheran Pastor. Unfortunately it’s a job where what people think you did is as real as what you actually did. When things go wrong, careers and churchs can be ripped apart.
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I can see how that would be the case. This particular church is rather small: non-denominational, elder-rule (with the pastor sitting as one of the elders), congregation of approx. 200. I would never want to spread gossip about the pastor. I haven’t talked about it with anyone except for the pastor and the other elder who was present in the meeting. If anything, I assume that they were just looking out for me. But I am not entirely comfortable being at the church. I want to be in a place where I can work through my feelings and begin to heal and grow in Christ.
 
Another issue at stake here is that I am afraid that some kind of retribution has been planned for me. I used to be involved in the church’s finances–serving as a deacon and as the assistant to the Senior Pastor. After I left the church, I got a phone call from one of the present deacons asking me for a password for the Quickbooks program. I never had that password, but apparently someone told the deacon that I had this password (that I had changed it at some point). I might be paranoid, but I have been worried that some kind of accusation might be made against me regarding the church’s finances. If in fact I have been set up, I would be forced to be in a position to defend myself, which I don’t enjoy doing. I keep having this image in my mind of myself having to admit to wrongdoing that I most definitely didn’t do, just to keep the peace.

Now, I could just be paranoid. But this is a persistent fear that I’ve had. It could be Satan deceiving me, or it could be Lord protecting me.

This is so crazy and complicated. And it’s church, for heaven’s sake!

Dan
 
Like a previous poster said, when I read your first posts my thought was that maybe this was you being called “home” to the Catholic church. It seems like you have already decided to get away from your former church. I pray that you find peace with this decision.

I am praying for you: for guidance and protection.
 
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