Saving a secular marriage?

[Schieffelin]

Hi everyone. I’m hoping some of you will have good ideas on how to handle this situation.
I have a good friend at work who got married around the same time as me (so about 3 years) and she’s already feeling at her rope’s end with the marriage. I believe she is really on the verge of giving up, she was looking for apartments this week so she could “take a break” from him.

The whole situation breaks my heart because I don’t believe they have any problems that can’t be solved with a little help. But she’s so fed up, especially with his passiveness and his lack of initiative, that she doesn’t even want to try counseling. I keep trying to talk to her and pray for her hoping that she’ll start to care again–she doesn’t seem like the sort of person who just gives up and I know they won’t be happier if they split. Sometimes she listens to me and sometimes she doesn’t.

But here is the main point of the question…they aren’t Christian or religious at all so obviously their marriage isn’t sacramental. This makes me wonder if I should even be fighting so hard to try to help them stay together? I know I am the only person in her life who is rooting for their marriage and telling her not to give up, because most of her other close friends are also divorced or bitter in their marriages. I just hate to see two people give up on each other, especially because I do believe her husband is a good guy who truly loves her but he’s just clueless when it comes to communicating and working on a relationship.

What would you do in this scenario? Would you keep encouraging her to give it another chance, or should I just back down and leave it in God’s hands.

 

[1ke]

But here is the main point of the question…they aren’t Christian or religious at all so obviously their marriage isn’t sacramental. This makes me wonder if I should even be fighting so hard to try to help them stay together?

Why does this make you wonder what you are wondering?

Non-Christians have valid marriages too. Of course your advice should be that they go to counseling and resolve their issues together.

 

[Schieffelin]

Why does this make you wonder what you are wondering?

Non-Christians have valid marriages too. Of course your advice should be that they go to counseling and resolve their issues together.

Because I didn’t realize that their marriage was considered valid. Some trusted Catholic friends told me that it was not considered valid, so that’s what caused the confusion for me.

 

[agapewolf]

Because I didn’t realize that their marriage was considered valid. Some trusted Catholic friends told me that it was not considered valid, so that’s what caused the confusion for me.

Valid and sacramental are different terms.

non-baptized people can have valid marriages. If both are baptized, its a sacrament

 

[Schieffelin]

Valid and sacramental are different terms.

non-baptized people can have valid marriages. If both are baptized, its a sacrament

I know they are different but I thought at least one spouse had to be Christian for it to be even considered valid. I guess I was mistaken.

 

[Nimzovik]

I simply do not understand what is going through a secular person’s mind when they marry. In view of the staistics of failed marriages, resultant psychologically damaged kids, legal woes etc, etc, etc…

To even attempt a marriage without God in one’s life is indeed a frightening proposition. Indeed, there are now whole organizations of people realizing this, such as M.G.T.O.W.

Sorry. I have no answers for you… Other than witness the Faith…

 

[1ke]

I know they are different but I thought at least one spouse had to be Christian for it to be even considered valid. I guess I was mistaken.

The unbaptized do have valid marriages (unless they have a divine law impediment such as a prior marriage, close kinship, etc). Whoever told you otherwise is mistaken.

So, do encourage them to work it out and attend counseling.

 

[Aggies08]

They may also have a sense of honor, and pride in their vows. Perhaps all they need is that bit of encouragement to try and work it out through counselling, etc.

 

[Nimzovik]

In view of the alarming divorce rate, methinks that all secular marraiges are ultimately doomed to failure, if they were to last for an extended period of time. Just IMHO. Without the Holy Spirirt and Holy Mother Church it is difficult for me to see success in the Secular version of matrimony…

Just sayin…

 

[Gabriel_oOLoS]

To me it seems like your talking to the wrong person. I feel that you should approach the husband and see how he feels about the whole thing. It sounds like she has been leading the relationship and shes tired of it. He needs to man up and lead the marriage if he wants to save it. By showing he cares about saving the marriage then he should be able to help convince his wife to try as well.

 

[Schieffelin]

To me it seems like your talking to the wrong person. I feel that you should approach the husband and see how he feels about the whole thing. It sounds like she has been leading the relationship and shes tired of it. He needs to man up and lead the marriage if he wants to save it. By showing he cares about saving the marriage then he should be able to help convince his wife to try as well.

I wish I could approach the husband, but I can’t. I barely know him (have met him briefly once or twice) and it would be inappropriate on many levels for me to contact him about this.

The good news is she told me they talked this weekend and agreed to at least try counseling. Thank God.