Say something or mind my own business?

  • Thread starter Thread starter Abundant
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
A

Abundant

Guest
My little brother is 23 years old. When he married his wife, she already had a daughter (from a teen pregnancy) and now together they have another daughter together who is a year old. They live in another city that is a couple of hours away so unless they are in town, we mostly communicate via Facebook. My brother works in oil and is gone sometimes for weeks at a time, so most of my communication is with his wife.

My concern is with the food that they feed the baby. Now, I am just as guilty as the next mom of feeding my kids McDonald’s, juice, etc. from time to time and my kids probably don’t eat as healthy as they should. However, there are new pictures of my niece every single day drinking sodas or icees, doughnuts, massive cookies, cheetos, etc. She posts pictures at almost every single meal, and I have yet to see the baby eat anything healthy at all. Both my brother and his wife are significantly overweight, and they are always talking about how they should go on a diet together, but they never do. What they do with their own bodies is their business, but I am starting to really worry about the baby.

I have made jokes when talking to her before, like “all she does is eat,” or made comments like “that cookie is too big for that baby,” in a fun way hoping that maybe she (sister in law) would catch a hint, but alas it doesn’t seem to be working. The more I see a 1 year old baby drinking soda, the more upset I get.

So…should I say something (and if so…how do I say it with love) or just mind my own business and let them feed their kids what they want to?
 
A few thoughts,

A baby may be offered food and a bigger portion than they can realistically eat, but it does not mean the child eats much, if any of it.

Facebook is not and should not be mistaken for a complete picture of one’s household or daily life.

You express concern for the food being offered to the baby, but not the older child? Do you not feel a similar concern?

Your jokes are not jokes they are criticisms. They get it already.

While you do not agree with the decisions your brother and his wife are making as parents, you must respect their God-given authority to parent their own children. Are you sure you want to alter or significantly harm your relationship with them to drive this point home?

Is there a more loving and charitble way you can handle this?
 
Ellyakamommy said:
A few thoughts,

A baby may be offered food and a bigger portion than they can realistically eat, but it does not mean the child eats much, if any of it.

Facebook is not and should not be mistaken for a complete picture of one’s household or daily life.

You express concern for the food being offered to the baby, but not the older child? Do you not feel a similar concern?

Your jokes are not jokes they are criticisms. They get it already.

While you do not agree with the decisions your brother and his wife are making as parents, you must respect their God-given authority to parent their own children. Are you sure you want to alter or significantly harm your relationship with them to drive this point home?

Is there a more loving and charitble way you can handle this?
Click to expand...
I do know that this baby eats…a lot. When she has visited my house, she eats virtually non-stop. How much of what she eats in the pictures I am not sure, but I do know that she posts pictures at almost every meal and there is always some junk or soda in the picture. Truly, the mother does think they are jokes (not criticisms) because she jokes the same way about it. Her captions will read things like, “Look at so and so, eating again!” and she will text me pictures of the baby eating and say things like “Here she goes…” with a big doughnuts in her mouth.

I don’t want to tell them how to raise their children for sure! I think that other than this, they are amazing parents…especially considering that my sister in law started so young. I would like to tell her something in a nice-loving way without coming across as a know-it-all because as I mentioned…my own habits are far from perfect. If you have any suggestions as to how I can express my concern in a charitable way…I’d be glad to hear it!
 
Abundant said:
My little brother is 23 years old. When he married his wife, she already had a daughter (from a teen pregnancy) and now together they have another daughter together who is a year old. They live in another city that is a couple of hours away so unless they are in town, we mostly communicate via Facebook. My brother works in oil and is gone sometimes for weeks at a time, so most of my communication is with his wife.

My concern is with the food that they feed the baby. Now, I am just as guilty as the next mom of feeding my kids McDonald’s, juice, etc. from time to time and my kids probably don’t eat as healthy as they should. However, there are new pictures of my niece every single day drinking sodas or icees, doughnuts, massive cookies, cheetos, etc. She posts pictures at almost every single meal, and I have yet to see the baby eat anything healthy at all. Both my brother and his wife are significantly overweight, and they are always talking about how they should go on a diet together, but they never do. What they do with their own bodies is their business, but I am starting to really worry about the baby.

I have made jokes when talking to her before, like “all she does is eat,” or made comments like “that cookie is too big for that baby,” in a fun way hoping that maybe she (sister in law) would catch a hint, but alas it doesn’t seem to be working. The more I see a 1 year old baby drinking soda, the more upset I get.

So…should I say something (and if so…how do I say it with love) or just mind my own business and let them feed their kids what they want to?
Click to expand...
Voice your concerns to your brother in a prudent manner. If you believe that the child is not getting the proper nutrition it needs, I really think that you have the right to say something. After all, you are dealing with immediate family and are only trying to look out for the health of your niece. Just my opinion.
 
Healthy eating habits and nutrition is such a complex issue. Sugar cravings, metabolism, shopping habits, time to meal prep and more go into it all.

It’s a delicate issue, for certain.

I know these services are more prevalent in urban areas, but is there a meal prep service you could give as a gift? Perhaps if a healthy nutritious dinner is being prepared and delivered even once a week, that could be a kickstart to make other changes?
 
Ellyakamommy said:
Healthy eating habits and nutrition is such a complex issue. Sugar cravings, metabolism, shopping habits, time to meal prep and more go into it all.

It’s a delicate issue, for certain.

I know these services are more prevalent in urban areas, but is there a meal prep service you could give as a gift? Perhaps if a healthy nutritious dinner is being prepared and delivered even once a week, that could be a kick-start to make other changes?
Click to expand...
I think you may be on to something. They live in kind of a rural area, so meal prep service is not an option (at least not an affordable one). However, I know that since my brother is away often and they are kind of in the middle of nowhere that she gets lonely and bored quite a bit. Since I am pregnant and have kids too, I am thinking about asking her to “join me” as I start meal planning and making healthier things for my family. That way it encourages her to think about the food that the kids are eating and we can share recipes and articles back and forth and it doesn’t seem like I am telling her what to do, but inviting her along with me. Then, when I do find healthier snack alternatives for my own family, I may be able to even mail them to her or share them with her.
 
Abundant said:
I think you may be on to something. They live in kind of a rural area, so meal prep service is not an option (at least not an affordable one). However, I know that since my brother is away often and they are kind of in the middle of nowhere that she gets lonely and bored quite a bit. Since I am pregnant and have kids too, I am thinking about asking her to “join me” as I start meal planning and making healthier things for my family. That way it encourages her to think about the food that the kids are eating and we can share recipes and articles back and forth and it doesn’t seem like I am telling her what to do, but inviting her along with me. Then, when I do find healthier snack alternatives for my own family, I may be able to even mail them to her or share them with her.
Click to expand...
That is a WONDERFUL idea! Reach out in a positive way!
 
I really like your idea Abundant. Joining is so much less threatening than “telling”. Sounds like you are really sensitive to her well-being as well as her children. One fun thing to do is to let the baby pick. Put several items on a plate (plastic of course!) and let her choose. Cooked veg or canned ones, small pieces of meat if she is old enough, bread etc. Nutrition studies have shown that little ones, over time, will select a balanced diet if allowed. If she is in a finger food stage, she might like chasing peas, carrot coins, and green beans around a plate! Reminds me of the Cheerios face decoration my grandson used to achieve!!
 
The Parish has a homemakers division and an agent presented a Nutrition class to my club group. Also learned how much I should ideally weigh for my age & height. It was great. Maybe the local hospital dietician would come out to speak to 3 or 4 ladies.
 
Abundant said:
I think you may be on to something. They live in kind of a rural area, so meal prep service is not an option (at least not an affordable one). However, I know that since my brother is away often and they are kind of in the middle of nowhere that she gets lonely and bored quite a bit. Since I am pregnant and have kids too, I am thinking about asking her to “join me” as I start meal planning and making healthier things for my family. That way it encourages her to think about the food that the kids are eating and we can share recipes and articles back and forth and it doesn’t seem like I am telling her what to do, but inviting her along with me. Then, when I do find healthier snack alternatives for my own family, I may be able to even mail them to her or share them with her.
Click to expand...
I was going to suggest a neat book about healthy kid-friendly food, perhaps one that you know of personally, or one that your mom friends have? (Just FYI, one of the neatest, and healthiest things I’ve seen in a long time are “bento boxes” that started in Japan for kids; they are lunch boxes full of extremely cute food for little kids; just google bento boxes for kids.)

I would say that if it ever gets brought up and things are discussed directly, after that point it is their business, unless you are babysitting their child/children at your house with your own kids.
 
This is such a shame, because a lot of 1-year-olds are quite happy to eat steamed veggies and unsweetened yogurt (I have a 16-month-old who does exactly that–I know this stage doesn’t last forever, but just this moment, I’m feeling pretty darn smug about our toddler’s diet). There’s no reason to do what your SIL is doing–it’s not like the kid is underweight (I had a friend with a very underweight child who was at one point seriously considering buying a deep fryer). The vibe I’m getting from the OP is that SIL is probably one of those people who has never learned to cook and she probably also equates sweets with love. The idea of learning to cook (especially with her husband away) is probably pretty daunting, if she even thinks about it–just imagine learning to cook with a 5ish or 6ish kid and a 1-year-old underfoot. (Hence, I would not be sending her recipes–I suspect she barely knows how to boil water.) Even just moving to better ready-made food might be a big improvement. (By the way, they now sell ready-made frozen French Toast for something like $1.55 a box. I think this is the best thing ever.)

I wouldn’t talk to the brother, because he’s away a lot, and even if you convince him, it’s going to go over like a load of bricks with SIL. Nobody wants to get pointers on childcare from a husband who isn’t there to do any of the heavy lifting. Also, she may be drowning her sorrows at the drive-thru.

I’d stick to setting a good example (she’s not the only person who can photograph food and put it on Facebook) and making a point of paying more visits and paying for more suitable meals. You could also do some grocery shopping with her and maybe work in a few (just a few) mini-lessons. “My kids LOVE blueberries and strawberries. Ooo–they’re on sale! Let me get you a box or two. They’re REALLY good with yogurt. Let’s get some of that–we’ll make little parfaits for the kids!” (I would unbend a little and get sweetened yogurt–baby steps.) “Clementines–these are exactly toddler size, and they are so easy to peel.” “Hey–frozen Indian dinners! These are so good! It’s almost as good as going to an Indian lunch buffet.” “Sweet potatoes! We all love these–you just slice them up, microwave them, and cool them and babies love them.” What we are going for is good food with essentially no prep time. Even the fast food stuff would be more or less OK if augmented with other food. So, for instance, in my family, I’ve started making sure that if we have pizza, there’s also a fruit and a veggie on the table.
 
I don’t know how big your kids are, but my bigger two are 11 and 8 and at this point we are very explicit about telling them that they need to work on making their lunch and dinner plates look like this:

choosemyplate.gov/kids/index.html

We talk through it with them: protein, starch, veggie, fruit. These are pretty big kids, but the smaller one is really good at putting together meals that look like that. The 11-year-old is a committed veggie hater and her ideal plate would be 3/4 starch and protein and 1/4 fruit and veggie, but we’re working on her.

If your kids are big enough, you can talk to them about this and set a good example for your brother and SIL. (Our grocery store handed out freebie kids’ plates with the My Plate divisions on them–so cute and so smart! They actually sell very similar ones on Amazon.)

amazon.com/Choose-MyPlate-Kids-Nutrition-Plate/dp/B00AZ1HJ58/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1393122788&sr=8-1&keywords=myplate
 
I was wondering how to weigh in (pun intended).

Before you embark on a passive aggressive crusade, make absolutely sure that a. The children’s height/weight isn’t / hasn’t been affected by diet and b. TheFB pics aren’t a reflection of every day life. I may bribe my kids with junk food with finishing a serving of a healthy portion and by the time they have finished, they are too full to eat the junk good, bit they do.

My pedi told me that kids may crave the extra calories, and they do. Today the may eat only veghies, tomorrow only chips…the best OP portion is to offer a “grazing” of everything and they will even out. YMMV. 😉
 
Xantippe said:
This is such a shame, because a lot of 1-year-olds are quite happy to eat steamed veggies and unsweetened yogurt (I have a 16-month-old who does exactly that–I know this stage doesn’t last forever, but just this moment, I’m feeling pretty darn smug about our toddler’s diet). There’s no reason to do what your SIL is doing–it’s not like the kid is underweight (I had a friend with a very underweight child who was at one point seriously considering buying a deep fryer). The vibe I’m getting from the OP is that SIL is probably one of those people who has never learned to cook and she probably also equates sweets with love. The idea of learning to cook (especially with her husband away) is probably pretty daunting, if she even thinks about it–just imagine learning to cook with a 5ish or 6ish kid and a 1-year-old underfoot. (Hence, I would not be sending her recipes–I suspect she barely knows how to boil water.) Even just moving to better ready-made food might be a big improvement. (By the way, they now sell ready-made frozen French Toast for something like $1.55 a box. I think this is the best thing ever.)

I wouldn’t talk to the brother, because he’s away a lot, and even if you convince him, it’s going to go over like a load of bricks with SIL. Nobody wants to get pointers on childcare from a husband who isn’t there to do any of the heavy lifting. Also, she may be drowning her sorrows at the drive-thru.

I’d stick to setting a good example (she’s not the only person who can photograph food and put it on Facebook) and making a point of paying more visits and paying for more suitable meals. You could also do some grocery shopping with her and maybe work in a few (just a few) mini-lessons. “My kids LOVE blueberries and strawberries. Ooo–they’re on sale! Let me get you a box or two. They’re REALLY good with yogurt. Let’s get some of that–we’ll make little parfaits for the kids!” (I would unbend a little and get sweetened yogurt–baby steps.) “Clementines–these are exactly toddler size, and they are so easy to peel.” “Hey–frozen Indian dinners! These are so good! It’s almost as good as going to an Indian lunch buffet.” “Sweet potatoes! We all love these–you just slice them up, microwave them, and cool them and babies love them.” What we are going for is good food with essentially no prep time. Even the fast food stuff would be more or less OK if augmented with other food. So, for instance, in my family, I’ve started making sure that if we have pizza, there’s also a fruit and a veggie on the table.
Click to expand...
I agree with this. 👍

I grew up eating very unhealthy food. I knew I should eat differently, but I had no idea how to prepare other foods and it was crazy intimidating - especially since I didn’t really know how to grocery shop, either. I’ve done the “fake laugh but secretly feel ashamed” thing that Monicad mentioned, too. There is a LOT of shame associated with unhealthful eating and being overweight, and the constant posting of the junk food may actually be part of that, instead of just ignorance.
 
I also think that the microwave can really be SIL’s friend.

I have one of these:

amazon.com/Progressive-International-Microwavable-Mini-Steamer/dp/B0000CFPT2/ref=sr_1_1?s=home-garden&ie=UTF8&qid=1393167626&sr=1-1&keywords=progressive+mini+steamer

It’s a small microwave steamer. You put a little water in the bottom and then fill the top compartment with frozen veggies and then stick it in the microwave for a couple of minutes. I’ll let it cool and dish the 1-year-old a serving and put the remainder away for later. It’s very easy, and yet I never got a microwave steamer until last year–up to now, we’d been suffering with soggy microwaved veggies.

Likewise with sweet potatoes and potatoes–a whole one is too much for one sitting, but I just cook one and then put the remainder away. Later on, I can put a couple of slices of potato on a plate, sprinkle with store shredded cheese (another modern miracle), stick it into the microwave, and in 30 seconds, I have a healthy entree for the 1-year-old.

With eggs, I’ve gotten into the habit of hard-boiling 6-8 at a time and then keeping them in the fridge. I use them in my salads for lunch and my 8-year-old likes them for snacks and packing in his school lunch. (If I’m feeling brave, I might give the 1-year-old a fresh one cut up into quarters.)

There are also foods with a lot of entertainment value, like pomegranate. If you get your kids together (and they’re at least 5ish), removing the seeds from a pomegranate is absorbing and time consuming. I’ve known my kids to spend 20-30 minutes hour doing it. (Be prepared for mess and some staining, though.)

Healthier eating does not need to be a huge ordeal. I am pretty much a non-cook myself at this point, and yet my 1-year-old has a great diet.

This is probably a lonely young woman who has pretty much been brought up by wolves–be gentle with her. “Easy” and “fast” and “fun” and “yummy” are the words to use when selling her on healthier living.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top