Saying No?

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Feanaro_s_Wife said:
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It isn’t a black and white rule…it has more to do with respecting your spouse. In the “perfect” marriage one spouse would see that the other is really tired and not ask. Or if one asked the tired spouse, the tired spouse would put their spouse’s feelings first and accept the invitation with love…

it is all about being sensitive to each other. No one wants to be rejected. It feels awful. So of course if you really really don’t feel like it you don’t have to… but often times we only think we don’t feel like it. But once you get in the moment you realize that it wasn’t such a bad idea after all.**
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I think Malia is right. I think if a husband is to tiered to go to work on some days, the wife should not pressure him to do IT. Going to work automatically like some robot seems like he is just being used for what he can do to gratify the wife, Right:rolleyes:

Like wise if the if the husband does go to work during the week out of obligation and duty, he should not have to take his wife out to dinner over the weekend or go to friend’s house or go shopping with her. Being browbeat/forced to do these type of actives just show lack of respect for you spouse, right?😛

Sorry Malia - I couldn’t resist. You’re a great Formie:thumbsup:
 
bluerose said:
Well, considering my work schedule, I must say that I have rarely said “Not tonight, dear”… but I have said “Okay, but try not to wake me.” :blushing:

I was blessed with a spouse who was blessed with an enormous amount of patience and good humor! 😃
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My variation used to be “I’m reading, make it worthwhile for me to drop the book.”
 
bluerose said:
Simon,

I think it was Jerry Seinfeld who said that as far as “marital relations” go, men are like firefighters and can be ready in two minutes, whereas women are like fire… very exciting, but the conditions have to be JUST RIGHT for it to happen.!
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That’s not true after a certain young age. At some point the table turns. Besides, I cannot point you to a specific source, but from what I’ve read it’s not as big an issue as it is said to be.
Gaurdian said:
Like wise if the if the husband does go to work during the week out of obligation and duty, he should not have to take his wife out to dinner over the weekend or go to friend’s house or go shopping with her. Being browbeat/forced to do these type of actives just show lack of respect for you spouse, right?😛
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An obligatory give-take routine would be bad on many levels. It takes two to tango, but it’s not an exchange of services. He should care for her but not for the purpose of getting sex. It’s fine that she longs for that care - it’s very right that she does, but it wouldn’t be fine to apply a carrot or a stick to it. In short, it should be give-give, not give-take. 😉
 
A few years ago I threatened to cut Debbie off when she balked at me gettin a motorcycle, now I have TWO in my garage. :egyptian:
 
bluerose said:
Simon,

I think it was Jerry Seinfeld who said that as far as “marital relations” go, men are like firefighters and can be ready in two minutes, whereas women are like fire… very exciting, but the conditions have to be JUST RIGHT for it to happen.

I guess I’m not much of a fireball, but DH is happy and so am I. I guess that’s what counts!
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🙂
 
I use to be one of those, not tonight dear, kind of wives. But I really started thinking about it and praying. That was terrible of me to do that to him. I have a wonderful husband, loving, good provider and father, not to mention good looking, everything that a women wants in a man. He loves me with all of my faults, and I have a lot. I do not look anything like I did when we first got married. And he wants to be with me! WOW! How lucky am I. I’m glad I changed my mind and attitude, no more, “but I have to shave first”. I’m always ready;) And our relationship has really changed and grown more than I thought it could.
You hear so many stories where the man strays because the wife has become cold. My theory is keep them well taken care of at home and he will be too tired to go anywhere else!
 
blessourhome said:
I recently read a paragraph in a (Christian) marriage book that said that it is a sin for either spouse to deny the other the marital act, regardless of circumstances such as being too tired, not in the mood, etc. Is this true? Are there circumstances in which one can or should say no?
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What book was it, if you don’t mind telling. I’ve read so many, I wonder if it’s one that I have read. You can send me a message if you don’t want everyone else to know what it is.
Thanks.
 
LilyM said:
Haha - my sister to this day emphatically states that she just doesn’t remember her second child being conceived, she was working long hours and doubtless adopting your approach to marital canoodling.
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I would have to think that some of us who came from bigger families must have been conceived in similar circumstances.:o
 
happymommy said:
What book was it, if you don’t mind telling. I’ve read so many, I wonder if it’s one that I have read. You can send me a message if you don’t want everyone else to know what it is.
Thanks.
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The book is called, “Love That Lasts,” by Gary and Betsy Riccuci.
 
Simon_X said:
I would have to think that some of us who came from bigger families must have been conceived in similar circumstances.:o
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I’m the youngest of five - Mum was working fairly long hours, I shudder to think …
 
blessourhome said:
I recently read a paragraph in a (Christian) marriage book that said that it is a sin for either spouse to deny the other the marital act, regardless of circumstances such as being too tired, not in the mood, etc. Is this true? Are there circumstances in which one can or should say no?
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Hi again bless;

I think if it were continual, and one spouse always or repeatedly declined relations, it could be considered selfish, and therefore sinful. But, there could be a lot of reasons behind the declination. But, if the spouse for example says…‘i’m too tired,’ and then proceeds to run 5 miles for a workout…hmmm…that would not make sense.
If a spouse is bed ridden or really sick, etc…or is working a lot, etc…then, I wouldn’t see ‘I’m tired,’ etc as excuses, but rather bona fide reasons.

It really depends on what’s going on around the couple, and if the one spouse is trying to avoid sex.
 
whatevergirl said:
It really depends on what’s going on around the couple, and if the one spouse is trying to avoid sex.
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I think the problem is bigger than avoiding sex - we really can’t talk about evading duty here. If someone doesn’t want to have sex with someone he’s married, then the problem is deeper than failure to perform a duty. Something must be wrong on the line between the spouses or maybe one of them has a serious problem (not like other doesn’t have a problem already because the one does).
 
chevalier said:
I think the problem is bigger than avoiding sex - we really can’t talk about evading duty here. If someone doesn’t want to have sex with someone he’s married, then the problem is deeper than failure to perform a duty. Something must be wrong on the line between the spouses or maybe one of them has a serious problem (not like other doesn’t have a problem already because the one does).
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Wait, are you saying that there is never a valid reason to say “Not tonight dear”?

That’s what we’re talking about here, what at least my parents were taught: you can never say no unless you’re very ill or just had a baby.
 
whatevergirl said:
Hi again bless;

I think if it were continual, and one spouse always or repeatedly declined relations, it could be considered selfish, and therefore sinful. But, there could be a lot of reasons behind the declination. But, if the spouse for example says…‘i’m too tired,’ and then proceeds to run 5 miles for a workout…hmmm…that would not make sense.
If a spouse is bed ridden or really sick, etc…or is working a lot, etc…then, I wouldn’t see ‘I’m tired,’ etc as excuses, but rather bona fide reasons.

It really depends on what’s going on around the couple, and if the one spouse is trying to avoid sex.
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**Anytime we put our own needs above another we are guilty of being selfish…that is what selfish means. But we most often don’t do it consciously. And being selfish can be very habit forming as well.

If a wife turns down her husband because she is too tired, he still feels rejected regardless of if she runs 5 miles or not. Asking for something from another person is when we are at our most vulnerable. Get turned down enough times and you stop asking to protect yourself from further hurt and disappointment.

I am not saying that a wife is never allowed to be too tired, lol…God knows I have been…but just that we consider our spouse’s feelings FIRST. Jut as he should be considering ours. Then, if we are honestly too tired (which most of the time is not really the case…) we can have an open discussion about it instead of it turning into a power struggle.

Sex within a marriage is a very powerful thing. It is a gift we give of ourselves to eachother. If we look at it that way it really puts things in perspective. Our spouse’s are actually approaching us with the gift of themsleves…if we reject that it is rejecting them. But all too often we women can get caught up in the mindset that our husband’s are asking to take something from us that we are too tired to give. That can lead to all kinds of hurt and pain.

So next time us ladies are “too tired” or “too busy”… ask ourselves… am I really too tired or too busy to accept the gift my husband is offering?**
 
chevalier said:
I think the problem is bigger than avoiding sex - we really can’t talk about evading duty here. If someone doesn’t want to have sex with someone he’s married, then the problem is deeper than failure to perform a duty. Something must be wrong on the line between the spouses or maybe one of them has a serious problem (not like other doesn’t have a problem already because the one does).
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Thought that was what I said.
 
Feanaro_s_Wife said:
**Anytime we put our own needs above another we are guilty of being selfish…that is what selfish means. But we most often don’t do it consciously. And being selfish can be very habit forming as well.

If a wife turns down her husband because she is too tired, he still feels rejected regardless of if she runs 5 miles or not. Asking for something from another person is when we are at our most vulnerable. Get turned down enough times and you stop asking to protect yourself from further hurt and disappointment.

I am not saying that a wife is never allowed to be too tired, lol…God knows I have been…but just that we consider our spouse’s feelings FIRST. Jut as he should be considering ours. Then, if we are honestly too tired (which most of the time is not really the case…) we can have an open discussion about it instead of it turning into a power struggle.

Sex within a marriage is a very powerful thing. It is a gift we give of ourselves to eachother. If we look at it that way it really puts things in perspective. Our spouse’s are actually approaching us with the gift of themsleves…if we reject that it is rejecting them. But all too often we women can get caught up in the mindset that our husband’s are asking to take something from us that we are too tired to give. That can lead to all kinds of hurt and pain.

So next time us ladies are “too tired” or “too busy”… ask ourselves… am I really too tired or too busy to accept the gift my husband is offering?**
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are you implying that I said it’s ok to be selfish? I never said that. My example of running 5 miles was to say that if someone has the energy to do a myriad of other things…the rejection makes it all the worse.

Never said that it’s okay for someone to be selfish.
 
whatevergirl said:
are you implying that I said it’s ok to be selfish? I never said that. My example of running 5 miles was to say that if someone has the energy to do a myriad of other things…the rejection makes it all the worse.

Never said that it’s okay for someone to be selfish.
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No, not at all!!! Just adding my two cents to yours:)

**Just clarifying that it is an obvious hurt than anyone of us could recognize to say “I don’t have the energy and then go run 5 miles”… that is basically saying “I just don’t have the energy for YOU”.

Wanted to point out that our husbands can still feel rejecyed even if we are legitimately tired or busy. It takes a lot to make oneself vulnerable to another…and for men sexually is probably the most difficult. If we turn them down for that then they take a major blow to the self esteem…
**
 
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