Scared and sad...porn and my boyfriend (a bit long)

[TMO]

Hello everyone, it’s nice to be back

I’d like to ask some advice on how to deal with a special situation with my boyfriend; on previous posts I had mentioned that he thought marriage ruined relationships and that I suspected he watched porn.

Well, we’ve had very honest conversations these past couple of months. He told me he does want to marry, have kids and the only issue pending was the “porn thing”.

I had suspected from a while ago that he watched it, and decided I would confront him about this in the near future. That happened quite unexpectedly on my birthday (what a present). I confirmed my suspects when he typed on the search bar and I was able to read the word “porno” in it. He went to move his car and I just opened a tab and typed on the search bar and there they were, 2 porn pages.

Needless to say it was heartbreaking, I felt physically ill, anxious, dissapointed, cheated on…all kinds of things. I had played in my mind over a thousand times what I would say to him but I lost it for a moment

I asked him to go out so we could talk. He opened up to me and told me he had been figthing this habit since a long time ago, unsuccesfully. Filters, deleting files, he had done it already…he also told me he was relieved I found out. I asked him details about frequency and similar things.

I told him clearly that I wasn’t willing to take a step further if this wasn’t solved, that I didn’t want this poison between us and that I was willing to loose him if things didn’t change. He said that he wanted to fix this, that he didn’t want to take a separate road from mine and we’ve agreed on concrete things we’ll do so I can have a piece of mind and the things he’ll do to get rid of all the material he’s been exposed to. I asked him very seriously if he was convinced about this. He said he was, that he wanted to fix this.

I offered him my support and to share with him some material I’ve found useful. That’ doesn’t change the fact I’m stil hurting and scared to death because there is a good chance we might end up hurting each other. I told him everything I felt, what could happen and my fears too. He also told me that lately he had started seeing pornography differently, to see that it was wrong. I had been praying to the Blessed Mother for his purity, this confirms my prayers are being answered <3.

So, I know it won’t be an easy road, and the reason why I’m willing to give it a shot, it’s because he has been very honest with me and showed a sincere interest on making it work for the long run…we’ve talked about a future together and he wants that too…

Any advices on how to cope with this? I also want to direct him to an online comunity of men fighting pornography addiction because I understand I can’t be the only support source and that to a certain extent, it could greatly hurt me, wich is what I want to avoid because I know I have limits, and I also warned him about this.

I’m praying and I’ve also decided to offer fastings for him, even though I feel physically ill when I do it, rosaries and this lent for his conversion. I love him so much, but I’m also really hurt.

I appreciate your prayings. You’re in mine too

 

[CatholicRaven]

I think it will take time to rebuild your trust, and that’s okay.

I don’t really have any advice, but will pray for you both.

 

[RJB]

I bless your boyfriend with the special blessing of our Blessed Mother. May the power of the Holy Spirit come upon him.

 

[Rawb]

A book for you and a book for him: “For Women Only” for you and “For Men Only” for him.

Also for him “Every Man’s Battle”

He’s probably telling you the truth. Porn is so pervasive a problem in our society that it’s probably unrealistic to think that no man hasn’t looked at it before. The thing is, it’s a secret problem, and Christian guys cannot speak to others about this, except maybe to priests in Confession, and that’s not always the most helpful. The issues a couple faces on this subject can be complicated by the fact that each side thinks you’re dealing with a different problem than you are. Openness, understanding, communication, and realizing this isn’t the end of the world, but it is something that can bring you guys closer together as you work through it.

It sounds like your prayers are having a large effect, so keep those up.

The concrete steps are very important. Without nagging stick to them, remain calmly insistent and loving about them. After a while he’s going to try to find a way around them or be annoyed with them, even though a large part of him really wants to work this out.

To love someone is to risk being hurt. I’m afraid that’s something you’re going to have to accept.

 

[esieffe]

Consider the Angelic Warfare Confraternity:

The Angelic Warfare Confraternity is a supernatural fellowship of men and women bound to one another in love and dedicated to pursuing and promoting chastity together under the powerful patronage of St. Thomas Aquinas and the Blessed Virgin Mary.

angelicwarfareconfraternity.org/​

This may be of help for your boyfriend to stay chaste before and during marriage outside of procreation.

One of the many wonderful things that the Catholic church has is TOOLS. This is only one such tool. There are others.

 

[Dorothy]

It sounds like a support group would be of help to him, and, of course, frequent confession and the sacraments.

It would be very good if he prayed the Rosary, and perhaps you can both pray it together at times.

 

[tawny]

Praying for the both of you.

 

[Catholic1954]

Keep praying and put all marriage plans on hold until he can prove that he has beat this addiction; that will take a long time but it can be done.

 

[Elizium23]

I know it is difficult for you to think about this, but please consider that he will never be truly free of this scourge. There is a good chance that he will always struggle with it, more or less, and the reality is that he could backslide into the habit even if he has been clean for years.

Often times women get the idea in their head that Mr. Right would be perfect if he could simply correct one flaw. They go out with him and make him a “project” and they get him to fix himself up. Great! But there’s one more flaw that needs to go now… Beware of falling into this trap. People who are truly in love learn to accept each other as they are, with all the blemishes. That’s not to say that you should simply accept this man with a porn addiction. That can be a destroyer of the relationship as surely as alcoholism or physical abuse. The question is whether he can truly put it behind him and whether you can tolerate him if he does occasionally slip up and get himself into trouble again.

I commend you for taking a stand and making your needs known. You have courage and that will go a long way in your future relationships. You are giving him good counsel and you are doing right by him so that he will do the right thing for himself. That’s an excellent start for a relationship. I wish you well and you will be in my prayers.

 

[katy]

Make very, very, very sure he has beat this and really desires marriage as a lifelong commitment before any wedding plans are made. Otherwise you are setting yourself up for misery and probably divorce and who knows what damage to any children. Pray and seek God’s will before anything else.

 

[mek42]

Good for you to be supportive through this issue.

If he is sincere about seeing this as an addiction, are there any open NA meetings near you that he could go to? Sometimes it helps to listen to how other people wrestle their elephants.

 

[TMO]

Good for you to be supportive through this issue.

If he is sincere about seeing this as an addiction, are there any open NA meetings near you that he could go to? Sometimes it helps to listen to how other people wrestle their elephants.

Sadly, no. There are only AA groups here. I can’t tell you how it’s slowly starting to sink in and I’m emotional all the time…

Even though I knew, realizing it and seeing it with my own eyes really hurt me and shocked me.

I’m praying to have discernment…there are excepcional cases of men that have been able to overcome this addiction and live happy faithful marriages now (Jason Evert and others) and that gives me hope, but there’s also the chance of him never really overcoming it, wich leaves me with this painful question?

What man is free from porn?

I’m sad, hurt, he’s amazing in everything else and that’s why I love him so much. I also talked to him about God, that he can seek God’s grace to overcome this…he’s a craddle catholic, but strayed from faith. Thank God, he’s joining me for mass on sundays. He said he prays, but in silence…I pray so that his faith is restored…

I feel so alone, and don’t know who to talk to, and the worst part is, the one I want to hug me right now is the one that’s caused me pain as well.

Please, please pray so I can understand what God wants from me and from us :’(

 

[mek42]

Maybe he could try an open AA meeting. I’m an ACOA and as such, those meetings are too close to home for me, but listening to stories of others and trying to apply the steps to his issue might help even if he just listens. He can introduce himself as, Hi, my name is Joe and I need to be here, as a way to respectfully get around the alcoholic identifier.

When I went to the rooms, I found the NA folks to be more real than the few AA meetings I tried, though, as mentioned, this may have been my own baggage.

If I might ask, to your relationship, is it the porn or the secrecy the more damaging?

Does he have someone he can call at three in the morning if the temptation is strong and he wants help to resist?

 

[phil19034]

Try Matt Fradd’s book, “Delivered” (you can buy it hear at Catholic Answers.

Is you boyfriend Catholic? If so, confession helps, especially if its the same priest over and over.

Can also try the following Catholic Porn addiction sites:

integrityrestored.com

Also read this post by Archbishop Chaput when he was Archbishop of Denver: archden.org/index.cfm/ID/6147/Pornography-Help/. It has some good info an a lot more links to Catholic Porn help sites, general Christian ones, plus secular sites.

Keep in mind, that it really is an addiction and that with all addictions, the first step is for the person to admit that he/she has a problem.

God Bless

 

[Falco]

Many men are exposed to porn - it is the ones who go back and go back that are the problem. I wouldn’t want a man who was recovered from porn - I would want a man who was not interested in it in the first place. The same way I don’t want a recovered alcoholic. Or someone who loves sport. Or a jazz lover. They are indicative of someone I would not want to spend time with. (Nothing wrong with jazz or sport - I just do not want to spend any amount of my time with someone who is heavily into them, so it impinges on my lifestyle).

So many people nowadays are tattooed - my children included - and I had this argument with my daughter about not wanting a tattooed man. I don’t want a man who had a few tattoos, and stopped, and maybe regrets getting them. I want a man who would not be interested in having a tattoo in the first place. It is an indicator of his mentality - the mental framework that I want to spend the rest of my life with. She doesn’t get this. I do.

 

[jon2456]

How terrible this must be. I will pray a rosary for the both of you. I do not know whether my words can offer you any consolation, but I hope they do. I myself struggled with porn for a number of years and it truly is a poison. Do not worry that he will never be free; with God all things are possible! You know better, I am sure, how to counsel your boyfriend than I do, but lust is a bottomless pit, and it cannot be satisfied just a little bit, and he needs to know that. A theology teacher of mine once put it this way: ‘if you’re in your kitchen one evening and you want a cookie and you’re not supposed to have one but you eat one anyway, will you be better able to resist taking a cookie next time you’re in that situation? No, of course not!’ It is a struggle, a real struggle and he needs support just as you do. You said you need someone to talk to, so I think really you should consider going to adoration if you can, and bringing your boyfriend with you some of the time; talk to Christ there! The results can be amazing! Christ will take your burden and help you to bear it, and the consolation and relief of His arms is just as real. Ask Him to help you, because He is strong and tender.

Keep up in your prayers! There is no true escape from sin but in grace, and you give him greater hope for that grace with every one of your prayers! The mass is a beautiful and powerful thing, just to pray it can begin to change a heart. Don’t ever lose hope! God can do all! And I also have to suggest that Matt Fradd book, “Delievered”

God bless you in your love, and don’t worry too much about having to be strong, let your strength be, as St Paul says, in your weakness, and let God be strong for you.

 

[Elizium23]

Many men are exposed to porn - it is the ones who go back and go back that are the problem. I wouldn’t want a man who was recovered from porn - I would want a man who was not interested in it in the first place. The same way I don’t want a recovered alcoholic. Or someone who loves sport. Or a jazz lover. They are indicative of someone I would not want to spend time with. (Nothing wrong with jazz or sport - I just do not want to spend any amount of my time with someone who is heavily into them, so it impinges on my lifestyle).

So many people nowadays are tattooed - my children included - and I had this argument with my daughter about not wanting a tattooed man. I don’t want a man who had a few tattoos, and stopped, and maybe regrets getting them. I want a man who would not be interested in having a tattoo in the first place. It is an indicator of his mentality - the mental framework that I want to spend the rest of my life with. She doesn’t get this. I do.

That’s very odd reasoning you’re using. I know many people, myself included, who have been involved in unsavory things and kicked the habit, and become better people because of it. Their struggle and their experience with these wrongs and evils built their character and improved their personality rather than tearing it down. If you met someone who had overcome an addiction and he never revealed that fact to you, how would you even know?

Wishing for someone who has never struggled with an addiction is like wishing for a virgin to marry, or someone with no past relationship entanglements, or if you’re in your 40s or beyond, someone who’s never been married and has no children with him. It’s unreasonable and it takes good, eligible men out of the market for you before you’ve even given them a chance for love.

But I guess you already have a husband so I guess this is not really a problem for you at this point in your life, anyway. I just think it’s unnecessarily judgemental.

 

[TMO]

How terrible this must be. I will pray a rosary for the both of you. I do not know whether my words can offer you any consolation, but I hope they do. I myself struggled with porn for a number of years and it truly is a poison. Do not worry that he will never be free; with God all things are possible! You know better, I am sure, how to counsel your boyfriend than I do, but lust is a bottomless pit, and it cannot be satisfied just a little bit, and he needs to know that. A theology teacher of mine once put it this way: ‘if you’re in your kitchen one evening and you want a cookie and you’re not supposed to have one but you eat one anyway, will you be better able to resist taking a cookie next time you’re in that situation? No, of course not!’ It is a struggle, a real struggle and he needs support just as you do. You said you need someone to talk to, so I think really you should consider going to adoration if you can, and bringing your boyfriend with you some of the time; talk to Christ there! The results can be amazing! Christ will take your burden and help you to bear it, and the consolation and relief of His arms is just as real. Ask Him to help you, because He is strong and tender.

Keep up in your prayers! There is no true escape from sin but in grace, and you give him greater hope for that grace with every one of your prayers! The mass is a beautiful and powerful thing, just to pray it can begin to change a heart. Don’t ever lose hope! God can do all! And I also have to suggest that Matt Fradd book, “Delievered”

God bless you in your love, and don’t worry too much about having to be strong, let your strength be, as St Paul says, in your weakness, and let God be strong for you.

Thank you so much for your words!!! They have given me hope. You reminded me of St. Augustin…what better example than him? There’s nothing impossible for the one that trusts in the Lord.

I was just talking to a friend, catholic too but she confused me a bit because she felt I was trying to “change him” to fit my standards…but I think that this is something he does, not who he is; plus it is a real problem that could bring heartache in the future, and it’s better to talk about it and solve it now than later. I know that it all depends on what God wants, and that’s what I’m trying to discern.

Thank you everyone for your prayers…they’re helping

 

[igoraz]

I echo jon2456’s words and want to add two more thinks: fasting and sacrifice. Take the opportunity of lent and, together with your boyfriend, start fasting and doing some type of sacrifice. Jesus himself spoke of those demons that can only be defeated through prayer and fasting; I believe that this addiction is one of them.

Don’t lose hope, specially the hope of trusting and respecting your boyfriend again. God can heal everything if we cooperate with him.

Seek the help of a good, preferably Catholic counselor. Make a plan of going to confession often and help him stick to it.

I’ll be praying for both of you.

 

[Falco]

That’s very odd reasoning you’re using. I know many people, myself included, who have been involved in unsavory things and kicked the habit, and become better people because of it. Their struggle and their experience with these wrongs and evils built their character and improved their personality rather than tearing it down. If you met someone who had overcome an addiction and he never revealed that fact to you, how would you even know?

Wishing for someone who has never struggled with an addiction is like wishing for a virgin to marry, or someone with no past relationship entanglements, or if you’re in your 40s or beyond, someone who’s never been married and has no children with him. It’s unreasonable and it takes good, eligible men out of the market for you before you’ve even given them a chance for love.

But I guess you already have a husband so I guess this is not really a problem for you at this point in your life, anyway. I just think it’s unnecessarily judgemental.

No, I do not have a husband now - I did have one who never gave up his addiction and it broke us up. Wishing for someone without an addiction is nothing like wishing a virgin to marry - get real. It is my personal preference to avoid men who have addictive personalities - I don’t want a smoker, or an alcoholic, or a gambler. That is not unreasonable - it is my personal preference, not a universal law. It is you who are unnecessarily judgemental in presuming all kinds of other wishes on my behalf - such as men over 40, etc., which I did not say, or think of.

If that means I stay single, so be it - marriage to someone with an addiction that rears its head all the time is no joke.