Scared, bad thoughts and fear; can you help?

[Joebananas]

Hello! So this is my first post, and probably my last. The reason why I am posting this is because lately (for a while) I have been having these troubling thoughts. To be more specific, they basically make me question my stance and love for Jesus Christ. They are NOT wanted, as I love Jesus Christ with all my heart. However, these invasive thoughts make me “switch” that love to the devil. Once it happens though, I immediately say that it is false and that I love Jesus Christ. This is not just with Jesus though, as the same problem happens with Heaven and hell (obviously I want to go to heaven but my mind switches it).

This is not the end of my problems though. I have been stuck in mortal sin for a while. I have stopped committing it and I plan on going to confession soon, yet I feel like the guilt is attacking me. Worst of all, my mind is faced with immoral t(sexual) houghts. Again, they are compulsive and unwanted, yet sometimes they pop up randomly or are connected to something (meaning that if I think of something, the immoral thoughts may come up when I think about that particular thing). These immoral thoughts range from including ordinary people, to even religious figures, such as Jesus and Mother Mary. AGAIN, they are not wanted!

One more thing. I have also been struggling with thoughts about Heaven and hell. More specifically, where I will end up. These thoughts really scare me because I think that, with my bad thoughts, Jesus won’t let me into Heaven. Sometimes I “conjure” up pictures of hell in my mind… And sometimes when I think of where I will end up and all of the possibilities, my mind puts myself in those shoes (meaning that I picture myself in those situations). Again, unwanted…

I have tried and tried to stop these thoughts, going to Jesus for help. It works most of the time but I can’t help but feel like I have sinned. Even though I don’t consent to the thoughts, they bother me and make me feel like every time they come up I am failing Jesus and falling away from him (like he can’t trust me anymore). I really need advice. Am I sinning? When I go to confession, should I mention this? Is it a mortal sin?? I don’t think they are because they are not wanted, yet I can’t help feeling like they are… If these thoughts continue after I go to confession, will I no longer be in a state of grace or does Jesus know that they are unwanted and not count them as sinful?

Thank you so much!! Sorry for ranting on and on, but I really need advice.

 

[Fr.Vincent_Serpa]

Dear friend,

You have not sinned in having all those unwanted thoughts and fears. Obsessive compulsive behavior, such as you are having, is fed by fear and is more psychological than spiritual. I deal here with such problems often.

As for not being able to counter certain temptations with will power, you need to acknowledge this to the Lord and embrace your need for Him. This is so often is why we fail. We would like to be holy and faithful—without needing Him. But we do. And we need very much to know that we need Him. So He lets us fall on our faces so that we will know that we are not enough for ourselves.

I suggest that you regularly spend time before Him in the tabernacle. Focus on his Passion where He has shown us His divine love in a human way. Feel free to write me privately by clicking on my name above. I will send you a reflection on the Passion.

Fr. Vincent Serpa, O.P.