I cry inside because I am so torn. I realize that everyone here has the same belief structure that i have, even though my beliefs were taught to me during my teenage years (taught to me after an age when I would take what I had learned as truth without question).
Some think I am trying to gain publicity for the link that I posted. Some are curious. Still others form and state their own opinions on the matter. But nobody has actually viewed the video. I am torn and confused due to several things and I am writing up my life (for myself mostly) and will post it hear. It will explain much about me and my purposes for this thread. Everything centers on the fact that I am a huge sinner. I knew no religion until my mother converted a short while ago. When she prayed for me, i resented it. Because if my life took a turn for the better, it was because of her prayer and not because of me.
This was the major cause of my resentment towards prayer and the christian way of life until I had to undergoe a medical treatment similar to chemotherapy, and prior to that I was completely bedridden for months not even able to lift a finger without excruciating pain. During these times i prayed not at all. Even when motionless, I was one of the greatest sinners ever.
After that regaining some strength and ability to maneuver, I was only slightly less a sinner. To make a very long story short, I started praying. To God - and for some reason focusing on the God - The Creator. I made sure to mention and think about before every prayer that the God I was praying to created everything, Heaven and Earth, all plants and animals, all that is seen and unseen.
Then, I would meditate on that for 5+ minutes based on what I had read in a book about prayer. The name of the book was: “The Theology of Prayer” by Fr. John Hardon. It was pretty in depth and taught me alot.
I am jumping a bit here but i will state that after reading the book I would ask God to help me with my path and I got jumbled mentally because I could actually hear responses when praying. I thought I was going crazy. Thank God that this forum is anonomys but I when I focus on my prayer, and concentrate on what I am saying and wait for a response, I almost always get one, even if its not what I wanted to hear and I try to shove it off as just inner thought or conciense. I think that I can hear God/My Angel/Somebody speak to me when i totally commit myself to prayer and try to have a conversation. This communication has led me to learn more about my faith. It tells me and pushes me in directions that are almost impossible to follow.
But like Fr. Hardon stated in his book about prayer: Whether it be memorized ‘vocal prayer’ (Our Father/Hail Mary) or true internal ‘Spiritual Prayer’ (All prayer- an intimate conversation with the spirit world) The meaning is from the heart and not just repeated as vocal/taught prayer usually is. This is the most important type of prayer as it comes from the heart and is a communication with God rather than a Speech to him.
That being said, most people do not understand this type of prayer and on top of that, they do not benefit fully from any vocal prayer. For all prayer (vocal or spiritual), has to contain some level of thought and understanding and even appreciation or deep knowledge about what it is that is being said. Vocal prayer is nothing more than reciting memorized syllables. Purely vocal prayer, which most people do, is almost worthless. Even the most vocal prayer, such as the Our Father, where we know the meaning of every word but recite it only when in harmony with others, means next to nothing to God unless you convert that Vocal Prayer into Spiritual Prayer. The vocal prayer is a guide. The guide teaches you words. Those words should mean something when you say them. And you should communicate in conversation (2 way street) rather than make a speech (1 way street)
This is what the holiest people have mastered. The Saints, The mistics. What they have taught us is that regardless of what some may say, there is actually a real world that can be communicated with other than the world we live in. This world of the unseen (the world of God, the Saints, and Angels) is a true world and not a figment of the imagination for a person. When you master prayer, you will also have mastered the art of communication with the unseen world. No living/or dead person has mastered this communication completely, but the saints come the closest to mastery.
From that point on, I tried to think about what I was saying when I prayed. I stopped praying verbally almost completely and focused only upon praying to God to show me my path in life. I did this non-verbally. Thinking of God and all His creations. Thinking only of God who created me. And humbly asking him to show me my path. Nothing more. Nothing less.
All of the above is just my paraphrasing from Fr. Hardons adding my story
