Scared of having kids?

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sarahraegraham

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My husband and I are just returning to the Catholic faith. We’ve both had a worldly mentality when it comes to family. At first we didn’t want any, ever. Then we thought, maybe we’ll have 1 in a few years.

Now that we will be practicing Catholics, we are having a difficult time with this subject. Me, I want to follow Church teaching come hell or high water, because I know that it’s the right thing to do and that God will always take care of His children, and that he will never give us anything we can’t handle. But at the same time, I’m scared.

On the flip side, my husband has always been afraid to have children. And although he still says he wants 1, maybe 2 someday, I don’t know. And we both are used to having a certain lifestyle that would definitely change if we had children. For example, my income is pretty much all our “fun money”. We could survive on his income alone if we had to. And we’re not sure what would happen with me as far as working if/when we have children.

I guess what I’m looking for is some insight from people who have been there, done that… advice on how to handle the fear and apprehension, how to not let the issue drive us apart and/or affect our intimate relationship (which of course would be affected if one of us said “no kids yet”), practical “it’s not that bad” & how you handled it kind of thing.

I would really appreciate anyone’s (name removed by moderator)ut. 👍
 
Hi there!
My husband and I were not Catholic when we married. We were high school sweethearts, and from the time I met him (when I was 13), he always said he never wanted kids. I didn’t really care (remember, I was 13), and so, when we were married 10 years later, kids weren’t in the picture.

But then, things began to change. One day, while driving somewhere, my husband mentioned that having a “rugrat” wouldn’t be so bad. Then, the first of our friends had a kid. Then, my sister-in-law (who had always wanted children) found out she couldn’t have any. It just seemed like everywhere the issue of children was coming up.

Next thing I knew, I was crying on our bed one afternoon, and my husband walked in, thinking someone had died. I confessed that my heart had changed, and that I did want children, but I understood that he didn’t, and this was the sort of situation where marriages fell apart. We talked, and realized that we did want a child.

After she was born, my husband insisted that was enough. But somehow, over the course of the next two years, it became appearent that it wasn’t enough, and so we conceived baby no. two.

Shortly after our second child was born, we converted to Catholicism. The issue of birth control, being open to life, and a sincere resolve to follow ALL of the Church’s teachings soon led to baby no. three.

At this point, I’m ready, willing (but still scared) to leave it up to God how many children we’re blessed with. We moved across the country, where I quit work to stay at home with the children, so the financial overhaul was necessary. My husband is still a little wild-eyed when I mention more than 4 kids, but I trust in God, who led two morally empty, selfish, completely un-Christian people all the way home to the Church, so I can only trust that He’ll continue the work of converting my husband’s heart.

As for the money changes, I found that having a child was such a life-altering event, that the things my husband and I used to do that would eat up our money weren’t important any more. Then, once God put it in my heart that I was to stay at home with the children, the consumer-driven lifestyle become even less appealing to me.

But it doesn’t, and it didn’t happen all at once. It was a conversion experience, not a conversion hit-and-run. Don’t be scared that you’re not, at this precise moment, all fired up about having to revise your budget, your free time, your future. Pray that God converts your heart, and He will. Speaking as a former New-Age, no children, anti-Christianity, rabid feminist, God can help us achieve amazing things.

Cheers,
Cari
 
I have never known anyone who regretted having children, I have known so many who regretted not having any or more children than they did. Raising children are hard yes… but it will be the most rewarding thing you will ever do. You will learn that dying to self will be the most wonderful thing because you love so much more than you ever thought you were capable of. Your concerns about money will seem so trivial when your heart is bursting with love for your child. You will also find that you will willingly give up the “extras” to support your child.

Think about trusting God to decide because his plans are always better than your own.
 
I totally understand where the OP is coming from. While we are extremely Catholic, i didn’t plan on getting pregnant on our honeymoon. I had just graduated from college with a huge debt and had moved 2000 miles away from everything./everyone that I knew.

The biggest thing that scared us was the fact we couldn’t afford me not to be working. In fact we went into another 5,000 dollars in debt from living on CC trying to make ends meet so i could stay home the first 6 months.

Why don’t you try an experiment? Take the cost of what you’d spend on a newborn/baby a month and put into a savings account for a period of 3 months or so and see how much it really affects what you are able to do.
 
Not married, but a single not-so-wealthy parent here. First off, the “fun” things can happen, they just may need to change. I’m sure that in your area there are MANY free (or close to free) fun events that are offered through the park districts, high schools, colleges, etc. Also, memberships to childrens’ museums (when you have children old enough) are wonderful investments. Same thing with the local zoos and other museums, so worth the $80-$120 you need to pay for a year or two worth of a membership. And never, ever underestimate the excitement of a library. They offer a lot more than books, they offer many free classes for children and parents. If it’s music you like, it won’t take long to find out where there are concerts in the park for free or cheap (with great classical music and a picnic you’ll have an event your children will remember and enjoy). I do agree that now you should start to save some of your “fun” money and try out “fun but cheap” activities. I know in my area a LOT of the local cities, and even Chicago, offer free movies in the park during the summer time at night once a week. It’s a whole lot of fun. Also, at least here in Chicago, during the summer there are free dance lessons 3-4 times per week with different forms of dance each lesson. It won’t take you long before you find all the fun and cheap things to do. Also, if you’re athletic, invest in bicycles now and if you’re blessed with a little one soon, when s/he is a year you can take family bike rides together. If you need any more suggestions, let me know. BTW, before I had my dd, I would spend a lot of my money on traveling (I LOVE! LOVE! LOVE! to travel). I still do travel, but it is usually twice per year (once to my dad’s and once to somewhere where I can find good deals). I do save for these trips, but again, I do my research on costs beforehand (like months beforehand) and plan the cheapest trip possible.
 
If however it’s fear of , basically being the sole protector of another little life…that’s difficult…I’m terrified something would happen to my kids and for a very long time, definately until I was past 30, that stopped me from wanting kids! It IS a huge responsibility, and as they say in the advert ‘A child is not just for Christmas, it’s for LIFE’😉

Anna x
 
prayer will help the most. Jesus encountere lots of people who were afraid. He said, “Be not afraid.” Pray daily for your husband in this area that he’ll be open to what God asks of him.

Shifting the focus helps - look at how well God has provided for you already - is there a reason you can’t trust him now? Trust is a huge theme of the bible.

God also said children are a blessing. Focus on the joyfullness of children. They add so much to life.
Consider also - one day the material things will be gone. The ability to go out for fun will be gone. Even your spouse might be gone. Your kids are who will be left to see you and be a joy to you.

Children are the greatest gift you can give your marriage.
You’ll be so challenged to step beyond what you know now and you’ll love so much more deeply than you ever have.
Don’t be afraid.
It’s beautiful.
 
I am the youngest of 11. We never went hungry, somehow(wink, wink) we always got by. Always had a roof over our heads, food in our stomachs, shoes on our feet, clothes on our backs, and a parish full of people who were always willing to help us. God always provides if we follow Him. That’s a promise.
 
I find that last post amusing.

I have 8 and God does provide.

It’s not a typo - I really do have 8.👍

If I can do 8, you can do a at least a couple. 😃
 
Dakota_Maverick said:
I find that last post amusing.

I have 8 and God does provide.

It’s not a typo - I really do have 8.👍

If I can do 8, you can do a at least a couple. 😃
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wow, God bless you with all your children!
I am not married but having the thought about my future wife going through all pain…scares me. 😃
 
Cari said:
We get over it. If we didn’t, everyone would only ever have one kid. 😉
Click to expand...
True! I forget within a few hours. of course, then I stand up, ouch! I remember about a month before my daughter was born, suddenly thinking, 'oh, my what am I putting myself through again!" Hours after she was born I was thinking, 'that’s not so bad".

As far as finances go, it’s true that God does provide. After my divorce, I didn’t know how I was going to raise three kids on my own. I kept meeting people who had info on inexpensive living (my angels, perhaps). A great, cheap apartment opened up, my BIL loaned me a car, and my family members came out of the woodwork to help.

When dh and I started talking about marriage, he was very concerned about adding to the five children we already had. I found ways to make it work. Breastfeeding is free. Cloth diapering is way cheaper than disposables. Second hand stores have some really great clothes.

You can handle this! It’s all in thinking creatively. Now if I could just get my husband to remember that…

Kim
 
water said:
wow, God bless you with all your children!
I am not married but having the thought about my future wife going through all pain…scares me. 😃
Click to expand...
Not all of us go through pain during delivery either… I sure haven’t with any of my kids.
 
hmmm - I did have pain - even an epidural wore off during a section and so did a spinal once (during a section) - I remember the pain.

I don’t know that people get over it either - why else would threads on birth experiences go on for as long as most hot topic threads if everyone forgot it all? 😉

The main point is that anything worthwhile in life takes effort.
The better the goal; the more effort required. It’s like a cousin of mine who said, “words just don’t describe what it’s like”, when she held her newborn. Children are an incredible gift. To a large degree you really mold them and aim them in the direction of their eternal end. You get to help in something that lasts an eternity - what other job is there that compares? Everything else will fade away.

besides they are so cute and funny! there’s a show playing every few minutes! lol.
 
I think it’s all in how you think about childbirth that determines your expierance. If you go into it thinking it will be a horrendous process it will. That’s not to say that women who choose an epidural or have complications, “willed” it. Sometimes “stuff” just happens.

Anyway, I prefer to discribe birth as “intense”. There was pain but it wasn’t unbearable. My midwife told me something during my first birth. It sounds simplistic, but it’s true, “with every contraction tell yourself, I will never have THAT contraction again”. It eased my mind a lot and I was able to rest better between contractions.

My midwife with this last baby was absolutely wonderful. Whenever she noticed me tensing up, she would lay a hand on my leg and just quietly sit waiting for me to relax. Her confidance in me made my labor so much easier.

I had a waterbirth with Mia. She slid into my hands and I gently brought her up, out of the water. Just before she got to the surface, she opened her eyes and looked at me as if to say, “oh, hey, there you are.” I brought her to my breast and just stared at her while she calmly gazed around her. It was an AWSOME moment. and that’s what birth ends up being about.

Don’t let people scare you. I swear, I think it’s like when you’re dieting and everyone around you is trying to get you to eat ice-cream. They want to drag you into their miserable expierance. The doom and gloom club sees a pregnant woman and rubs it’s hands gleefully wanting to scare the you know what out of you. Give them a “Pshaw”, and tell them to take their stories elsewhere.

Read about birth. Ina May Gaskin has great books. The Birth Book by Dr. William Sears is excellant. Natural Childbirth The Bradley Way ,is awsome. Don’t read What To Expect While You’re Expecting, it will scare the **** out of you. It’s not worth the worries that will keep you up at night. Find a Birth Center. Midwives look at birth as a natural expierance rather than a medical emergancy. Instead of focusing on what can go wrong, they focus on what will go right. I love, love, love my Birth Center.

RelaxEven if you get pregnant tomorrow, you have an entire nine months to prepare. You’ll be fine.

Kim
 
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