Scared of having kids?

[PaulinVA]

Our first child had a severe birth defect and died when he was three. We learned about him during our “sonogram from hell”. We’ve had three since then, all relatively healthy, all with their own problems.

I would not give up parenthood for anything. It’s been hard at times, but we’ve all grown together. I am definitely a better person because of my wife, but also because of all of my children, who are a blessing from God.

This is something you need to do if you are married. You agreed to be open to life, but also there is an understanding of God, and of our life here on earth, that you can only learn from your children.

 

[maria29]

I think it’s all in how you think about childbirth that determines your expierance. If you go into it thinking it will be a horrendous process it will. That’s not to say that women who choose an epidural or have complications, “willed” it. Sometimes “stuff” just happens.

Anyway, I prefer to discribe birth as “intense”. There was pain but it wasn’t unbearable. My midwife told me something during my first birth. It sounds simplistic, but it’s true, “with every contraction tell yourself, I will never have THAT contraction again”. It eased my mind a lot and I was able to rest better between contractions.

My midwife with this last baby was absolutely wonderful. Whenever she noticed me tensing up, she would lay a hand on my leg and just quietly sit waiting for me to relax. Her confidance in me made my labor so much easier.

I had a waterbirth with Mia. She slid into my hands and I gently brought her up, out of the water. Just before she got to the surface, she opened her eyes and looked at me as if to say, “oh, hey, there you are.” I brought her to my breast and just stared at her while she calmly gazed around her. It was an AWSOME moment. and that’s what birth ends up being about.

Don’t let people scare you. I swear, I think it’s like when you’re dieting and everyone around you is trying to get you to eat ice-cream. They want to drag you into their miserable expierance. The doom and gloom club sees a pregnant woman and rubs it’s hands gleefully wanting to scare the you know what out of you. Give them a “Pshaw”, and tell them to take their stories elsewhere.

I actually had an overwhelming amount of the other type of advice where it’ll be this beautiful moment, you’ll get past pain etc…and i wish had a balance more of the two. I wish people had told me “YES IT CAN HURT!!! and you are not a horrible person to take a painkiller” so that i didn’t feel like this huge wimp. I had no experience with childbirth except for books (I am an only child)

Read about birth. Ina May Gaskin has great books. The Birth Book by Dr. William Sears is excellant. Natural Childbirth The Bradley Way ,is awsome. Don’t read What To Expect While You’re Expecting, it will scare the **** out of you. It’s not worth the worries that will keep you up at night. Find a Birth Center. Midwives look at birth as a natural expierance rather than a medical emergancy. Instead of focusing on what can go wrong, they focus on what will go right.

My OBGYN was the same way and when my child went into to distress and the heartbeat almost stopped I thank God i was at a place where they were able to focus on getting my baby delivered quickly and alive.

I love, love, love my Birth Center.

Yes you should be positive as possible while being pregnant that being said I do believe in arming yourself with information. If i had never read the What to Expect book then I wouldn’t of been able to understand in “plain english” what was going on when i had complications.

RelaxEven if you get pregnant tomorrow, you have an entire nine months to prepare. You’ll be fine.

Kim

 

[Marquez]

I’ve had three c-sections in five years. You do what you have to do to give birth an reduce the risk for the baby. Yes it hurt but that is only temporary. Motherhoood is the hardest job in the world I am convinced and the most rewarding though at times it doesn’t feel that way. No one ever regrets having kids, but I have many friends who have waited until they were more prepeared or financially stable and then either weren’t able to concieve or just were to afraid to do it. Kids aren’t something youcan plan even the births. I never imagined an enmergency c-section the first time but ther is nothing you can do. The only thought is do whatever you have to do to me to get this baby out safely. I t is all in God’s hands. Thank goodness for modern medicine!

 

[eponymic]

My husband and I are just returning to the Catholic faith. We’ve both had a worldly mentality when it comes to family. At first we didn’t want any, ever. Then we thought, maybe we’ll have 1 in a few years.

Now that we will be practicing Catholics, we are having a difficult time with this subject. Me, I want to follow Church teaching come hell or high water, because I know that it’s the right thing to do and that God will always take care of His children, and that he will never give us anything we can’t handle. But at the same time, I’m scared.

On the flip side, my husband has always been afraid to have children. And although he still says he wants 1, maybe 2 someday, I don’t know. And we both are used to having a certain lifestyle that would definitely change if we had children. For example, my income is pretty much all our “fun money”. We could survive on his income alone if we had to. And we’re not sure what would happen with me as far as working if/when we have children.

I guess what I’m looking for is some insight from people who have been there, done that… advice on how to handle the fear and apprehension, how to not let the issue drive us apart and/or affect our intimate relationship (which of course would be affected if one of us said “no kids yet”), practical “it’s not that bad” & how you handled it kind of thing.

I would really appreciate anyone’s (name removed by moderator)ut.

Let me first qualify my statements by saying that I’m unmarried and have no children, so I haven’t “been there”, but I hope I can offer some useful advice.

It’s perfectly natural to be scared of the unknown, and with kids there are a lot of unknowns. I think that most people who are “scared of having children” are really scared of what their life will become. Things won’t be the same as they were before, and I think that’s rather obvious, but that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t take a chance. Any major decision in life will affect you life, and this one is no different than taking a new job, or moving cross country in that regard. The key to success lies in trusting that things will work out, even if they won’t be exactly the same as they were before. If you never close your eyes, you’ll always be afraid to fall.

On that note, I’d also like to stress that you should have kids because you want kids. Make sure that you and your husband agree that you’re doing it because you want to do it, not because other people want you to do it. If you do it on your terms, it will help with your fears because it’s something that you decided and that you wanted. It’s your life to live, and you can get all the help you want, but at the end of the day it’s you and your husband having the kid.

 

[puppylove]

I regret not being mature enough to select the a decent person to marry in the 1st place and have more children in my 20’s when I was healthier. I had 1 dd who is nearly 16 with my first husband who can’t seem to find $150 a month to send for her child support. I remarried 7 years ago and we have a 2 year old together. My hubby is a wonderful father and our toddler loves loves loves her daddy. The toddler is a challange now because I am 40 and hubby is 48, but she is the joy of our lives. Don’t wait until you can afford it and think you are ready!!! Children make such a great addition to your marriage under normal circumstances. I can’t say that about my first marriage though.