Scared of Marriage because of interesting reason?

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Walterross

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Hi there. So I want to start this question by stating straight away that I’m not scared of marriage for the reasons you might think. (Commitment, “ball and chain”, etc.) I actually want to get married very much! I’ve always wanted to meet someone, fall in love, and have a very fruitful marriage with the other person. My fear arises out of a fear of having kids. I also truly DO want to have kids and raise them in the church! I have a fear of the salvation of souls for everyone, especially my family now (I’m young so this just includes immediate family, extended family, friends, etc.) No kids yet. I’m terrified of any of these people that I care about going to hell. Now this fear also extends into myself getting married. Now I’m worried about the salvation of my wife and potential children. It almost makes me want to avoid marriage to avoid having more souls to worry about. This may sound weird but it’s almost like the more you have, the more you have to lose. I’m talking about gaining more people in my family if I have a wife/kids. I understand that I may be called to the single life which is fine, or the priesthood which is fine, but I’ve always longed for a wife. Is this fear a good indicator that marriage is not right for me? Or that God is calling me to something else? I want to think that God would not call me out of fear, but out of love to other vocations but I’m not sure how God works certainly.
 
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I think it may help to remember God desires to draw all people to Himself and that you are not singlehandedly responsible for them going to heaven or hell. Does the thought of surrounding yourself and your children with friends of faith, or the thought of having them see a spiritual director if you’re feeling out of your depth make these fears decrease at all?
 
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I would like them to see a spiritual director to ease my own fears and at least somewhat know that they are trying to please God. However, I wouldn’t know how to do this without sounding like a judge. “YOU NEED TO SEE A SPIRITUAL DIRECTOR JUST LIKE ME!” Also sounds like pride. I’m neither judgmental or prideful, just worried I guess.
 
You cannot worry about things like that. It is the common situation of all mankind, as a result of the fall of Adam and Eve, to be able to choose good or to choose evil. God calls all people to follow Him in His One True Catholic Church. They will either save their souls, or they will not. Not to get into some kind of mushy, amorphous ecumenical sentimentality, but most people are basically good (with evil inclinations, to be sure, but still basically good) and want to do the right thing and to live and die in the friendship of God as they perceive Him. Relatively few people in the modern world follow God in the Catholic Church, have an adequate understanding of all that God calls them to do in life, believe and accept this understanding, and then act upon it. Is everyone else, then, going to Hell? I certainly hope not. I really want to believe that God takes us as we are, not as we should be.

No one has to marry. Some people should not marry. Most do. That is how the human race lives on into another generation. Generally speaking, married people have children. These children, as does everybody else, have a choice, to follow God or not to follow God. If everyone thought as you do, in 100 years, there would be no more people.

I recommend that you find a good, solid Catholic priest, orthodox and faithful to the magisterium, and tell him what you have told us here. You may have a touch of very narrowly defined scrupulosity. There is no disgrace in that. Scrupulosity is an “occupational hazard” of any faithful, serious Catholic. Again, tell him what you have shared here.
 
No one goes to hell unless they choose hell. That is their free will.
 
Walterross said:
However, I wouldn’t know how to do this without sounding like a judge. “YOU NEED TO SEE A SPIRITUAL DIRECTOR JUST LIKE ME!” Also sounds like pride. I’m neither judgmental or prideful, just worried I guess.
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I would think seeking help and guidance in the life of faith is more humble than it is prideful. If your kids see you as someone who seeks, learns, and tries to grow, they won’t think anything is off about the offer.
 
I understand that. I guess what also scares me is the fact that I’ve learned so much about Catholic faith through sinning (falling). I think it’s unreasonable to think that my children will never sin. They won’t be a Jesus or Mary. I’m scared of the fact (for myself as well), if they are learning to grow towards God, and a freak accident were to happen where they were unable to repent (say a car accident), I’m scared they will go to hell. Yes they sinned, however, they were cut off of a lifetime of opportunities to repent, and become closer to God. If that makes sense? I know we choose other things over God, but what if they are still learning in this overly complicated thing we call life? I sure hope God’s mercy understands how difficult it is sometimes.
 
Walterross said:
if they are learning to grow towards God, and a freak accident were to happen where they were unable to repent (say a car accident), I’m scared they will go to hell.
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God is not sitting up in heaven just waiting for GOTCHA so he can send someone to hell. Remember, God knows the exact day and time when every one of us will die. Nothing sneaks up on Him. Work on seeing God as your loving Father.
 
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TheLittleLady said:
God is not sitting up in heaven just waiting for GOTCHA so he can send someone to hell. Remember, God knows the exact day and time when every one of us will die. Nothing sneaks up on Him. Work on seeing God as your loving Father.
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I try. And overall I do think he is loving AND just. So technically if they are in mortal sin (sexual sin for example from raging hormones AND choice) and they die, they do choose Hell right? I hope what you said is true and that God gives everyone adequate time to repent before they die, but I don’t see this as true as accidents occur every single day. God does work in mysteries ways, however, and maybe this is just something beyond our comprehension.
 
Walterross said:
I would like them to see a spiritual director to ease my own fears
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No, this is not your call. And also, you are making yourself more responsible for other people’s lives than you should. People have free will. There is no guarantee your spouse or children will do all the right things. But it is on them, not you. Do you think your parents are responsible for any failings you may have?
 
Irishmom2 said:
No, this is not your call. And also, you are making yourself more responsible for other people’s lives than you should. People have free will. There is no guarantee your spouse or children will do all the right things. But it is on them, not you. Do you think your parents are responsible for any failings you may have?
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I understand that, as hard as it is to swallow. I just care too much perhaps? I love my family and friends and hope we all get to Heaven. I have this fear of God (gift from the Holy Spirit) that is guiding me and I just hope it is also revealed to everyone. It just makes me sad that it probably won’t be revealed to everyone.
 
It is the chance you take I suppose. Good Catholic parents do not necessarily have ‘Holy and devout’ kids but then again you could have non-believing parents having children which grow up to become ‘Holy’ people and even clergy. God works in a mysterious way to what we would expect.
 
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Walterross said:
I have this fear of God (gift from the Holy Spirit) that is guiding me and I just hope it is also revealed to everyone.
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No. You have a distorted understanding of “fear of the lord”.

The gift of the Holy Spirit referred to as “fear of
the lord” means wonder and awe. We are aware of the glory and majesty of the lord through this gift. Fear of the lord is the beginning of wisdom— it is part of the theological virtue of hope.

You have an irrational fear, bordering on despair. You need spiritual direction.
 
Perhaps you’re right. I’m just afraid to go against God’s will because of what is at stake. It seems very important if not the most important thing in our lives. I should reach out to my parish priest and seek direction, however.
 
Walterross said:
. I have this fear of God (gift from the Holy Spirit)
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The Holy Spirit’s gift is not “fear of God” as in “be afraid of God”. It is “fear of God” as in seeing how marvelous and majestic is our God. It is not a servile fear of punishment and wrath.
 
You can’t live your life in fear: if it isn’t fear of having kids because they might sin, there’ll be something else you are fearful of. That’s no way to live. As has been posted, these fears you have are not rational.
 
VonDerTann said:
You can’t live your life in fear: if it isn’t fear of having kids because they might sin, there’ll be something else you are fearful of. That’s no way to live. As has been posted, these fears you have are not rational.
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I realize a lot of this is out of my control. I get that. But I’m just so scared because so much is on the line. I’m naturally a worrier so thinking about ETERNAL salvation really makes me nervous. I know how much I struggle with sin and I’m pretty devout, so I fear for not only myself but everyone.
 
You’re an over thinker. I recognise one of my tribe 😂. When I get into my going round in circles headspace, what I must do is just stop and say ‘thank you Jesus.’ Do an our father, a Hail Mary and a glory be. A really great thing to do is meditate on a picture of the Passion, a crucifix or go to adoration. Your thoughts need to focus on the important thing which is Jesus and his salvation and love for us all. You can’t control what happens with your wife and future kids but you can be a great example and pray for them though. God doesn’t want you to fall
 
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Onw thing that helped me was something I read: God has no grandchildren.

It means that He is just as, well, probably even more concerned about my children’s salvation just as He is concerned about my salvation. My children’s salvation is like my salvation: in God’s hands.

All we can do in life is to do our best at the time. We can’t spend a lot of time fretting about the past, and we also can not spend a lot of time fretting about the future.
 
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