Scared of Shaking Hands

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Irishgal49

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Hello everyone,

I had avoided going to church for some time. I suffer with crippling anxiety; OCD/PTSD, and Bipolar disorder. I am on meds that keep the bipolar disorder in check but I am terrified of shaking hands. I used to purposely look for half empty churches where I can sit far away from everyone. I have been known to change seats 3 or 4 times before Mass. I can’t kneel so I try not to sit directly in front of people.

I am terrified of shaking hands. It is a phobia of mine and it’s making life miserable at Mass. I have worked with a priest on my even attending Mass at all. I really wish I didn’t have to go through the terror and fear that I endure. I have medication if I have a full-blown panic attack but it’s addictive so I try not to take it unless I have to. It also makes it hard for me to drive.

I am so grateful to be good friends with a very understanding priest. He was actually assigned to a parish within 30 minutes of where I live so I have attended there, thinking it would be helpful to at least have someone that knows of my issues. My most dreaded churches are those that have you “stand up and shake hands as we get ready to begin Mass” UGH. So there are two times when you have to shake hands. I have tried to just ignore the hand and smile and be welcoming in my own way but people look hurt and embarrassed.

I had a good laugh with a friend who jokingly suggested I wear yellow rubber dish washing gloves. I usually just sit in the back and duck out of the sanctuary when there are handshaking times before and during Mass. But the glove idea got me thinking, maybe I could wear gloves and maybe that would work. I just wish people didn’t shake hands as part of Mass. Just my luck to find a friendly church, but my friend is a warm and caring priest so it’s not a surprise.

What do you do? I hate to see people feel rejected but I also don’t want to explain that I don’t like shaking hands at every Mass I attend. Any suggestions will help. Some of it is a germ issue but I was abused as a kid and a lot of it is being forced to touch people or be touched when I don’t know them and don’t want them to touch me. Please pray as I’m trying to keep coming to Mass. Two weeks ago I had to stand the entire Mass in the back and stayed there, leaving for a bathroom break during passing of the peace. I have jokingly thought of having a meeting with the daily ushers, wearing a tag that says I don’t want to shake hands and asking if I can sit in the balcony with the organist.

I hope I can not feel such total panic at some point. I offered it up for my priest friend as he is new at his parish and is the only pastor for 2 parishes. You can see he is tired and I offered it all up for him. Thanks for letting me share this. I appreciate you reading it.
 
I understand and relate to this from when I used to go to Mass. I think that it’s completely okay to wear gloves or to leave for a few minutes when it gets to that part of the Mass. I can’t really think of any other ideas, except for sitting away from people but that’s not always possible and sometimes people will still come over.

Personally, I wish that they would just leave the hand-shaking part out altogether.
 
Sometimes you might pretend to have a cold or cough. Then when you refuse to shake hands, put your hands together in a praying position and bow as if you don’t want to get germs on others.This would only be a white lie and would be venial. Also, if you get gloves, you might want to use the latex gloves that are see-thru that Drs. and R.Ns, use. Or maybe you can find cotton ones.
 
Get some classy-looking gloves and just relax. I simply make sure I’m always turned the wrong way to avoid it myself. 😉
 
It is annoying how some people are about holding hands. I was at a church and when we come to the Lord’s Prayer I always put my hands in a prayer posture and close my eyes. It works most of the time except once when a woman in front of me poked me (I swear she really did this) not just once but twice and said, “Don’t you want to hold hands” and this was while the prayer was being prayed! I opened my eyes and glared at her and said no and she said, “OK, whatever” in a really snotty voice. The balcony is looking better and better.
 
brigid12 said:
Sometimes you might pretend to have a cold or cough. Then when you refuse to shake hands, put your hands together in a praying position and bow as if you don’t want to get germs on others.This would only be a white lie and would be venial.
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It is NOT OK for us to lie, even “white lies” are wrong, and it is NOT OK to counsel someone to sin.
 
Loly_Maria said:
I understand and relate to this from when I used to go to Mass. I think that it’s completely okay to wear gloves or to leave for a few minutes when it gets to that part of the Mass. I can’t really think of any other ideas, except for sitting away from people but that’s not always possible and sometimes people will still come over.

Personally, I wish that they would just leave the hand-shaking part out altogether.
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Thank you!!! I thought I was alone on that. Thank you!!

As for the peace,
View attachment 22045
 
Irishgal49 said:
Hello everyone,

I had avoided going to church for some time. I suffer with crippling anxiety; OCD/PTSD, and Bipolar disorder. I am on meds that keep the bipolar disorder in check but I am terrified of shaking hands. I used to purposely look for half empty churches where I can sit far away from everyone. I have been known to change seats 3 or 4 times before Mass. I can’t kneel so I try not to sit directly in front of people.

I am terrified of shaking hands. It is a phobia of mine and it’s making life miserable at Mass. I have worked with a priest on my even attending Mass at all. I really wish I didn’t have to go through the terror and fear that I endure. I have medication if I have a full-blown panic attack but it’s addictive so I try not to take it unless I have to. It also makes it hard for me to drive.

I am so grateful to be good friends with a very understanding priest. He was actually assigned to a parish within 30 minutes of where I live so I have attended there, thinking it would be helpful to at least have someone that knows of my issues. My most dreaded churches are those that have you “stand up and shake hands as we get ready to begin Mass” UGH. So there are two times when you have to shake hands. I have tried to just ignore the hand and smile and be welcoming in my own way but people look hurt and embarrassed.

I had a good laugh with a friend who jokingly suggested I wear yellow rubber dish washing gloves. I usually just sit in the back and duck out of the sanctuary when there are handshaking times before and during Mass. But the glove idea got me thinking, maybe I could wear gloves and maybe that would work. I just wish people didn’t shake hands as part of Mass. Just my luck to find a friendly church, but my friend is a warm and caring priest so it’s not a surprise.

What do you do? I hate to see people feel rejected but I also don’t want to explain that I don’t like shaking hands at every Mass I attend. Any suggestions will help. Some of it is a germ issue but I was abused as a kid and a lot of it is being forced to touch people or be touched when I don’t know them and don’t want them to touch me. Please pray as I’m trying to keep coming to Mass. Two weeks ago I had to stand the entire Mass in the back and stayed there, leaving for a bathroom break during passing of the peace. I have jokingly thought of having a meeting with the daily ushers, wearing a tag that says I don’t want to shake hands and asking if I can sit in the balcony with the organist.

I hope I can not feel such total panic at some point. I offered it up for my priest friend as he is new at his parish and is the only pastor for 2 parishes. You can see he is tired and I offered it all up for him. Thanks for letting me share this. I appreciate you reading it.
Click to expand...
I understand, though I certainly cannot feel what you feel.
Hand sanitizer for one.
Not extending your hand may be awkward at first, but others may catch on and not extend in kind.
I like the glove thing, though.
:signofcross:
 
Elizium23 said:
Our pastor actually told us we were not allowed to flash “peace signs” during the sign of peace. In particular, one of the choir members was doing it, and it was getting out of hand.
Click to expand...
I shall amend then.
 
Maybe keep your hands in your pockets and smile at people? I get it, I have OCD and PTSD, too. I never shake hands. I sit in a row tbat has an empty space in front of it so no people can sit there. I also dont turn around. My husband waves to people instead of me.
 
I’m not afraid of shaking hands but I especially don’t like it when someone obviously has a bad cold, just coughed in their hands & then is so eager to shake your hand! :eek:

Our pastor says show some form of peace…so I wave & smile…but I do try to sit far from people or stand in the back of the church.

People should have enough sense to avoid spreading germs if they are sick…but… 🤷
 
Would gloves help? Nice ones like the cotton white gloves we used to wear out back in the olden days (which it recently occurred to me were a good idea since it probably would cut down on the passage of germs).

If not, just smile and wave. People will either assume you have a reason for not shaking hands or allow themselves to get into some sort of offended or disappointed state, but their reactions are *not your problem. *There are people who don’t shake hands because they are sick, because they have arthritis, because they are germ-phobic… Just be extra-warm with a big smile to make up for it.
 
St_Francis said:
If not, just smile and wave. People will either assume you have a reason for not shaking hands or allow themselves to get into some sort of offended or disappointed state, but their reactions are *not your problem. *There are people who don’t shake hands because they are sick, because they have arthritis, because they are germ-phobic… Just be extra-warm with a big smile to make up for it.
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I find in my parish that’s what most people seem to do now anyway. I don’t mind shaking hands but I don’t assume the other person wants to, so I just nod to them, smile and offer the peace of Christ, keeping my hands down.
 
brigid12 said:
Then when you refuse to shake hands, put your hands together in a praying position and bow as if you don’t want to get germs on others.
Click to expand...
This isn’t a lie of any sort. Those of us who don’t want to either hold hands or shake hands have various reasons for not doing so. Tho it is easier to do the small bow when others are a distance away.

During the Our Father I do as Karl Keating has suggested - eyes closed, hands in front of me. I actually hang onto the pew back as I have balance difficulties. And STILL people who don’t know me will grab my hand. One of these days two strangers will grab both my hands and I’ll fall over. 😦
 
During the Our Father, I just fold my hands in prayer. At the Sign of Peace, I just give a small wave & say “Peace be with you”. There is no need to hold or shake hands if you wish not to do so.
 
Simply keep your hands in a prayerful position, clasped. Nod, flash your friendliest smile and say, “Peace be with you.”

If someone reaches out to you, don’t unclasp your hands.

No fuss, no muss.
 
When we get to heaven, we can shake hands, hug, kiss, etc. etc. because there will be no germs there.

No more trips to the bathroom either, during inopportune moments! 😊 👍
 
I don’t like, and won’t, hold hands during the Our Father. Just conditioned after years of not doing so to have that added to the mass to make it feel forced and out of place. Seems inappropriate to start mimicking the priests actions at certain points of the mass— don’t know where/how that started. Although, I don’t have a problem shaking hands unless the other person obviously is sick…

However- here’s my advice if you don’t want to shake hands.
  • Hold your hands firmly together at your waist, smile beautifully as you turn to each person and wish them peace. I’ve never had an issue with folks who do that- I assume they have arthritis, an injury, a skin condition or sensitivity, or are sick. None of my business as to the issue and I’ve never been offended by it- I just respond in kind with wishing them peace.
 
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