Scared of Shaking Hands

[Casilda]

What do you do? I hate to see people feel rejected but I also don’t want to explain that I don’t like shaking hands at every Mass I attend. Any suggestions will help.

I belong to an Eastern Catholic parish, and I honestly do not know what the custom is, because I see people briefly kissing on the cheek (usually family groups), hand shaking, waving, or smiling and nodding. I like the smiling and nodding, its more polite and still friendly. So that is what I do. When visiting a Roman Catholic parish I hold onto the missal and smile and nod, too. Once, I was reaching for the missal, and was not paying attention to my left side when I was grabbed by my pew mate for the Our Father. So, keep your hands together or holding onto a missal or hymnal or bring your own book.

 

[Casilda]

My husband just reminded me that the hand shaking and greeting is just before mass starts after the priest enters, passing the peace starts at the altar from the the priest to the altar servers to the first person in each pew and then passed on to each person. It is not a hand shake but closed hands, together like praying, and you place your own hands over theirs.

 

[AllieT]

I don’t mind when people refuse a hand shake or indicate they don’t want to. I understand different people have their reasons. If I were you, I’d hold my hands together clasped or together in a praying position up in front of you and smile with a slight head bow and a “peace be with you.” Unfortunately it’s awkward for you, but the other people will get over it and I’m sure if they gave it any thought, they’d figure you had some reason not to shake. They’d probably think it was a germ thing, which is what I usually chalk it up to. Gloves are also a good idea. Someone I know had a skin condition and had to wear gloves - it seemed to be a good indication to others that he wasn’t up for shaking…

 

[Trident_H]

Just make a real shown of sneezing into your hands just before it comes time. That way you won’t have to avoid people because they will avoid you!

 

[two1176]

This is a non-issue at the Traditional Mass since there is no hand shaking, back slapping, or high fiving at all. All this nonsense does is take the focus off of the Lord and right before Communion no less. No thanks.

 

[Deo_Gratias42]

Do you have access to the Mass offered in the Extraordinary Form (ie: according to how it was offered prior to the reform)? There is no handshaking during Mass. I like it because it’s celebrated ad orientem (priest and people face the same direction) so it keeps my social anxiety disorder at bay with not feeling like the priest is staring at me and judging me, waiting for me to make a mistake.

 

[TK421]

Find a consistent spot and stay there. Barring the occasional visitor, any nearby people will stop trying to shake your hand after awhile. Wearing gloves might be able to wean you into gradually feeling less uncomfortable with shaking hands. That is something worth considering. You might feel strongly inclined towards the back, but a near-front row on the edge might be better, next to some elderly people that stay there every Sunday.

I would bring a small, durable sacramental to Mass, such as a small crucifix, a Miraculous Medal, a rosary, or something of the sort, and squeeze it tightly - even enough to make your hand muscles tired - during the harder moments, and pray repetitively in your head, “Jesus help me, Mary be a mother to me”, again and again and again until the moment has passed. If you do decide to shake hands with people, just nod and smile while you do it, while you repetitively pray for divine aid. And do this consistently, so that when a pang of fear seizes you and wraps itself around you, you will be - out of habit - instinctively hurled into a state of prayer for help.

 

[Ginkgo100]

I know I’m coming to this thread late — I was searching for something else but this post intrigued me.

I have no problem myself with handshaking, but occasionally as I’ve turned to someone near me at the sign of peace they have just given a little wave, very deliberately not proffering a hand for me to shake. I have always assumed there was a good reason: a hand injury, an immune disorder where they have to avoid germ exposure, a phobia. I can’t remember this ever happening where the person did not at least smile graciously, and I always smile back, hold up a hand in a sort of wave, and offer the greeting. It’s called the sign of peace, right? So let them engage in it in whatever way preserves their peace!

So having experienced this from the other person’s point of view, I’d say your best bet is to do what these other “refusers” have done. Deliberately refuse to offer your hand for shaking. Hold up a hand in a sort of wave instead. Keep it close to your body, maybe with your hand near your face, so there’s no ambiguity and no overzealous person can grab your hand. And make eye contact, smile, and offer the verbal greeting! If they get their feelings hurt after all this, then I would submit that it is their problem. You could pray for them in that case.

But don’t let Old Scratch convince you to avoid Mass because of your anxiety. When I have suffered anxiety, I pray for Christ to grant me peace. I have learned not to pray for the thing making me anxious to go away, because it often doesn’t… I pray for the anxiety itself to go away. I will pray for you too. But by all means, do not avoid Mass!

One more thought… if some nosy soul gives you a hard time and wants to know why you won’t shake their hand, you can truthfully tell them it’s due to illness and leave it at that. OCD and PTSD are real illnesses that can be very severe for some folks. Nobody would insist on you shaking if you had severe arthritis and shaking caused you pain; psychological pain is no different. Pax Christi tecum.