L
lynnehelen
Guest
I have determined that the problems I am having with my situation and my uncertainties about how to proceed stem from my uncertainties about my son.
It is 4:00 a.m. and I can’t sleep and we (my son and I) are supposed to be touring the area tomorrow together as my mother and father have stranded him at their home, going out with friends and leaving him. I sense that, although he had expressed an interest in going with me on such touring, he may be uncertain himself.
My psychologist described him as “chameleon-like.” He has learned to blend in wherever he goes because he has been so many places. As he is dependent on them right now for a place to live and help with his legal problems, he is necessarily obedient to my parents, who tried to justify abandoning at home while going out pleasure-seeking themselves, something they routinely did when I was young.
He has spent a lot of time with them during his life. My mother interfered when he was 10 months old and gave me a bad name as his mother and started putting me on psych wards, which she had the power to do. So I never found my feet as “Mom.” Would I have? I don’t know. It is true that I was in a desperate condition. But with her intervention it only became unspeakably worse and I was barely even a person at all, let alone a Mom.
I missed out on so much. I didn’t know how to pray for my son. I would guess he mistrusts me. I feel I don’t really know him–my mother literally put her face in his once when he was very tiny and I was trying to draw him back to me as we were preparing to leave her home and return to ours, and drew him to herself instead. It was so heartbreaking and infuriating at the same time. I have to say, in all honesty, that my mother is insane and dangerous, and my father, through long learning, cooperates with her and although at one time he was cognizant of her foibles he has been totally dependent on her for years because of the mild stroke, and has grown confused, fogetful, defensive, and unreliable
My father just defeated me even in his sleep. Difficult to explain. This is already too long already.
The problem is that there is a darkness between me and my son, and it is such a complex relationship, and so important to me, and there is so much trouble with the divorce, that I am uncertain of all my decisions and don’t know what to do, how to proceed, I’ve made the choices I’ve made so far and they have landed me in a motel room at 4 in the morning thirsty and exhausted in a strange place among strangers and I am scared.
It is 4:00 a.m. and I can’t sleep and we (my son and I) are supposed to be touring the area tomorrow together as my mother and father have stranded him at their home, going out with friends and leaving him. I sense that, although he had expressed an interest in going with me on such touring, he may be uncertain himself.
My psychologist described him as “chameleon-like.” He has learned to blend in wherever he goes because he has been so many places. As he is dependent on them right now for a place to live and help with his legal problems, he is necessarily obedient to my parents, who tried to justify abandoning at home while going out pleasure-seeking themselves, something they routinely did when I was young.
He has spent a lot of time with them during his life. My mother interfered when he was 10 months old and gave me a bad name as his mother and started putting me on psych wards, which she had the power to do. So I never found my feet as “Mom.” Would I have? I don’t know. It is true that I was in a desperate condition. But with her intervention it only became unspeakably worse and I was barely even a person at all, let alone a Mom.
I missed out on so much. I didn’t know how to pray for my son. I would guess he mistrusts me. I feel I don’t really know him–my mother literally put her face in his once when he was very tiny and I was trying to draw him back to me as we were preparing to leave her home and return to ours, and drew him to herself instead. It was so heartbreaking and infuriating at the same time. I have to say, in all honesty, that my mother is insane and dangerous, and my father, through long learning, cooperates with her and although at one time he was cognizant of her foibles he has been totally dependent on her for years because of the mild stroke, and has grown confused, fogetful, defensive, and unreliable
My father just defeated me even in his sleep. Difficult to explain. This is already too long already.
The problem is that there is a darkness between me and my son, and it is such a complex relationship, and so important to me, and there is so much trouble with the divorce, that I am uncertain of all my decisions and don’t know what to do, how to proceed, I’ve made the choices I’ve made so far and they have landed me in a motel room at 4 in the morning thirsty and exhausted in a strange place among strangers and I am scared.