Scary realization: I will never be happy as long as I am alone

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Man was not meant to be alone. People are designed for community and relationship.

While the OP may speak quite dramatically, perhaps in some unhealthy levels, there are some underlying truths in what is being said that have been ignored, or answered with cliches here.

When someone is designed by God for the vocation of marriage (especially an extrovert)… to live without that vocation can be quite debilitating, toxic even.

I’m very extroverted. I’m designed for marriage. I’ve gotten to a point that I can be as happy as possible without my vocation, but it is still debilitating. The actual God given need for regular consistent relationship, for making myself a gift for something better outside of myself, just day to day life items that would not be healthy to ring in good friends to be depended on for… these are legitimate concerns.

To say that I should be “HAPPY AND CONTENT” being alone before God brings someone into my life is nonsense. I’m not living my vocation. I shouldn’t be happy and content with that. It is survival and coping to the best I can, but it is definitely not thriving.

and another thing…its so interesting that the desire for children and the pain associated with infertility is given so much compassion…but someone wanting to live their vocation and expressing their pain from not doing so is considered unhealthy and shut down.
 
*Forgive me but I don’t think you are reading what folk are saying to you. Please stay open rather than closed?
*

I am. I apologize if I’m sounding too dramatic or hopeless. As I said, I do have hope that I will eventually marry. The problem isn’t meeting women or even talking to them. I’m really fine with that. I don’t need to “get more involved” or use dating sites.

It’s just that every attempt to try and develop a relationship with a woman, even those who are openly fond of me, seems to fail through no fault of my own. It’s almost like my efforts are being sabotaged. FYI, every time I go to confession the priest tells me to pray that God helps me find a girlfriend and develop my vocation, even though I don’t mention any of this to him! I’m sure he can understand what partnership does to a man, and what a lack of it can also do. I know I can be a better person, sin less, be happier etc if I had someone to share my life with. It just baffles me why God is seemingly withholding it from me. I don’t want to marry any time soon, but I’m sick of being single. I fear that I will become one of those people who needs to settle for whatever is left at the end of the road and marry someone just for the sake of marrying. I’m fine with that also. I’d rather marry someone I otherwise wouldn’t, than not marry at all. I feel it’s my spiritual duty to at least leave a generation of children behind. I’m willing to do that, I’m just wondering whether God understands how much I need to find a woman who really understands me and appreciates me for who I am. I don’t think he’s aware just how much of a difference it would make to my life and my emotional strength.
 
We are meant not only for THIS LIFE, but the
LIFE TO COME to be in relationships. My advice
is to not limit a SHARING relationship to the opposite
sex. The Bible shows us that we should “Submit to
one another in reverence for Christ” Eph. 5:21 See
also Eph. 5:1-2
we should CARE about others’ concerns, needs,
aspirations, not only those of the opposite sex,
but ALL fellow believers Phil. 2:4 We are to SPEND
ETERNITY together!!! Do not merely look in terms
of THIS LIFE, which is so FLEETING!!!.
 
**First Disclaimer: I’m not the Owner of this Account.
**

The Owner is a denizen of the Indian Subcontient who after the events of 9/11 and such,
wanted to try and get a handle on Judaism, Christianity, and Islam and so went off to various places on the Internet like here and Ummah.org to try and learn more.
He’s an atheist……… but coming from a different culture entirely, all the recent acrimony in the past few years that dominates the Western debate/dialogue just looked…odd…to him.

He’s also a friend of mine who taught me Neuroscience…and I taught him as best I could about our Faith.

2nd Disclaimer: I’m a Catholic Asian from New York City……with a lot of strange friends (heck look at the account I’m using to speak with you).
I jumped onto Catholic Answers for the heck of it (suggested by some of my non-Catholic friends actually), and decided “Meh…this isn’t really for me.”

And then I saw your post……… and I knew right then and there I had to reach out.

Couldn’t register an account with the website – so I literally put out a call to all my friends if anyone had ever used it before……and lo and behold… it had to be an atheist friend (God has a wicked sense of humor doesn’t he? :P).

So why am I here? To talk directly to you – to say: I’ve been where you are.

Short Answer to your Problems: CompSciGuy, Memaw, and StFrancis are Spot On.

Long Answer: I literally dropped my coffee and bialy when I read your post:

Because you may as well have been me! I mean…Everyhting…literally…EVERYTHING.
These things work quite well most of the time, but I still long for a partner. The more I try, the harder it gets. Anxiety and mild depression (non-suicidal!) soon follow. I love the idea of marriage, having a wife, someone to become one flesh with. Share my passion, my strengths, my weaknesses, and together walk with God and bear children. It’s beautiful. I see it on people all around me; it’s a value held very highly in my family and culture. I have 4 siblings who are all happily married.
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I bet you also want her to inspire you to be a better person and vice versa right? You like the idea of a Connection, a Bond. Welcome to the Club buddy.
I’m 24. By the standards in my family and culture, I’m quite old.
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I’m 33….and still alone……do you know how many times people have gingerly asked me “Umm…you…wouldn’t happen to be homosexual would you?” The funny thing is, its my gay/lesbian friends who never ask me that – they almost instinctively know I’m not.

On top of this I’m the First Son Asian Male…… that puts a kind of pressure on things doesn’t it? 😉
I just keep asking; when is my time! …….
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I go on plenty of dates, but they all lead to nothing due to major differences between us. I’ve found great friendships in some women who openly expressed a liking for me, but anytime I try to form a closer bond, it goes wrong.
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I am sure God can see how much it’s killing me.
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Story of my life.

Best way to describe me – I’m the Prodigal Son’s Older Brother.

Many of my friends went off to live in Brooklyn/Williamsburg/Hipster Central during their 20s (or my younger friends who are in their 20s)…and lived the life I always wanted. Significant Other – Check. Well-paying Job – Check. Carousing through the evening lights of New York underneath the neon glow.

Me – I was working. I was at home with my parents because, someone’s got to look out for them. I have some medical issues too, bad genetics.

And I was feeling quite alone. All my friends were walking off like Noah’s Animals and I felt like some oddity. Heck, even the non-social butterflies, like the Owner of this Account, the Atheist, he got hooked up with via the Matchmaking Indian Network. My Jewish friends? JDate or the yenta (not sure if that’s how its spelled).

So I thought my standards were too bizzare – “Maybe I should just try adopting what everyone else wants.”

So I tried dating the dependable, solid, German-Irish Homemaker…but we felt nothing. We were bored.

So I tried dating the aggressive, businessminded, drop dead gorgeous French-Creole/Carribbean Silicon Valley Exec (who knew Latin Mass!!!), but our value systems clashed.

So I tried dating the hard nosed practical Ukranian Jewish Doctor who was the Ultimate Dance Party Girl……….and while every Ashkanazi Jewish friend (especially all my women friends) were raising the Alarm Bells along with all the Russian guys I call friends…………I went on my merry way thinking, “If I just adapt myself a little more, maybe this can wo…”

…… She unceremoniously dumped me for a Ukranian Jewish Doctor guy who - frankly, has bigger muscles, is a millionaire (literally), and was being actively courted by a lot of people within her own community. She more or less “won” (can we say social status upgrade)

That……almost broke me.

I remember weeping as it was thundering out side and the rain pouring and the winds lashing my quiet tiny apartment in Jersey. I remember staring up at a picture of the Sacred Heart of Jesus and Padre Pio and kind of saying something like:
“If you don’t help me through this……… you are going to lose me. I’ve tried – I’ve tried looking for what I’ve wanted to no avail… Tried being somebody I’m not (3 examples above)…to no avail.

I’m tired …so very very tired. I could careless if I just dropped dead right now. Cause I’m all out of hope.”
And as if on dramatic cue – the electricity gave out.
 
Flashforward to the Present

I’m a lot happier now – because I figured out something.

The more you want it – the more it isn’t going to happen.

The Error I made was thinking that a Relationship is the Be all and End All of Things.
The best relationships amongst my friends (be they 20 years older or 10 years younger than me) didn’t come from a place of Comfort.

It came from or started with a sense of Respect and Mutual Admiration. What provokes that in people are different things.

Your goal is simple – Do you believe your time will come? Ok.

Then are you doing everything in your power to be a better version of yourself?

Notice my words a “Better Version” of Yourself. Not a Different Person. But are you trying to be the most Ideal version of yourself you can possibly be?

You want someone to Love you, Then be Somebody Worthy of Being Loved.

God isn’t holding anything from you Doimy. He’s preventing you from making mistakes. He’s giving you time to get your head on straight and to sort out who you are and what you want to do…to do for Him.

And when all that falls in place, you won’t have to go searching for too long. He’ll SHOVE it in front of you (because God is such a wicked matchmaker eh?)

That Night, when I Just gave Up. – A few months later a lot of things started to go my way. Financial, Health Wise, Family Wise, etc.

Like Literally – Everything is Going my Way…. Except for that One Thing.

I’m wise enough to know now – I’m still “in the oven” so to speak.

Will see what happens after I finish medical school. Yes… I’m freaking 30s and i’m Medical School… I told you he works miracles right? 😉

GodBless Doimy - Hand him the Keys to Your Life. I guarantee - he won’t disappoint.
 
Rosebud77 said:
Try giving of you. A few hours each week filling bowls at a soup kitchen will help you mightily.** Anything for others will balance you a little. Do something that wears you out physically also**. NB I used to feel utter loneliness too. Not any more. Accept where you are now else you cannot move forward. Listen to God rather than shouting your terms.
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:clapping: :clapping: :clapping:
CompSciGuy said:
It comes when it comes. Until then you need to learn how to enjoy living alone and develop. I don’t like the way you say “I’ve tried everything to compensate for my lack of a relationship.” You don’t have to compensate for anything. Being single is not a disease and having a relationship should not give you your sense of self-worth. You should already have that when you get into a relationship in the first place.
…

And that is probably why God hasn’t put you in a relationship now. If you feel that you cannot be happy or content without a relationship, then you are not ready for one.

…

You are not ready for a relationship yet. When you are, that is, when you learn to be content on your own, I would recommend a Catholic young adult group, bible study, or other type of ministry through one of your local parishes to find someone who shares your values and go on from there. But don’t do it until you’re ready. Otherwise your relationship will just end badly again.
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👍

SAVINGRACE;12928496]
Have you met Kateri92, she is 23 and looking for a life partner? She has a thread on why she hasn’t found someone. 😛 Sorry can’t help myself, I’m the worst matchmaker in the parish/diocese/town/state & country… 0/3 attempts.
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😃
You are way too young to be concerned about not finding a wife. I know some cultural influence is bearing down on you but please realise that, most men don’t marry until 30something. Find a hobby, volunteer at Church/community groups, do a course etc. Many people find partners that way or online at a Catholic dating site. 🙂
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👍
 
btw/fwiw: I was 32 y/o when I met my wife; and I know a friend who’s 48 y/o, single, and just recently (6 months) been dating a gal whom we all think he’s finally going to marry.

Patience kid…
 
TheAtheist said:
Flashforward to the Present

I’m a lot happier now – because I figured out something.

The more you want it – the more it isn’t going to happen.

The Error I made was thinking that a Relationship is the Be all and End All of Things.
The best relationships amongst my friends (be they 20 years older or 10 years younger than me) didn’t come from a place of Comfort.

It came from or started with a sense of Respect and Mutual Admiration. What provokes that in people are different things.

Your goal is simple – Do you believe your time will come? Ok.

Then are you doing everything in your power to be a better version of yourself?

Notice my words a “Better Version” of Yourself. Not a Different Person. But are you trying to be the most Ideal version of yourself you can possibly be?

You want someone to Love you, Then be Somebody Worthy of Being Loved.

God isn’t holding anything from you Doimy. He’s preventing you from making mistakes. He’s giving you time to get your head on straight and to sort out who you are and what you want to do…to do for Him.

And when all that falls in place, you won’t have to go searching for too long. He’ll SHOVE it in front of you (because God is such a wicked matchmaker eh?)

That Night, when I Just gave Up. – A few months later a lot of things started to go my way. Financial, Health Wise, Family Wise, etc.

Like Literally – Everything is Going my Way…. Except for that One Thing.

I’m wise enough to know now – I’m still “in the oven” so to speak.

Will see what happens after I finish medical school. Yes… I’m freaking 30s and i’m Medical School… I told you he works miracles right? 😉

GodBless Doimy - Hand him the Keys to Your Life. I guarantee - he won’t disappoint.
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:clapping::clapping: - great advice. Your whole story was inspiring. Yes so true… when I wasn’t looking and focussing on being a better version of myself, God dropped my husband in my lap.
 
TheAtheist said:
Flashforward to the Present

I’m a lot happier now – because I figured out something.

The more you want it – the more it isn’t going to happen.

The Error I made was thinking that a Relationship is the Be all and End All of Things.
The best relationships amongst my friends (be they 20 years older or 10 years younger than me) didn’t come from a place of Comfort.

It came from or started with a sense of Respect and Mutual Admiration. What provokes that in people are different things.

Your goal is simple – Do you believe your time will come? Ok.

Then are you doing everything in your power to be a better version of yourself?

Notice my words a “Better Version” of Yourself. Not a Different Person. But are you trying to be the most Ideal version of yourself you can possibly be?

You want someone to Love you, Then be Somebody Worthy of Being Loved.

God isn’t holding anything from you Doimy. He’s preventing you from making mistakes. He’s giving you time to get your head on straight and to sort out who you are and what you want to do…to do for Him.

And when all that falls in place, you won’t have to go searching for too long. He’ll SHOVE it in front of you (because God is such a wicked matchmaker eh?)

That Night, when I Just gave Up. – A few months later a lot of things started to go my way. Financial, Health Wise, Family Wise, etc.

Like Literally – Everything is Going my Way…. Except for that One Thing.

I’m wise enough to know now – I’m still “in the oven” so to speak.

Will see what happens after I finish medical school. Yes… I’m freaking 30s and i’m Medical School… I told you he works miracles right? 😉

GodBless Doimy - Hand him the Keys to Your Life. I guarantee - he won’t disappoint.
Click to expand...
:clapping::clapping::clapping: Excellent post, guest poster man.
 
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