School bullying

[whatevergirl]

Much of this situation I blame on myself. For many years, my son was disruptive in class and emotional due to undiagnosed ADHD. I had my concerns and discussed this with his counselors and teachers, but was told repetively that he was simply “immature.” Finally, his 5th grade teacher thought he might be bipolar. We acquired a new pediatrician and psychologist who identified him as ADHD inattentive-type. Now that he is controlled, he is a great kid! No more emotional outbursts. The problem is, he has been labelled by his peers. It is extremely hard to overcome this. He has to eat alone at lunch because others don’t want to be labelled. They spit on him and his homework. They laugh and snicker when he walks by. And of couse, it has esclated to assaulting him in the public locker area. I am afraid if we do nothing, he will do anything to conform including joining the wrong clique. He is a good kid. He wants to work in missions after completing college (I know this will probably change) but he has his head on straight. I can see the early signs of depression setting in, though. As a parent, I need to intervene now, but I cannot harm my family in the process. At this point I am not interested in whether the bullies win or lose. My concern is my son and family only. Let them win. We would win, also. I have forced him to try to deal with this for the past 7 years. I think we are going to break down and ask for help from grandparents. We can afford most of the annual tuition. If we obtain a loan from them, we can work it off as a family.

Bullying is a tough subject. In the private school, there will be only 14 others in his class. I am not as worried about him in this environment. Thank you to all who have replied. I think an interesting thread would be how do we as Christians deal with bullying? I have read all the government sponsored literature (doesn’t work). I know other parents here are going through the same issue.

Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry!!! I am getting sick to my stomach, reading how these bullies are treating your son. I can understand he had some issues, but that doesn’t give them the right to harm him like this…ugh.

There really are no ‘winners’ when it comes to bullying. While the bullies might be getting something out of bullying your son, they are really insecure, and emotionally depraved themselves. Bullies who seek to harm others, are usually hurting themselves. I feel very sad for any child, young or in high school, who has not learned that bullying is wrong. I also agree that it’s not about them anymore…it is about protecting your son. I think you’re right to pull him out.

I still would sue these parents, maybe not the school, but the parents civilly. They will continue to hurt others, and as they increase in size over the years, they might really hurt someone. I think justice needs to be done. I understand your concerns, but physical assault (jumping and attacking your son in the locker room) is a crime. If you or I were to assault a stranger say at a restaurant, we’d be arrested. I’m tired of bullying being treated like ‘no big deal.’ It’s a huge deal…obviously, or you wouldn’t be pulling your child out of that school. This really infuriates me!

Not saying right now…take care of what you need to, but I would definitely sue the parents …they should be woken up to the fact that their kids are behaving horribly, and frankly, thank you, because who knows where these kids will end up, if they continue along this path of bullying and abuse.

Just my two cents. Prayers are with you and your family!!

 

[Ruthie]

Yes, take him out. Yes, yes, yes.

I wish my mother had done that for me.

I, too, react to your son’s school’s actions with “Sue them!”

The very idea that a kid who struck out in self-defense should be punished is stupid, stupid, stupid. (And, in my not-so-humble opinion, un-American.) The administrators, and whoever wrote the zero-tolerance rules, are the ones who should be punished.

Perhaps, if you can’t sue, you could report it to the higher-ups at the state level? You could phrase it as a question, such as, “Does zero-tolerance for violence apply to a kid who is defending himself against more than one attacker?” I hope you have a copy of that surveillance tape.

With great sympathy, and prayer,

Ruthie

 

[Eliza10]

I think taking him out of that school is essential. The kids have labeled him, the administration is not working with your or in his favor. He needs his self-esteem back. What Dempsey said about learning how to stand up for himself is important too. But getting him out of the current situation seems best from what you’ve shared.

The Anabaptist school sounds like a great alternative but he will also likely at some point be subject to anti-Catholicism. Also you have to go into debt for it. Still its better than the public schooling in your situation and you could prepare him to defend himself theologically.

But I agree with what OutinCHburbs said about homeschooling being a great option. Its a great way to get to know your son better and improve your relationship with him and boost his self-confidence and self-identity. I suggest you meet with area homeschooling families through what local homeschooling groups there are around you, and also get on a computer forum for homeschoolers. You’ll get lots of ideas on how to do it.

I also think you may find someoone locally who would be happy to add your child to their family homeschooling hours for a day or two or more a week, for pay (probably they won’t ask a great lot) and for fellowship for their own children. So while your child may spend a day or two alone a week, between that and working with your schedule and your husbands, you can minimize the amount of days he would be home alone all day. Also he can do some kind of service work, perhaps helping at a local farm, if farming is his interest, i.e., another day of the week. There are endless possibilities!

 

[Salonika]

Dear tamarnp

I feel so much for your son, you and your husband. Bullying is a horrible experience for anyone but particularly children because they must largely rely on adults to solve the situation. Their situation is even worse when people who should be protecting them, eg school authorities and staff, do not protect them. And for the adults there is often the feeling of beating their head against a brick wall.

Dempsey1919:

If you take your son out of the school, the bullys have won. They have made your son leave his school and will probably begin bullying another kid once your son leaves. They must not be allowed to get away with this.

The idealist in me nods in agreement but the realist and the person who thinks of the cost there could be to tamarnp’s son if this course is followed, unless the school changes its attitude, shakes her head and says take your son out.

Think we need to be realistic about a situation and our ability to change it or get others to change it. We cannot do the impossible.

Dempsey1919:

Bullys are a fact of life, and your son must learn how to deal with them. … Your son needs to learn that you cannot run away from problems. You need to face your problems head on, and overcome them.

Recognising that you cannot solve some problems is also a valuable lesson. So is recognising our limits. A child (and an adult) needs to know that there is no shame in leaving a situation they have tried as hard as they can to resolve.

Dempsey1919:

The bullys are nothing but cowards, and I guarantee that they will back off the moment your son decides to take a stand and defend himself. He must fight fire with fire. Send your son to the local boxing gym. He will learn how to fight properly and will be able to nip this thing in the bud.

I understand you recommending this but it could backfire eg tamarnp’s son is the one injured or treated as the perpetrator (which has already happened). Also there is the danger that the bullies see this as vindicating what they are doing and/or an escalation of the situation.

 

[puzzleannie]

I ? I am torn in this situation. What should I do? Does anyone have any advise?

if this had been going on a year and a half I would have brought in a lawyer to deal with the school 6 months ago

 

[Salonika]

I think an interesting thread would be how do we as Christians deal with bullying?

I agree this could be a very interesting thread. Maybe one of us could think up a suitable starter and set it off.

When I was writing my previous reply on this thread I was wondering if the way some of the Jesus’ parables are portrayed has implications for how some Christian’s think they should react to bullying eg ignoring or accepting it.

An example “You have heard that it was said, “An eye for an eye, and tooth for a tooth”. But now I tell you: do not take revenge on someone who wrongs you. If someone slaps you on the right cheek, let him slap you on the right cheek, too… And if one of the occupation troops forces you to carry his pack one mile, carry it two miles.” (Matthew 5)

 

[chevalier]

Perhaps, if you can’t sue, you could report it to the higher-ups at the state level? You could phrase it as a question, such as, “Does zero-tolerance for violence apply to a kid who is defending himself against more than one attacker?” I hope you have a copy of that surveillance tape.

I remember times from my youth when the hitter-back was worse than the original hitter. The original assailant was made to be just a kid being a kid. He was getting away because it that was his nature or some kind of such silly garbage. The one striking back now was the person who was vindictive, wouldn’t concede an inch, heated the conflict and so on.

This is why people who are not lawyers should not be judging. Teachers are mostly not qualified to judge pupils or adjudicate disputes between them. Any lawyer knows that there can be no obligation to do the impossible and that you can’t be expected to submit to a beating or other highly invasive attacks on your person. And if you can’t defend otherwise, you are entitled to any means that will ensure your safety, short of totally extreme ideas like shooting a bullet to avoid a single punch. And yes, as much as I know about you, folks, depriving someone of the right to defend himself would be very un-American. You have the right to bear arms in your constitution, come on! And illegal, as far I can find my way in American tort law, myself being a civil lawyer from Europe.

 

[tamarnp]

Just an update.

I met with the superintendent and principal from the small Christian School. I was very impressed. The student to teacher ratio is 7:1. They have a band, academic team, choir, athletics including soccer, football, basketball (though my son is not athletic), newspaper, basically all the electives he has now, only in a smaller setting. My husband and I are going to talk about it, but I think I have come up with a way to afford this on a monthly level without have to work too much extra. Some extra work may even be done at home on Saturdays before anyone else gets up. It is something my husband can help with, also. My family is also willing to help with transportation to and from the school. They are willing to admit him mid-term due to the bullying problems. I think we are opting for this solution.

Thanks for everyone’s thoughts and prayers.

 

[kage_ar]

Are you certain that the bullying will not take on another form in this baptist school?

Will your child be told he is a sinner and that he needs to get saved?

Will he be told he worships Mary and for that will go to hell?

Please, be careful, your son’s precious Faith is important.

 

[tamarnp]

Are you certain that the bullying will not take on another form in this baptist school?

Will your child be told he is a sinner and that he needs to get saved?

Will he be told he worships Mary and for that will go to hell?

Please, be careful, your son’s precious Faith is important.

The school is actually non-denominational. Also, he loves educating people about the Catholic faith. The only requirement is that he be a Christian. This was addressed at our meeting yesterday.

Thank you for your response.

 

[kage_ar]

As a convert who knows how non-denom schools work, please make sure your child is well versed in Scriptural Apologetics. That he knows the books of the Bible and how to look them up. If he does not know how to defend his Faith from Scripture, they will have a field day with him.

Friendly Defenders cards would be a good purchase

friendlydefenders.com/other.htm

 

[Brenda_V]

As a convert who knows how non-denom schools work, please make sure your child is well versed in Scriptural Apologetics. That he knows the books of the Bible and how to look them up. If he does not know how to defend his Faith from Scripture, they will have a field day with him.

Friendly Defenders cards would be a good purchase

friendlydefenders.com/other.htm

Great and fun way to learn more about the Faith, not just for those who have reason to go to a non-denom. school.

Prayers for success for your son in his new school.

 

[tamarnp]

As a convert who knows how non-denom schools work, please make sure your child is well versed in Scriptural Apologetics. That he knows the books of the Bible and how to look them up. If he does not know how to defend his Faith from Scripture, they will have a field day with him.

Friendly Defenders cards would be a good purchase

friendlydefenders.com/other.htm

Thank you so much for the website. That will be a great stocking stuffer! I like the ideas it provides regarding games, also! He will love this as he enjoys spreading our faith. At the public school, he was frequently told he was not Christian, that he worshipped Mary, and idolized statues. He handles that pretty well, and actually was able to initiate some pretty interesting conversations with others. Gotta love our RE teachers!!!