Screwed up, now what?

[bluehen95]

I made a mistake. I pursued a legitimate friendship outside of my marriage in a wholly irresponsible way, at the exclusion and expense of my wife, when it was not even necessary to approach it that way. Now I’ve messed up two relationships. I’ve confessed this, I’ve been straight up with both my wife and the other person. They’ve handled it in different ways, it’s okay, but it’s completely different and it didn’t have to be. The biggest thing I need to get over is the fact that I let this happen, acting dishonorably and without regard for either party. I’ve acknowledged it, but how do I move forward? I can and will learn from this, but I’m having a lot of trouble letting go to what I have put in disrepair.

 

[The_Bucket]

Fire the nanny, give her a nice severance and get counseling with your wife. I think that was the conclusion last time around.

 

[EasterJoy]

Start doing things differently. Focus on ways to do better next time, rather than thinking about how badly you did last time. Make your wife your focus; put energy into your relationship with her. Put boundaries on your legitimate relationships…what you will say, what situations you will allow yourself into, and so on. In other words, don’t just resolve to do something differently, but give yourself concrete steps to make in that direction. That way, you’ll feel less as if you’re just “hoping” to not repeat your mistakes.

 

[maryjk]

Fire the nanny, give her a nice severance and get counseling with your wife. I think that was the conclusion last time around.

Sounded like a good plan when it was mentioned before. Still sounds like a good plan.

 

[Tighty_Whitey]

I made a mistake. I pursued a legitimate friendship outside of my marriage in a wholly irresponsible way, at the exclusion and expense of my wife, when it was not even necessary to approach it that way. Now I’ve messed up two relationships. I’ve confessed this, I’ve been straight up with both my wife and the other person. They’ve handled it in different ways, it’s okay, but it’s completely different and it didn’t have to be. The biggest thing I need to get over is the fact that I let this happen, acting dishonorably and without regard for either party. I’ve acknowledged it, but how do I move forward? I can and will learn from this, but I’m having a lot of trouble letting go to what I have put in disrepair.

Bluehen95, I’m thinking of a river in Africa, maybe you can help me remember its name? Right! Now I’ve got it having read your post! DENIAL!!! Yeah that’s it!

Dude you are in such denial no wonder you are still in chaos about this! I just love that part where you said, " I pursued a legitimate friendship outside of my marriage in a wholly irresponsible way…" Classic denial! As long as you don’t take ownership of this situation you will never recover from it.

Why not try this on for size. “As a married man I know that it is my responsibility to love my wife as Jesus’ loves the church. I ignored this responsibility and hurt the person that I vowed to love till death do us part.”

Possibly and/or likely you didn’t know what you’re duty was to your wife. This and other important lessons now need to be learned by you so that this and other mistakes will not be repeated. Btw, as far as the “friend”, move on completely and endeavor to make your marriage an example of Christ’s love.

 

[bluehen95]

Well, yes, there is a previous thread about this, and you are right about the advice before. No, it did not happen. No, it will not happen. I have suggested that. It is not my decision.

Why do I say “legitimate” when earlier I said I had “feelings”? This all happened so quickly, you could have asked me on any given day what I thought, and I would have told you a different thing. It is very hard to figure out exactly how someone fits in your life when you value who they are as a person, you see them every day, you employ them, and you are married. I went through the entire range of emotions, trust me. When “overstepping” was recognized, it was addressed. What kills me is that I did not have to do anything the way I did it, and I wouldn’t have hurt a whole bunch of people.

The only thing that can change here is my behavior, but not just that, my way of thinking as well. Going to confession was huge for me because I really did think about what was happening, and to start to look at myself. Last week’s reading from Hebrews and the gospel were also significant. When you start looking in the mirror, you don’t always like what you find. I can fix that, and I know I have a lot of help. What I am struggling with is overcoming guilt and self-loathing for messing this all up so badly. I guess it is as said above, accept, move on, be a better person. So that’s the mission.

Returning to church has, by the way, been the best thing to happen to me in recent memory, if there is a silver lining anywhere.

 

[EasterJoy]

What I mean by boundaries is that you do not touch women other than your wife, you don’t talk to other women without someone else present, you do not phone or text other women except as practical necessity requires, you do not say or write things to women that you would not have said or written to a religious sister–all sexual innuendo of every kind is out of bounds–and you don’t have any friendships with women except when your wife is included (meaning you are friends with women as part of a couple). This is the kind of thing that married Protestant ministers very often do in order to not have to deal with the kind of thing you are going through.

The silver lining besides your return to the sacraments is that your wife is willing to forgive you. The priest has absolved you. Provided that you go out of your way to act appropriately from now on, the only person not letting go of this will be you. (Anyone else who is not letting go of it can fly a kite.) You may be able to help yourself by using this as an occasion to develop mercy for someone else. Pray and do penance for men who are tempted to cheat on their wives. Put boundaries on yourself and accept them as recognition that you have exhibited a weakness, but at this point look at it as a weakness such as bad eyesight or a trick knee. The weakness isn’t a sin. Knowing the weakness is there and arrogantly trying to ignore it is the sin. Wanting to think you are better than other people who are just like you is the sin.

Read the story of the tax collector and the Pharisee. If you are contrite and want to amend, if you are grateful for the mercy offered to you, if you are humble about how much strength you have apart from God’s strength and grace, God is pleased. Focus on that.

 

[Apagano]

Let me get this straight. You have “feelings” for your Nanny and your wife won’t fire her??? That is incredibly silly of her. You need to have no contact with this other woman. How are you suppose to heal/ get over her…if she is in your home every day??? I would talk with your wife again, the nanny should go.

 

[nodito]

You haven’t given us any new information from your previous thread, so my advice still stands: Get rid of the nanny. Really. Just do it and be done with it and then you will be able to move on. You don’t need a friendship with a female who you are attracted to and who is not your wife.

 

[cradlecatholic5]

What I mean by boundaries is that you do not touch women other than your wife, you don’t talk to other women without someone else present, you do not phone or text other women except as practical necessity requires, you do not say or write things to women that you would not have said or written to a religious sister–all sexual innuendo of every kind is out of bounds–and you don’t have any friendships with women except when your wife is included (meaning you are friends with women as part of a couple). This is the kind of thing that married Protestant ministers very often do in order to not have to deal with the kind of thing you are going through.

Bluehen95, you are a lucky man to have such a forgiving wife. Remember, as spouses, we are gifts from God to on another, time to treat her that way.

 

[EasterJoy]

You haven’t given us any new information from your previous thread, so my advice still stands: Get rid of the nanny. Really. Just do it and be done with it and then you will be able to move on. You don’t need a friendship with a female who you are attracted to and who is not your wife.

I think he’s saying that his wife is telling him to suck it up without losing the nanny. Either that, or they’ve given her a contract that they can’t afford to get out of…whichever, getting rid of the nanny is not going to happen.

In that case, he’s going to have to treat her like an employee, and an employee working at an establishment with the most strict anti-sexual-harassment policies in Christendom. If he looks at it that way–that is, that it will be him and not her whose “job” is on the line if he can’t follow the rules–then that might give him the picture. At least he lives in an era where that is no more than how all men are expected to treat women who are on the clock!

 

[The_Bucket]

What I mean by boundaries is that you do not touch women other than your wife, you don’t talk to other women without someone else present, you do not phone or text other women except as practical necessity requires, you do not say or write things to women that you would not have said or written to a religious sister–all sexual innuendo of every kind is out of bounds–and you don’t have any friendships with women except when your wife is included (meaning you are friends with women as part of a couple). This is the kind of thing that married Protestant ministers very often do in order to not have to deal with the kind of thing you are going through.

The silver lining besides your return to the sacraments is that your wife is willing to forgive you. The priest has absolved you. Provided that you go out of your way to act appropriately from now on, the only person not letting go of this will be you. (Anyone else who is not letting go of it can fly a kite.) You may be able to help yourself by using this as an occasion to develop mercy for someone else. Pray and do penance for men who are tempted to cheat on their wives. Put boundaries on yourself and accept them as recognition that you have exhibited a weakness, but at this point look at it as a weakness such as bad eyesight or a trick knee. The weakness isn’t a sin. Knowing the weakness is there and arrogantly trying to ignore it is the sin. Wanting to think you are better than other people who are just like you is the sin.

Read the story of the tax collector and the Pharisee. If you are contrite and want to amend, if you are grateful for the mercy offered to you, if you are humble about how much strength you have apart from God’s strength and grace, God is pleased. Focus on that.

This and the follow-up post you wrote EJ are excellent pieces of advice. But I have to agree that if the OP’s wife is the one refusing to dismiss the nanny, that’s ludicrous. I can understand the whole “it’s not her fault you’re a creep” thing, but there are plenty of ways to ensure that she’s financially whole and he’s away from a near occasion of sin.

Good luck and godspeed because I have a hard time envisioning a good outcome here without a ton of intervention by the Holy Spirit.