Generally, I have found my place by seeing if I’m happy. If I’m in a job and miserable, I think, “This job is not for me”. I keep looking till I find where I’m happy.
I don’t know if it’s God’s will for you to go through your life feeling miserable. Well, I think we can better help others, and ourselves, when we are happy in whatever it is that we are doing and with whom we’re with.
I’m not saying the mentality that. “if it feels good, do it”. That’s not at all what I mean.
I’m just saying I’m not hearing where you feel happy with the idea of celibacy or religious life. I’m getting more or less the opposite impression from reading your post.
I had a time where I had really thought maybe I should go into religious life. I had also had a dream and took that to confirm it. So, for a couple of years, I lived more or less like a nun. I did the Divine Office a couple times a day, daily mass, etc., etc., etc.
However, during this time, was I happy? No. In fact, it was so evident that people around me could see I wasn’t happy with this, and they kept telling me to smile!
I tried tutoring literacy. Now, for years and years, I had been quite happy volunteering in literacy. However, when I tried it, it just would not go well here of late.
Finally, I stumbled across this blind school. I have a disability myself, not blindness, but something else. For most of my life, I’ve found a lot of rejection, both in Mexico and the US.
Anyway, at this school, for one of the very few times ever, I felt accepted, belonging, happy there. In fact, I’m starting to make new friends, have a whole new life. In fact, I’m even looking at this whole idea of celibacy, questioning that very seriously.
I notice a difference even in my e-mails and such just in the short time I’ve started volunteering there. Also, the people there are motivated, welcome me with open arms, except for an occasional teen, say, and I know it’s nothing personal, just a teen thing.
Anyway, based on your post, brief as it is, I’m not hearing anything that would tell me that you are cut out for celibacy. You’re not saying anything like…“Oh, I am so happy in this. I want to do this. I LOVE this.” There’s none of that. Zero.
So, unless there’s something else, I am currently coming away with the strong impression that you probably wouldn’t be happy as a celibate religious.
Further, look at what your feelings are telling you, on top of all that. You are feeling envious of people who are married. Now, I imagine even celibate religious feel occasional envy, but what if that’s just another sign that you aren’t cut out for religious life?
There are many lay people who have also made huge contributions to the world.
Do what you LOVE? Do what makes you happy (not in any kind of sinful way, of course). Be brutally honest with yourself.
That’s what I’ve started doing. I’ve started to level with myself. I finally admitted to myself that I LOVE men, always have, even from very little. So, I’ve decided to know myself, be who I am, not something, or someone, I’m not.
Oh yeah, and I even tried, briefly, to deliberately live in poverty. I rented a room, twice, here. First time, was awful. I didn’t last a month. I couldn’t withstand living like that, under someone who treated me like a small child.
Second place, seemed to have prostitution and drugs. Likewise, I didn’t last a month. All I did, both places, was complain and moan the entire brief time.
Third place, I lived in a nice place, almost double the price, and I’ve actually been very happy here. It’s almost wheelchair accessible. The owner will work with me to make it completely accessible.
No complaining. No moaning. I’m happy. The owner is positively thrilled, told me he wants me to stay on, is happy with me.
“Know thyself”.
