Scrupulosity, religious OCD or something else?

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uglygal

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I feel constantly torn.
I feel like I can’t stop believing in Jesus even when I want to more than anything.
I feel anxious about missing Church. Even when I left the church and didn’t want to believe in Jesus I kept going to church every sunday because of fear that something bad would happen.

I am always confused. I don’t know what I believe.
I often have very anger-filled and bitter thoughts towards Jesus. I often call him very not nice names. I don’t know whether I do this because I want to or whether I can’t control it. I don’t know anymore!

Am I going to hell? I think I must want to hate Jesus even though it causes me so much anxiety … I feel tormented all the time!!
I am scared I might be possessed by a demon.

is this religious OCD? 😦

Grateful for any help
 
Why are you angry? Why do you not want to believe? Why are you anxious?
 
There probably is an evil spirit influencing you, judging from your thoughts and words directed at Jesus. I don’t know if you’re possessed, but you probably are being influenced and spiritually attacked.

Schedule a meeting with a priest and tell him about this. Ask for his advice and for a blessing.

Pray to the Holy Mother of God, the Immaculate Virgin Mary who treads on the head of the serpent, that she might save you from the enemy through the power of God and help you to come to know her Son better.

The Hail Mary is a great prayer for this, especially since the middle line of it is, “blessed art thou amongst women and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus,” which directly contradicts the bad words about Jesus that you’ve spoken and consequently might help you directly if you persist in this prayer.
 
I don’t want to believe because I want to be FREE
Free from worrying about sin, worrying about saving everyone else’s soul, worrying about whether the catholic church is the true church, whether god is really a trinity, whether the novo ordo is legitimate, whether I confessed properly, whether God hears my novenas.
I want to be FREE from this. From the anxiety and suffocation this brings.
I want to be FREE to have relationships with people without fearing I am being sinful.

Honestly, deep down I want to be pagan to just be FREE.

I feel angry because I have always been miserable and lonely as a believer in christ and I don’t want to be miserable and lonely anymore.
I want to LIVE, but there is no life with Jesus.
I know the saying that he came to give us life to the full, and he is the way the truth and the life, but since truly turning my heart and soul to Jesus I have been drowning in misery, depression and fear/anxiety.

Now I’m too scared to stop believing in him because I will be sent to hell.
I feel very trapped. :crying::(:crying:
 
I don’t want to believe because I want to be FREE
Jesus is freedom: “So Jesus said to the Jews who had believed in him, ‘If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples, and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free… Truly, truly, I say to you, everyone who commits sin is a slave to sin… if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.’”
Free from worrying about sin, worrying about saving everyone else’s soul, worrying about whether the catholic church is the true church, whether god is really a trinity, whether the novo ordo is legitimate, whether I confessed properly, whether God hears my novenas.
You should care about matters of truth, but you should not worry about anything. Worry is a distraction.

Jesus says: “Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me… I am the way, and the truth, and the life… Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.” He says: “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”
I want to be FREE from this. From the anxiety and suffocation… without fearing
“God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him. By this is love perfected with us, so that we may have confidence for the day of judgment, because as he is so also are we in this world. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear… We love because he first loved us.”
I want to LIVE, but there is no life with Jesus.
I know the saying that he came to give us life to the full, and he is the way the truth and the life, but since truly turning my heart and soul to Jesus I have been drowning in misery, depression and fear/anxiety.
Misery, depression, and anxiety are not from Jesus. I strongly recommend seeking a good spiritual director and also asking him to recommend a good mental health professional.
 
I don’t want to believe because I want to be FREE
If you pray to the Mother of God that she help you to get to know her Son better, I believe she will show you that He is Freedom itself.
Free from worrying about sin,
You don’t need to worry about sin. Jesus paid the price for your soul through His Passion, His suffering on the Cross, so you are saved from your sins and Confession makes that perfect freedom directly real in your life.
worrying about saving everyone else’s soul
You don’t need to “worry” about other people’s souls. It’s about love. As you come to love more you come to want what’s best for people more, and if you love God and know Him well in the Catholic Church, you come to want other people to share in that love because it’s best for them.

If you don’t feel that way, don’t worry about them; simply pray to love God more and know His love for you more, especially Jesus’ love. You have the wrong idea of Jesus, but if you get to know His love better in a personal way, this will help you. His Mother can help you in this.
worrying about whether the catholic church is the true church, whether god is really a trinity, whether the novo ordo is legitimate,
I advise you to put these matters to the side for the moment – just for the moment – and focus on love. On God’s love for you and on developing yours for Him. The Psalms is probably a good place to start in this, especially if you pray them, for they are wonderful prayers.
whether I confessed properly,
Try not to worry about this. I know that advice sounds lame, but if you’re sincerely sorry for your sins – and you don’t have to be an emotional basket case in the confessional in order to really be sorry – you’ll be fine, for Jesus forgives you.
whether God hears my novenas.
If He made the smallest atoms, surely He’s powerful enough to hear a Novena, don’t you think?
I want to be FREE from this. From the anxiety and suffocation this brings.
I think that Jesus will free you from all of this, for as I said, He is the Freedom you so long for. All the Freedom you hunger for is in Him.

Have you ever read the Gospels? If you haven’t, I really recommend that you read them. If you read them prayerfully, I think you’ll find that Jesus is not what you think.

“Luke 4:14-21 said:
14Jesus returned to Galilee in the power of the Spirit, and news about him spread through the whole countryside. 15He taught in their synagogues, and everyone praised him.
16He went to Nazareth, where he had been brought up, and on the Sabbath day he went into the synagogue, as was his custom. And he stood up to read. 17The scroll of the prophet Isaiah was handed to him. Unrolling it, he found the place where it is written:
18"The Spirit of the Lord is on me,
because he has anointed me
to preach good news to the poor.
He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners
and recovery of sight for the blind,
to release the oppressed,
19to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor.
”[a]

20Then he rolled up the scroll, gave it back to the attendant and sat down. The eyes of everyone in the synagogue were fastened on him, 21and he began by saying to them, “Today this scripture is fulfilled in your hearing.”

He came to Earth to free you. Pray to Him and ask Him to, I encourage you, and ask His Mother to help you know Him better. That would be an act of faith, faith that He is better than you now feel Him to be and that all the other hundreds of millions of Christians around the world are not deceived in their deep feelings of love and freedom in Him.
I want to be FREE to have relationships with people without fearing I am being sinful.
The most loving and beautiful relationships are always developed through and in Jesus. He is what you truly want in this as well.
Honestly, deep down I want to be pagan to just be FREE.
You will find freedom when you find Jesus. Right now you do not know Him, but you have been given some awful perspectives of Him that don’t match the reality :(.
I feel angry because I have always been miserable and lonely as a believer in christ and I don’t want to be miserable and lonely anymore.
I want to LIVE, but there is no life with Jesus.
I know the saying that he came to give us life to the full, and he is the way the truth and the life, but since truly turning my heart and soul to Jesus I have been drowning in misery, depression and fear/anxiety.
In what way have you turned your heart toward Him? What have you done so far in pursuing a relationship with Him, just to clarify?
Now I’m too scared to stop believing in him because I will be sent to hell.
I feel very trapped. :crying::(:crying:
When you know Him better, you won’t be afraid of Hell because you’ll want to be with Him simply out of love, and for no other reason.
 
I don’t want to believe because I want to be FREE
Free from worrying about sin, worrying about saving everyone else’s soul, worrying about whether the catholic church is the true church, whether god is really a trinity, whether the novo ordo is legitimate, whether I confessed properly, whether God hears my novenas.
I want to be FREE from this. From the anxiety and suffocation this brings.
I want to be FREE to have relationships with people without fearing I am being sinful.

Honestly, deep down I want to be pagan to just be FREE.

I feel angry because I have always been miserable and lonely as a believer in christ and I don’t want to be miserable and lonely anymore.
I want to LIVE, but there is no life with Jesus.
I know the saying that he came to give us life to the full, and he is the way the truth and the life, but since truly turning my heart and soul to Jesus I have been drowning in misery, depression and fear/anxiety.

Now I’m too scared to stop believing in him because I will be sent to hell.
I feel very trapped. :crying::(:crying:
Oh Dear one - I see your pain continues.
This post struck me because it sounds so much like the Garden of Eden and the devils temptation of Adam and Eve. He basically told them the same thing that he is telling you. The devil told Eve that if she ate from the Tree she would, “have knowledge”, be “like God”, know “good from Evil” in other words “free”.
The devil tried the same thing with Jesus in the temptation narrative. He offered Jesus every Kingdom in the world if Jesus would bow down and worship him. In other words the devil offered to “free” Jesus.

He is trying to tell you the same thing - That if you renounce Jesus, if you “become pagan” you will be “Free”. But will you truly be free? Will renouncing Jesus make Jesus not real? Will renouncing “sin” make sin not real?

I truly don’t know what advise I can give you. I know that you have been struggling with these things for some time and my heart aches for you. I think that it is probably best for you to talk to a priest about getting a good qualified Spiritual director/councelor who understands both the spiritual aspects and also the physiological and psychological aspects of what you are dealing with.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Peace
James
 
My understanding of ‘paganism’ is simply “non-Abrahamic” - a religion is not of the God of Abraham.
It also has a simplicity to it that is appealing. It is NOT dogmatic, there is no hell and no threat of it for putting a step wrong or having the wrong belief.
It is an attraction that is all. I don’t actually believe in paganism or any pagan gods but there is an attraction to this simplicity, even if it is misguided:hypno:

Even when I come here to CAF everything is complicated.
the apologetics, the saints writings, the mystics :confused:
Then I feel guilty I don’t have a vocation to be a nu, because by being a lay person I am not as dedicated to God. 😦
No one says it out loud but its the way it is.

I am feeling better now than when I first posted.
I went to church - i didn’t want to argue with my mum - and I could see how human it was. the priest was hardly impressive 😦

Religion is people’s way to try to get to God. I think Catholicism is the same.
It has too much confusion to be from one source. In truth its from millions of sources, each with their own take, their own experiences, their own fears, trying to make their way to heaven the best way they know how.

And all this time I am anxious that I have got things wrong because the price of wrong belief is eternal hell.

I’m too confused :confused: It is late here so it’s time for sleep :sleep:
Maybe the anxiety isn’t gone. I had really hoped it was, that I could be like one of the ten lepers who were healed, or the blind man who regained his sight.

maybe tomorrow 😉

Thankyou to everyone who extended the kindness to acknowledge me in my slightly dark hour. I hope God judges you by this kindness rather than by whether you knew the theories of Aquinas inside out :blackeye:
 
My understanding of ‘paganism’ is simply “non-Abrahamic” - a religion is not of the God of Abraham.
It also has a simplicity to it that is appealing. It is NOT dogmatic, there is no hell and no threat of it for putting a step wrong or having the wrong belief.
It is an attraction that is all. I don’t actually believe in paganism or any pagan gods but there is an attraction to this simplicity, even if it is misguided:hypno:

Even when I come here to CAF everything is complicated.
the apologetics, the saints writings, the mystics :confused:
Then I feel guilty I don’t have a vocation to be a nu, because by being a lay person I am not as dedicated to God. 😦
No one says it out loud but its the way it is.
Dear one,
Thanks for checking back in an letting us know how you are doing.
I too wish for a “simple religion”. That is what Christ preached. Rmember that He told us that "All of the Law and All of the Prophets were based on just Two commandments and Both of these involved “Love”.
The complexity of the Church that so perplexes us is nothing more than the “baggage” that comes along with nearly 2000 years of teaching. Please don’t worry because you don’t understand it all. No one does - Net even the great theologens. That is why it is a “journey toward God”.
I am feeling better now than when I first posted.
I went to church - i didn’t want to argue with my mum - and I could see how human it was. the priest was hardly impressive 😦
I’m glad you are feeling better. See, even with a “hardly impressive”, priest, the mass was able to help you feel somewhat better.
Religion is people’s way to try to get to God. I think Catholicism is the same.
It has too much confusion to be from one source. In truth its from millions of sources, each with their own take, their own experiences, their own fears, trying to make their way to heaven the best way they know how.
You are right. The Church has millions of “sources” (human) and yet one source (divine). By that I mean that each person brings to the faith their own expression, their own “slant”. Some of these are grouped together into “spiritualities” like mystic or Thomastic. They are different expressions of the same source though.
And you are right. We are all trying to make it to heaven “as best we know how”.
And all this time I am anxious that I have got things wrong because the price of wrong belief is eternal hell.
Love God and do all you can to Follow Him. Love your neighbor as yourself for the Love of God and Hell will not be a problem.
I’m too confused :confused: It is late here so it’s time for sleep :sleep:
Maybe the anxiety isn’t gone. I had really hoped it was, that I could be like one of the ten lepers who were healed, or the blind man who regained his sight.
maybe tomorrow 😉
Thankyou to everyone who extended the kindness to acknowledge me in my slightly dark hour. I hope God judges you by this kindness rather than by whether you knew the theories of Aquinas inside out :blackeye:
Sleep well
 
I truly don’t know what advise I can give you. I know that you have been struggling with these things for some time and my heart aches for you. I think that it is probably best for you to talk to a priest about getting a good qualified Spiritual director/councelor who understands both the spiritual aspects and also the physiological and psychological aspects of what you are dealing with.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.
What James said are my thoughts, too. Making an appointment to talk to a priest is a good start towards finding the personal guidance you need. I will pray for you as well.
 
I’d like to help you with one part of what you said, uglygal. If you accidentally don’t believe what the Church does on some matter, that isn’t going to send you to Hell. Only if you purposely reject what the Church teaches are you at risk.
 
I’d like to help you with one part of what you said, uglygal. If you accidentally don’t believe what the Church does on some matter, that isn’t going to send you to Hell. Only if you purposely reject what the Church teaches are you at risk.
This is a good point. 👍👍

The thing to remember is that it is the effort that pleases God. He is not sitting up there just waiting for us to make a slip up so He can condemn us.

Of course this is the problem for people like UglyGal who must deal with issues like OCD, Scupulocity etc. For them it is so difficult to get past this - “Hell and damnation” mentality.

Peace
James
 
I feel constantly torn.
I feel like I can’t stop believing in Jesus even when I want to more than anything.
I feel anxious about missing Church. Even when I left the church and didn’t want to believe in Jesus I kept going to church every sunday because of fear that something bad would happen.

I am always confused. I don’t know what I believe.
I often have very anger-filled and bitter thoughts towards Jesus. I often call him very not nice names. I don’t know whether I do this because I want to or whether I can’t control it. I don’t know anymore!

Am I going to hell? I think I must want to hate Jesus even though it causes me so much anxiety … I feel tormented all the time!!
I am scared I might be possessed by a demon.

is this religious OCD? 😦

Grateful for any help
Hi,

I think it’s important to realize that some thoughts that come into our minds are not from ourselves. For example, for this past month I’ve been getting these random blasphemous thoughts out of nowhere…and I know I don’t want them, but after a month of this I got very confused and started wondering if I secretly want them and couldn’t tell what was in my will anymore. When I realized these thoughts might not be from me, I realized that I do love God and these are temptations. I then went to Confession for any time that I gave in to them.

Try to ask yourself the question… right now, do you want these thoughts? Do you think they are true? If you’re able to say to Jesus that you love Him, or to praise Him, or to see anything good in Him, - then you don’t fully believe them. If you know that you love Him, than you don’t believe these thoughts at all. I think it might help to spend some time in prayer and renounce sin and the devil and ask Jesus to be with you and help you love Him… sort of like renewing your baptism promises. That’s what I did and it helped afterwards…

Remember Jesus really loves you. He doesn’t feel anger towards you but love and mercy. Try to TRUST in His love and then it will be easier to love Him and then the enemy won’t have so much power over you.

I don’t think you’re possessed. Possession is when a demon takes over a person’s body. However, you might be oppressed, which is something many people struggle with and it’s probably a trial more than anything. Or, maybe you have OCD. Maybe it’s a combination of these things. Try to fight these thoughts through love and trust and humility, don’t fight them directly and try not to focus on them at all. People have been telling me this over and over, including priests, and I only started doing this recently and it works! Don’t give up…

try to choose right now to WANT to love Jesus. Remember love is a choice not a feeling. If you WANT to love God, even a little bit, you’re safe. That means He is in you. Since you wrote this post and since you’re worried about all this, there’s a big chance that you do want to love God 🙂 don’t listen to your feelings. Do all these thoughts distress you? Then you’re not as far from Him as you think. And try to go to Confession as well cause that helps, and repent of any times you fallen into the thoughts.

You said that it causes you anxiety to think that you want to hate Jesus… that’s actually a very good thing. If it caused you no anxiety at all, if you didn’t even care if you love Jesus or not, and actively, willingly wanted to hate Him - this would require a ‘conversion’ but still there’s hope even then.

Try to trust Him

God bless :hug1:
 
I don’t want to believe because I want to be FREE
this is definitely a lie from the enemy.

I know cause I had the same lie and almost gave into it but it caused me so much anguish and afterwards I realized there is NO freedom without God. There’s only misery… sure that person might not think about sin, but we still have a conscience that God gave us, and that conscience would bother them. Some people try to drown out this ‘little voice’ and ignore it, and eventually they can barely hear their conscience, and think that everything is alright, but really they’re in a state of spiritual death. When they die, they will realize it and they won’t be able to escape then. It’s very scary indeed and very sad. But it’s all based on a lie and we don’t have to go down this road. We can’t take the other road, which might be harder here on earth, and narrower, but will lead to eternal joy. The devil always wants us to exchange the eternal for the temporary… for some transient happiness… but do you think that’s because he cares about us at all? no it’s because he hates us and wants to destroy us. Are we going to listen to someone who hates us and wants to torture us for all eternity? Or God who died for love of us?

We can’t escape the reality of sin. Even if we forget about and ignore our conscience - it’s STILL there and always will be. It’s a reality that we can’t change. Just because a person thinks something is not a sin, doesn’t make it so. We’ll have to deal with our sins either now or after we die… and if we deal with them now, all that involves is going to Confession - which is a huge gift of God’s mercy.

You might be wondering then, - ‘why do I then feel all this anxiety about everything? about sins, and other people, and the Church, and prayers, and whether my confession was valid?’

Can I tell you from experience here… you won’t escape this anxiety by turning away from God and not thinking about sin. If you do, that anxiety will be replaced by something much much worse. And you’ll be aware of it, deep in your heart. You won’t be free at all.

You can only escape this anxiety through learning to TRUST God completely and unconditionally. That’s difficult but we do it in steps, and He helps us. Yesterday, I had a VERY difficult time trusting God… then, when I went to Mass, I basically just forced myself to trust Him (with His help and Mary’s help) and received the Eucharist. That was one of the best Communions! He encouraged me so much and HEALED me inside. I felt I could love Him again. I felt free! And before I felt so trapped and confused.

Try to trust God… I can’t emphasize this enough… trust that your confessions were valid… that He loves you and is merciful… that He will help save others you love through your prayers… that He hears all your prayers… in other words: have faith 🙂

I recommend reading this: mcpriests.com/_spanish/03_I_thirst_PrayerEN.htm

God bless you
 
From “Divine Mercy in My Soul” by St Faustina.

The Goodness of God.
The mercy of God, hidden in the Blessed Sacrament, the voice of the Lord who speaks to us from the throne of mercy: Come to Me, all of you.

Conversation of the Merciful God with a Sinful Soul.
Jesus: Be not afraid of your Savior, O sinful soul. I make the first move to come to you, for I know that by yourself you are unable to lift yourself to me. Child, do not run away from your Father; be willing to talk openly with Your God of mercy who wants to speak words of pardon and lavish his graces on you. How dear your soul is to Me! I have inscribed your name upon My hand; you are engraved as a deep wound in My Heart.

Soul: Lord I hear Your voice calling me to turn back from the path of sin, but I have neither the strength nor the courage to do so.

Jesus: I am your strength, I will help you in the struggle.

Soul: Lord I recognize Your holiness and I fear You.

Jesus: My child, do you fear the God of mercy? My holiness does not prevent Me from being merciful. Behold. for you I have established a throne of mercy on earth - the tabernacle - and from this throne I desire to enter into your heart. I am not surrounded by a retinue of guards. You can come to Me at any moment, at any time; I want to speak to you and desire to grant you grace.

Soul: Lord, I doubt that You will pardon my numerous sins; my misery fills me with fright.

Jesus: My mercy is greater than your sins and those of the entire World. Who can measure the extent of my goodness? For you I descended from heaven to earth; for you I allowed Myself to be nailed to the Cross; for you I let My Sacred Heart be pierced with a lance, thus opening wide the source of mercy for you. Come then, with trust to draw graces from this fountain. I never reject a contrite heart. Your misery has disappeared in the depths of My mercy. Do not argue with Me about your wretchedness. You will give me pleasure if you hand over to Me all your troubles and griefs. I shall heap upon you the treasures of My grace.

Soul: You have conquered, O Lord, my stony heart with Your goodness. In trust and humility I approach the tribunal of Your mercy, where You yourself absolve me by the hand of your representative. O Lord, I feel Your grace and Your peace filling my poor soul. I feel overwhelmed by Your mercy, O Lord. You forgive me, which is more than I dared to hope for or could imagine. Your goodness surpasses all my desires. And now, filled with gratitude for so many graces, I invite You to my heart. I wandered, like a prodigal child gone astray; but You did not cease to be my Father. Increase Your mercy toward me, for You see how weak I am.

Jesus: Child, speak no more of your misery; it is already forgotten. Listen, My child, to what I desire to tell you. Come close to My wounds and draw from the Fountain of Life whatever your heart desires. Drink copiously from the Fountain of Life and you will not weary on your journey. Look at the splendors of My mercy and do not fear the enemies of your salvation. Glorify My mercy.
 
**Conversation of the Merciful God with a Despairing Soul. **

Jesus: O soul steeped in darkness, do not despair. All is not yet lost. Come and confide in your God, who is love and mercy.

But the soul, deaf even to this appeal, wraps itself in darkness.

Jesus calls out again: My child, listen to the voice of your merciful Father.
In the soul arises this reply, “For me there is no mercy,” and it falls into greater darkness, a despair which is a foretaste of hell and makes it unable to draw near to God.

Jesus calls to the souls a third time, but the soul remains deaf and blind, hardened and despairing. Then the mercy of God begins to exert itself, and, without any co-operation from the soul, God grants it final grace. If this too is spurned, God will leave the soul in this self chosen disposition for eternity. This grace emerges from the merciful Heart of Jesus and gives the soul a special light by means of which the soul begins to understand God’s effort; but conversion depends on its own will. The soul knows that this, for her, is final grace and, should it show even a flicker of good will, the mercy of God will accomplish the rest.

My omnipotent mercy is active here. Happy the soul that takes advantage of this grace.

Jesus: What joy fills My Heart when you return to Me. Because you are weak, I take you in My arms and carry you to the home of My Father.

Soul: (as if awakening, asks fearfully): Is it possible that there is yet mercy for me?

Jesus: There is, My child. You have a special claim on My mercy. Let it act in your poor soul; let the rays of grace enter your soul; they bring with them light, warmth, and life.

Soul: But fear fills me at the thought of my sins, and this terrible fear moves me to doubt Your goodness.

Jesus: My child, all your sins have not wounded My Heart as painfully as your present lack of trust does - that after so many efforts of My love and mercy, you should still doubt My goodness.

Soul: O Lord, save me yourself, for I perish. Be my Savior. O Lord, I am unable to say anything more; my pitiful heart is torn asunder; but You, O Lord…

Jesus does not let the soul finish but, raising it from the ground, from the depths of its misery, he leads it into the recesses of His Heart where all its sins disappear instantly, consumed by the flames of love.

Jesus: Here, soul, are all the treasures of My Heart. Take everything you need from it.
Soul: O Lord, I am inundated with Your grace. I sense that a new life has entered into me and, above all, I feel Your love in my heart. That is enough for me. O Lord, I will glorify the omnipotence of Your mercy for all eternity. Encouraged by Your goodness, I will confide to You all the sorrows of my heart.

Jesus: Tell Me all, My child, hide nothing from Me because My loving Heart, the Heart of Your Best Friend is listening to you.

Soul: O Lord, now I see all my ingratitude and Your goodness. You were pursuing me with Your grace, while I was frustrating Your benevolence. I see that I deserve the depths of hell for spurning Your graces.

Jesus (interrupting): Do not be absorbed in your misery - you are still too weak to speak of it - but, rather, gaze on My Heart filled with goodness, and be imbued with My sentiments. Strive for meekness and humility; be merciful to others, as I am to you; and, when you feel your strength failing, if you come to the fountain of mercy to fortify your soul, you will not grow weary on your journey.

Soul: Now I understand Your mercy, which protects me and like a brilliant star, leads me into the home of my Father, protecting me from all the horrors of hell that I have deserved, not once, but a thousand times. O Lord, eternity will hardly suffice for me to give due praise to Your unfathomable mercy and Your compassion for me.
 
"On the evening of the last day before my departure from Vilnius, an elderly sister [131] revealed the condition of her soul to me. She said that she had already been suffering interiorly for several years, that it seemed to her that all her confessions had been bad, and that she had doubts as to whether the Lord Jesus had forgiven her. I asked her if she had ever told her confessor about this. She answered that she had spoken many times about this to her confessors and… “the confessors are always telling me to be at peace, but still I suffer very much, and nothing brings me relief, and it constantly seems to me that God has not forgiven me.” I answered, “You should obey your confessor, Sister, and be fully at peace, because this is certainly a temptation.”

But she entreated me with tears in her eyes to ask Jesus if He had forgiven her and whether her confessions had been good or not. I answered forcefully, “Ask Him yourself, Sister, if you don’t believe your confessors!” But she clutched my hand and did not want to let me go until I gave her an answer, and she kept asking me to pray for her and to let her know what Jesus would tell me about her. Crying bitterly, she would not let me go and said to me, “I know that the Lord Jesus speaks to you, Sister.” Since she was clutching my hand and I could not wrench myself away, I promised her I would pray for her. In the evening, during Benediction, I heard these words in my soul: Tell her that her disbelief wounds My heart more than the sins she committed. When I told her this, she began to cry like a child, and great joy entered her soul. I understood that God wanted to console this soul through me. Even though it cost me a good deal, I fulfilled God’s wish."

“Write, speak of My mercy. Tell souls where they are to look for solace; that is, in the Tribunal of Mercy [the Sacrament of Reconciliation]. There the greatest miracles take place [and] are incessantly repeated. To avail oneself of this miracle, it is not necessary to go on a great pilgrimage or to carry out some external ceremony; it suffices to come with faith to the feet of My representative and to reveal to him one’s misery, and the miracle of Divine Mercy will be fully demonstrated. Were a soul like a decaying corpse so that from a human standpoint, there would be no [hope of] restoration and everything would already be lost, it is not so with God. The miracle of Divine Mercy restores that soul in full. Oh, how miserable are those who do not take advantage of the miracle of God’s mercy! You will call out in vain, but it will be too late.”
 
I desire that priests proclaim this great mercy of Mine towards souls of sinners. Let the sinner not be afraid to approach Me. The flames of mercy are burning Me - clamouring to be spent; I want to pour them out upon these souls…Distrust on the part of souls is tearing at My insides. The distrust of a chosen soul causes Me even greater pain; despite My inexhaustible love for them they do not trust Me. Even my death is not enough for them. Woe to the soul that abuses these [gifts]. (50)

Once when I was being crushed by these dreadful sufferings, I went into the chapel and said from the bottom of my soul, “Do what You will with me, O Jesus; I will adore You in everything. May Your will be done in me, O my Lord and my God, and I will praise Your infinite mercy.” Through this act of submission, these terrible torments left me. Suddenly I saw Jesus, who said to me, I am always in your heart. An inconceivable joy entered my soul, and a great love of God set my heart aflame. I see that God never tries us beyond what we are able to suffer. …one act of trust at such moments gives greater glory to God than whole hours passed in prayer filled with consolations. Now I see that if God wants to keep a soul in darkness, no book, no confessor can bring it light. (78)

On one occasion the Lord said to me, My daughter, your confidence and love restrain My justice, and I cannot inflict punishment because you hinder Me from doing so. Oh, how great is the power of a soul filled with confidence! (198)

An extraordinary, divine power came over me after that confession. Father stressed that I must be faithful to God’s grace and said, “No harm will come to you if, in the future, you continue to keep this same simplicity and obedience. Have confidence in God; you are on the right path and in good hands, in God’s hands.” (257)

Oh, how much I am hurt by a soul’s distrust! Such a soul professes that I am Holy and Just, but does not believe that I am Mercy and does not trust in My Goodness. Even the devils glorify M Justice but do not believe in My Goodness. (300)

I do not understand how it is possible not to trust in Him who can do all things. With Him, everything; without Him, nothing. He is Lord. He will not allow those who have placed all their trust in Him to be put to shame. (358)

I am Love and Mercy itself. When a soul approaches Me with trust, I fill it with such an abundance of graces that it cannot contain them within itself, but radiates them to other souls. (1074)

How painfully distrust of My goodness wounds Me. Sins of distrust wound Me most painfully. (1076)

However, this great misery of mine does not deprive me of trust. On the contrary, the better I have come to know my own misery, the stronger has become my trust in God’s Mercy. I have come to understand how all this depends on the Lord. (1406)

Today the Lord said to me, I have opened My Heart as a living fountain of mercy. Let [souls] approach this sea of mercy with great trust. Sinners will attain justification, and the just will be confirmed in good. Whoever places his trust in My mercy will be filled with My divine peace at the hour of death. (1520)

Tell them that no soul that has called upon My mercy has been disappointed or brought to shame. I delight particularly in a soul which has placed its trust in My goodness. (1541)

The graces of My mercy are drawn by means of one vessel only, and that is - trust. The more a soul trusts, the more it will receive. Souls that trust boundlessly are a great comfort to Me, because I pour all the treasures of My graces into them. I rejoice that they ask for much, because it is My desire to give much, very much. On the other hand, I am sad when souls ask for little, when they narrow their hearts. (1578)

Tell souls that from this fount of mercy [referring to Confession] souls draw graces solely with the vessel of trust. If their trust is great, there is no limit to My generosity. The torrents of grace inundate humble souls. The proud remain always in poverty and misery, because My grace turns away from them to humble souls. (1602)

May 1 [1938]. This evening, Jesus said to me, My daughter, do you need anything? I answered, “O my Love, when I have You I have everything.” And the Lord answered, If souls would put themselves completely in My care, I Myself would undertake the task of sanctifying them, and I would lavish even greater graces on them. There are souls who thwart My efforts, but I have not given up on them; as often as they turn to Me, I hurry to their aid, shielding them with My mercy, and I give them the first place in My compassionate Heart. (1682)

Entrust everything to Me and do nothing on your own, and you will always have great freedom of spirit. No circumstances of events will be able to upset you. (1685)

My daughter, do you think you have written enough about My mercy? What you have written is but a drop compared to the ocean. I am Love and Mercy itself. There is no misery that could be a match for My mercy, neither will misery exhaust it, because as it is being granted - it increases. The soul that trusts in My mercy is most fortunate, because I myself take care of it. (1273)

Tell them that no soul that has called upon My mercy has been disappointed or brought to shame. I delight particularly in a soul which has placed its trust in My goodness. (1541)

Know, My daughter, that between Me and you there is a bottomless abyss, an abyss which separates the Creator from the creature. But this abyss is filled with My mercy. (1576)
catholic-forum.com/churches/cathteach/divinemercy1.htm
 
Do you pray the rosary? I mean, by yourself, as a regular devotion?

If not, I strongly suggest that you do so. If you are experiencing a spiritual attack in addition to mental issues, it will help with that. But more than that, perhaps the gentle, loving Mother of God can help you move past your fear and understand Jesus as He really is. I recommend that while you pray each mystery, you meditate on how that particular mystery manifests God’s mercy and humility.

For instance, the Annunciation - meditate on the fact that God asked Mary if she would accept the Son of God in her womb, He did not force or coerce her in any way, no threats, etc. Meditate on the extraordinary humility of God in submitting Himself to Mary’s will and then in becoming a tiny, helpless unborn child in the her womb.

For the Wedding at Cana, meditate on the fact that, again, Jesus obeyed His mother in making the wine out of water - and that He did it in kindness to the married couple and the wedding guests. He *wanted *them to celebrate and have a good time!

And so on, for each of them.

I also think you need to see a good therapist. No one should have to suffer the mental anguish you are suffering, and it is not a normal part of religious belief.
 
I also think you need to see a good therapist. No one should have to suffer the mental anguish you are suffering, and it is not a normal part of religious belief.
It is especially not a normal aspect of Christianity. 👍
 
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