Just recently, I started to realize that an excessive preoccupation with one’s standing before God was nothing more than a tool of the adversary to stunt one’s spiritual growth.
Consider the famous “Gifts of the Spirit,” verse from Galatians 5:
“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.”
Joy and peace! Not a barrage of unpleasant thoughts.
Also, 2 Timothy 1:7,
“For God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but of power and love and discipline.”
When you have that barrage of unpleasant thoughts, I bet you don’t feel particularly powerful, in control, or disciplined…certainly you don’t feel a spirit of love. You probably feel helpless and unequal to the task of fending them off. But timidity does not come from God!
God does not want you to spend your life being afraid or feeling anxious or unhealthy or paralyzed by doubts. Those feelings don’t come from God! You might think they do, but they don’t.
God has in mind better things for you to do with your precious time and spiritual energy. And, God judges you by the condition of your heart. That’s why a person could be forgiven of a mortal sin without confession provided they had perfect contrition. The desires of the heart are what God looks at; no one’s going to go to Hell over a technicality, and Hell won’t be populated by well-intentioned people who suffer from OCD and chose to stop worrying about this-or-that because they sincerely felt it was interfering with their relationship with God. That’s why mortal sin not only contains grave matter, but must involve knowledge and consent. It might be easy to go on an endless wheel of “did I know and consent” but instead of doing that, try to see those provisions as a source of comfort. The catechism is saying: “God looks at the heart.” Take comfort in that. The fact that you are running to this forum for help is a sure sign that your heart desires goodness and purity.
Kick the devil out! He is surely delighted to watch you suffer and, in lieu of doing real good in the world, moping about.
Lastly, 1 John is a favorite of mine for describing what fellowship with God “feels” like", this is from chapter 4:
“We have come to know and have believed the love which God has [d]for us. God is love, and the one who abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him. 17 By this, love is perfected with us, so that we may have confidence in the day of judgment; because as He is, so also are we in this world. 18 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear [e]involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love. 19 We love, because He first loved us.”
Overwhelmingly, the witness of scripture is that the Spirit of God is a spirit of empowerment, healing, and experiencing the love of God. Further, God needs strong, healthy, people who can build His kingdom and joyfully witness to the Good News.
Perhaps consider praying to God that He would help you to discern between spirits, as well as protect you from the intrusion of the adversary. I am sure that OCD scrupulosity is nothing but the devil in disguise. As 2 Corinthians 11:14 puts it: “for even Satan disguises himself as an angel of light.”
Lastly, consider Philipians 4:6-7:
“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. 7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all [a]comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
Take your concern to God in prayer. Your mind might manufacture anxious thoughts, but instead allow the peace of Christ “which surpasses all comprehension” to calm you down
