Scrupulous Mom dealing with a teenage daughter

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awacjen

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I am new to the group and am having several issues with my eldest daughter(17). We attend Mass faithully and have also predominately homeschooled her since the beginning.
When she was 15, she started getting involved with boys(I had no idea, it was all sneaking and lying). She had boyfriends and we had no idea. She would leave the house wearing one thing and then change into very provocative clothes. She had a whole group of friends that we didn’t even know about. She hated us and God and would run away regularly.
Long story short, she(and the rest of us) endured 2 years of hell.
She struggled with the faith alot and still does some, but does attend Mass and says the Rosary when she is home and has a lot better attitude in general.
As a scrupulous soul, I am really struggling with several things. She still insists on wearing clothes that are less than modest(skin tight jeans, tight tops, etc). My husband and I constantly admonish her, but she persists and insists that they are not immodest and that is just our “opinion” and that she just wants to fit in with her peers.
In addition to that, she has an on again, off again boyfriend that is not Catholic and is definitely not helping her grow in her faith. We have never approved of dating so young, we have always taught our children that dating is reserved for finding a mate and 16 or even 17 are too young for that.
With her past issues(some of them mental-we were in therapy for 2 years), I am really struggling on what to push and what to just keep my mouth shut about. I don’t want her to completely lose the faith and I want to build a good and trusting relationship with her. I just know that as a parent with a minor child, I am responsible before God for allowing her to do things that are wrong. Anyone else go through similar situations and have advice? Thank you so much:)
 
awacjen said:
I am new to the group and am having several issues with my eldest daughter(17). We attend Mass faithully and have also predominately homeschooled her since the beginning.
When she was 15, she started getting involved with boys(I had no idea, it was all sneaking and lying). She had boyfriends and we had no idea. She would leave the house wearing one thing and then change into very provocative clothes. She had a whole group of friends that we didn’t even know about. She hated us and God and would run away regularly.
Long story short, she(and the rest of us) endured 2 years of hell.
She struggled with the faith alot and still does some, but does attend Mass and says the Rosary when she is home and has a lot better attitude in general.
As a scrupulous soul, I am really struggling with several things. She still insists on wearing clothes that are less than modest(skin tight jeans, tight tops, etc). My husband and I constantly admonish her, but she persists and insists that they are not immodest and that is just our “opinion” and that she just wants to fit in with her peers.
In addition to that, she has an on again, off again boyfriend that is not Catholic and is definitely not helping her grow in her faith. We have never approved of dating so young, we have always taught our children that dating is reserved for finding a mate and 16 or even 17 are too young for that.
With her past issues(some of them mental-we were in therapy for 2 years), I am really struggling on what to push and what to just keep my mouth shut about. I don’t want her to completely lose the faith and I want to build a good and trusting relationship with her. I just know that as a parent with a minor child, I am responsible before God for allowing her to do things that are wrong. Anyone else go through similar situations and have advice? Thank you so much:)
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Some thoughts: Are you buying the clothes? I would not buy her skin tight clothes. I would insist that she dress modestly and I would get to decide what is modest. I’m puzzled about how she snuck out of the house. My boys never did because I could prevent it. Of course they did othere things, its just the skeeking out that puzzles me.
 
People have different views on modest dress. How modest do you want her to dress? Do you expect her to wear long sleeves all the time or is a tank top ok? I would have probably rebelled if my mom wanted me to wear big cardigans, “mom” jeans, no shorts; that sort of thing. Maybe you can take her shopping and show her that there are stylish clothes that are modest?
 
Well, the clothes issue is simple. Do not buy her inappropriate clothes and do not allow her to have money to purchase inappropriate clothes. If she has them, she has to be getting them from somewhere. If they come into your house, confiscate them. On the other hand, make sure you are being reasonable and not scrupulous with the clothes. You can’t expect yoru daughter to go around dressed like Little House on the Prairie. I would consider jeans to be reasonable as long as her top was long enough to cover her belly and behind.

If she is lying about where she is going, then she has given up (at least temporarily) the privilege of leaving the house unescorted. Some people think that’s so unreasonable, but I’ve never understood that point of view. You are responsible for know where you kid is and you can legally be held responsible for what they do in society.

As far as the dating goes, I think that’s a really tough issue. For the most part, I would think that a responsible girl should be allowed to socialize with a boy under reasonable circumstances. (going to a dance, a carnival with friends, a supervised party, etc.) That’s my idea of “dating”. Unfortunately, in this day and age, my idea of “dating” is not universally held by all. In addition, it sounds like your girl has proven herself a little shy of the maturity and trustworthyness level I would like to see before allowing a girl out with a boy unsupervised. I wonder if you could compromise that as long as she follows the house rules, she could attend appropriate events with boys. I would make sure the rules are very clear.
  1. We meet the boy, have his number, his parents’ numbers, and we know where you are going and have a way to contact you.
  2. The place you are going is supervised and age-appropriate.
  3. You come home at a reasonable hour.
  4. Any instance of sneaking or lying immediately ends this privilege for the forseeable future.
 
Remember that your job is to set the rules and follow thru with consequences for breaking them; Your daughter’s job is to follow those rules that you set or pay the consequences.

I found relief for a rebellious teen thru a parenting class and also a website. Both helped changed the way I was parenting, which allowed me to be more effective in communicating my love to my child and what and why were important rules to follow which helped him grow into a more responsible adult. His bad behavior actually ended up being a great hands on learning experience for his 2 younger siblings. They were like, there is no way I am going to walk that path of destruction - it was hard on them when we were in the climax of his drug abuse and stealing phase. There were a few months where the police were at my house once a week and I don’t wish that on my worst enemy. It was very painful to go thru. You and your family are in my prayers.

The Active parenting Now class I took was really good. Their website is first and they have books you can buy that are helpful. I haven’t checked out their website, but looked briefly and looks like they can help with good advice.

Also just want to point out that my child was hard to communicate with so I wrote a lot of notes and letters and put them in his room so he wouldn’t feel threatened to read them - He could read them or not but in the privacy of his own room.

Hope these help you:

activeparenting.com/Parents-Parenting_Style_Quiz

empoweringparents.com/

thetotaltransformation.com/?dsource=bingbeh13&utm_source=MSN&utm_medium=cpc&utm_term=%7Bkeyword%7D
 
My daughter started sneaking out with boys late at night. We don’t have an alarm system on our house and even if we did she would figure out a way around it(she is very smart technologically wise and where there is a will there is a way). He would come pick her up at the corner and she was doing this regularly until we finally figured it out. We had no idea that she would ever do something like that, and she was super quiet about it, so we just never knew. I realize from talking to other parents that it is more common than one thinks. Since we didn’t allow her to date this boy, she took it upon herself to see him under her terms. Just writing about it now brings back such awful memories.
My daughter has a job, which has helped her immensely in her maturity and responsibility and she is such a social person that forcing her to sit at home would have been disastrous. That gives her money to buy clothes and I tell her not to buy the tight jeans and tank tops and I was confiscating them, but she would just hide them. Before she had money, she would just get all of her friends hand me downs. She is tiny and they grew out of their stuff and passed it onto her.
If my daughter were not so social/sanguine in temperament, than I think she would be much easier to handle. I have several other kids and I see the differences.
I have talked to several very good and holy priests. I have also gotten several different answers. One says to let her wear what she wants, another says to ensure she doesn’t wear anything immodest. I just want my daughter to not hate me or her Faith(i know she thinks we are waaayyy to strict on our interpretation of it).
Growing up I had VERY permissive parents and I dated and wore immodest clothes. My parents were not strict with me at all. Of their 12 children, I am the one who is the most faithful. With their younger children they were more strict in many ways. I am not condoning permissiveness in any way, I just wonder how I would have turned out if I would have been more rebellious.
My other frustration stems from the fact that technology has resulted in the loss of parental control. With all the smart phone technology where ever they go, it is next to impossible to know who/what your kids are doing and with whom.
Thank you for all the advice thus far.
 
At 17 I’d start to let go of thing as best you can and let her find her own way. In a year or less she will be an adult legally and responsible for all her own actions. Right now you need to do what you can to help her get ready for the transition. I’d let go of the modesty battle entirely and compromise on the dating. Eighteen year olds can get married and you’d be better off putting effort into helping her with becoming a young woman of integrity with respect to her relationships with men than just saying, “don’t date.” How serious is she about the boyfriend? Have you invited them to hang out at your place to get to know him better? The biggest issue at this point is the lack of trust and honesty–I’d work on that the most.

What does she plan to do when she is 18? Obviously if she is unwilling to abide by family rules, she needs to prepare to move out–especially if there are younger siblings who are seeing this. Help her to estimate her moving expenses, deposits necessary, etc. If she hopes to go to college, then you need to decide, given her desire to be independent in other things, if you will financially support her during that time. I would not–not with malice, just fact.
 
awacjen said:
My other frustration stems from the fact that technology has resulted in the loss of parental control. With all the smart phone technology where ever they go, it is next to impossible to know who/what your kids are doing and with whom.
Thank you for all the advice thus far.
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There weren’t Iphones when I was in high school. They came out the summer after I graduated. My mom did have my passwords to my Myspace (I didn’t get a Facebook until college) She also had my password to my phone. She would randomly check it. And by random, it was TOTALLY random. I never knew when she would check it and sometimes there were times that I didn’t even know she checked it. She would read my texts. She wouldn’t freak out about gossiping about boys or typical teenage girl behavior. You know, so and so wore the same shirt as me blah blah blah stuff. She did freak out when she read that one of my guy friends fell into the wrong crowd and started selling pot. She contacted his mom. I tried the whole delete all my messages thing and well, the bill said I had so many texts so I got my phone taken away.
There are ways to keep up with what your kids are up to. 🙂 My mom continued to check my phone even when I was in college. Granted it wasn’t all the time. She said if she was paying the bill she should have access.
 
Kids have been sneaking out on their parents long before technology. Girls have been changing in the rest room before cell phones
Parents can use technology to keep track of kids (Or so I hear I don’t have any but I have seen it on TV about GPS and all) The phone might betray the lie if you ask “where have you been” \

I think it is harder to get rid of text message (for ever) than a note passed in the class room

I will pray for her I think it is a good thing she is going to Mass and saying the rosary. I wonder if with the clothes if there is a compromise.
 
It is sooo easy to sneak out!! haha! 🙂 :eek:🙂 don’t ask how I know…😛 any how…

All I can tell you is what works for me. We often have conversations about where the eyes are drawn to. “it’s not modest” or “its too short” etc are to vague of a concept to discuss with rebellious teenagers. what is short for you is not short for them. Leggings…even with a skirt over them, draws attention to the leg, especially where the skirt meets the leggings because of the change of pattern/fabric. Talk about how certain shirts automatically draw attention to breasts, not just if their low cut our not. I saw a beautiful dress on a woman the other day, but the top under the v-neck was flesh colored and made it look like she was wearing nothing but a deeeeeep v-neck dress. Did it cover everything? yes, but it made a bunch of people do double takes. She was drawing attention to her chest. 😊

My conversations are short and natural. They come up in the course of the day and never in a lecture form. Your daughter may be wanting to attract attention, and if she is, you’ll have to ask if that is all she thinks she is worth? (don’t be confrontational when asking though! Be loving! 🙂 ) She needs to realize that she needs a guy to realize she is beautiful and want a man who will respect her beauty, but first she must respect herself.

Hang in there, and keep your conversations open. You’ll get more in as long you keep talking. Its a long process, and their brains aren’t fully formed until around 25…so just think: you have many years to go!!! :D:p
 
All this advice is so helpful. Bless you all.
My daughter will be 18 in about 5 months and has matured enough to know that it is way to expensive and tough on your own. The freedom that is gained is a big trade off.
She pays for her own phone and clothes, beauty products, etc.
College is next year(Junior college) and that will hopefully help her mature even more.
Regarding sneaking out, I have a family member that was so confidant thet her teenage daughter had no way to sneak out. They have a very good alarm system that they relied on. Well, low and behold, their daughter started sneaking out the doggie door. This did not trigger the alarm and her parents had no idea.
I have talked to her about modesty so much and the differences in brains between men and women. She has listened to the Everitt"s story and I have given her books to read. She knows about Maria Goretti.
We have had the boy to our house on several occasions and now that she is trying to honor us more, we do allow some appropriate “dates” for them. From the world’s perspective, he is a decent young man(19) and most parents would think he is ideal, but we have the past memories and we have the fact that he isn’t Catholic.
 
awacjen said:
All this advice is so helpful. Bless you all.
My daughter will be 18 in about 5 months and has matured enough to know that it is way to expensive and tough on your own. The freedom that is gained is a big trade off.
She pays for her own phone and clothes, beauty products, etc.
College is next year(Junior college) and that will hopefully help her mature even more.
Regarding sneaking out, I have a family member that was so confidant thet her teenage daughter had no way to sneak out. They have a very good alarm system that they relied on. Well, low and behold, their daughter started sneaking out the doggie door. This did not trigger the alarm and her parents had no idea.
I have talked to her about modesty so much and the differences in brains between men and women. She has listened to the Everitt"s story and I have given her books to read. She knows about Maria Goretti.
We have had the boy to our house on several occasions and now that she is trying to honor us more, we do allow some appropriate “dates” for them. From the world’s perspective, he is a decent young man(19) and most parents would think he is ideal, but we have the past memories and we have the fact that he isn’t Catholic.
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Trust your gut on this one. Everyone wants to believe the best of their kids, but we have to be grounded in the reality of the sinful world we are in. Sex is everywhere unfortunatley and the world is not on our side in keeping our kids pure. BUT! God is on our side, so pray everyday. Everyday. 3 Hail Mary’s and St. Michael prayer is my suggestion 😉 and don’t forget to pray to her guardian angel as well.

Now for a practical hint. Just before your child goes out of the house, have a quick little “pop quiz.” Simply ask her to name the most important commandment, or name 2 virtues, etc. any little moral quiz that will jump her mind to the things that you have taught her. why? When kids are reminded of what is right and wrong just before an action, they are less likely to act against their morals. So even if you have a simple discussion of “Oh, did you see the latest letter from Fr. Bill in the bulletin…” may help in her behavior away from home. Just be sneaky and make it casual.

You will see your daughter grow in college, and good for you for keeping her home at a community college. You’ll have more of a positive influence as she navigates her new freedom.
 
We hired a very responsible teen girl from our swim club to teach my son how to swim, she is a very responsible and thoughtful person that we trusted with our son; she also goes regularly to church, However, forget about dress code… it is usually on the skimpy side. It’s just so common with young ladies today. I feel for parents trying to get their young ladies to dress modestly in today’s day and age. In a sense, if that is the worst they are doing then it might just be a case of grin and bare it.
 
It isn’t scrupulous to want your daughter to dress modestly. When she is an adult/moves out she can do what she wants, but while living in your house you should promote modest dressing. (Honestly, that was a battle I had with my own mother, and had my mother backed down, I don’t think I would have ever learned.)
 
I started reading this to my younger children. Sometimes, a little embarrassing and uncomfortable, but I had to decide who did I want them to learn about sex from - a bunch of lies or the truth. I find that now I say quite naturally, that sex was created by God as a gift for married people, that is one man and one woman. Also about how we need to respect woman and men and show them dignity by not acting like an overgrown hormone and that our sexual desire can be put under control by asking God to send His Holy Spirit to help us. Also more married couples end in divorce who have engaged in pre-marital sex or co-habituated.

amazon.com/Pure-Love-Jason-Evert/dp/1888992131

Also this is another good book. The Pure Love is a brochure.

amazon.com/Find-Your-Soulmate-Without-Losing/dp/0983092303/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1373723224&sr=1-1&keywords=how+to+find+your+soulmate+without+losing+your+soul

The above links let you look inside the books to preview.

Peace.
 
It isn’t uncommon for a child to rebel a little bit against their parents when rules are so strict. Honestly, I personally see nothing wrong with your daughter’s behavior. Having friends you’ve never met? Seeing a boy? Wearing clothes that aren’t baggy?
Sounds like standard teenage behavior to me. 🤷

She’s not doing drugs, or getting into trouble, or having sex.

I’d tread lightly at this point if I were you. She’s only a year shy of 18, and when that comes she’ll have the legal right to get a job, move out, and establish her own independence. You don’t want her to be the daughter that leaves and never comes back.
 
McMcMe said:
At 17 I’d start to let go of thing as best you can and let her find her own way. In a year or less she will be an adult legally and responsible for all her own actions. Right now you need to do what you can to help her get ready for the transition. I’d let go of the modesty battle entirely and compromise on the dating. Eighteen year olds can get married and you’d be better off putting effort into helping her with becoming a young woman of integrity with respect to her relationships with men than just saying, “don’t date.” How serious is she about the boyfriend? Have you invited them to hang out at your place to get to know him better? The biggest issue at this point is the lack of trust and honesty–I’d work on that the most.

What does she plan to do when she is 18? Obviously if she is unwilling to abide by family rules, she needs to prepare to move out–especially if there are younger siblings who are seeing this. Help her to estimate her moving expenses, deposits necessary, etc. If she hopes to go to college, then you need to decide, given her desire to be independent in other things, if you will financially support her during that time. I would not–not with malice, just fact.
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Some refreshingly reasonable advice here, IMHO. 👍
 
I am curious did this dress down behavior start within the last 2 or 3 years? What the little ones wear one from 7 to 12 wear can be a little disturbing. If they started dressing like this from a very young age, it is going to be a challenge latter on. Specially once they become teens and hanging out with their circle of friends which now includes boys.

God Bless, if she going to mass and saying the family rosary it sounds like you have a good handle on things. Since this young lady is almost an adult your parental role is transitioning to that of a consultant.

God Bless
 
Debora123 said:
It isn’t uncommon for a child to rebel a little bit against their parents when rules are so strict. Honestly, I personally see nothing wrong with your daughter’s behavior. Having friends you’ve never met? Seeing a boy? Wearing clothes that aren’t baggy?
Sounds like standard teenage behavior to me. 🤷

She’s not doing drugs, or getting into trouble, or having sex.

I’d tread lightly at this point if I were you. She’s only a year shy of 18, and when that comes she’ll have the legal right to get a job, move out, and establish her own independence. You don’t want her to be the daughter that leaves and never comes back.
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I agree with this. I think you are pushing her away by not letting her have more freedom. If you continue pressuring her, she will only be alienated. I was alienated by my parents when I was her age because they didn’t like my boyfriend (even though he was very nice and not a “loser”), and we still have a strained relationship to this day.

I feel sorry for your daughter who (it sounds like) is trying to do everything right (getting a job, being responsible, etc.), but facing criticism at home. It’s soul-crushing.

I’d say back off for awhile.
 
awacjen said:
I am new to the group and am having several issues with my eldest daughter(17). We attend Mass faithully and have also predominately homeschooled her since the beginning.
When she was 15, she started getting involved with boys(I had no idea, it was all sneaking and lying). She had boyfriends and we had no idea. She would leave the house wearing one thing and then change into very provocative clothes. She had a whole group of friends that we didn’t even know about. She hated us and God and would run away regularly.
Long story short, she(and the rest of us) endured 2 years of hell.
She struggled with the faith alot and still does some, but does attend Mass and says the Rosary when she is home and has a lot better attitude in general.
As a scrupulous soul, I am really struggling with several things. She still insists on wearing clothes that are less than modest(skin tight jeans, tight tops, etc). My husband and I constantly admonish her, but she persists and insists that they are not immodest and that is just our “opinion” and that she just wants to fit in with her peers.
In addition to that, she has an on again, off again boyfriend that is not Catholic and is definitely not helping her grow in her faith. We have never approved of dating so young, we have always taught our children that dating is reserved for finding a mate and 16 or even 17 are too young for that.
With her past issues(some of them mental-we were in therapy for 2 years), I am really struggling on what to push and what to just keep my mouth shut about. I don’t want her to completely lose the faith and I want to build a good and trusting relationship with her. I just know that as a parent with a minor child, I am responsible before God for allowing her to do things that are wrong. Anyone else go through similar situations and have advice? Thank you so much:)
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Firstly, you need to avoid** the scrupulous habits, the scrupulous practices, the scrupulous doctrines. **You have the moral obligation of struggling against this spiritual/religious/psychic/mental/social/cultural/philosophical/theological/moral disease.
The scrupulism is very sad, is dangerous and is an enormous pathology. It is a great problematic!!!

For your information:

*The catholic family is not a pre-seminary, is not a pre-monastery and is not a pre-convent.
The catholic family is not a seminary, is not a monastery and is not a convent. *

The catholic family** is not victorian, is not victorianist, is not puritan, is not puritanist, is not quiverfullist, is not jansenist, is not mormon, is not mormonist…etc.**

The catholic lay man (the baby boy, the male teenager, the young man, the husband, the widower, the old man) is not a priest, is not a monk and is not a friar.
The catholic lay woman (the baby girl, the female teenager, the young woman, the wife, the widow, the old woman)** is not a nun and is not a sister.
**
 
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