Seaparated last Wednesday

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aachristopher

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Friends.

Last week my wife separated from me after 17 years of marriage and two daughters - 16,14 now with me.

When we met, she had just become a Christian (later became Catholic) and I thought she was absolutely beautiful. We went out for 3 years before getting married, and although we never had intercourse before marriage our relationship was sexual at times.

She brought a lot of baggage into our relationship from many angles, including alocoholic, controling parents and many boyfriends, and I had to absorb a lot of this which at times was very painful.

For 14 years our marriage seemed very stable and secure. We could afford for her to be a stay at home Mum which she wanted to be. We were both happy and committed Catholics.

Things began to go wrong about 4 years ago. I went back to university for a year to get my degree before we did a planned migration across the world. I left my job and she went back to hers. Through no fault of her own, she lost the job and we were struggling. Fortunately, she found other work, but it was very stressful. Later that year her father died, leaving an insolvent estate and endless problems to bring it to closure. During this time, I gave her very little support. In fact, I was actively hostile as I didn’t want to get dragged in to all the issues as I was studying for my exams and couldn’t afford to fail them after having given up a great job to do the course.

About 2 months after getting my degree I had the sense that she had distanced herself from me. The last year had been very tough for us, although I was back working now and was hoping that things would normalize.

It was on a Sunday evening when I dicovered that she had been having what can only be described as a screwed-up emotional affair (with cybersex) with a male friend on a social network. (We both now know that this man was a total predator, extremely skilled at manipulating emotionally vulnerable women whilst portaying himself as a philanthropist and charity worker, but this was just a front.) This was absoltutely devastating to me and our relationship has never been right since, despite the fact that we tried counselling which made some progress.

I lost so much respect for her as the wound of what happened ran so deep. I simply couldn’t believe that she’d done what she’d done, and in doing so jeopardized everything which we had. During the hell of that time she told me that she no longer loved me, and wanted to leave. I also discovered that she had been involved in New Ageism i.e. Crystals, Chakra’s etc. I always refused to have these in the house yet she felt that my position was closed minded, domineering and controlling.

Anyhow, somehow we agreed to stay together and try and make our marriage work, and slowly, slowly things seemed to start going in the right direction, but friction was never far away. Contempt and disrespect from both of us was just below the surface. We had very little patience with each other despite trying to keep going.

Last year we finally migrated, but the move was just too stressful as my work dried up within months and we were living on savings whilst we were both desparately trying to find any work to keep us going and keep our heads above water.

Two weeks before she left, she admitted that she fell out of love with me whilst preganant with our elder daughter. She didn’t say anything because she was a Catholic and obliged to just keep going. She took off her ring, said the marriage was dead,she didn’t want my name or my religion and never wanted to move out here in the first place, and wanted a flight back as soon as possible. She needed to find herself,and start her life afresh. I guess whilst things are going well, it’s easy to ignore the thoughts which say that you might be married to the wrong person, but when things are tough, those thoughts can be very compelling indeed.

Please don’t get me wrong. My wife is one of the most gentlest, kindest, tenderest, loving people that I know which is what makes this so completely tragic. We completely rocked each others worlds when we met. We were just so good together. We have two fantastic, well balanced children, and I believe that they have gotten the best from both of us.

The night before she left she was totally distressed - almost on the verge of a breakdown - numb and unable to calm down. Living here in this country and in this marriage was unravelling her, yet the thought of having to leave her children was destroying her.

We took her to the airport the next day, and it was heartbreaking. There were 4 completely broken hearts that day. My wife and I hugged and stroked each others faces as we said goodbye. The last thing she said to me was ‘Thank you foreverything.’

I believe in marriage and family, yet I have to admit that whilst her going is devastating for all of us, there is no longer that friction in the house that we were living with for so long.

There is so much hurt and resentment and pain on both sides, and this problem is bigger than the both of us. It festered, and we were powerless to do anything about it. We cannot deal with it ourselves. When we tried, things just got worse.

I now realise that IF we are to ever re-unite, our marriage has to finally succumb and die completely to all the poison which it ever took on. Only then, and by the Grace of God, will it be able to be re-born in His image. For that to happen, both my wife and I will need to find renewal in the Blood of Jesus, completely let go of all the hurts of the past and abandon ourselves to the love of God.

I am trying to do the right thing. I am praying, I am going to Mass, I am trying to be the most loving father that I can be.

I must soon go to confession, but I need to do a full examination of my conscience. I am somewhat fearful of this confession as I don’t know what will be in the mirror when God holds it up to me.

God Bless.
 
Thanks for sharing your story. I write with sincere hope that our Lord gives you healing!

You seem to have a spirit that is willing to be led by God towards healing. Amen.

I am 36 yrs, with a wife and 4 yr old daughter. We have gone through some difficult times, but have managed to hold together. I can relate to some of your wifes mistakes. The cyber thing is a mistake which probably could have used more grace from you. Please understand I dont know if I would have done better than you, only that I know what has the power to heal. Its in the past now, but you are still able to forgive things in your heart and convey that to her.

You said she had ‘baggage’ from the beginning, and your story reveals that. Many times, our sins can give us lasting consequences that remain dormant until times of stress and weakness. Like a drug addict who quits, but must always be on guard for the moment of relapse.

As for the “falling out of love with you”, I am sorry you had to hear that. That must cut. But, we know that love is not a mere feeling. Feelings are temporary. This reflects a profound lack of Godliness in her. Forgive her!!! You must focus your love to God before you can love her in spite of all her faults.

Oh, how difficult it is to honor our spouses and marriage!!! Do not dispair. You have your soul and your daughter’s souls to look after. May God provide for you, what you need in these times of struggle.

Affectionately
Michael
 
sorry to hear of your problems as you report/
by your writing style or syntax-i take it that you are from the UK /Britain?

the American statistics may show a separation or divorce rate just at the time when kids of the marriage are ready for middle school-ie middle school age, about 6,7,8 grades, in US schools…i always wondered why that trend? i cannot answer…we are not really creatures of statistics, nor fate: prayer might provide a strength in time of need…

the other post has offered an idea of forgiveness-
your post shows an intelligence, a life of hard work, and able to focus despite feeling the experience of the shock at this moment. If you don’t mind me saying, that the forum may be a media that has limits of how words may help; as the Church is a place where the soul finds peace , therein, commitment to church , then, is a place to discover the healing that only the sacraments can provide…

as i write this-i do feel an emotional state-as sorrow-as every one’s humanity illustrates weakness…(including my own…)

Well, if you allow me to offer advice that might suffice a little while before help is sought from the church…so i limit my topic to prayer…

that there is to compare the emotional affect from a car crash to any experience of horror of a life event-and so a quandry yields inquiry of when will that healing moment in prayer happen during such an emotional trauma/Probably a soul cannot pray because pain is becoming a distraction…a quandry grows as how to pray when there is just as much powerful pull away from God as there is toward God…
Praying the psalms is a good prep for deeper prayer…These offer a template as road map to holiness, then a level of prayer to make the Psalm your very own, letting the Holy Spirit to add to it; (perhaps letting God speak -i suggest there might be your response that if you had to choose a path of holiness-it would have been easier-yet discover,as God speaks in the Psalm-that God must choose your path to holiness) …Praying the psalms goes a little beyond just reading the psalms; what to do is to browse through each 'till one catches your attention…Notice the Psalm has a beginning, a middle, and an end…the beginning tells of a subject, as it might be a plea to God-since there is great doubt expressed in the Psalmist; the middle will plead with God-with present a problem; while the ending shows an intimacy with God…a reversal…
prayer might provide a strength in time of need that
Regrets and self blame, and worry are taken care of in intimate moments with God.
 
Friends.

Thank you for taking the time to read my long post and for replying to it, and thank you for all your words which I read very carefully and appreciate deeply. (Yes, I am originally from the UK.)

I feel that I am now in the middle of a spiritual battle, fighting well above my weight and quite frankly getting battered at every turn.

I am so grateful for The Church at this time. Not only is it offering spiritual and sacramental support, but strangers in my adopted parish are genreously offering down to earth practical support during this time. I’m so touched and humbled by this. I fully intend to pass on such goodness at some point when I’m called upon.

God Bless.
 
I have no advice to give
but will help you fight the spiritual battle
with prayer …
May God bless you and your family.

…
 
I am not a trained psychologist, but here are my 2 cents:

She is probably seriously depressed and possible other issues.

It seems that this has been a lifelong struggle for her.

It sounds like you have done nothing wrong.

Mental illness is a huge global issue that is largely ignored. It’s hard for people to understand that we have more stressors than any other generation.

I will prayer that she finds God again and comes back to you so you two can continue your journey together with her struggles.

A lasting love is more than just feelings and romance, it’s takes dedication and forgiveness.

I know this because my wife spent the first 12 years of our marriage praying for me to rediscover my faith and fighting my inner demons. After 15 years, we are finally having more fill fulling relationship dedicated to the trinity and ourselves.
 
Please know that we are praying for you, for your daughters, and for your wife.
 
I hope you read this.
Here is what happened to me. There is so much to tell you. First of all if you can contact
S-Anon.org, it took me a year to find them. Please just get in contact with someone there and tell your story. Your eyes will be opened. The reason I know it is what it is because I lived it and nobody can tell you what you need to know unless they have gone through it.
If you are skeptical it is an international program that leads many people to the catholic faith. But if offers hope and superior needed help for those who have been hurt by another s sexual behavior. It is the reaction that your wife had to your simple inquiry to the text. What he did is called redirection or deflection, and she acted like a child who just got caught stealing. That kind of behavior shows an explicit type of behavior that can be found in a person who is emotionally immature, definitely perfectly educated but acting like a 10 year old emotionally.
You will find the answers you are looking for. I am catholic and am in the Deaconate program and boy do I have a whopper of a story to tell to you. You can email me at detroitsanon@gmail.com or anyone else who thinks they need help. I know I have been vague but the brain plays tricks on you in the state you may be in. I know you will research what I said and will get back to me only on your terms. This is only a suggestion
 
I hope you read this.
Here is what happened to me. There is so much to tell you. First of all if you can contact
S-Anon.org, it took me a year to find them. Please just get in contact with someone there and tell your story. Your eyes will be opened. The reason I know it is what it is because I lived it and nobody can tell you what you need to know unless they have gone through it.
If you are skeptical it is an international program that leads many people to the catholic faith. But if offers hope and superior needed help for those who have been hurt by another s sexual behavior. It is the reaction that your wife had to your simple inquiry to the text. What she did is called redirection or deflection, and she acted like a child who just got caught stealing. That kind of behavior shows an explicit type of behavior that can be found in a person who is emotionally immature, definitely perfectly educated but acting like a 10 year old emotionally.
You will find the answers you are looking for. I am catholic and am in the Deaconate program and boy do I have a whopper of a story to tell to you. You can email me at detroitsanon@gmail.com or anyone else who thinks they need help. I know I have been vague but the brain plays tricks on you in the state you may be in. I know you will research what I said and will get back to me only on your terms. This is only a suggestion
 
Friends.

On Easter Sunday, I emailed my wife who informed me that things had gone very badly for her and she realised that she had made a mistake in leaving. She sent me a very deep letter outlining some of the stresses she had gone through, saying she had realised that she had made a gross mistake and essentially asked to come back as she wanted us to make the marriage work, and that the children and I completed her and family was the best place to be etc…

I was, of course both cautious and delighted, and believed this to be an answer to a Novena which I had prayed. I had leaned so much during this separation, and I knew that I could be a wonderful and fulfilling hsband for her.

She came back at the start of May (after having to sort out visas and flights halfway around the world), but within a couple of weeks I noticed that she was putting up barriers again.

I learned this morning that she had in fact had a sexual relationship with a Facebook ‘friend’ whilst we were separated. However, what was worse was that the only reason she came back was because due to a misunderstanding, they had boken up and she had literally nowhere else to go - and now she doesn’t want to work at this marriage anymore - because her feelings have changed. She says she was deeply in love with this man (although it was obviously a rebound relationship which satisfied her neediness of being scared, confused and alone)

I feel so utterly hurt and used by this. This yo-yo’ing behaviour is so destructive.

I want her to leave now, as soon as possible, and told her so. Whilst I hate the idea of divorce, I will be initiating this, and will apply for an annulment in due course.

I’m sorry if this sounds like a rant, but this is all too much. I know it will devastate our daughters who thought their mother was back for good.

God Bless
 
Any advice given over the internet must be taken with a grain of salt, as we don’t know either of you, but as others have said here, she sounds like she is mentally ill. She honestly sounds like she is in a psychotic break. I would suggest that you consider her behavior from that standpoint, and not as a sign of a failing on your part to be what she wants.

When we think of the marital vow “in sickness and in health”, most of us probably don’t include mental illness in the list of sufferings we would support a spouse through. And I’m not suggesting that you continue to live as man and wife in the same home. But I would suggest you talk to someone, a priest or counselor, about whether you should hold off on divorce proceedings, and support her through therapy, medication, hospitalization, etc.

No one is so good that they can fake love and happiness for 16 years. For her to make that comment, to me, sounds like she is seriously disturbed and confused.
 
I agree with Caroline’s post. Has your wife ever been diagnosed or treated for a mental health issue?
 
My comment is about the move.
I moved from the US to the UK and it was a bit stressful. But I fell in love with the UK and now consider it my home. My real home, my spiritual and physical home. Home in every sense of the word.

Last year my husband and I moved to Canada. We have no work, nor family, nor friends in Canada. We just up and moved after early retirement. Something about the eagles and the sea…it seemed like such an adventure…
Anyway, I am miserable. I hate Canada and I am starting to hate the husband who loves it.
I have come close to leaving him and going home, and the jury is still out on the issue.

So my two cents are: never underestimate the effects of culture shock and the longing for home. Moving overseas probably took a lot of effort and dreaming on both your parts. Now that the activity is over, perhaps she feels like she has awoken to a different universe. Like, beam me up Scotty.

Your wife’s behaviour might have a lot to do with the dis orientation of living in a different place where nothing is familiar, and she has no connection to what so ever. It’s fine as a holiday, even exciting, but after a while it loses it’s charm. And just the thought that this is forever, for the rest of your life…well it feels like you don’t even want the rest of your life.

Its less about newness, and more about disappearing. Your wife had a life back in the UK.
Once she moved, she ceased to exist to everyone but the family. Real friends take a lifetime of cultivation. Women don’t bond over football, we bond over life stresses and joys. Life, in other words. Friendship to a women is a different animal than to a man. The loss of that and having to start over can be devastating.
Even the baked beans don’t taste the same. She can’t rely on anything. Nothing is dependable or “normal”. She moved and now has practically no life, and the little she has has been extremely stressful. Perhaps she feels that she has no place in the world. I know I do.

It’s not a good place to be. So I say, maybe it’s not her baggage, (everyone has baggage, even you…) but maybe it’s about the move. I’d say there’s a good chance she didn’t even want to move, but agreed for you.
Women do that a lot. Biological, and culturally, we are made for saying yes even when we want to say no.

It would take me less than a heartbeat to move back home. It was the worst mistake I have ever made. Maybe it was a whopper for her too.
 
Friends.

Thank you for your replies.
She has started couselling and the psychologist is not fully sure, but thinks she may be suffering from Depression. I’m convinced there is depressive element there mixed in with a mid-life crisis stemming from a traumatic childhood, which left her deeply insecure and not having any career focus in her mid-life year.

Deltadelinquent, thank you for your comments but I genuinely don’t believe it’s down to readjustment although the stress of it added to our issues. This second time she came back she actually loves the city here - a far cry from what she was saying before she left. Have you yourself tried for some counselling? “Migrant’s Flu” is very common. Some friends of ours who migrated a month after us, the wife was very unhappy about the move and had urges to move back and was also resentful to her husband. Fortunately, she had some psychological counselling and with support from her friends began to see things differently and is significantly happier.

God Bless
 
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