Secret Keeping Ettiquette

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Mamase

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I don’t think any marriage constitutes being a total open book about other people’s lives. Especially in the case of a sister or a friend, for example, telling you about issues in her marriage, things like her and her husband have been arguing and if she’s telling you not to tell anyone and that she’s simply venting and trusting your lending ear for advice and relief. I’m an open book with him about my life.
I’m seeing a lot of people saying they tell their spouses everything even after they have promised the other person to keep the secret. If it’s a friends business or your siblings business and affects your own marriage in no way, why break that trust?
If anything, the other person who’s secret you couldn’t keep, might now feel like another door has been closed, feel even lonelier knowing they can’t trust anyone to simply vent about a personal issue. That person might feel like they now have a bigger problem in their hands with the worry that you’ve told your spouse and Lord knows how many people more will know after that, which in the end could make matters worse for the person who confided in you.
Here’s a good example: I’m in a happy marriage but lately I’ve been arguing over stupid couples stuff with my husband clashing over how we are handling things in our household with kids, in-laws etc.
I was in need of venting, crying and of advice and called my sister and confided in her and asked her to please not tell anyone, including her spouse. She agreed not to, assured me she wouldn’t and next day asked to have lunch with me and brought her spouse over to give me advice.
I caught her alone for a minute and asked her why she told and she nonchalantly tells me it’s no big deal and it’s simply because they want to help and care about me.
I would never do that to my sister and I’m upset she broke my trust like that. Next thing you know, my mom calls and says she had a nightmare that I was in trouble. It Couldn’t have been more obvious that my mom now also knows, I had a couple stupid arguments with my husband!
Why be an open book about other people’s lives like that with your spouses? I am in total disagreement!!!
It angers me to know and I wonder, how many people out there who have committed suicide did so because they at some point might have felt completely alone since there aren’t many people you can trust out there to be there for you without letting the whole world know about things they’ve confided in you for and they in turn feel left even more alone! Just something that makes me wonder.
I don’t care how much she says she told her spouse in order to help and because they both care. It’s gossip.
I’ve been in the situation where a friend tells me something about her marriage and if I feel it’s something I’m curious about and want to see how my husband would feel if we were in the same situation for example… I would non-Chalantly bring it up as a general topic that I heard of on tv but I would never break my sibling or friends trust my telling my husband details about a private conversation between my sister and I which I promised not to tell anyone about!
 
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Mamase said:
Why be an open book about other people’s lives like that with your spouses?
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This isn’t about “people” sharing confidences with their spouse. This is about your sister breaking your trust and telling not only her husband but also your mother.

Now you know: your sister can’t keep her trap shut and isn’t trustworthy. Moreover, she’s blown off your concerns about it and completely discounted your feelings on the matter because she’s justified her blabbing as for your own good instead of saying “you’re right, I violated your trust and I’m sorry.”

So, lesson learned, you can’t talk to your sister in confidence in the future and especially not about your spouse.
 
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I can see how this is all upsetting. Perhaps next time you divulge something personal to your sister you’ll get her to swear secrecy, or perhaps there won’t be a next time.

Love is usually the answer, and it’s hard to love unless we forgive first?
Remember we will be judged on how we have loved.

We are all so delicately balanced, like butterflies, fine on calm warm summer days but in need of shelter when the winds and rains come. When I see a butterfly hanging on to a leaf in a storm I always feel sympathy for it, especially as I know it’s days are numbered even if it survives the storm.

Perhaps we should enjoy each other more while it’s summer here until God gives us eternal sunshine.

Edit: it may help if you consider, did your sister divulge your secret out of weakness or malice. As she asked her husband to talk to you to help I’d guess it was out of weakness, or at least because she thought your problems were serious enough to break her promise. Peace be with you.
 
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Lee1 said:
next time you divulge something personal to your sister you’ll get her to swear secrecy,
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The OP did that this time. The sister swore to her face and it was a big lie.

If it were me, there would be no next time.
 
I was threatened once by some very bad people they said “we do not forget, we do not forgive.”

How did I know they were bad?

God says forgive endlessly and love above all things will save you.

Can you spot the difference?

With respect 🙂
 
Lee1 said:
I can see how this is all upsetting. Perhaps next time you divulge something personal to your sister you’ll get her to swear secrecy, or perhaps there won’t be a next time.
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Agreed…
 
A wise mentor once told me about confiding in people “before you tell someone something in confidence, realize that most everyone has a person to whom they tell EVERYTHING. Also remember, the person you are telling may consider you their best confidant, however, they may have someone else in that role”.

You now know that your sister cannot be trusted with your confidences. It is sad, but, it is a fact. I’d not make it a big issue, I would simply not confide in her again.

The ability to truly keep confidences is rare in our tell-all world.
 
I’m sorry you had trouble with your sister breaking your trust and telling people you didn’t want her to tell.

I do think that many people are likely to have a hard time keeping a secret from their spouse. If someone said to me, “I want to tell you a secret and I don’t want you to tell anybody, not even your spouse” I probably would not have wanted to hear whatever it was, unless it was perhaps that they were planning a big surprise party for him and didn’t want him to know about it till the big day. If it wasn’t something temporary and nice, like a surprise party, I wouldn’t want the burden of having to keep a secret from my spouse when we normally didn’t keep secrets from each other.

As someone else said, most people have someone who they confide everything to, and for a lot of people, that person is our spouse. So you may want to think twice about telling any married person something with instructions to not tell their spouse.
 
But you say it as if the secret the other person is asking you to keep from your spouse about themselves that’ll affect your own marriage or like it’s a secret where the other person is in danger or something major where your own morals or ethics come in to play. We are talking about one sister confiding in the other sister, telling her things like…” I just need someone to talk to, to clear my head. I’m arguing with my husband because we aren’t on the same page lately with how we are raising our our kids and we don’t feel like a team because he’s constanty their BFF or her sounds childish in our arguments or he’s not standing to for me with his in-laws being rude. Etc, etc”… How is that something that’s so difficult or terrible to keep from your spouse if your sister asks you to please not divulge with your spouse and you promise to keep that info. Confidential?
Most people would agree with your stance but if doesn’t make it right. I appreciate your (name removed by moderator)ut but I’m simply giving you my perspective so you consider where I’m coming from and how it could do more harm that good.
I know I’ll get over this obstacle in my marriage but I shouldn’t have the burden on my shoulders of knowing next time, I have to explode inside by myself rather than trust my sister with any private info again or worry that anyone else now knows what I considered important since I’m a believer that the more people you involve in your marital issues, the worst! I should have known better since her and her spouse are constantly involving the whole world in their issues. Once I’ve moved on from my issues, I’ve moved on when others are involved, in a way it’s always around because most people love throwing dirty past around for others.
 
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Mamase said:
I’m a believer that the more people you involve in your marital issues, the worst!
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Amen to that! While you will eventually forgive your husband and come to an understanding, outside parties may harbor resentment forever.

Maybe it is a good idea to simply find a paid counselor, a professional who is not going to talk to anyone, but gives you a place to vent/work through things.
 
Yes. I feel terrible now. I’m never spoken bad about my husband to anyone. Could you imagine if anyone ever told him that? If my sister and her spouse ever separate and the spouse runs into mine and decides to be that kind of person? Anyone would think I’m exaggerating but it’s one way to look at it. Now I’m left with this feeling and I think it’s totally unfair and unnecessary. She knows I’m not a person with many friends. Never have been. Have met a few moms at my kids school I get along with but I cane to her because she’s my syster. To be left that I can’t trust her with anything else is a terrible feeling.
 
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I very much understand, in fact if I were in your shoes I’d likely consider preemptively telling my husband “I needed someone to vent to, vented to my sister. Learned a hard lesson and will never speak to her in confidence again.”
 
I’m not excusing your sister’s behavior, just pointing out that when you tell a married person something in confidence, there’s a significant risk that they will tell their spouse, even if they’ve promised not to tell a soul.

I agree with TheLittleLady that a paid counselor is really the best bet for keeping a secret, because they’re bound by professional ethics not to be telling your secrets.
 
Thank you for your (name removed by moderator)ut. Lesson learned the hard way for me. When someone tends to be idealistic like I am, It hits home hard because I, in return have never said anything she’s told me in confidence to anyone and I’ve even indirectly told her to be careful what she tells my mom because she’s just like her that can’t keep a secret. I hear all about my sister all the time which is why I didn’t got talk to my mom in the first place. Being sort of idealistic, I see how the world, in my opinion could be a better place but can’t change others so having to deal with that within myself.
 
Except in rare circumstances, I do not think spouses should keep secrets from each other. Your sister was wrong to tell you she’d keep something secret, then share it with her husband (she should have refused to keep the secret upfront), but you were wrong to vent about your husband to your sister. You should NOT be discussing disagreements about childrearing with your family of origin! Journal if you need to “clear your head,” then go and work things out with your husband.
 
If someone said they were going to tell me something, and asked me not to tell my husband, I’d probably ask them not to tell me. Your sister should not have promised she wouldn’t and then done it anyway- that is wrong of her. But I also think it’s wrong to ask someone to keep a secret from their spouse- unless someone is in danger or something.

In general I also think it’s a bad idea to confide in family members about marital issues. If there is a problem big enough that it needs to be addressed, it should be brought up with a counselor. I do not say anything about my husband to anyone else that I wouldn’t say straight to his face. He needs to be able to trust me, and it wouldn’t be fair of me to put him in a poor light with my family because I was upset and frustrated about something. I expect the same of him- he doesn’t need to be talking to his parents or siblings about our marriage.
 
You have every right to be upset with your sister. But, keep in mind, she’s a fallible human being-as we all are. Did she tell her husband, knowing or suspecting that he would want to talk to you about your problem? He may be a ‘controller’ and, it’s hard for such a person to keep quiet about a confidence…and, for a controller’s spouse to keep anything from him/her.

Start working on forgiving your sister. But, be very careful what you confide to her in the future. You don’t have to behave as if the incident never happened. You learned a lesson…now, use what you learned!
 
I don’t have any secrets from my husband about me , but I don’t run to him with secrets other people have told me, like if a friend vents about their marriage and they also happen to be couple-friends with us.
I have another friend who confided she was sexually abused by her brother when she was a child. I didn’t tell DH. I didn’t see a point in telling him.
I guess everybody has their own ideas about what constitutes a secret .
 
Yes. Exactly. Glad to hear there are people who understand my way of thinking. Thank you.
 
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