Secret Keeping Ettiquette

[graciew]

To be left that I can’t trust her with anything else is a terrible feeling.

Try and look at it this way: there are friends with whom we love to go to the movies, other friends who are great to have very elaborate or intellectual conversations with, some friends are excellent listeners, others great to have fun with, and each has a gift that adds in us,but not necessarily and quite exceptionally we find one friend who has all these characteristics.
So we learn not to expect what another person cannot give ,sometimes by making mistakes. As it happens to others with us ourselves…Count on your sister for those things you know you can count on, and now try and forgive and forget,and get over this situation.
After 31 years marriage, I would say we all go through a bit of rough weather sometimes,so no one with a bit of experience would really be surprised that weather isn’t t always sunny and bright within a marriage.
Ask Mary to help you leave this behind and remember next time to bite your tongue before telling your sister a secret but still you can both do all those great things you may do together with the usual love .

Peace…

 

[Allegra]

I would probably not expect anyone to keep anything I said secret from their spouse, as a general rule. I would feel uncomfortable if someone asked me to keep secrets from my husband. If they asked me to not say something to my husband, I would probably ask them not to tell me. In this case, I probably wouldn’t even tell my husband anyway, since it doesn’t really pertain to him, but I just don’t like the idea.

 

[graciew]

We have friends who have also been married for a long time. He is very funny and sincere. He very openly says that if there is something he cannot tell anybody about, then please do not tell him because he forgets!
Two weeks ago we went in a four day trip with our family. I planned it in absolute secret. Just asked each one after coordinating dates ,to book from this date to that date and put this sort of clothing in the suitcase and carry this and that sort of documentation. Period. It was a special gift for my husband’s birthday. He pestered me and tried to find out where we were going. He doesn’t t like “ not to know”. I resisted .
We had the best time ever and he was as grateful as he could be.
We build our marriages and families with those ingredients we learn to use with patience,time and a lot of God’s help.Mistakes included

 

[maryjk]

If you had asked me not to share something with my husband, I would have asked you to not share it with me. Whether I tell my husband or not, is up to me. Period.

Now you know that she will share with her husband, and your mother, whatever you tell her. So, now it is time to find someone else in your life to listen to you when you vent.

 

[Hoosier-Daddy]

It’s pretty common knowledge that if you tell me something I’ll tell my wife. Those who choose to tell me something know this. But if they were to say dont tell your wife I’d, tell them they are welcome to continue to tell me something but it will be shared with my wife.

 

[Psalm30]

Journal if you need to “clear your head,” then go and work things out with your husband.

Or go to someone who is neutral, like a priest or counselor, preferably one who doesn’t know your husband. Though such a person is not necessarily readily available at all times.

I would think anonymous message boards such as this would be a good place to “vent” and ask for advice.

 

[heidi_storage]

Mmmm, I don’t know about posting here for advice; I think we can give some pretty destructive advice sometimes. And it’s a bad idea to post something that the spouse might object to if he or she saw it–that could cause some deep problems.

 

[Psalm30]

Mmmm, I don’t know about posting here for advice; I think we can give some pretty destructive advice sometimes. And it’s a bad idea to post something that the spouse might object to if he or she saw it–that could cause some deep problems.

Ok.

My main point is you shouldn’t discuss spousal issues with extended family members. If you have to talk about it with someone, it should be someone your spouse doesn’t have a social relationship with.

 

[Allegra]

This is very good advice. Even if the person you are discussing it with is really good with that kind of issue, it creates somewhat of a “conflict of interest” scenario when they are a family. It’s better to find a confidant outside of the family.