Secret within Marriage

[smach]

A recent question on the Ask an Apologist board sparked a debate. I don’t know if there is a definitive answer to this. If there is, could sombody cite a source. If not, I’d just like some opinions to add to the discussion.

Here goes: When must secrets be divulged within a marriage? The actual context is this: Say a wife has indulged in a fantasy about another man, or a husband smokes at work even though he’s told his wife he quit. Do secrets such as these need to be admitted to the other partner. I’m not asking whether or not they should be, but rather if it is mandated by the Church. A quick follow up question: If admission to these transgressions is the penance assigned by the priest during confession, does the confessing party loose absolution if they still fail to 'fess up to their partner.

Thank you all for your (name removed by moderator)ut.

 

[CentralFLJames]

On the latter part of the question I don’t think not performing penance effects absolution. Absolution is given in the confessional and the penance is to help remit temporal debts and overcome tendencies to repeat it. But I don’t think that in this case the deed is penance but rather tied to justice and is intended to be remedial - just like returning stolen money. That is not really penance but more along the lines of doing the right thing for justice sake.

I don’t know of specific moral teachings on what needs to be divulged in a marriage for venial acts. One does not give up all rights to privacy in marriage. But the things you mention seem so trivial I would hope that your marriage was open enough to be able to speak frank about these sorts of things since that is part of marriage - helping each other deal with things that are bothering them and communicating. Unity in marriage implies that one is constructive in their relationship and reparative; but that does not imply that one need to reopen old wounds just to get over guilt feelings. Nor does it mean that every private and transient thought need be revealed - we are human afterall.

I am sorry I can not give you something more concrete to go on. By and large its a judgement call and only you can know if more harm is done by divulging every little thing. If there was a “close call” situation where you almost succumbed to temptation I would tend to advise making up for it by being extra specially nice to your spouse and reflect on the good things and be thankful for what you have. One never knows when it could all be taken away. With that I’d say there is probably a greater good and more to be gained by just re-bonding in the relationship and being extra nice and kind and appreciative and let dead dogs lie. On the other hand if you have a recurring problem you need to address it in one way or another; counseling or frank discussion - but frame it in a positive light.

James

 

[puzzleannie]

there is no specific teaching on what must be divulged between spouses, except that which might invalidate the marriage. for instance, withholding facts about a previous marriage, antecedent impotence, mental instability for instance.

But there is no teaching about revealing “secrets” as such and a priest’s advice in confession would be just that, advice. In fact a priest cannot order a penitent to do anything that would reveal the contents of confession that violates the seal. He could withhold absolution as long as the penitent is not contrite and exhibits no intention to cease the sin, and part of ending the sin could require revealing it. If a father were abusing his child absolution could be withheld unless and until he stops that behavior, and part of stopping it might require that he turn himself in and face the legal consequences of his action, and in the process of course reveal the behavior to his wife and authorities.

but there is no teaching on what “openness in marriage” consists of, which is the topic of the AAA question, which is not about a secret that affects the marriage and family, but the opposite, the wife in question refused to tell her husband about something confidential about her work. There is not even a requirement to tell your spouse about a past indescretion or sin that is long over and done with and absolved. Advice to do so, or not to due so, would be based on prudence and whether or not their would be a positive good in so doing, not on a specific church commandment.

suppose a spouse is involved in a current adultery, two different priests might give different advice on what to tell, how, and when, but it would be based on their judgement of the specific situation, not on a church law. A priest might urge the spouse to tell his wife because of the need to be tested for STD for instance. In any case failure to perform the penance does not make the confession invalid, and absolution is not conditional, it is absolute, as the name implies.

 

[SonofMonica]

These replies are good, and you should listen to them. An old adage goes, “always tell the truth, but don’t always be telling it.” For example, if your fantasies are uncontrollable or nonconstructive, I don’t see any reason to share them with your spouse. That would not be edifying to her, and she does not deserve that. There’s no fast rule here except love your wife as God loves the Church. Christ would not tell us anything that might cause us harm or cause the marriage between himself and the Church to suffer. If I shared every thought that ran through my head to my wife, I would not be married.

 

[smach]

If I shared every thought that ran through my head to my wife, I would not be married.

And ain’t that the truth.

 

[smach]

Thank you all for the answers. Like I said, this was more of a philosophical debate as opposed to actual examples, but I did not know if there was an offical teaching or not. Thanks all for the (name removed by moderator)ut.

God bless.