Secrets best left untold?

[odile53]

Genetic testing is not cheap. I agree if if were not for this part, keeping it quiet would be best.

Well, no one said it was cheap. But for adult adoptees, who are apparently healthy, and who were in a closed adoption, and who really express a desire to know about their genetic predispositions, it could be an alternative that might be worth discussing with their own MD, who might be able to get it approved via their health insurance.

Usually, adoptees know what the ethnic/national background of at least their biologic mothers was. There are a few ethnic groups that have some comparatively rare genetic disorders, and an adoptee who is a member of one of those groups might want to consider it.

It’s a two-edged sword, though: Having a genetic disorder gene, and then developing the actual disease, might make some unscrupulous insurance companies deny coverage based on “pre-existing condition.”

 

[paulrus]

I have some personal experience with this. A few months before my grandmother died, she told my father that her husband (his father, as far as he knew) was not his biological father. Apparently she had been dating two different men and got pregnant. One of them offered to marry her and she accepted. It’s not clear if he knew at the time of the marriage that the child wasn’t his, but he found out eventually and had apparently known for a long time when my dad found out. His biological father was already dead (though was someone my dad had been acquainted with - small town and all that) and the father who raised him (I’ll refer to him as my grandfather from now on) was still alive. My dad had been suspicious for many years, but had always put aside any doubts.

The results were mixed. My dad made efforts to connect with his 3 new-found half-siblings, who he had actually known growing up and gone to school with (again, small town). Two of them still live in the same town and my dad is now very close with his “new” brothers. They were all very welcoming and, as it turned out, their own father had told them about the situation nearly 20 years earlier and they had been biting their tongues every time they ran into my dad at restaurants, the barber shop, high school football games, etc. Their mother was still alive though, and I think she felt uncomfortable when they started to invite my parents over for family events.

Although my dad hit it off with his new siblings, this caused problems with his old siblings, who now felt they were somehow being put aside, and to some extent they had a point. And it caused very big problems between my dad and my grandfather. When my dad confronted him about it, my grandfather was in a bad emotional state (his wife was dying) and the resurfacing of the issue and all the surrounding emotions caused him to say some pretty awful things about my grandmother. He apologized at a later point, but the damage was done, and my father and grandfather, despite not being biologically related, share the trait of stubbornness. They hardly spoke to each other for the next 5 years and didn’t reconcile until just a few weeks before my grandfather himself died.

I was only a marginal player in all this, but my wife and I were affected as well. Because of my dad’s feuding with his old siblings, we stopped getting invited to family holiday parties and I lost contact with those aunts, uncles, and cousins for several years. Many of them didn’t come to our wedding because of their problems with my dad. I still made a point to see my grandfather whenever I was back in town, though I knew my dad didn’t approve. Fortunately, my wife and I happened to be back in town just six days before my grandfather died and we had a wonderful visit with him for several hours. We commented on the drive home that we both thought it would be the last time we saw him, and sure enough we got the call a week later.

Anyway, I guess the point of this long story is to be prepared for A LOT of fallout if this secret is ever revealed. Some of it might actually be good, but much of it probably won’t.

 

[nute]

I know my biological parents and they know theirs and I can probably trace all the way back to royalty in England.

So what. Okay, I should pretend that my dad isn’t my bio dad and think about this a bit.

What is so bad about knowing your biological dad?

Say that he was a boyfriend where your mom and him got too hot one night. If he’s a good man, I should probably know him as my bio dad and have a face to face meeting. Okay, case two is that bio dad raped bio mom. Not as appealing a person, but what if I’m very different from my siblings and don’t know why or suspect the reason why for most of my life? First thought, I’d be happy to be alive. Abortion is often pushed in cases of rape/incest. A child is innocent of his/her parents’ sins, except for original sin. Dicey. If bio father is a rapist that doesn’t mean that I am a rapist. I guess the answer, if bio mom is a good and decent woman, discuss with her what bio dad is like and whether or not a meeting is even a safe proposition. If the man is dangerous and not in prison, don’t visit him obviously. Not knowing bio-dad means you may not know half siblings. Family history is lost or skewed, not that our family history is ultimately that important in the large scheme of things. Knowing bio-dad face to face may be a bad idea, but this is something bio-mom should discuss with you. It is important to know who bio-dad really
is as this may reveal that the good looking gal next door is your half sister which you really need to know before you try to propose to her.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

I believe that family secrets shoud stay secrets when the only outcome would be a lot of hurt for those involved. And that is what it looks like from what the OP has described. If the father who raised the child needs to get it off his chest for whatever reason, he should speak to a priest instead rather than burden his child with the information. (A psychologist could do the same for a non Catholic/non religious person.) Our burdens are our own, others don’t deserve to suffer because we can’t handle them.

 

[Eleanor61]

I believe that family secrets shoud stay secrets when the only outcome would be a lot of hurt for those involved. And that is what it looks like from what the OP has described. If the father who raised the child needs to get it off his chest for whatever reason, he should speak to a priest instead rather than burden his child with the information. (A psychologist could do the same for a non Catholic/non religious person.) Our burdens are our own, others don’t deserve to suffer because we can’t handle them.

This is absolutely the best advice, and I am speaking as a person with unfortunately way too much experience on this topic. My legal father never let on that he knew, and my husband, older children, and myself still miss the blessing of his presence in our lives. My adulterous mother? Well, to say her death was a relief would be an understatement. She firmly believed in dumping every minor inconvenience let alone major burdens on others. My sisters were made to lie and cover up for her from the time they were 11 and 12. The adulterous affair lasted 40 years, until his death, I was never acknowledged by him as his daughter, and he left an estate worth millions of dollars. Nothing to his partner in crime either, she lived off the large social security provided by the husband she cuckolded. Dad worked until he was 71 so it was ample.

 

[filiaecclesia]

Did I read early in the thread that the adult child’s mother DOES NOT want the secret revealed? I think this should trump the current feelings of her husband. They raised “their” child to adulthood, and now they will continue their lives together. It could cause unnecessary pain to the mother if her husband revealed this unilaterally.

I agree that he should have a talk with his pastor and unburden himself there. Then realize the gift God gave to him: the privilege of raising the child as father.

All good.

 

[Litcrit]

I firmly believe the (now adult!) child has the right to information pertaining his own identity.

 

[chevalier]

I would like some advise about a situation that keeps crossing my mind. It has nothing to do with me personally but I do wonder what others may think of it. Without getting into details. Say a situation in which a mother and father never told their child who his real father really was. For whatever reason I could say based on fear of telling the truth and facing rejection, would it ever be best not to say anything to this now adult child? I know someone who is faced with this sad situation and really wants to get this truth off his shoulders but some are saying its a bad idea and it would cause more damage than what is already done. The real father is still alive and never wanted anything to do with the child so it just turned into a life long secret. I know it sounds like a something out of a soup opera but what are your thoughts on it. Please pray for all involved if possible.

Offering my prayers. I am personally of the view of saying the truth as opposed to keeping such secrets, let alone lying to cover up for them. There is always a lot of advice in support of not telling, it expounds the advantages of that, but it fails to address the potential lies involved. Old saints used to believe it was better to give someone a heart attack with hard truth rather than tell him a white lie to spare him that.

However, I don’t know how I would act. I know I wouldn’t lie but I don’t know how far I’d be ready to go with volunteering information on the one side or dodging questions on the other side. It’s easy to tell but far less easy to undo the damage, for sure. Which is not a conclusive argument for not telling but an argument for being prudent about it.

 

[marymary1975]

I have a cousin who was in a similar situation. Her mother had an affair and got pregnant with her and my aunt told her husband the child was his. My cousin grew up her entire life thinking her mother’s husband was her father. Given that the only two people who knew the truth were my aunt and the bio father, my aunt never, not in her craziest dreams, thought of the possibility that the truth was going to come out ever. Unfortunately, lies can come to bite back at you when least expected and when my cousin got pregnant at 35 and went to get some blood and genetic tests she found out it was imposible for “dad” to be her real dad. My cousin was furious over this and to this day she doesn’t speak to my aunt and this secret disrupted the entire family. I really don’t have any suggestions but from my experience these things are time bombs waiting to explode especially since it appears that a few people already know the truth. It is possible that this man had already had suspicious thoughts? You never know how he can find out the truth and given that there is someone with the itch to talk, again this looks like a time bomb. Unfortunately the only thing here is to pray.

 

[marymary1975]

I have a cousin who was in a similar situation. Her mother had an affair and got pregnant with her and my aunt told her husband the child was his. My cousin grew up her entire life thinking her mother’s husband was her father. Given that the only two people who knew the truth were my aunt and the bio father, my aunt never, not in her craziest dreams, thought of the possibility that the truth was going to come out ever. Unfortunately, lies can come to bite back at you when least expected and when my cousin got pregnant at 35 and went to get some blood and genetic tests she found out it was imposible for “dad” to be her real dad. My cousin was furious over this and to this day she doesn’t speak to my aunt and this secret disrupted the entire family. I really don’t have any suggestions but from my experience these things are time bombs waiting to explode especially since it appears that a few people already know the truth. It is possible that this man had already had suspicious thoughts? You never know how he can find out the truth and given that there is someone with the itch to talk, again this looks like a time bomb. Unfortunately the only thing here is to pray.