B
bell1011
Guest
Hi,
I am a long time reader of this site and a first time poster. I’ve never posted anything like this, but I am at the end of my rope and I have read some really good pieces of advice on this site in other threads.
It’s my marriage, it’s ready to fall over a cliff.
To explain you all need some back story. I am the wife and mother here, married almost 7 years now. I met my husband when I was 19 and he was wonderful. He came from a broken family with a multitude of VERY serious issues that I cannot even begin to explain and had a horrible childhood. When I got to know him all I could think was wow his family has been so terrible, yet he turned away from it all, strived to do the right thing and became a devout Catholic all on his own accord. Our engagement and wedding was pure bliss.
Then literally the honeymoon ended and things went sour. His business failed and money was nonexistent and I was pregnant (as we planned and always wanted a big family). However, without a reliable income he went crazy for lack of a better word. Yelling, cursing, throwing things, punching walls, blaming me and calling me names all while I cowered and cried over a little baby - it was a nightmare. I came so close to leaving, it was only because I was pregnant again that I stayed those first two years of marriage. I began to really wonder if he was mentally stable, as when I was in labor with our 2nd child and he was driving me to the birth center, he wanted ME the laboring woman (and I was like 8cm in the car, feeling the urge to push) to call his parents to let them know I was in labor. When I refused he threatened to throw his cell phone out the window and actually rolled down the window and stuck out his phone. I was so confused and sad, I did not know who in their right mind would do that. That incident is one (of many many more) that really sticks out in my mind.
But things got better. He got a job and was somewhat stable again. We were able to buy a house and start getting ahead financially. We had 2 more kids as well and I thought things were good. However, money was still a HUGE topic of disagreement. He keeps excruciatingly close track of all credit card and debit transactions and each night goes over them meticulously. He would regularly berate me for spending too much money on groceries and threaten to take away all his credit cards from my disposal (which would leave me with nothing as I am a stay at home mom). However, I thought to myself he’s really careful with money because of all the financial struggle we’d been through, but I was also at a loss because I am very frugal too (always buy second hand clothes/shoes and I have to buy food!). But I dealt with this pretty well considering
Then he got a new boss who was not kind at work and things got really bad again. Yelling, screaming, threats you name it. We painted our son’s room one Spring and I did not do the greatest job painting the ceiling getting a few marks of paint on the edges and he literally lost it on me again. Yelling and cursing me and slamming a curtain rod down right next to me. Again that day I almost left. He said sorry and I came back – also because I really had no where to go. Shortly after that I confronted him about something I had suspected over the past few months - porn. He looked me in the eye and denied it. A couple weeks later I guess his guilty conscious got the best of him and he said he was looking at porn. What shocked me was that he’d been looking at porn since our first year of marriage! I had no idea in the early years and was devastated by this because early on in our marriage I tried so hard to please him and be the best wife and mom I could be. It felt like I was always reaching out to him and he just was not there…now after all these years I knew why and it hurt.
I come from a broken home too and really have nowhere to turn which is a whole other story. His mother is also constantly saying bad things about me to him (my housework isn’t up to par etc) and it’s a big dividing issue. So I decided that I needed to get a skill in order to support us since this marriage probably was not going to work out and I had 4 kids. I know if I leave he will quit his job and maybe even kill himself (he’s threatened that multiple times when I have talked about how bad things are - something else that made me question his mental stability and frightens me!). So I am half way through nursing school (I go part time in the evenings after he gets home from work). He is a big supporter of me going, because in his mind it means more $ if I work part time when I graduate.
He does not know that I went to nursing school in the first place partly as a way to be financially independent from him so I can leave if need be. I reasoned to myself that I will see how things go while through school and I hope and pray it turns around. Just so everyone knows … I’ve talked to him EXTENSIVELY about how I feel and all of the above, I don’t hold things inside and that’s the only reason we’ve lasted this long. The problem is he does not see porn as a big deal and he expects us to live off rice and beans (even though he makes over 100K a year, he is obsessed with saving money)…and his anger/temper over the smallest of things is out of control.
I love him but I don’t think I can stand it. Last week he was shouting and cursing over me about the $200 I spent on groceries while our 6 year old daughter cried and covered her ears in the corner. I asked him to stop and he refused. Often when he comes home from work he is extremely angry about something small and I have anxiety when I hear him coming in. Tonight I am terrified he’s going to check our transactions online and flip out that I had to buy groceries twice this week. … I don’t want to be alone, but I know I can’t raise my children in this environment.
I am a long time reader of this site and a first time poster. I’ve never posted anything like this, but I am at the end of my rope and I have read some really good pieces of advice on this site in other threads.
It’s my marriage, it’s ready to fall over a cliff.
To explain you all need some back story. I am the wife and mother here, married almost 7 years now. I met my husband when I was 19 and he was wonderful. He came from a broken family with a multitude of VERY serious issues that I cannot even begin to explain and had a horrible childhood. When I got to know him all I could think was wow his family has been so terrible, yet he turned away from it all, strived to do the right thing and became a devout Catholic all on his own accord. Our engagement and wedding was pure bliss.
Then literally the honeymoon ended and things went sour. His business failed and money was nonexistent and I was pregnant (as we planned and always wanted a big family). However, without a reliable income he went crazy for lack of a better word. Yelling, cursing, throwing things, punching walls, blaming me and calling me names all while I cowered and cried over a little baby - it was a nightmare. I came so close to leaving, it was only because I was pregnant again that I stayed those first two years of marriage. I began to really wonder if he was mentally stable, as when I was in labor with our 2nd child and he was driving me to the birth center, he wanted ME the laboring woman (and I was like 8cm in the car, feeling the urge to push) to call his parents to let them know I was in labor. When I refused he threatened to throw his cell phone out the window and actually rolled down the window and stuck out his phone. I was so confused and sad, I did not know who in their right mind would do that. That incident is one (of many many more) that really sticks out in my mind.
But things got better. He got a job and was somewhat stable again. We were able to buy a house and start getting ahead financially. We had 2 more kids as well and I thought things were good. However, money was still a HUGE topic of disagreement. He keeps excruciatingly close track of all credit card and debit transactions and each night goes over them meticulously. He would regularly berate me for spending too much money on groceries and threaten to take away all his credit cards from my disposal (which would leave me with nothing as I am a stay at home mom). However, I thought to myself he’s really careful with money because of all the financial struggle we’d been through, but I was also at a loss because I am very frugal too (always buy second hand clothes/shoes and I have to buy food!). But I dealt with this pretty well considering
Then he got a new boss who was not kind at work and things got really bad again. Yelling, screaming, threats you name it. We painted our son’s room one Spring and I did not do the greatest job painting the ceiling getting a few marks of paint on the edges and he literally lost it on me again. Yelling and cursing me and slamming a curtain rod down right next to me. Again that day I almost left. He said sorry and I came back – also because I really had no where to go. Shortly after that I confronted him about something I had suspected over the past few months - porn. He looked me in the eye and denied it. A couple weeks later I guess his guilty conscious got the best of him and he said he was looking at porn. What shocked me was that he’d been looking at porn since our first year of marriage! I had no idea in the early years and was devastated by this because early on in our marriage I tried so hard to please him and be the best wife and mom I could be. It felt like I was always reaching out to him and he just was not there…now after all these years I knew why and it hurt.
I come from a broken home too and really have nowhere to turn which is a whole other story. His mother is also constantly saying bad things about me to him (my housework isn’t up to par etc) and it’s a big dividing issue. So I decided that I needed to get a skill in order to support us since this marriage probably was not going to work out and I had 4 kids. I know if I leave he will quit his job and maybe even kill himself (he’s threatened that multiple times when I have talked about how bad things are - something else that made me question his mental stability and frightens me!). So I am half way through nursing school (I go part time in the evenings after he gets home from work). He is a big supporter of me going, because in his mind it means more $ if I work part time when I graduate.
He does not know that I went to nursing school in the first place partly as a way to be financially independent from him so I can leave if need be. I reasoned to myself that I will see how things go while through school and I hope and pray it turns around. Just so everyone knows … I’ve talked to him EXTENSIVELY about how I feel and all of the above, I don’t hold things inside and that’s the only reason we’ve lasted this long. The problem is he does not see porn as a big deal and he expects us to live off rice and beans (even though he makes over 100K a year, he is obsessed with saving money)…and his anger/temper over the smallest of things is out of control.
I love him but I don’t think I can stand it. Last week he was shouting and cursing over me about the $200 I spent on groceries while our 6 year old daughter cried and covered her ears in the corner. I asked him to stop and he refused. Often when he comes home from work he is extremely angry about something small and I have anxiety when I hear him coming in. Tonight I am terrified he’s going to check our transactions online and flip out that I had to buy groceries twice this week. … I don’t want to be alone, but I know I can’t raise my children in this environment.