Seeking advice - Marriage falling apart

[Xantippe]

With regard to emergency money, I would suggest finding a place that your husband doesn’t normally look in the car and keeping a couple of $20s there. For instance, I always keep a stroller in the trunk of our car. The stroller happens to have a number of zipper pockets. Put $40 in a place like that for a rainy day so that in an emergency, you wouldn’t have to go home for your stash.

If he should happen to come across it, “I wanted to make sure that if there was some sort of emergency, there’s always a little money in the car/stroller so I don’t wind up stranded in the middle of nowhere with the kids, not able to feed them or get a ride home,” is a reasonable explanation. In fact, when dealing with a normal person, a single twenty tucked into a pocket or compartment really wouldn’t require any explanation at all.

 

[Giggly_Giraffe]

Praying for your safety. It’s so hard to be so emotionally beat down and do what is right.

I am very thankful for all the help and resources available to women in these horrible family dynamics. I pray our culture will do more to cure the men afflicted with abusing their domination in the family. Even when we save a woman and children with abuse shelters, we allow another innocent lamb to be captured and abusivly dominated by the man who never graduated to the next level. Dear God, help us mold men and remold men gone astray for the good of all families. amen

 

[Galbin]

I am so sorry. Your post is terrifying to read.

What you are describing is physical and psychological abuse. For your own sake and for your children (who should not be seeing this, as they will likely grow up thinking it is ok and normal) you need to get away ASAP. Others have suggested contacting a domestic violence hotline or womens’ shelter for help. This is a good idea. Do that ASAP. You should also consult with a good family attorney, ideally one who respects your faith. Hotlines and shelters are sometimes able to help you find resources of this kind.

If you go back to him (big IF) do not return to him until he has (a) gotten counseling and (b) demonstrated for at least two years in a row, if not longer, that he has his anger issues under control. Be absolutely sure about this. I seriously doubt he “went crazy” as soon as he experienced job stress and then suddenly turned into who he is now. It seems likely that, in classic abuser fashion, he was able to pretend to be a great guy well enough and long enough to fool you while you were dating, and then his true colors came out after the honeymoon was over.

You do not deserve to be treated this way, no matter what he or his mother say about you, and your marriage vows do not obligate you to take abuse. You have the right to protect yourself and to protect your children from witnessing this kind of behavior in their father.

I will pray for you.

I used to work with DV victims, and LittleRoses post is spot on. His behaviour before marriage was classic abuser. He was basically grooming you. I agree that you should contact a DV organisation and not return unless he has shown large changes over a period of years, not months.

I am so sorry you are going through this.

 

[ynotzap]

Your husband needs psychiatric healing, and spiritual healing, they work together. From your description of his background I can see a suppressed anger, and insecurity, and anxiety. As long as he can control the situation ( which gives him security) he can cope, but let something unforseen enter such as a loss of job, he looses control, he can’t cope, and experiences frustration. He then takes this frustration out on you. All your reasoning and loving treatment can’t heal the riff. Also he needs spiritual moral help which can only come from Jesus Christ. It appears he doesn’t have this relationship. He needs Christ in his life. Others have given you good suggestions. We will pray for you, this is not an uncommon situation, I know others have suffered the same thing. Much of it comes from a fractured family, if there is no Jesus in the family, there is no real peace and love. Others may tell you different don’t believe it. We are all sinners in need of salvation. God bless you, and help you, and your husband.