Seeking advice on what to do regarding a friend who is cheating with someone's husband

[RachaelRene]

A very good friend of mine has once agian become involved with a married man. This married man she was involved with several years ago which resulted in a child. She is now divorced and has stood by me through difficult issues I have had. I am new to the catholic faith only being baptized over a year ago. Our priest says we are not to support this way of life. So does any one have any advise as to what I should do? I have told her politely that I do not approve of what she’s doing, but I do not want to hurt her feelings either because she has been such a good friend. Is it wrong to just ignore the situation? Anyone have any advice on what the right thing to do is?

Thanks
God Bless
RachaelRene

 

[Jea9]

Hi RachaelRene,
I’m not sure this will help, but being new to the Faith also, and being surrounded by family members who continuously make poor choices I can sympathize. The way that I handle this is to let them know that I love them, but that I can’t and won’t condone behavior that does not follow the Church’s teachings. Love the person, hate the sin
It is very hard though…so my prayers are with you!
Jea9

 

[kage_ar]

Be a friend, be caring and loving - remember, she WILL be hurt in this relationship, and she will need a woman of faith when that time comes.

You can be a friend and love her without supporting the “relationship”, no chatty girl talk about him and what they did and plans, NO never ever covering for her, no babysitting so she can see him… Love the person but do not support the sin.

And pray for her every day.

 

[rosebud96]

Hi,

I am sorry that you are in this difficult situation. But, being a woman trying to put her life back together after a “supposed” emotional affair, I have to say you should advise her to tell the cheating husband to “call me never”. No good, for anyone, comes from an affair and she is responsible for her part in this dreadful situation. In the long run she will be better off to turn away now and not be available to him. She is making things easy for him and it is not right that he should be able to mess with both these women’s heads and hearts. She has the power to force him to own up to his problems and face what he is doing. Married is unavailble and if he wants to be available then he needs to figure out what is right for him and his faith.
I don’t condone divorce which is why I am trying to put my life together after my husbands’ affair. And believe me, I am hurting beyond belief. I can not express how painful it is to be the wife of a man that let himself develop feelings for another woman. And so I say, married is unavailable. My husband made a comittment to me a long time before the OW came along, we vowed 'til death do us part. We have been together 20 years 14 of them married…for better or worse. I sound like I own him or something and I don’t want to sound like that but we have a life together, we have 4 children…we have 4 children and I don’t think that means anything to anyone anymore. The OW knew that, she knows…she has responsibility for her actions.
We had a good marriage, of course it was not perfect but life is not perfect. If the OW had made herself unavailable to my husband…then who knows. Maybe someone else would have come along, maybe not…maybe he would have woken up to what was doing before he hurt me.
He is still here and this is where he wants to be; but it is going to be a long time before I heal from this. His decisions hurt me to the core and it hurts him to see what he did to me.

This is a little glimps of life from this side of an affair…do with it what you feel in your heart is right and may God Bless you and yours.

 

[ms_cilantro]

If you were the man’s wife what would she want you to do?
What about this woman’s feelings?
Nice is not a virtue.
Your friend deserves better than someone else’s husband.
If you knew your friend was ingesting poison you probably wouldn’t worry about hurting her feelings. You would insist she get help.
Insist she gets help. This relationship is poisonous.
Ms. Cilantro

 

[nurseryworker]

I’ve actually been in this situation. I was a friend of someone who began dating a married man. I repeatedly told her she was worth more than being his sloppy seconds. I asked her how could she trust a man who vowed fidelity until death to another woman. I rebutted all the usual excuses. His wife doesn’t understand him, she said. Well, how is she supposed to understand him when he is out discussing his problems with you instead of at home and to his wife, I would reply. His wife is ok with it, she said. Really? Then why not invite them both over for tea and discuss it, I would reply. I kept telling her that she had so much going for her. Why would she permit a man to disrespect her like that?

She did end up ending it. The friendship was strained and distant afterwards for a while. We managed to patch things up between us for a while but it was never the same and we have since drifted apart. I handled it the way I thought best at the time. It sounds a lot more in your face here since it’s concentrated in a post but this occurred over a few months time. I just wouldn’t let the tired excuses pass and tried to get her to think about her dignity and worth as a woman and how this man wasn’t respectful of that.

I guess that’s my advice is to focus on her worth as a person and try to get her to see how this man is just selfishly using her.

NW

 

[whatevergirl]

A very good friend of mine has once agian become involved with a married man. This married man she was involved with several years ago which resulted in a child. She is now divorced and has stood by me through difficult issues I have had. I am new to the catholic faith only being baptized over a year ago. Our priest says we are not to support this way of life. So does any one have any advise as to what I should do? I have told her politely that I do not approve of what she’s doing, but I do not want to hurt her feelings either because she has been such a good friend. Is it wrong to just ignore the situation? Anyone have any advice on what the right thing to do is?

Thanks
God Bless
RachaelRene

My sister was involved in an identical situation not too long ago. I kept praying that God would pull her out of her mortal sin. Really, that is what I did…over and over…daily. (well, not all day long lol) I also shared with my sister that she will get hurt. And something that stuck with my sister, was that I told her “God will never tell us to do something against His commandments or Word.” Took her some time, but she got it.

I think that if you just ‘plant subtle seeds,’ you two will see God do the rest. You can only do so much, but little is enough, when God is involved! Good luck.

 

[Robaynne]

It seems to me that your friend did not learn her lesson the first time when she got involved with a married man. If these married men can cheat on their own wives what gaurantee does the Other Women have that this man is not going to do the same thing to her. Married men don’t just leave their wives just like that over night. Why would a women even want to be a Mistress. At the end of the day that man goes home to his wife.

It has been 2 years since I kicked my husband out of our home when I found out that he was cheating on me with a 19 year old girl and a drug addict.He is now 35 years old and I am 33 years old we have two kids a boy 9 and girl 6 years old. That poor girl still has alot to learn a tiger never changes his spots. I was married for 12 years to this man he was physically abusive, emotionally abusive, jealous and possessive she things that she is getting a treasure shame poor her, he will show his true colours sooner than she things.

If you are not comfortable been around this friend of yours that is busy with a married man then I think that you should be very honest with her. You do not owe her anything yes she was there for you during tough times but that does not mean that you should over look that she is doing wrong. Adultery is a sin. I have lost alot of friends when I decided that I wanted to change my life and not do the things that I used to. But sometimes we need to let go of those things that are not good for us. I had a very good friend she was there for me during the whole affair my husband was having. She was there when I tried to commit suicide she was there to help me pick up the pieces. But things changed between us becoz I had made the decision to follow a religious path and not drink, party etc. She became judgemental against me and my beliefs and did not respect me so I cut her out my life.

I had another friend who got involved with a married man and got herself pregnant from this very much older guy. I was honest with her and told her that this man is never going to leave his wife for her. And this is wrong what she is doing. That I am not been judgemental but she just needs to except that she made a mistake and put an end to the relationship now. I also said that look what it did to me when I found out that my ex cheated on me and it was even worse when I found out that she was pregnant. She was angry with me and said some hurtful things and did not want to speak to me.

You are trying to make changes in your life and follow a religious path. I am talking from experience it is not a easy path as there will be alot of obsticles that will block you but be strong and firm. Adultery is a sin no matter how you look at it. And it is obviously affecting you and you are not comfortable with it.

I have also learnt that there are people in your life for certain reasons. There are those friends who are there for a short period of time and those for a season and others for a lifetime. But hang in there you will get the answers that you need.

 

[AmberDale]

Hi there. My what a pickle some people put themselves into.

My best friend got married about 8 months ago. She was a single parent for 7 years (kid out of wedlock) and then found this man who was her life. Well come to find out, she wasn’t his life. He never once cheated on her, but it wasn’t the life she wanted. He would spend a LOT of time on the computer and do things that she didn’t approve (smoked weed).
Thing is, she knew he did these things before they got married.

So a few months ago, she got pregnant. He was so happy and wanted to change his life.
Well they ended up splitting up for a few weeks. I think he got angry because he was going through withdraw.

Okay so she ended up having a miscarriage, it was all very sad. Very devasting for her. More so for him, wanna know why? She finally told him the baby wasn’t his.

Okay so as her best friend I was furious. I knew she was hanging out with this other guy (a guy we all used to be friends with when we were teens), she said she was only friends with him.
I believed her, because I am naive to think she would have done such a thing.

So when she finally told me the truth I told her what I thought, straight from my heart and I believe from the Holy Spirit.

I said “I do not approve of that relationship”. She was staying with him after her and her husband separated. She was contemplating going back to her husband.
I said" I think you need to go back to your husband if he will be so kind as to take you. I think you make a horrible mistake. You said for better and for worse. No matter what problems you were having, nothing gave you the right to committ adultery. That is what you did, you and your lover committed adultery. He is not out of the water either, no he’s not. He should have known better. You both used to go to church (not Catholic) you know the Ten Commandments"

She went back to her husband but they were still considering divorce because it wasn’t easy.
I said “Did you get married to have an easy life? Do you seriously think the marriage is easy? Well you are WRONG, it’s the hardest thing in the world. To give yourself completely to another person. I will love you no matter what you choose, because that’s what I do. BUT I believe you both need to work on your marriage. Find counseling and keep the vows you made”.

There was much more and it was very heartfelt.

As of now, still only 3 weeks later they are workign on it. And going to see what comes.

Tell your friend the truth. Don’t let her be a mistress again. If it ends your friendship, you apparently weren’t as good of friends as you thought.

 

[rachelsusanne]

do not support this.
in fact, your friend sounds very low on moral character. you may want to re-evaluate who you choose to befriend. many times, you are who you hang around. no one is perfect, but this is beyond evil.
i have been in the “wifes” position and it is devastating.
who cares if she is nice? you arent helping her by supporting such a dirty sin.
i would make your opinion clear. in fact, i would have a hard time not confronting this guy myself.

 

[homewardangel]

I don’t know the lady’s situation, but I would like to give her the benefit of the doubt. Most people want to do the right thing, but often the right choices are not there for us.

Have you introduced her to single men that could be for her? I am single and I am very frustrated with this matter. I honestly don’t know many single opposite sex people, and those that I do know I can’t spend time with because they are not good company. And aren’t we supposed to choose our companions well??

Maybe she doesn’t know many single men. Work to introduce her to some, if you know of any. I have a friend that people tell that I should not talk to because we are opposite sex and one person is single and the other is married - but there are just too few good people in the world.

I would not talk to her about her married boyfriend - but I would look for some nice single guys to introduce her too

Terri