Seeking an opinion

[mumto5]

Here’s the situation, and maybe I am being overly scrupulous, but I’d appreciate thoughts on it.

My husband has a friend whose girlfriend became pregnant. The man wanted to marry her and really wanted their child. The girlfriend didn’t and had an abortion. We didn’t know anything about this until after the effect. We did know that she could be pregnant but we assumed that her feelings on the child would have been the same as his. The man was devastated over this and did everything in his power to stop her aborting their baby even offering to take and raise the child himself. The only reason she didn’t want it is her career and her family who told her to ‘get rid of it’.

Anyway, about a month before the abortion, this couple came to visit us. It was the first time we had met her. We had a new baby and I was still carrying a bit of extra baby weight, the house wasn’t messy but it wasn’t as tidy as usual since I’d had a tough birth and couldn’t do much, and we had four other kids running around. I was tired and hadn’t dressed up. The kids had an argument while they were here. Here’s the bit I’m concerned about. Sometimes I wonder if I had made more of an effort to present the family well, made an effort with myself like putting on make-up and a nice dress, made sure the children were more organised and tidy, if it might have helped her decision towards keeping the child. I’m worried I might have inadvertently contributed to her decision by making family life look like a nighmare (she was dressed in business suits, very carefully manicured, etc. ). I really didn’t think that the couple were well suited, knowing him, but that’s beside the point. Do you think I might have scared her as regards motherhood and helped make her decision towards abortion? Sometimes I fear if I’d done things differently, maybe she would have made a different decision.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

mumto5,

this was in no way your fault!!!

She made an evil selfish choice. Anyone who could choose their career over a human life, an innocent human life that is growing inside of them, is not easily influenced by anything other than their feelings.

I am willing to bet that if you had an immaculate house, children better behaved than programmed robots, your hair nails and clothing in perfect fashionable condition, and a 5 course meal on the table she would have found something wrong. After all, staying home with 5 kids is not nearly in the same ballpark as her precious career…

I am glad that you are aware that how you and your family appear to the rest of the world can affect some people’s opinions of SAHMs, large families etc. But not even the worst mother, brattiest kid, or messiest house could ever make me kill my own baby. Please don’t even waste another nanosecond considering that this could in any way be your fault!

Malia

 

[Siena]

I totally agree with Malia.

I will add,

Perhaps remembering seeing your baby just a few weeks before gave her a pause- an opprotunity to reject the idea that she was carring “a clump of cells”, and she dismissed the thought, instead of embracing it. Perhaps the memory of your family will help lead her to healing later on. The “mess” dosn’t matter- the memory of that precious newborn face does!

 

[Courtneyjo]

Dear Mum, this is not your fault! No way on God’s geen earth is this your fault. The girl bought into the lie and was pressured too by her family who bought into the lie. She was selfish and is in for a rough time with years of guilt and regret. Ditto for the guy. That you are not superwoman has no bearing on what this woman and couple did.

 

[1ke]

mumto5:

My husband has a friend whose girlfriend became pregnant. The man wanted to marry her and really wanted their child. The girlfriend didn’t and had an abortion.

Do you think I might have scared her as regards motherhood and helped make her decision towards abortion? Sometimes I fear if I’d done things differently, maybe she would have made a different decision.

No, I don’t think your family visit had anything to do with it. She has likely been to many homes of people with children, seeing things from disaster-zone to neat-as-a-pin. I promise you, you were not a factor.

She stated her career was her focus, and that her family had encouraged her to ‘get rid of it’. That is where this came from, not from you. Many women see 9 months of pregnancy as too “inconvenient” for their career and take the easy way out. Makes me sick.

More importantly, is to be there for the aborted father. It is very important that he get healing, or he could face serious depression and might not be able to form future attachments and marry.

I suggest some post-abortion literature from Easton Publishing/Heritage House from:

www.hh76.com

Get the following brochures: Father No More, Hidden Tears, Steps to Healing

Also get him to a retreat through Rachel’s Vineyard or Project Rachel.

 

[Consecrated]

oh my goodness oh my goodness no no no no!!
Like someone else said, you should hope and pray that her sight of your precious newborn will remain in her memory and lead her to repentance and conversion later on. What a sad thing to hear so soon after having a little one of your own… with postnatal hormones and all.

Also, I agree with 1ke who said that if you and your husband can, you should see what you can do to help the father heal. Rachel’s Vinyard is a very good suggestion.

 

[LSK]

mumto5:

Here’s the situation, and maybe I am being overly scrupulous, but I’d appreciate thoughts on it.

My husband has a friend whose girlfriend became pregnant. The man wanted to marry her and really wanted their child. The girlfriend didn’t and had an abortion. We didn’t know anything about this until after the effect. We did know that she could be pregnant but we assumed that her feelings on the child would have been the same as his. The man was devastated over this and did everything in his power to stop her aborting their baby even offering to take and raise the child himself. The only reason she didn’t want it is her career and her family who told her to ‘get rid of it’.

Anyway, about a month before the abortion, this couple came to visit us. It was the first time we had met her. We had a new baby and I was still carrying a bit of extra baby weight, the house wasn’t messy but it wasn’t as tidy as usual since I’d had a tough birth and couldn’t do much, and we had four other kids running around. I was tired and hadn’t dressed up. The kids had an argument while they were here. Here’s the bit I’m concerned about. Sometimes I wonder if I had made more of an effort to present the family well, made an effort with myself like putting on make-up and a nice dress, made sure the children were more organised and tidy, if it might have helped her decision towards keeping the child. I’m worried I might have inadvertently contributed to her decision by making family life look like a nighmare (she was dressed in business suits, very carefully manicured, etc. ). I really didn’t think that the couple were well suited, knowing him, but that’s beside the point. Do you think I might have scared her as regards motherhood and helped make her decision towards abortion? Sometimes I fear if I’d done things differently, maybe she would have made a different decision.

You - you wonderful, loving, good mother who has given me such wonderful support over the months on this forum - stop it. Yes, you are being over scrupulous…and I am not surprised because you are a good Catholic Christian woman.

It sounds to me that this poor lady who made this sad, sad choice is very mixed up. She is so going to regret killing her child…maybe not now, but someday. And the man who is having sex with her, outside of the vows of marriage, may need to rethink his own moral compass…but I guess that is none of our business either, right?

No, sweet heart…I think nothing but the Power of the Holy Spirit could have stopped this murder. And I am absolutely convinced that something wonderful will come from this great evil, because evil NEVER triumphs over God…never…

 

[Heart_Of_Mary]

Oh my - you are NOT at fault in ANY way…IMHO
KB

 

[YinYangMom]

mumto5:

I’m worried I might have inadvertently contributed to her decision by making family life look like a nighmare (she was dressed in business suits, very carefully manicured, etc. ). Do you think I might have scared her as regards motherhood and helped make her decision towards abortion? Sometimes I fear if I’d done things differently, maybe she would have made a different decision.

Goodness, no!
The decision to kill a child goes way beyond the appearance of your home or yourself.
She wanted her career and had the support of her parents.
She was selfish beyond words because she denied the father his own child.
It has nothing to do with you.

Please be at peace, but pray for the father, and help him through the mourning process. And make sure he learned his lesson - don’t be messin’ around outside of marriage!!!

 

[mumto5]

Thanks everyone. I just remember how bug eyed the woman looked (though most do when they encounter a family with five kids these days lol) and it occured to me that maybe I could have done something to make motherhood look desirable rather than tiring. I can’t believe that the couple didn’t sort out their feelings about a potential pregnancy before falling into bed, especially since he indicated that he was quite open to her becoming pregnant before any of this happened.

There’s little I can do for the father in a practical sense as I’m not supposed to know. He told my husband not to tell me but I think he under-estimates the marriage bond in telling him that. We don’t have secrets. Sadly, he’s very bitter about it and won’t have anything to do with women in general. He is a lovely person who has longed for a family for so long. I’m really sad for him.

What actually happened is that they broke up a month after they visited here. My husband didn’t have to tell me. I put 2 and 2 together and said, “She had an abortion didn’t she?” I’ve always been very intuitive but surprised my husband as it hadn’t occured to him that this was the case. I encouraged him to send his friend a card around what would have been the baby’s birthday to let him know we were thinking of him. I don’t think he did, but I didn’t want to do it myself since I aren’t supposed to know. With our baby being not much older than his would have been, and the same gender he thought his baby was, we haven’t seen a lot of him. I think he finds it hard to see her. He’s having counselling but he’s got a long road ahead.

I guess I will talk to my sons about this in future as it’s something that all men have to think of. They get no say at all in what happens to their unborn children and I’d hate for one of them to suffer like this. Hopefully it will help them think through the full implications of their actions.

 

[LSK]

mumto5:

Thanks everyone. I just remember how bug eyed the woman looked (though most do when they encounter a family with five kids these days lol) and it occured to me that maybe I could have done something to make motherhood look desirable rather than tiring. I can’t believe that the couple didn’t sort out their feelings about a potential pregnancy before falling into bed, especially since he indicated that he was quite open to her becoming pregnant before any of this happened.

There’s little I can do for the father in a practical sense as I’m not supposed to know. He told my husband not to tell me but I think he under-estimates the marriage bond in telling him that. We don’t have secrets. Sadly, he’s very bitter about it and won’t have anything to do with women in general. He is a lovely person who has longed for a family for so long. I’m really sad for him.

What actually happened is that they broke up a month after they visited here. My husband didn’t have to tell me. I put 2 and 2 together and said, “She had an abortion didn’t she?” I’ve always been very intuitive but surprised my husband as it hadn’t occured to him that this was the case. I encouraged him to send his friend a card around what would have been the baby’s birthday to let him know we were thinking of him. I don’t think he did, but I didn’t want to do it myself since I aren’t supposed to know. With our baby being not much older than his would have been, and the same gender he thought his baby was, we haven’t seen a lot of him. I think he finds it hard to see her. He’s having counselling but he’s got a long road ahead.

I guess I will talk to my sons about this in future as it’s something that all men have to think of. They get no say at all in what happens to their unborn children and I’d hate for one of them to suffer like this. Hopefully it will help them think through the full implications of their actions.

You and your husband are good parents.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

mumto5:

Thanks everyone. I just remember how bug eyed the woman looked (though most do when they encounter a family with five kids these days lol) and it occured to me that maybe I could have done something to make motherhood look desirable rather than tiring.

Motherhood is desirable AND tiring…and frustrating and joyful and messy and full of love

Just think of it another way… if you had presented yourself and your family as “perfect”, how would a mother with only one child feel when she gets completely overwhelmed? She would spend so much time thinking she was inadequate because you seemed perfect with 5 kids!

Better to have people see the reality. Having kids is darn hard work. But the rewards are sweet.

Malia

 

[iserve]

I would second that. Things were always chaotic when my three were young, but now that they are grown, how I long sometimes for those days when, suddenly they would all look like angels and we were so happy with each other’s company. Evenings snuggling on the couch, Halloween, Christmas morning, Easter, playing baseball in the front yard, road trips, all together at Mass, bathtime…etc…etc…etc… those are my most cherished memories in my life- my chance to make a better world. So what if the house wasn’t clean, if she couldn’t see through it to find the joy of parenthood, then she is the mess. Good luck to her for what she gets out of this life… Just think about this one:
Our Children are the only things we can take with us to heaven!!!

 

[Island_Oak]

Oh, you poor, dear thing. I am sorry you spent even one minute thinking you in some way contributed to this tragic sorrow. Hug your kids a little closer and thank God for having given you the grace to accept His gifts so lovingly–and then say a prayer for the horrible pain this woman will live with for the rest of her life. There is no greater perversion of natural law than to convince a mother she is advancing her own interests and welfare by killing her child.