Seeking feedback

[ymartinez1015]

Maybe the next time she brings it up, you could tell her (gently) that it makes you uncomfortable to hear it? If she gets angry or upset, you could just tell her it makes you feel a bit insecure and you don’t want to cause any problems, but it really does bother you.

Your husband’s in the military, right? It does make sense that you feel insecure if you can’t spend a lot of time with him. Make sure what time you do spend is good quality. You don’t have to worry about it - how you feel is incredibly important, and talking about it will help your marriage.

Do you have a good support network? Do you talk to your own family and friends regularly? You aren’t alone - it sounds like you need a boost of confidence to make you feel better. That’s not wrong or bad, it’s completely healthy :console:

Lou

The approach you suggested to bring it up to my mother in law is a good approach. I don’t understand why my husband told me and tells me how no one in his family liked his ex wife. Maybe he is telling me this so that I don’t have to worry, however I prefer honesty than a lie. Yes, my husband is in the military. I suppose you can say I do feel insecure. I do have a good support network. I suppose the reason why I feel alone is because I am being told one thing and it’s really another. I don’t like to be lied to. My mother in law expressed to my husband how happy she is we found each other and this and that. In some ways, I feel like an outsider now. I feel out of place, when I should really feel in “place.” I wish I was not feeling this way. This is not the time to feel this way. I can’t help it I simply want to be understood, heard and have my feelings acknowledged. Possibly have my husband step up to the plate? Is this too much to ask for?

 

[Lou2U]

The approach you suggested to bring it up to my mother in law is a good approach. I don’t understand why my husband told me and tells me how no one in his family liked his ex wife. Maybe he is telling me this so that I don’t have to worry, however I prefer honesty than a lie. Yes, my husband is in the military. I suppose you can say I do feel insecure. I do have a good support network. I suppose the reason why I feel alone is because I am being told one thing and it’s really another. I don’t like to be lied to. My mother in law expressed to my husband how happy she is we found each other and this and that. In some ways, I feel like an outsider now. I feel out of place, when I should really feel in “place.” I wish I was not feeling this way. This is not the time to feel this way. I can’t help it I simply want to be understood, heard and have my feelings acknowledged. Possibly have my husband step up to the plate? Is this too much to ask for?

No, it isn’t unreasonable at all. Talk to your husband on Sunday, and explain how it makes you feel. Tell him you feel isolated and insecure and you feel as though you’re being lied to. If it’s really difficult to talk to your MIL about, maybe ask your husband to do it? I understand if it’s easier for you to do, though.

Lou

 

[ymartinez1015]

No, it isn’t unreasonable at all. Talk to your husband on Sunday, and explain how it makes you feel. Tell him you feel isolated and insecure and you feel as though you’re being lied to. If it’s really difficult to talk to your MIL about, maybe ask your husband to do it? I understand if it’s easier for you to do, though.

Lou

I forgot to respond to your previous question about who bring up the topic of his previous marriage, sometimes it’s more me than him. I don’t know why I do it or he does it. I’m going to bring it to his attention that I no longer want to talk about his previous marriage, explain to him how it makes me feel and how everything else makes me feel. What about asking him to stop calling his ex mother in law, “mom?” How in the world am I going to bring this up? He has always told me she is like a second mother to him. This makes me feel uncomfortable. I feel like if I bring it up, it will create tension between us.

 

[Anglewannabe]

With all due respect, I can’t help but think that you were aware he calls his ex-MIL mom before you married him. In that sense, when you ask him to stop he will probably wonder why all of a sudden it is an issue. As much as I would encourage you to ask him to stop, I honestly don’t think it will go over smoothly

Angie

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

I don’t know, I think that any reasonable woman would completely understand if her former son-in-law told her nicely that out of respect for his new wife, and his new marriage, that he felt it necessary to use a different term for her than “mom.” Any woman who couldn’t handle that is not a nice person and doesn’t deserve to be coddled.

I can see how it might be awkward for your husband to make that change, but as I consider the situation, I think that he is the one who is in the best position to make you feel better here. It is understandable that your husband’s mother is still going to love her best friend, and it is understandable that she will care about her best friend’s daughter. But your husband doesn’t need to have much of a relationship with his mother’s best friend. I’m not buddies with MY mom’s best friend. THAT is a relationship that is free to cool, and this is where he has an obligation to you, to come to an agreement about what level of familiarity and contact he will have with her now that she is no longer his relative, but just his mom’s friend. So I would approach it from that standpoint. Ask him to understand that you are in a difficult position with the exes being such good friends of his family and that you are insecure, and together consider what boundaries might need to be adjusted between your husband and his mom’s friends, to help you understand that he puts you first.

 

[ymartinez1015]

With all due respect, I can’t help but think that you were aware he calls his ex-MIL mom before you married him. In that sense, when you ask him to stop he will probably wonder why all of a sudden it is an issue. As much as I would encourage you to ask him to stop, I honestly don’t think it will go over smoothly

Angie

I was not aware she was his ex mother in law until later on in our marriage.

 

[ymartinez1015]

As bad as this may sound, my view of my mother in law and my husband’s family has changed. I am not sure how I feel about my mother in law and his family anymore. All of this has made me feel uncomfortable and insecure. My mother in law will be visiting us on October, I am already not looking forward to her visit. Are my feelings valid? To be honest, I rather keep my distance. What do you guys think?

 

[Allegra]

If your MILs friendship predates your husbands prior marriage, it’s completely normal for her to maintain her friendship still. Would you prefer her to be embittered toward her friend and hateful toward her daughter? Post-divorce family relationships are complicated, but it sounds like you’ve got the best of a possible worlds in a cordial but fairly distant relationship. That’s about as healthy as you can get after a divorce.

 

[Allegra]

Out of everything you wrote, the part in bold is what doesn’t sit well with me. She isn’t his mom, and there is no reason for him to continue calling her mom given the circumstances. I would talk to him about that. Since you are now married in the Catholic Church, this lets me know his previous marriage was not valid.

My parents continued to call my grandmothers “mom” after they divorced and no one thinks anything of it. They are addressing the grandmother of their children and they still love them, even if their marriage didn’t work out. I don’t find anything outrageous about it. Fortunately, there are no children involved in the OPs situation, but I am very grateful that my parents handled their post-divorce relationship as well as they did. It’s too bad it was a day late and a dollar short or they might have stayed married.

 

[Allegra]

It appears as though my mother in law has always and will always love her ex daughter in law. Why in the world does she speak badly of her to me and turns around and says she loves her? Oh my word, I don’t know what to make of this.

Because she does love her, but she is hurt and disappointed by her behavior toward her son.

 

[Allegra]

I wonder what the outcome will be if I did approach my mother in law about this. I don’t want to make a big ordeal or create tension however it does bother me. I don’t like hypocrites and it makes me feel uncomfortable that she has two faces. I don’t want to begin to imagine. As far as telling my husband, I will bring it to his attention upon his arrival on Sunday. I am feeling confused cornered and alone.

The classiest way to handle this is to not bring the former wife up at all, and if someone else does, say something like, “Well, let’s not talk about someone who is not here. Isn’t it a beautiful day?”

 

[Allegra]

I don’t know, I think that any reasonable woman would completely understand if her former son-in-law told her nicely that out of respect for his new wife, and his new marriage, that he felt it necessary to use a different term for her than “mom.” Any woman who couldn’t handle that is not a nice person and doesn’t deserve to be coddled.

I can see how it might be awkward for your husband to make that change, but as I consider the situation, I think that he is the one who is in the best position to make you feel better here. It is understandable that your husband’s mother is still going to love her best friend, and it is understandable that she will care about her best friend’s daughter. But your husband doesn’t need to have much of a relationship with his mother’s best friend. I’m not buddies with MY mom’s best friend. THAT is a relationship that is free to cool, and this is where he has an obligation to you, to come to an agreement about what level of familiarity and contact he will have with her now that she is no longer his relative, but just his mom’s friend. So I would approach it from that standpoint. Ask him to understand that you are in a difficult position with the exes being such good friends of his family and that you are insecure, and together consider what boundaries might need to be adjusted between your husband and his mom’s friends, to help you understand that he puts you first.

There’s no reason to assume that the OPs husband calls his former MIL “mom” at the former MILs insistence anyway. However, if he’s had that kind of relationship with her since childhood, it could cause problems with the husband. It isn’t a big deal for the husband to call his former MIL something else, however, the real problem is that the OP is insecure regarding the husband’s “second mother” relationship with her, regardless of what he calls her.

 

[Allegra]

I was not aware she was his ex mother in law until later on in our marriage.

You didn’t know he was previously married, or you didn’t know that he was married to the daughter of a family friend? I have to say, that seems a little unusual. I would have been pretty curious.

 

[ymartinez1015]

???

I had no idea his moms best friend was his ex’s mother in law until later on in your marriage.

 

[ymartinez1015]

You didn’t know he was previously married, or you didn’t know that he was married to the daughter of a family friend? I have to say, that seems a little unusual. I would have been pretty curious.

I did not know the woman he calls mom was his ex mother in law. The only reason why I was not curious was because I am not one to pry nor wanting to get into his business.

 

[ymartinez1015]

I don’t know, I think that any reasonable woman would completely understand if her former son-in-law told her nicely that out of respect for his new wife, and his new marriage, that he felt it necessary to use a different term for her than “mom.” Any woman who couldn’t handle that is not a nice person and doesn’t deserve to be coddled.

I can see how it might be awkward for your husband to make that change, but as I consider the situation, I think that he is the one who is in the best position to make you feel better here. It is understandable that your husband’s mother is still going to love her best friend, and it is understandable that she will care about her best friend’s daughter. But your husband doesn’t need to have much of a relationship with his mother’s best friend. I’m not buddies with MY mom’s best friend. THAT is a relationship that is free to cool, and this is where he has an obligation to you, to come to an agreement about what level of familiarity and contact he will have with her now that she is no longer his relative, but just his mom’s friend. So I would approach it from that standpoint. Ask him to understand that you are in a difficult position with the exes being such good friends of his family and that you are insecure, and together consider what boundaries might need to be adjusted between your husband and his mom’s friends, to help you understand that he puts you first.

I found your response to be very helpful. Thank you

 

[acadiANNA]

You and your husband must attend Mass together. I understand his work schedule may not permit that. Your husband is very happily married and in love with you. Ask God to continue to bless your marriage and give you the grace to be a loving wife. Praying that any negativity will disappear.

 

[ymartinez1015]

You and your husband must attend Mass together. I understand his work schedule may not permit that. Your husband is very happily married and in love with you. Ask God to continue to bless your marriage and give you the grace to be a loving wife. Praying that any negativity will disappear.

Fortunately, my husband and I attend mass together. Thank you for your words