Seeking insight on attending mass

[Purple97]

Hello,

I’m hoping I can get some insight on this topic.

I have been dating my boyfriend for 6 months now. When we started dating I told him I was agnostic and he told me he was catholic. Religion was never an issue until last month when he got an answer from his priest about a question that pertained to us (regarding my previous religious background). His priest informed him that unless I convert then we can not be together and that is that. I have a background of Catholic on my mom’s side and Morman on my dad’s. Neither practiced but I was baptized when I was a baby. I have affiliations with a youth group and know the bare minimum about religion. We constantly have conversations about religion so I can better understand it cause I am trying to learn for him and for myself, I just don’t know where I am right now. Whenever I seem to bring up religion he seems to become disinterested. I told him I wanted to go to mass on Christmas with him and he seemed to be distant about it. He said that he doesn’t want me to go if it’s to be with him and it needs to be because I want to be with god. I understood that but it hurt that he would even have to say that. I told him that if I was going to be with him and not trying to understand more about this then that is manipulation which is wrong. When I asked what to expect and stuff he seemed to get distant from the conversation and continue to say that I needed to not go to be with him but for a relationship with god.

Is there any reason why this might seem to be this way?

Thank you.

 

[UpUpAndAway]

Welcome to CAF.

His priest informed him that unless I convert then we can not be together and that is that.

You lost me right here. It is not prohibited for a Catholic to date a non-Catholic—in fact, with the appropriate dispensation or permission Catholics can validly marry non-Catholics in the Catholic Church. I did.

There may be even more good news: if I’m reading your post correctly, your mother is Catholic and your father is Mormon. You were baptized as a baby. I understand that Mormons reject infant baptism, so I assume that you weren’t baptized into that faith. If you were baptized in a Catholic Church, congratulations! You’re Catholic!

Is there any reason why this might seem to be this way?

Frankly, there’s so much going on here that it’s difficult to say and even if I attempted to comment I would just be speculating. The only thing I can offer is that the Church does not say the two of you can’t “be together” unless you convert.

 

[Purple97]

with the appropriate dispensation or permission Catholics can validly marry non-Catholics in the Catholic Church

That’s what I thought but his priest said that it is hard to get and the likelihood of it is slim to none, adding in I should convert.

My grandparents on each side had their respective religions. I do not know if I was baptized in a catholic church or in terms of Christian. If that makes sense.

I appreciate the response and not wanting to speculate.

My biggest thing is I want to support him and try and learn what is important to him.

 

[GordonP]

That’s what I thought but his priest said that it is hard to get and the likelihood of it is slim to none, adding in I should convert.

What country are you in? Here in the US, mixed marriages are very common, and it is unusual for permission to be denied, unless there is some actual canonical impediment, such as a previous marriage that has not been properly annulled.

 

[UpUpAndAway]

This is the case in France as well, at least it was for us.

 

[UpUpAndAway]

My biggest thing is I want to support him and try and learn what is important to him.

Well, I guess my first question is: given that you are agnostic, why do you want to attend Mass on Christmas? Are you enquiring into the faith, or do you just want to be there with your boyfriend? Or some other reason…?

I’m not looking for reasons to discourage you from going. Anyone can attend Mass. The liturgy is open to all (though reception of the Eucharist is reserved to Catholics in a state of grace).

 

[Irishmom2]

Purple, I actually understand what your boyfriend is saying. He does not want you becoming interested in Catholicism for him. He may see it as you doing something just to get closer to him, and not because you are genuinely interested.

If you are Interested in learning more, that’s great. Go to mass on your own and see how you like it. It’s allowed, in case you were wondering. You don’t have to be Catholic to attend mass, you just cannot receive the Eucharist. Read some books. Learn about the faith by spending time on CAF asking questions and reading past threads. Use the search feature.

You may find you actually do or don’t have any interest in Catholicism.
But you would be finding out for yourself, not for your boyfriend.
Welcome to CAF and your faith finding journey!

 

[Catholiccradle2grave]

Hello Purple97! How wonderful that you want to attend Holy Mass - I would like to think that this is a “call” from the Holy Spirit encouraging you to a most wonderful relationship with God My wife converted to Catholicism before we were married, both of which were joyous occasions but she did it for herself, first and foremost, as you must do. I’m so sorry to hear your boyfriend’s reaction to your request made out of love and in the best way that you could - how lovely - if it was me I would be so happy that you made the suggestion off your own bat !

Check with your Mum(if Poss) about your baptism because as the other respondent said, if that was a Catholic baptism then BINGO you are a Catholic, and have a chat with your Mum, if poss. about any Catholic stuff that your family might have taken part in so you get some background.

From a purely Catholic perspective it would be truly wonderful if you were both Catholics because you would both be travelling in the same direction so to speak. However, in my own Parish we have a number of lovely married couples where one person is not a Catholic and the other is. I’ll tell you now that for the practising Catholic it is a great sadness that their partner is not one too and coming to all the Church events thru the year - it hurts in the heart ! So, you do not both HAVE TO BE CATHOLICS to be together (?married) and clearly Priests will marry Catholic and Non Catholic but there would be a commitment that the children are brought up in the Catholic Faith (I might have gone a step too far there, sorry!)

If you are interested in the Catholic faith search for the Alpha course and for catholicnewbie website.

OK so looking at going to Mass on your own and going into a Catholic Church …better if he or someone at the Church can talk you through it. First, going into a Catholic church with icons, pictures, statues, big Altar thingy at the far end and candles lit up here and there can be kinda freaky if never gone in before - someone needs to take you through that side of things (it’s not difficult). Going to Mass - of course people are welcome at Mass but until a Catholic you can only go up at Holy Communion with your arms crossed over your chest for a blessing (if you want to go up). Again go with someone who will take you through what’s happening, because sometimes we stand, sit, knell, sing, pray, listen etc and frankly as a first timer it will be confusing, you might feel EVERYONE is looking etc etc(they aren’t!) but these initial feelings could put you off and we don’t want that !!

Now if your boyfriend won’t help about The Mass then ask him if he can introduce you to a member of the congregation who would be willing to take you under their wing to help you see what you want to do with the call to the Faith, otherwise, go to the priest and ask him to help you or be brave and go to a Mass and say to a member of the congregation if they can help.

 

[TC3033]

That’s what I thought but his priest said that it is hard to get and the likelihood of it is slim to none,

LOL…no, it’s not…at least it’s not here in the US.

adding in I should convert.

I have a feeling I know why he’s telling you that if you don’t convert you can’t be together and why he’s saying dispensations are “so hard to get”…

Is there any reason why this might seem to be this way?

Do you think what the priest is telling him is really bothering him?

 

[Magdalene]

As for what the priest said, would it be that because you were baptized catholic, you cannot get married in the Catholic Church without first being confirmed? I’m not sure if that is actually the case or not, and you seem to not be sure if you were baptized in the Catholic Church or some other Christian denomination, but it’s a possibility that this is what the priest is thinking. In general, as long as the non-catholic party is aware of the catholic spouses obligations to the faith and raising children in the faith, then a mixed marriage can be approved. If you are technically Catholic, however, it may complicate things. Maybe you could ask him for more clarification from the priest.

On the subject of your boyfriend seeming disinterested in talking about religion and going to mass with you, I am sorry that is the case! You seem very open to learning about his faith, which is wonderful. I would suggest just learning on your own, and letting him know that you want to learn for you, not for him. There are so many great websites, books, podcasts, youtube channels, etc… if you need suggestions just ask us! You could even consider joining RCIA (you can attend without planning to convert, just wanting to learn more) or meet someone else in the parish who could answer your questions.

I think part of why he may not want to talk about it is because he is concerned about the priest saying you wouldn’t be able to get married without converting. He’s probably worried about where your relationship will go from here. I’m sure he would love for you to convert, but at the same time wants to respect you and not feel like he is manipulating or forcing you to convert, or go to mass with him. It’s a delicate situation, and i can understand his hesitation. It may also be that he doesn’t feel confident enough in teaching you about the faith, or even the mass. Maybe he is nervous that you’ll ask questions that he doesn’t know the answer to, or that you’ll dislike it. Just let him know that you want to go to experience it and learn about it for yourself, and that you are aware you cannot receive holy communion. He may feel more comfortable knowing that you want to learn on your own, and he doesn’t have to have all the answers.

 

[whatistrue]

That’s what I thought but his priest said that it is hard to get and the likelihood of it is slim to none, adding in I should convert.

This really bothers me. Unless you are in a country where the national Bishop’s Conference has enacted very restrictive rules, this sort of permission or dispensation should not be difficult at all. I can’t help but wonder if this priest is part of a group that calls themselves Catholic but is not in communion with the Pope.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

That’s what I thought but his priest said that it is hard to get and the likelihood of it is slim to none, adding in I should convert.

This is baloney. First of all, you’re baptized Catholic, so you are Catholic, not a non-Catholic, in the eyes of the church. No conversion necessary, just some training so you can receive the rest of the sacraments and be a practicing Catholic.

Second, even if you were somehow a non-Catholic, Catholics marry non-Catholics all the time. I married a Presbyterian. Our pastor didnt bat an eye and it wasnt the least bit difficult to get permission.

Did you hear the priest say this or is this coming second hand from your boyfriend? I suspect either there has been a big misunderstanding, or else something strange is going on, such as your boyfriend wants to break up and is blaming it on the priest. Or, as someone else said, your boyfriend might be part of some very traditional group that is not following the usual teachings and practices of the Church.

 

[paperwight]

As for what the priest said, would it be that because you were baptized catholic, you cannot get married in the Catholic Church without first being confirmed?

That isn’t so, at least not in the last 50 years. I was married without being confirmed first. As I’d been a student away from home it hadn’t been possible to fit it in until a year after the wedding over 50 years ago.

 

[Purple97]

I’m in the US. Could him and his family not recognizing the current pope and the past handfull of popes. ( I don’t actually know the correct term)

 

[Purple97]

I have attended Christmas mass’s when I was younger with my grandparents but being young I never really experienced them. I figured that Christmas mass was the easiest due to my schedule not allowing me to attend Sunday mass with him. I’d rather go with him due to not knowing what to do and expect. I’m wanting to go to learn more about the faith and be able to understand more of what happens. If that makes sense.

 

[UpUpAndAway]

not recognizing the current pope and the past handfull of popes.

Ah.

The word you are looking for is “sedevacantist” and if this is the case it would certainly explain why your boyfriend’s priest is saying things that make the rest of us go “hmmm”

If your boyfriend and his family are sedevacantists, that is an absolute game-changer. I honestly don’t know how to advise you, an agnostic, in this situation. If you are looking to learn more about the Catholic faith, please do not try to find out from the sedevacantists.

 

[Purple97]

Oh so there’s a bit of a difference involved.

 

[UpUpAndAway]

It’s more than “a bit of a difference.” Rejecting the authority of the Pope is a big, big, big deal. People who don’t accept the legitimacy of the Pope aren’t the best sources of information about the Catholic Church, which is led by…the Pope.

I don’t personally see how someone could refuse to accept the authority of the Pope and still believe they are faithful Catholics.

 

[SPQR1]

A HUGE difference! They aren’t even technically Catholic, since they reject the papacy. A lot of their Holy Orders are not even accepted by the Vatican. Oh, they will say that they’re the only “real Catholics” left, and they will be able to tell you all the “reasons” why this is the case, but it’s all a fantasy they have created for themselves. If you want to learn more about Catholicism, DON’T try to learn it from sedevacantists. They will give you such a confusing, false version of it. Check out Bishop Robert Barron or Father Mike Schmitz for simple, interesting and theologically sound teachings on the Faith.

 

[TC3033]

IMHO, I don’t know if I’d say I’d take Fr. Mike’s stuff with a “grain of salt” but I’ve seen some of his Ascension stuff that’s kind of an “eye-roll”. Specifically his video on “mixed”-marriages.