Seeking mothers' advice on how to deal with my mother!

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happymommy said:
I wish my mom was still here to talk to every day. Now my dad calls every day. We never had much of a relationship before mom died, so we still don’t have a whole lot to say to each other. But he calls everyday. If I don’t answer, he just keeps calling, never leaves a message. At first it made me angry, now I just shake my head and smile. I know the day will come that he won’t be calling all the time just to see what I’m doing.
Let it go. Really in the grand scheme of life, it’s not a big deal.
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I had to clinch my teeth here because that was very insensitive. You obviously have not experienced the kind of parent the OP is describing -did you read her further posts? I have and there are times when it has been a very big deal.
 
Hello all

Dealing with one’s mother is a complicated subject, because each mother is different in nature and is different in the way she treats her kids…
 
I would get a couple of books that I found helpful.
amazon.com/Help-These-People-Driving-Nuts/dp/0824525973/ref=tmm_pap_title_0
God Help Me! These People Are Driving Me Nuts!: Making Peace with Difficult People by Gregory Popcak
Apparently they are re-releasing it in March because it said its not released yet but I bought it several years ago. He’s a Catholic author. The other one is
amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/157224108X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1261493617&sr=1-1
Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder

My mom doesn’t have BPD she actually has Paranoid Personality Disorder but the book was still very helpful. I would read up on personality disorders you might find it helpful that your mom’s behavior is not your fault and what she does is out of your control. You are not a bad daughter, your mom is not healthy.

The first book I mentioned really helped me establish boundries. I also went to therapy -I actually tried to go with my mom. The therapist could not make any headway with my mom at all. PPD’s are very hard to treat. She finally said at this stage in my mom’s life she simply is not capable of change. But therapy was still very helpful to me. It helped with the guilt and the years of my mom making me responsible for her happiness (or unhappiness :rolleyes:).

Yeah the boyfriend comment reminded me of one I got in high school. When my boyfriend and I broke up and I was heart broken my mom says “I told you he’d get sick of you.” Apparently not though because we got back together and have been married 18 years.😛 My mom in the last couple years has mellowed out alot. I think its age. She’s 80 now. I think she’s just tired.

But change still sets her off, especially if she has too much time on her hands. My dad and my daughter went to Europe for a month over the summer. My mom doesn’t drive and I just about lost my mind trying to cope with the stress as my mom unraveled. It started on the way home from dropping my dad and daughter at the airport and got progressively worse. I had to check on her everyday (I do love her even though she drives me nuts) and I went by several times a week to take her places or bring her things. The stress was really putting a strain on me as she poured over all her regrets in life, all the wrongs people had done to her, how awful my father was -she didn’t attack me too much because I think she was afraid I wouldn’t come back but it was bad.

So after all this rambling…establish boundaries and stick to them. Your mom’s illness is not your fault.
 
Hello Happy Mommy, I wish I had been born to a mother like yours. I have heard of many people say how much they miss their mothers when they have gone with God. I am truly happy for you.
I happened to have been born to a dysfunctional mom & dad. They didn’t care much for us kids.
They always came first and were very verbally and physically abusive towards us kids.

I always lived in fear for my life since my mom would get our dad to beat us up. I didn’t like my dad at all. When he died as an old man Iast year it was a relief. It felt like a monkey on my back had been taken off my back. It was a relief.

I did go for grief counseling at my church and I found out that I just didn’t have any grief at all. It has been a strange experience. I hope when my mom dies I will not miss her too.

My Mom is the type of person who likes to argue about everything. One day I told my sister we needed to pretend that Mom was the queen of England and not argue with her for a few hours that we had to spend with her in my car while we went shopping. “WHEW”.

Mom argues and then she cries about something. She will not take her meds that relax her and make her feel better. One day I gave her a valium to relax her so I could take her to the doctor for a check-up. I was in the room with her when she told the doctor that I had given her one of my valiums. I felt so betrayed… I went home and cried for days and didn’t talk to her for weeks.

My sister calls mom “your mother”… THAT is how abusive mom is towards her.

My other sister says that mom is very hard to spend time with because she wants everything her way and complains about everything.

When my mom calls me and tells me she is ill and dying… I tell HER I can call 911. She says,“NO”.lol. Now she has it in her mind that she has cancer. She is in good health.

My brother is dying from cancer. He is at level 4 which is the last level of cancer. He is fighting to live as long as he can. He lives in pain everyday and doesn’t like to take morfine sp.
Mom told him she is in worse pain than he is. He also has to fight back with her.

I wish I had a great mother but I don’t have one. Blessed mother is the one whom I pray to when I have a personal problem.
I have been praying since I was 6yrs. old to God. God has been the one who truly loves me and has kept me going in my life to be a good person as much as I can.

My advise to the OP is to not pay too much attention to your mom and not call her as often as she wants. She will learn to accept your RULES. When she starts nagging you about not calling her… tell her you are truly busy and will call her when you have time. Tell her don’t call me… I will call you when I have time.

Tell your mom if she keeps harrassing you with her phone calls that you will not talk to her for a week. Act like an adult and take your power as an adult. That is what I have done with my mother. I spent too many years catering sp to her needs and not mine.

It feels really good not to be harrassed by her anymore. I still talk to my mom and I try to be nice to her. But there are times when she gets vicious towards me and I have to hang up the telephone on her. That works for me too. My feelings towards her are neutral now which means I don’t take her seriously anymore. Lucy
 
i am a mother of adults and little kids. my mother and grandmother are both alive.
my oldest is 28 so i’ve been a mom of adults for 10 years. four of our ten kids are adults, living out of our home.

in my wildest dreams i would not call my kids to tell them they need to FIX me. i would not call my kids to fill some empty hole in me.

if my mom did this to me? i’d say, “thanks for calling mom. i’ll call you back on tuesday.” then when she rang me up a dozen times a day, i’d ignore it. on tuesday when i called her, and she freaked, i’d say, “i told you i’d call you tuesday.” if (when) she keeps freaking, i’d say, “goot go. no time for your freaking out. i’ll call you next tuesday.”
 
w2bp88 said:
Hello all,

Here is my situation: For the past year or so, my mother has been calling me every day, sometimes twice a day, just to talk. While I understand it’s nice for me to keep in touch, it has gotten to be excessive. If I don’t call her back within a few hours she freaks out.
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Yikes. When I left home for college, I saw my parents once a week at Church. After I quit going to that Church and became Catholic, we started seeing each other once a month for lunch, and calling from time to time when there was news to report (but not otherwise).

I don’t think I talked to my mother twice a day even when I was living with her (other than the sort of polite nothings that one says when passing in the hallway) - we were on totally different schedules … 🤷

I think that getting together with your Mom for a good gossip every once in a while is good for you - but twice a day really seems excessive. I’m sure I would run out of things to talk about, pretty quickly.
 
I’m truly sorry you have had to deal with this your entire life. I was blessed with good parents, far from perfect! The dysfunction in our family is my sister who has been allowed to ruin many relationships within our family. I lived with abuse from her for many years and it was allowed to go on, my parents knew about it, but she’s “sick” so they never said much. It’s taken me many years to recover from it and some wounds will never heal. But I was able to develope a good relationship with my mom inspite of all of this and I do miss her very much. Our relationship was not perfect.I don’t think my parents really understood how crazy my sister is. Dad understands it now! She moved in with him when mom died. After Christmas he will be moving in with us! Should be interesting, 4 kids 10,8,3 & a new born and an my 88 year old dad!! But he is living in fear. Sleeping with his door locked because he’s afraid she will do something to him in his sleep. The police know, they won’t do anything. The office for the aged know, again…nothing is done.
I think most families have someone like the OP’s mom. Even with the relationship I was able to have with my mom, boundaries still needed to be set. I think that’s what the OP needs to do. Set boundaries, stand by them and try to love your mom. Not always easy. I spent a lot of time trying to understand why she let my sister treat me so badly, what had I done. I found peace and was able to move past it when I realized, it wasn’t me. I’m not the one with the problem and there is nothing I can/could do to change them.
LaLucia said:
Hello Happy Mommy, I wish I had been born to a mother like yours. I have heard of many people say how much they miss their mothers when they have gone with God. I am truly happy for you.
I happened to have been born to a dysfunctional mom & dad. They didn’t care much for us kids.
They always came first and were very verbally and physically abusive towards us kids.

I always lived in fear for my life since my mom would get our dad to beat us up. I didn’t like my dad at all. When he died as an old man Iast year it was a relief. It felt like a monkey on my back had been taken off my back. It was a relief.

I did go for grief counseling at my church and I found out that I just didn’t have any grief at all. It has been a strange experience. I hope when my mom dies I will not miss her too.

My Mom is the type of person who likes to argue about everything. One day I told my sister we needed to pretend that Mom was the queen of England and not argue with her for a few hours that we had to spend with her in my car while we went shopping. “WHEW”.

Mom argues and then she cries about something. She will not take her meds that relax her and make her feel better. One day I gave her a valium to relax her so I could take her to the doctor for a check-up. I was in the room with her when she told the doctor that I had given her one of my valiums. I felt so betrayed… I went home and cried for days and didn’t talk to her for weeks.

My sister calls mom “your mother”… THAT is how abusive mom is towards her.

My other sister says that mom is very hard to spend time with because she wants everything her way and complains about everything.

When my mom calls me and tells me she is ill and dying… I tell HER I can call 911. She says,“NO”.lol. Now she has it in her mind that she has cancer. She is in good health.

My brother is dying from cancer. He is at level 4 which is the last level of cancer. He is fighting to live as long as he can. He lives in pain everyday and doesn’t like to take morfine sp.
Mom told him she is in worse pain than he is. He also has to fight back with her.

I wish I had a great mother but I don’t have one. Blessed mother is the one whom I pray to when I have a personal problem.
I have been praying since I was 6yrs. old to God. God has been the one who truly loves me and has kept me going in my life to be a good person as much as I can.

My advise to the OP is to not pay too much attention to your mom and not call her as often as she wants. She will learn to accept your RULES. When she starts nagging you about not calling her… tell her you are truly busy and will call her when you have time. Tell her don’t call me… I will call you when I have time.

Tell your mom if she keeps harrassing you with her phone calls that you will not talk to her for a week. Act like an adult and take your power as an adult. That is what I have done with my mother. I spent too many years catering sp to her needs and not mine.

It feels really good not to be harrassed by her anymore. I still talk to my mom and I try to be nice to her. But there are times when she gets vicious towards me and I have to hang up the telephone on her. That works for me too. My feelings towards her are neutral now which means I don’t take her seriously anymore. Lucy
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happymommy:
I wish my mom was still here to talk to every day. Now my dad calls every day. We never had much of a relationship before mom died, so we still don’t have a whole lot to say to each other. But he calls everyday. If I don’t answer, he just keeps calling, never leaves a message. At first it made me angry, now I just shake my head and smile. I know the day will come that he won’t be calling all the time just to see what I’m doing.
Let it go. Really in the grand scheme of life, it’s not a big deal.
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Reply by rayne 89:
I had to clinch my teeth here because that was very insensitive. You obviously have not experienced the kind of parent the OP is describing -did you read her further posts? I have and there are times when it has been a very big deal.
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My reaction depends on the situation. What for me is defining in these situations is the underlying motivation – if it is to be controlling or the result of believing that they have the right to know everything on in someone else’s life then for me it teeth clenching and something must be done about it.

It brought back to me my mother’s comment, when she was psychologically ill, that it was my responsibility to leave my job and look after her. Then she said you can live your life when I’m dead.

If it is the result of not having enough to do/lack of contact then that is different as if the cause is addressed the problem with probably dissipate.
 
Thank you for all of your replies. I have definitely thought about everything you all have said. Since the argument we had on Sunday, I have not heard from her. She got my brother to call me on Monday, though, and ask me if I was still coming for Christmas. I just had to shrug it off because how immature can she be to a) think I’m not coming home for Christmas and b) to have my brother call me. Why couldn’t she just ask me herself? Oh, well…

I have decided to bring my blow up mattress home with me so I can stay at my grandmother’s house because I don’t really want to share a room with my mom for a week! When I come home I usually have to share the bed with her because there is no bedroom for me. Also, she always has to nag me about what I eat and my weight and why I go to sleep so late, etc! She also tries to push her new age philosophies on me and try and talk me out of being so serious about my faith but I won’t have that!

To respond to what some of you have said, I am in therapy and the topic of my mother has been very prevalent. I think my mother needs therapy as well but that is out of my control. I would love to be able to talk to her about everything that is going on in my life and the problems I would like to solve from my childhood but whenever I bring up constructive criticism she starts with “Oh, I’m a horrible mother, everybody hates me, I should just die” ETC ETC. I can’t deal with that anymore!

I really think God has given me the strength to step away from this codependent relationship that’s been harming me for so long. My mother used to scare me by saying she was the only one that cared for me and if I didn’t have her nobody would stand up for me. That used to scare me so much but now I have Jesus and I’m not scared of her threats anymore.

My plan is to just keep a distance for a while and just tell her I need time and space. Please pray for the situation to get better because it is definitely going to be awkward going home! I will also keep all of you in my prayers. May you all have a wonderful Christmas!
 
Hi w2, I think you are getting ready to wean yourself from your mother which is great. You must wean her from calling you so much. Don’t listen to her threats.

Your mom is still young enough to be able to take care of herself so don’t worry about her.

Your mom is not respecting your need for space so my advise is to tell her that she needs to learn to let go of you. She will come up with a crazy none relevant answer like, “you want me dead don’t you”? See how she will change the subject on you? Just say, it is up to you when you want to die not me.

My mom plays the same game with me and my sisters. We have all told her to go ahead and die if she wants to do that. The funny part is that she is really very strong minded and it really doesn’t bother what angry words we say to her… she still keeps trying to manipulate us.

I don’t think your mom wants to face her flaws in raising you as a child… so forget trying to hope that she will agree with you. Just tell her some of your bad memories with her when you were a child. You can also throw her off guard by changing the subject and not give her an answer because that is what she is doing to you.

Sometimes I tell my Mom… I remember when I was a little girl and I had to keep your secret that you had a boyfriend while my dad was at work. My Mom just stays real quiet and I just let it go.

Another time I told my Mom that my therapist knows all the dirt on you. She just stays quiet.

Other times I tell how mean she was to me as a child and she says she doesn’t remember.

My Mom is not going to change. BUT I HAVE CHANGED MY RELATIONSHIP TOWARDS HER. I have learned to stop her from telling me how sick she is and how poor she is.
She has everything she needs. Whatever I give her for Christmas she will give it away.
I have decided to give her a gift after Christmas so she doesn’t give it away as a gift.

I just want you to know that you have us to talk with about your relationship with your Mom.
God is with you too so keep on weaning yourself from your Clingy Mom. Lucy
 
Hello Salonika, My Mom also told me a long time ago that she didn’t want me to find a man to marry because she wants me to stay single until she dies. She only wants my attention.

My two sisters and I have decided when it is time to send our mom into a senior home we will do it because none of us can stand her petty, self-centered, anger, jealous of us because we are free to do what we want, etc.

I had a dream one night that my Mom had moved in with me and when I woke up from my bed I walked into my living room and noticed my Mom had spilled sticky orange juice on my beautiful wood floors. She had also dropped some fruit on the floor. She had also done some strange things to my condo. She had installed some ugly things that hang on walls.
IT WAS A DREAM that told me to never let my Mom live with me. “WHEW”.

In the old days… the Spainards had a custom that the youngest daughter had to stay single and take care of their Mom’s. That was the custom. I once saw a movie about that. Lucy
 
w2bp88 said:
Thank you for all of your replies. I have definitely thought about everything you all have said. Since the argument we had on Sunday, I have not heard from her. She got my brother to call me on Monday, though, and ask me if I was still coming for Christmas. I just had to shrug it off because how immature can she be to a) think I’m not coming home for Christmas and b) to have my brother call me. Why couldn’t she just ask me herself? Oh, well…

I have decided to bring my blow up mattress home with me so I can stay at my grandmother’s house because I don’t really want to share a room with my mom for a week! When I come home I usually have to share the bed with her because there is no bedroom for me. Also, she always has to nag me about what I eat and my weight and why I go to sleep so late, etc! She also tries to push her new age philosophies on me and try and talk me out of being so serious about my faith but I won’t have that!

To respond to what some of you have said, I am in therapy and the topic of my mother has been very prevalent. I think my mother needs therapy as well but that is out of my control. I would love to be able to talk to her about everything that is going on in my life and the problems I would like to solve from my childhood but whenever I bring up constructive criticism she starts with “Oh, I’m a horrible mother, everybody hates me, I should just die” ETC ETC. I can’t deal with that anymore!

I really think God has given me the strength to step away from this codependent relationship that’s been harming me for so long. My mother used to scare me by saying she was the only one that cared for me and if I didn’t have her nobody would stand up for me. That used to scare me so much but now I have Jesus and I’m not scared of her threats anymore.

My plan is to just keep a distance for a while and just tell her I need time and space. Please pray for the situation to get better because it is definitely going to be awkward going home! I will also keep all of you in my prayers. May you all have a wonderful Christmas!
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You are probably getting this from your therapist, but it is wise to know your boundaries and enforce them. If being at your mother’s is so uncomfortable, you should stay at your grandmother’s house.

One other thing that I have learned in therapy is that ALL mothers just want to know that we are good mothers. If there is ever a time when you can tell her she did/does something right, please be sure to point it out to her and thank her (which could include thanking her for not calling you for a couple of days - “I really appreciate that you respected my schedule and waited for my call.”).

One caveat, while I have difficulties with my mother (and who doesn’t;)), mine are nowhere in the league of yours. But when I read this post, the thought of thanking her when she gets something right jumped out at me.
 
Hi,

You used a term in your original post that sums up your situation as subsequently described: co-dependent. It seems to me that you would benefit from reading some of the literature and, if possible talking to a counsellor familiar with these issues:

Codependent no more by Melody Beattie
Facing Codependence by Pia Melody
Boundaries and Relationships by Charles L. Whitfield.

All available on Amazon etc.

God Bless
 
Boy, do I feel bad!!

I finally called my mom today on my drive down and she told me why she called me so many times last weekend. It turns out she has gotten back together with my father and she wanted me to be the first to know.

OOPS! :o

I guess it doesn’t negate all the other stuff though but I still felt really bad after I found out.
 
it doesn’t negate all the other stuff.

you didn’t have to be the first to know.
 
Your mom could have left a message on your telephone or sent you an e-mail.

I don’t think you were the first to know because your sister lives with her. Plus, your brother stays in touch with her.

Here is some new advise… Start sharing information with your sister and brother even if you are not close to them. It is time to become united and ask eachother questions about their lifes with mom. You will be surprised all the things your mom has done to them.

You can start by asking them privately who was the first to know that your mom got together with your dad? Did your mom tell your neighbors first?lol.

You need to learn to create an alliance with your siblings so you can also hear their side of the story. For example: My Mom has money in the bank to buy whatever she needs.
She decided she wanted all of us to give her cash so she could buy a t.v. for her birthday.
I called my two sisters and discussed it. At first I was against it but then decided to give her some money for the t.v… If we buy her presents she will most likely give it away.

When mom tells a lie… I can catch her in her lies by asking my sister what really happened. My mom told me that my sister bought her a terrible sandwich. She told me she had asked my sister to just bring her a sandwich from the restaurant one day when they were on holiday for two days. I called my sister and she told me Mom had requested a turkey sandwich which she had paid $8. dollars for it and it was from a nice restaurant.

So you see the difference in the stories/lies my mom says? Check things out with others so you can find out if she is telling the truth. Ask your dad too in private. lol.

My Mom messed me up with a relative by talking bad about me so I wasn’t invited to their Christmas party because of mom doing a “defamation of charactor” on me to my relatives and other people. But you know what? They are not my favorite relatives anyway.

I am waiting right now for my adult son to come over to visit me for Christmas Eve.

Remember… check things out. Merry Christmas, Lucy
 
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