Seeking Second Opinion

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gborbely

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I’m sure this is something that other singles out there might learn from. I’m once again on the lookout for another (dating) relationship but before doing so, I’d just like to know what other people, besides some fellow parishioners including my parents, might think I, or any one else in my position should do.

As some of you may already know, I’m 54 years old and single due to the fact that up until earlier this year, I’ve suffered severe depression and ocd for at least the past 25 years that’s prevented me from forming any meaningful relationship. I have now almost fully recovered and have just recently enrolled in a special fitness program that also involves an improved diet meant to address severe weight loss.

I’ve had three girls ranging in age between sat 35 and 52 approach me, one of which appeared to be quite attractive downtown near the gym within the last two weeks with the explicit intention of pursuing things a little further. The thing that concerns me the most however before I even attempt to get serious over this is the fact that a lot of people out there may not be in a position to adopt The Catholic way of life, including all of Its dogmas and practices. Some of these people are divorced or choose to practice morality contrary to the Catholic Faith. If I should meet with such a person and we become interested in each other to the point of creating a special relationship, when and how should I introduce them to the Faith,if at all?

Another concern I have is age. Would it necessarily be wrong for a person my age to hang out, perhaps with the intention to someday marry, with someone about 17 to 20 years younger than myself? I’ve heard it’s been done but seems to be highly discouraged by the general public ( my parents included).

Should I reject anyone, as I have been doing (charitably of course), before actually completing my fitness program and without being financially stable , although she’d mention that money wouldn’t be a problem due to the fact that she’s got an excellent job? I’m currently on disability and am still living with my parents. Can we date each other on those pretenses? Would it also be selfish of me to attend college again with the intention of re-entering the workforce while maintaining such a relationship?

I’m finding it quite difficult right now to determine the will of God in all of this. How do I know when and at what time God wants me to form a relationship, if at all?

Thank you and God bless!
 
I would suggest attending Catholic events, conferences, etc. If you want to marry a Catholic, then, date Catholics.

No advice on age, people in my family and circle of friends are all over the place in age gaps.
 
gborbely said:
I’m currently on disability and am still living with my parents. Can we date each other on those pretenses? Would it also be selfish of me to attend college again with the intention of re-entering the workforce while maintaining such a relationship?
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In my opinion, you should get back on your feet first.
 
This is just my opinion, but I think at your age and with your dating experience, you should look for no more than a 10 year age difference. But I bet there are plenty of women your age looking for a practicing Catholic man to date. You may want to look online for someone in your area and meet them for coffee or a meal.
 
Good for you for trying to find that special someone. A couple of things jumped out at me. You seem a little pre-occupied about what your parents think. I understand you are living with them, now, it sounds like out of necessity. However, at your age, you may want to work on that with your therapist. I only mention it because it could cause issues if you have a girlfriend.

My vote is for you to pursue your happiness now, without waiting. Your fitness program should never really be “completed”, right. It is something we should work on indefinitely.

As for the age difference, I don’t think there is anything wrong with an age difference. Would I recommend it? Not really. I would be looking for someone who is at a similar stage in life as me. But that is just me. I know plenty for whom it has worked out just fine.

Best of luck to you.
 
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My mother is of the same opinion; she believes that I should at least become a little more financially stable and secure before even thinking of having a girlfriend. But my worry is, I just might end up rejecting that special someone, as I may already and recently have, before even coming close to being financially secure.
 
Unfortunately, even some Catholics are Catholics in name only. It’s actually becoming nearly impossible to find a good Catholic any where who adheres 100% to Catholic doctrine. I know this from experience while searching CatholicMatch.com. The vast majority of matches I’ve found so far are either divorced or adhere to only to a subset of the Catholic moral teaching. But I guess it would still be a lot easier bringing those so called Catholics closer to the Faith than it would non-Catholics. Attending Catholic events and conferences may indeed be an excellent way of meeting good Catholic people.
 
I’ve actually received, using CatholicMatch.com, requests from about four women within 400 miles to at least send a message. But I just simply didn’t find them attractive enough. With a little more patience, I think I’ll eventually find a good Catholic somewhere. I think, because of the fact I’m meeting with so many women who show an interest in me, I 'm getting a little spoiled and perhaps fooled into thinking that that if I wait long enough, I’ll someday and soon meet with that special, perfect Catholic girl. I’m afraid I just might end up being very disappointed in the end.
 
He thinks I should at least give it a try. I’m expected to place myself in other people’s shoes before making any sudden decisions, however.
 
Yes I agree, my current situation could cause issues while having a girlfriend. I’ll indeed take that up with my therapist as soon as possible.

The one issue I’m having right now is that,due to a lack of appetite over the years and a lack of sufficient exercise due to severe depression, my physical condition makes me appear at least 10 to 15 years ( maybe more ) younger than I really am. For this reason, I believe I’m attracting 26 to 40 year olds instead of the preferred 46 to 54 year olds. I think I’m scaring the older ones away with my rather very unaturally lean appearance. It’s really that bad, sorry. I think that once I have at least recovered a more natural appearance, I’ll be in a much better position to pursue that special one.

Thank you very kindly nevertheless for your encouragement; i’s definitely very motivating. God bless!
 
gborbely said:
The vast majority of matches I’ve found so far are either divorced
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A legal divorce with an annullment is a no-go? f you think like this, you may need to change this.
Naturally, the pool of women free to marry is smaller in your age, and you may thnk what you have to offer first instead of selecting this way.
 
gborbely said:
It’s actually becoming nearly impossible to find a good Catholic any where who adheres 100% to Catholic doctrine.
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A wise man once said “don’t make the perfect the enemy of the good”.

That is why we are called “practicing” Catholics. Someday practice will make perfect.

You will not find a perfect Catholic this side of heaven. Every one of us, from the Pope to someone who was baptized today, is trying and falling and growing in grace and learning more every day.

What is important is to find a Catholic who loves Jesus and who is loving and kind and is willing to get back up and try again after falls.
 
I must admit that I too often overlook my own shortcomings and the fact that I’m no angel either. But I do try to the best of my ability to follow God’s commandments and those of the Church and naturally expect a good match to do the same. I’d definitely have no problem with a legal divorce with a valid annulment faithful to dogma and according to the traditions of the Catholic Church. But you are right, I should approach things differently by way of what I can offer first. Thank you!
 
I can see why a divorce/annulment would be a serious red flag.

Not necessarily a deal breaker. But a serious red flag.
 
gborbely said:
I think I’m scaring the older ones away with my rather very unaturally lean appearance. It’s really that bad, sorry.
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You’re more than welcome to have some of my weight…

Seriously, though, regarding the age difference, the question you want to ask yourself is whether you want your own biological children.
 
I would suggest that you look for friendships, not necessarily a girlfriend. Just ask people out for coffee and chat, just to get to know various people. Maybe find a friend or relative who has a wife/girlfriend and go out with a young lady along with them.

In the course of conversation, you will naturally mention that you’re Catholic, as that’s an important part of your identity. If that scares someone off, you will at least know where you stand. I wouldn’t wait until you are deep in a relationship to spring the news on them.
 
I agree with the above post. You admit you have much to do, such as physical and mental health issues, employment, education, and learning to live independently, before you start considering asking another person to share your life. Marriage is a big commitment!

Whenever possible, go to church-related events. That way, you know they are at least professing Catholics. If you do start to get serious at all, you’ll most likely find out, sooner rather than later, where there levels of commitment to the faith varies from yours.

Finally, I’d advise that the events you choose to attend have something other than finding a spouse or someone to date as a sole focus. You may even consider taking an adult-ed or college course in something you’re interested in. That way, you’ll be meeting potential friends, rather than potential dates/spouses. That way, you’re more focused on making friends.

As to ages…you may have friends of all ages…those of the opposite sex, which you choose to pursue more seriously will be more comfortable with you, since they know you already. Officially, there is no moral limit, except they all be adults!

So, check out your Church bulletin, look for library and local college events, and good luck finding someone! And, keep working on your personal and health goals. It will, no doubt, make you a better partner!
 
Thank you very kindly! Although I agree for the most part with your advice, my primary concern right now is with those who both very young and those more in line with my own age group are actually coming to me, both Catholic and otherwise, and not the other way around, to form a special relationship. This has been going on for some time now on an ongoing and weekly basis. I’ve found most of them to be quite attractive and I’d hate to turn them all down, one of them could possibly end up becoming that dream girl after all; besides, as you may understand due to the pressure this has created for me, I’m feeling a little desperate myself now to experience romantic opportunities, within strictly Catholic guidelines of course.

Since this is the reality I’ve been living with for so long and the fact that I do indeed have and have had for many years a very strong interest and yearning in getting married some day, I’ve come to the conclusion that somehow with God’s grace and support, I can have that special relationship and work on my personal and health goals at the same time. Otherwise I’ll just have to continue turning down potentially perfect matches!

I should also note, that due to my unique physical appearance and the fact I’m out and about all the time, people have over the years become accustomed to seeing and knowing me. I would have liked to become more focused on simply making friends at first, but whenever I did, sometimes it would turn into something a little more personal. My life has been very strange, to say the least. Fellow parishioners have in their good will been almost constantly trying to make a match for me even though I hardly knew them at all. They had however work opportunities for me to enter and opportunities for independence along with better financial stability as a few of them at least were very well off. I’ve also discovered this with some of those who approached me from outside my parish. I should have latched on to at least one of those opportunities! Maybe there’s still hope, God willing!

God bless!
 
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