Seeking thoughts from catholic girls

[cmscms]

I was 20 once as well (that was 22 years ago so extra points for guessing my age) So …now that I know how an older woman thinks, I can tell you about the dangers a man should avoid in a younger woman’s thinking.

Guard your heart !

If this girl is anything like I was when I was 20, here is what is going on in her mind. She initiated the first date ie HER convenience. You even mentioned she put it off a few times. I repeat HER convenience. Young women draw men in for the ‘Hello’ kiss when they know a man is too shy to initiated because they get a kiss knowing full well the man will not go any farther. 100 miles away ! AWESOME ! When I am bored I can read a text with mushy stuff to boost my ego and he is too far away to interupt my plans. I am NOT saying she is dating other men, she is simply getting her ego boost when she doesn’t have to study or work or doesn’t have anything else to entertain her like shopping.

OK, so you just woke up and realized you are the man and you need to lead and you asked her out’ Oh oh … the 20 year old woman is loosing control and it is pay back time. She needs to start taking YOUR feelings seriously. Well that sure was not in the plans. Thus, she needs to think about where this is going which in a woman’s mind means, since I did not promise you exclusivity, I am free to dump you when I no longer need my ego boost and no one can accuse me of leading you on.

I really think you need to forget about her

By the way… keep in mind there is a 99.9% chance all text, emails and letters you write her will be shown to her friends. Now sometimes (about 50%) all the girls are saying ‘Isn’t that sweet’ with stars in their eyes. The other 50% of the time they are laughing at the author

Sorry to be harsh, but 20 is old enough to commit and if she ain’t doing it, you need to know why

CM

 

[sw85]

Don’t overthink it man.

Just go with your gut.

I know that sounds like bad advice, but trust me on this. I have an IQ of 132. I have overthought it before, thinking my gut’s an idiot and it doesn’t know what it’s talking about.

It’s not an idiot, and it knows what it’s talking about. Listen to it. 99% of the time, it’s right.

 

[Samwise1]

Thank you all!
I am indeed planning to send this letter, I am feeling more and more comfortable with it because this is ‘my style’ and she has respected a lot of the more serious things I did to her. Actually, I am looking to this like an invitation for courtship.

It’s an easy temptation for dating folks to just keep it light so I can ‘receive’ her laugh and looks and not be bothered by the formal part of it all. But I feel it’s my duty as a Christian man to guard her as well, and to do this part more officially and carefully. I am sure God will lead and provide.

Thanks for the advices to limit my overthinking and the affirmation that I need ‘eye-contact’. That was my idea as well.

Please keep praying for me!

To Leslie, please know that “funny” can also be “offending”, especially if you don’t know the entire background. I really dislike you calling me ‘Bub’. I’m 32 years old with a Bachelor degree and a major part of seminary education.
Furthermore, she didn’t request space, I offered her space. She requested time to get to know me better.
Then, most of the time I’m thinking about this, it’s one big prayer. I already go to pilgrimages, spiritual guidance etcetera.
I already received several remarks on my pretty good social skills (not the best, but I certainly see differences with other guys in my area). I just have been clumsy this time, and am trying to salvage this to my best intentions.

I do have a large social network, am very active in my parish and there is a lot of girls that could get me interested. However, I feel that this woman is the one I should pursue right now and the fact that there are difficulties arising doesn’t mean I should stop pursuing. I think the biggest problem today is that we guys so easily stop our efforts. Trying to survive these difficulties (which actually just come down to a matter of timing), is what could strengthen it in the future, regardless if we end up together.

To CMS, sorry - I do trust women of the opposite sex, especially this girl. Indeed, she might have had different perspectives when she first asked me, but I certainly cannot believe she’s leading me on - she would really have acted differently. I took leadership much more ago then our discussion, and she has liked and followed, until I apparently rushed it for her. That’s not her fault, it’s my fault and I have to try and correct it.

 

[LSK]

Well I am so sorry I offended you. However, I still believe your sending a letter to a 20 year old woman 'inviting" her to courtship is a very bad idea. However, as you stated, you are a grown man and will be more than (I am sure ) willing to accept the consequences of all your actions.

You are in my prayers, Sir.

 

[LaMusicaSenior]

I just wanted to say how inspirational this post is.

Your story is an excellent example of how to pursue a woman with dignity and God’s timing.

It is very obvious how much you care about protecting her and following God’s will in both of your lives.

You are in my prayers

 

[cmscms]

To CMS, sorry - I do trust women of the opposite sex, especially this girl. .

I would just like to point out that ALL women are the opposite sex from you

And I NEVER said women are not trust worthy. I am simply trying to point out that her behaviour does not at all suggest to me she is. If there are things you did not mention that you see that I don’t, then I don’t get the whole picture. But from what I read in your posts, it just does not look like the behaviour of a woman who is emotiaonally able to commit nor the behaviour of a woman who is interested

You were seeking thoughts and I gave you mine. I totllay respect your right to disagree with me

CM

 

[Bananawind]

I was 20 once as well (that was 22 years ago so extra points for guessing my age) So …now that I know how an older woman thinks, I can tell you about the dangers a man should avoid in a younger woman’s thinking.

Guard your heart !

If this girl is anything like I was when I was 20, here is what is going on in her mind. She initiated the first date ie HER convenience. You even mentioned she put it off a few times. I repeat HER convenience. Young women draw men in for the ‘Hello’ kiss when they know a man is too shy to initiated because they get a kiss knowing full well the man will not go any farther. 100 miles away ! AWESOME ! When I am bored I can read a text with mushy stuff to boost my ego and he is too far away to interupt my plans. I am NOT saying she is dating other men, she is simply getting her ego boost when she doesn’t have to study or work or doesn’t have anything else to entertain her like shopping.

OK, so you just woke up and realized you are the man and you need to lead and you asked her out’ Oh oh … the 20 year old woman is loosing control and it is pay back time. She needs to start taking YOUR feelings seriously. Well that sure was not in the plans. Thus, she needs to think about where this is going which in a woman’s mind means, since I did not promise you exclusivity, I am free to dump you when I no longer need my ego boost and no one can accuse me of leading you on.

I really think you need to forget about her

By the way… keep in mind there is a 99.9% chance all text, emails and letters you write her will be shown to her friends. Now sometimes (about 50%) all the girls are saying ‘Isn’t that sweet’ with stars in their eyes. The other 50% of the time they are laughing at the author

Sorry to be harsh, but 20 is old enough to commit and if she ain’t doing it, you need to know why

CM

I think you make a good point cmscms. I was a little struck when reading because I think this describes the motivations of the young woman who I -quite excitedly- didn’t guard my heart against at all, and was left literally feeling like I was in Hell for quite a while after things ended. If I live for 100 years I doubt I can ever experience such stinging humiliation again. Don’t get me wrong, as tempting as it is to play the victim at times, it would be absurd and arrogant of me to deny my huge responsibility in this situation. I was insecure, narcissistic, self-centered etc. And yet, I didn’t see those things beforehand. It took this trauma –which I still am troubled by although I’ve made huge strides I think- to really begin to see myself as I really am; the sight isn’t very pretty sometimes.

Nevertheless, even though I still feel sad or angry at times there is a peaceful beauty that I sometimes find in the whole ordeal. I don’t think malice was a major contributor to either of our actions. I suppose if we could somehow see into each other’s souls we would not be so disturbed by the other’s actions because we could see and understand the wounds and bad experiences that helped provoke them. Likewise, I think everyone would be well-advised to keep in mind the woundedness of mankind, so we won’t be so quick to become angry or take revenge because of perceived slights. At this moment, I still have some major shortcomings and bad habits, but I feel a peace and a freedom that I have never known. In fact, I see the tremendous value of having time for my own development and independence. Thankfully, this seems to be paying big academic dividends at the moment. Oddly enough, I still have fantasies about her though. Last month, my family and I were on vacation in Sacramento. My mom, sister and little brother had the hotel pool to ourselves one afternoon and all of the sudden, out of the blue, the idea that she was there with us, visiting my family as my girlfriend came to mind. Similar things have happened and there is usually a sense of peace associated with these “imaginings” if you will. Last week, I was in my backyard late at night watching a philosophy lecture on youtube and smoking a cigar. I suppose I was puffing too frequently and too deeply but under the influence of quite a bit of nicotine, I imagined she was sitting next to me under the stars and we had a little daughter who was sitting between us and we were all talking to each other. I don’t know why I mention this except to point out that although I still really do need to forget her, I am glad that for the most part I don’t feel bitter anymore.

In fact I have to be very thankful because I did see her about a year and a half ago on a weeklong boat trip for school (this was quite sometime after my psyche had plunged into the deepest parts of the hellish depths). We didn’t really converse but we had the opportunity to be civil to one another. At one point the instructor, in front of both of us, asked her to ask me to bring her (the young lady in question) a life jacket from the deck. She asked kind of nervously with her beautiful smile. I kind of glared at her a little bit which I regret, but I did go up and get two for her so she could pick the right size. It’s not much of a memory but it’s something. It’s a much better ending than the previous one.

The point is I think, even though she won’t be with me, doesn’t mean I have to dislike her or be bitter about it. I think if I really love her -even if I can never express that sentiment to her ever again- I should want her to be the best person she can be. If that means I gotta get out of the way than that’s the way it needs to be.

Please excuse my lengthy narrative. I hope I don’t distract too much from the point of this thread. Samwise, I think it’s great that you like this young woman. I don’t feel qualified to comment on your situation. If anything, my situation has made me feeling terribly lacking in any sort of wisdom. All I can say is that if any person sincerely asks God to help them to love better –a woman, a neighbor, whoever it is- I believe he will answer, but of course the answer may not come in the form we want it to. This isn’t something to balk at though. There’s a bright side The tougher the road, the better a person may be able to love in end. Good luck with the letter! Or should I say Godspeed! And regardless of what happens keep focusing on your future and enduring and persevering in the universal quest to becoming a better person. Cheers!