Self control

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brendenseth

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I wondered if I could get some advice? My parents are good but the way I was raised was around a lot of yelling and drinking. I know I don’t want to repeat that, but I find myself yelling at my wife more often then I’d like and unfourtunately my 3 yr old has heard me. I just wondered if anyone has gone through anything like this, and if they have how did they overcome it? Thank you.
 
In the past I used to argue with girlfriends, it never leads to anything good, you just have to learn to stop arguing.

Who cares who is right, you only care about your family.

Part of being a husband is absorbing your wife’s emotions, don’t shout, don’t argue just be a peacemaker.

One person cannot argue for long.

Take the dog for a walk, have a shower, sit on the toilet or just pray.
 
I can have a “short fuse.” I am a woman, but I grew up in a home with a father with an awful temper, and I think he and I share temperaments in a lot of ways. :o

I have learned that it is absolutely okay for me to step away for a time if I need to. The “don’t go to bed angry” advice has never been good for me. If I am mad, I need cool down time, and it may take overnight to do it. But I have to be conscious to not just let the anger simmer and get worse.

There are breathing exercises you can do in the moment - paying attention to your breathing and making it deliberately slower. Unclenching fists, sitting with a deliberately relaxed posture. (I would tell your wife about some of these in advance so she doesn’t think you are treating her sarcastically). Say a prayer.
 
What seems to help me in many situations is to realize that Jesus is within everyone; to get angry with someone else (even yourself) is to get angry with Jesus. When I start to have negative thoughts of people, I remind myself of this and it stops me in my tracks.

With a youngster in the house, you probably don’t have a lot of time; I recall when my sons were 3 and I recall it was a lot of sleepless nights and chaos in the household. Still, looking back after 20 some odd years, I wouldn’t trade it for the world. 🙂

You may want to look into a Catholic men’s program called That Man Is You. It’s developed by Paradisus Dei and is targeted specifically to husbands/fathers. Briefly, men are created by God for a specific purpose and we’ve failed our assigned duties that’s why we have so many problems in the family and, by extension, the world. It’s not about beating up on the husbands/fathers but for them to understand where they walked away from God and what are the consequences. These consequences are paid by the men but also by the women and the children. You’ve been witnessed and felt these consequences first hand as you grew up; I recommend you check out TMIY so you can change course and be the man God wanted you to be and the husband your wife married.

Short of that, look into St. Joseph’s way. Though not much is historically known about St. Joseph, there’s a modern revisitation on his role in the Holy Family and what we’re discovering is the great role model St. Joseph is to us. How he obeyed God to “save” Mary and to protect Our Lord Jesus reminds us all, it’s not always about us. We are all called to serve and our ministry of service begins in our homes.

God Bless you.
 
brendenseth said:
I wondered if I could get some advice? My parents are good but the way I was raised was around a lot of yelling and drinking. I know I don’t want to repeat that, but I find myself yelling at my wife more often then I’d like and unfourtunately my 3 yr old has heard me. I just wondered if anyone has gone through anything like this, and if they have how did they overcome it? Thank you.
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I am in a similar situation–my children are near the same age, and my wife and I argue a lot. It used to be that I would yell and get emotional in response to her accusations, insults, and provocations. I have found these bits of advice the most helpful:
  1. Before you walk into your house, pray. Pray that you will be given the strength to absorb any sufferings you may be about to receive. Pray that you will be a holy father and not scandalize the children.
  2. Expect the fight to come. When it does come, you will be ready for it. This does not mean to be pessimistic. Be joyful, but vigilant.
  3. Meditate frequently on the third sorrowful mystery, the crowning with thorns. Our Lord was bombarded with insults and physical abuse and did not say a word in return.
May God bless you and your marriage.
 
808Catholic said:
What seems to help me in many situations is to realize that Jesus is within everyone; to get angry with someone else (even yourself) is to get angry with Jesus. When I start to have negative thoughts of people, I remind myself of this and it stops me in my tracks.

With a youngster in the house, you probably don’t have a lot of time; I recall when my sons were 3 and I recall it was a lot of sleepless nights and chaos in the household. Still, looking back after 20 some odd years, I wouldn’t trade it for the world. 🙂

You may want to look into a Catholic men’s program called That Man Is You. It’s developed by Paradisus Dei and is targeted specifically to husbands/fathers. Briefly, men are created by God for a specific purpose and we’ve failed our assigned duties that’s why we have so many problems in the family and, by extension, the world. It’s not about beating up on the husbands/fathers but for them to understand where they walked away from God and what are the consequences. These consequences are paid by the men but also by the women and the children. You’ve been witnessed and felt these consequences first hand as you grew up; I recommend you check out TMIY so you can change course and be the man God wanted you to be and the husband your wife married.

Short of that, look into St. Joseph’s way. Though not much is historically known about St. Joseph, there’s a modern revisitation on his role in the Holy Family and what we’re discovering is the great role model St. Joseph is to us. How he obeyed God to “save” Mary and to protect Our Lord Jesus reminds us all, it’s not always about us. We are all called to serve and our ministry of service begins in our homes.

God Bless you.
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Thank you for this response, it’s what I needed to hear.Today in wall-mart a worker was really rude to me, before I wouldn’t of been able to let it go. This time I just kept thinking I can’t get mad at Jesus, haha it worked! I will use this the rest of my life, again thank you.
 
brendenseth said:
Thank you for this response, it’s what I needed to hear.Today in wall-mart a worker was really rude to me, before I wouldn’t of been able to let it go. This time I just kept thinking I can’t get mad at Jesus, haha it worked! I will use this the rest of my life, again thank you.
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Just passing on the light given by God! Go be a light to the world and have a Blessed Holy Week! 👍
 
brendenseth said:
I wondered if I could get some advice? My parents are good but the way I was raised was around a lot of yelling and drinking. I know I don’t want to repeat that, but I find myself yelling at my wife more often then I’d like and unfourtunately my 3 yr old has heard me. I just wondered if anyone has gone through anything like this, and if they have how did they overcome it? Thank you.
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I haven’t read the comments–apologies in advance.

I have a huge temper that I am trying to manage (lots of people in my family are like that). here are some thoughts:
  1. Learn to pause before detonating.
  2. Learn to self-monitor. Are you hungry, thirsty, tired, need the bathroom, sleepy, etc? Then take care of that FIRST. We can always have our argument after lunch or dinner.
  3. Most things won’t seem like a big deal tomorrow. It is OK to go to bed mad. Just go to bed.
  4. What are you really mad about? Think about it (don’t stew, obviously, but THINK). You may not actually be mad about what you think you’re mad about and you may actually have a much better and more convincing case than you’re able to state if you just fly off the handle right away.
  5. Are you losing your temper because in your family culture anger is the only negative emotion you feel you are allowed to express? I only realized very recently that that was exactly my situation–I am from a WASP family, and in my family, it’s OK to be angry, but it’s not OK to show “weak” negative emotions like sadness or fear. It’s possible that all of your negative emotions are coming out as fear because you are afraid to look weak by showing other negative emotions.
Best wishes!

Good luck!
 
Fights are going to happen. There is plenty of good advice here on how to limit that. What I will add is that when you do fight, forgive each other quickly, lovingly, and in full view of your child.

You can’t go back and undo the nasty that spills out, but you can turn those bad moments into teachable ones about forgiveness and how love endures even when people disagree.
 
Nelka said:
In the past I used to argue with girlfriends, it never leads to anything good, you just have to learn to stop arguing.

Who cares who is right, you only care about your family.

Part of being a husband is absorbing your wife’s emotions, don’t shout, don’t argue just be a peacemaker.

One person cannot argue for long.

Take the dog for a walk, have a shower, sit on the toilet or just pray.
Click to expand...
Some more thoughts:
  1. What is this actually about? Am I yelling just because I feel bad, or because I have an actual grievance with my spouse as opposed to a grievance with God, the universe, and the laws of thermodynamics? If I feel bad, maybe I ought to say (instead of yelling) “I feel bad because…”
  2. Couples that are going to stay married need to be able to disagree productively and civilly. But if it doesn’t seem to be going anywhere, it’s fine to say, “Hey, this isn’t going anywhere. Let’s wait a day or two and talk about it again. We may have some better ideas by then.” A lot of times, better solutions to problems will emerge just given time.
 
I think many of us have a challenge controlling ourselves when we get a bit hot under the collar. I can lose it a bit at times, with my wife or my children (the eldest in particular - I’m sure this is not uncommon). What I try to do, and over time have gotten better at is:

a) Pausing before saying anything while angry. Always pause. Give yourself time to filter what you are going to say. (If needed, say nothing. It can be frustrating for the other person, but better than saying something hurtful.)

b) Stick to the one topic at hand. Make it about one issue, not about everything that’s wrong with them. This helps keep things fair and also maximised the chances that your one issue will be addressed by the other.

c) and - as best you can - don’t make it about them. Try using lots of first person phrases, “I feel such-and-such when such-and-such happens”. Make it about you together, not just about what *they *do wrong.

d) Recognise when the time is simply not right for this conversation, such as if people are tired or hormonal (sorry if this riles anyone). Especially, recognise when the time is not right for ME to be having the conversation.

e) If needed, leave. You can’t say anything hurtful if you’re not there. Give yourself time to cool off. Everyone needs some time to themselves anyway, so why not take that time when your presence around others may be toxic anyway.
 
brendenseth said:
I wondered if I could get some advice? My parents are good but the way I was raised was around a lot of yelling and drinking. I know I don’t want to repeat that, but I find myself yelling at my wife more often then I’d like and unfourtunately my 3 yr old has heard me. I just wondered if anyone has gone through anything like this, and if they have how did they overcome it? Thank you.
Click to expand...
Sounds like my family, without the drinking.

My parents were okay when things were okay, but they shouted a lot, used physical punishment, basically got down to our level a lot (not in a good way, e.g. name-calling, breaking our stuff to teach us a lesson), there were generally many situations where i feel they lost control and behaved immaturely.
(For example, I vividly remember one time I left my toys on the floor and my mother stomped on them all and destroyed them. I don’t think that was appropriate, I was very young. There were many similar situations.)

They also had a very turbulent relationship with each other, I felt like they weren’t actually ready for parenthood, they couldn’t handle our moods and tempers, problems with us kids really threw them off, they fought a lot, they couldn’t agree on how to raise us. There were times I hoped someone would leave already and I didn’t really care who would be that person, as long as the fighting and yelling stopped.

Now, I am not a parent yet myself, but I have worked with children and in some challenging environments. I also had less than harmonious relationships. (I am only glad none of them ended in marriage.)
There were still things I wish I had done differently, but I think I am making progress.
(We also have a pack of pets who try our patience daily, although they are generally well behaved. 😃 )

What helped me a lot was learning about the background of my emotions and behaviours, and productive ways of dealing with them.

When you learn where your anger comes from, why you feel the need to be aggressive, what it actually means for you, why it is not a good idea to respond to childish provocations (sometimes from kids, but not always) with the same level, etc., it is much easier to change the way you react and even look at things.

For example, I do believe that you have in a way lost the argument if you need to resort to shouting. Especially with other adults.
We yell extremely rarely. In the 5 years we’ve been together, I can probably count the times my husband and I yelled on one hand. We communicate in a more constructive way, even if we don’t agree.

Also, I learned how to remove myself from a situation even if I can’t actually leave, how to regain composure, how to deal with frustration and let go of things that block me, how to assert myself and establish boundaries without being aggressive, etc. There will always be room for improvement, but I can see that my relationships with people are different now, and different in a good way.

(I’m sorry, I don’t remember my source anymore, but maybe you can find a group, course or a professional who can help you with this.)

It is good that you are aware of the problem and trying to fix it. I think it will really help your family.
 
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