Self-forgiveness....from loooong ago, before conversion

[childinthefaith]

First off, my username does not reflect my actual age.

So, about nineteen years ago before my wife and I converted to Catholicism, we were United Methodist. That’s not very relevant to the question, just background.

Before we converted, way back then, I had committed a few horrid mortal sins, and was forgiven by her and I believe by God. Naturally at the time I did not have recourse the reconciliation, else I may note be experiencing this problem now.

Here is the issue - she forgave me, as I had sinned against her. God forgave me as I was indeed truly repentant and asked, yet was outside the Catholic Church, so that is how it worked for me then. I am confident that no priest on the planet could possibly assign a penance more difficult than what I put myself through making up to my wife, nor could I have ever been more contrite.

Regardless, I suppose it was approx fourteen years later, we converted/joined the church through RCIA.

Thing is, I have still not forgiven myself for my sin.

To confront this, I did speak to a therapist I see for military related PTSD, last week, and now am scheduling a confession with a priest probably tomorrow since I am presently unable to go when they have it weekly. i’m sure he will have an answer for me. BUT,
meanwhile, I have to wonder if my not forgiving myself is, in itself, a sin.

It’s just that as a soldier and man, years before that happened and certainly to this day, I live(d) by a code of honor that i broke in addition to sinning. The sin was forgiven, but my honor I feel remains stained, though none has anything against me for this.

Comments welcome.
Sorry so long winded. First post here, wanted to be clear.

Ya all take care,

 

[Limoncello4021]

If you’ve confessed the sin, received absolution, and made restitution if at all possible, you ARE forgiven. God has promised us that He forgets our sins, blots them out, completely gone. That, my friend, is the good news! So if God has done this for you, you need to really work on accepting His mercy with thanksgiving and joy. As soon as guilt enters your mind, dismiss it firmly, make an act of faith, and praise God for His mercy. It is the devil who sows doubt in our minds and makes us wallow in guilt, not God. Don’t give in to his lies. And yes, this is often a process, so just keep praying and Jesus will transform your heart and mind little by little.

 

[childinthefaith]

That makes sense to me. A lot. I find it helpful.
Supposed to be seeing a priest tomorrow for my “final answer,” but I think I simply need his affirmation, not absolution.
Thx so much

 

[Irishmom2]

Welcome to CAF, and thank you for your service.

I am wondering that not unlike what happens with PTSD, there are things that have happened that you just can’t let go because of the guilt or anxiety it causes. If it makes you feel better, when you speak to the priest, just be clear to him what happened and see if he affirms what you think.

You sound like a very thoughtful and loving husband to your wife. I am sure she wants this weight lifted from you. May God bless your marriage and give you his peace.

 

[childinthefaith]

Thanks bunches.
I asked her last week if it was ok with her if I try to approach forgiving myself she said of course.

The thing I’m having difficulty with is that I broke my own code of honor. It’s my law for me and only I can forgive that. Last week is first I’d considered it after confronting the issue with a therapist.

Odd u say what u did. I have PTSD both from war and a traumatic burn injury in peace time, in the Air Force.
Perhaps this is a thing I’m susceptible to, dunno. In any case, I decided to confront this a week ago. I’ve debated every angle with myself since. I’m ready to tell my priest n hear wat he has to say on the matter. I’ll listen to a priest on the matter where I wont listen to anyone else including me. I need that authority to make the call on it maybe.

Thx again

 

[Servant31]

Hey Child welcome to the forum. Ty for your service as well as other posters have said. I have some military in my family so just some thoughts. Most of the military I engage with are the take responsibility sort. I have this type of mentality myself, and I sometimes have difficulty forgiving myself, but also as you mentioned, there is the sense of failure. You establish a standard you want to achieve and didn’t live up to it. I completely get that.

I remember my first confession after a long time, I almost wanted the priest to get mad with me, or …something. After a lifetime of good training that’s how I performed? I’m not sure if this was due to my relationship with authority?

But I actually don’t see this as a bad thing personally. To whom much is given much is expected. However we are still human. Mistakes are going to happen. I think recognizing it as a mistake and moving forward is tough, we are forced to come to terms with the fact that we failed, that were not Superman, not invincible.

However, assuming you were contrite in your confession, you have been forgiven. Taking some time to deal with the emotions, the failure, the disappointment in yourself… this can be really healing. That’s what I would do in your shoes. Take some time in the quiet (no tv or distractions for a while) to just be and face yourself. This can be hard but ultimately the way to engage it.

I’m preaching to myself more than anything here, but hopefully something helps. Best regards friend, can always pm me if needed too. And welcome home.

Edit: I’m sorry I thought you said you already went to confession.

 

[MiserereMeiDei]

The sin was forgiven

Do you mean by your wife or through the Sacrament of Penance?

It’s just that as a soldier and man, years before that happened and certainly to this day, I live(d) by a code of honor that i broke in addition to sinning.

but my honor I feel remains stained, though none has anything against me for this.

It is stained. But it’s yours. The stain you sense on your honor isn’t the same as the stain of sin on the soul. In confession our souls are cleansed of the stain of sin. Our personal sense of honor isn’t cleansed. It isn’t eternal. We have to give up everything just like the apostles.

[7] But the things that were gain to me, the same I have counted loss for Christ. [8] Furthermore I count all things to be but loss for the excellent knowledge of Jesus Christ my Lord; for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but as dung, that I may gain Christ:

If I had to guess, I think you’ve begun something more difficult than what you went through.

I can only speak for myself, but I have had an image of myself that God has been tearing apart, sometimes in little revelations here and there and at other times in large, painful revelations. I found that I was never who I thought I was. I, of course, knew that I was never who others thought I was, but they did help me think I wasn’t nearly as bad as I really am. I pretty much expect I’ll keep finding out I’m worse than I thought I was the day before. I’m also very grateful to know this. But this image of myself, is made of pride. I’m not saying this is the case for you, probably not, but your story reminded me of this. My pride must be crucified. I have to give up everything, pick up my cross and follow Him, and it’s never what I expected it to be.

Jesus and Mary watch over you and guide you, now and forever.

 

[po18guy]

When you were first learning to walk, you fell. Did you remain on the floor or did you get up - even with assistance - and try again? Right! You kept at it and pretty much perfected the art of walking.

And so it is in the spiritual life. I think you may be engaging in what is sometimes called ruminative thought, mulling over past mistakes when they no longer exist in God’s eyes and you have been forgiven. Re-living those sins is a prison cell you have constructed for yourself - a life sentence!

Something deeper is occurring and it may very well require therapy to overcome it. Basically, you are beating yourself up without reason. Don’t beat yourself up - the world will do that for you!

But how to stop? That is where spiritual direction and potentially some counseling come in. Take a glance at the serenity prayer. It is classic and perhaps the beginning of recovery.

 

[Annie]

God allows us to fail so that we rely on Him rather than ourselves. We are not even strong enough to be good without His help.

So where you (and I, and almost everyone else) failed was in not relying on God.

 

[Bluebright]

Ask God to help you forgive yourself. This is what we Catholics call a wound. We say it’s a wound caused by sin in your case ( or it can be by sins committed against us, as it would be if you wife struggled to forgive you) . If you read Isaiah (53 :5) you see the part that says ‘because of his wounds we have been healed’ . So we know that Jesus was wounded for us, so that all our wounds (we all have them in various ways shapes and sizes) could be healed, but he has respect for human free choice. So we must ask him to heal us, as healing can be painful or difficult. Remember in John 5:6 when Jesus saw the invalid by the pool of Bethesha and asked him if he wanted to be well before healing him.
So ask Jesus to heal your lack of forgiveness but be prepared to face whatever comes up and don’t expect it to be overnight. Have patience with yourself and with God, as you did with your wife in this matter. If you and are the type to read, then read Sister Faustina’s diary. It has some wonderful conversations with Jesus on mercy which will help you. If not a reader then try catch the movie which shows a 5% glimpse of the nuns life but none of the conversations.
Confession will give you the sanctifying grace you need to start this journey.

God bless you.

 

[childinthefaith]

I was a Protestant. It was forgiven by God + my wife. Then again all cleared with the genersl confession before we became Catholic. And she certainly doesnt hold the offense against me.

Giving up everything lime the Apostles? I dont see how that possibly correlates to my once broken personal code of honor. Sorry. And not being a smarty.

Beginning something more difficult than I went through, no.
I completely understand what you say about God tearing apart your self-image. Have experienced that myself. However, my honor is part of my identity, helps aid jn how I conduct myself, and I cant imagine God ever wanting to tear it apart. Perhaps God is forcing me to align my honor with the way he desires me to behave more. Dunno. We’ll see.

 

[childinthefaith]

Blue bright
wonderful stuff. Thank you.

 

[TK421]

Forgiveness is an act of the will, not a feeling.

People generally have lingering feelings of guilt and pain after they’ve been forgiven and after they’ve forgiven somebody else, and depending on the circumstances these feelings can range from mild to intense, and the hardest person to forgive is usually ourselves. This goes way back to the beginning of the Church and earlier. People like King David and St Paul were tormented by their past actions and in a modern context they likely could have been diagnosed with something like PTSD.

Keep working with the appropriate people for you to mentally & spiritually heal and get better.

Peace.

 

[childinthefaith]

When you were first learning to walk, you fell. Did you remain on the floor or did you get up - even with assistance - and try again? Right! You kept at it and pretty much perfected the art of walking.

And so it is in the spiritual life. I think you may be engaging in what is sometimes called ruminative thought, mulling over past mistakes when they no longer exist in God’s eyes and you have been forgiven. Re-living those sins is a prison cell you have constructed for yourself - a life sentence!

This struck something in me that I feel a need to respond to.
I’ve done more than fall down while learning to walk. I been knocked down so hard that most men would have given up altogether, laid there into stagnation and death.
I get the analogy so well i can even describe it, but must here assure you that, I am one who refuses to stay knocked down.
I have walked through hell and back physically in war, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually, and I am well accomplished at getting back up.
What I did not disclose, as there was no reason to, but since it relates to “gettting back up” is that my traumatic burn injury left me with chronic pain since July 29, 1991, and I now have a morphine pump implanted inside my body because that drip going to my spinal column for where I was injured, was, after 23 years of doctors trying to find something efficacious, the only thing that worked. I honestly lost count of surgeries, was prescribed everything in existence at some point for pain, but finally, this morphine pump implant on 12/24/2011 started helping and is all I now require. MY quality of life went up by 200%. In that journey, I had gained a LOT of weight. Then on my own I dropped 165 lbs, beat type II diabetes, and finally have the semblance of a normal life again. The list here is not exhaustive, but is to say that yeh, I know about getting back up after a fall.

Moving on to the spiritual life. Ya know, I have read about the interior life, spiritual combat, etc., and am clear on it. But, having the knowledge and applying it are two different things.

“How to stop?” yes, I agree, spiritual direction is needed, and I’ll get that from my priest. I have an actual director believe it or not, but haven’t seen him for a few months due to our traveling.

The serenity prayer - thank you so very much for that reminder!!! Accepting the things I cannot change may well be the key here, or at least one of the keys

Thanks for your time and thought in replying. Sorry if it seemed I went on a tirade about my past challenges - just attempting to illustrate that I do have a warrior’s heart, along with being a soldier and having a strong personal code of honor. But still, application is the key in this I think.

Take care. Blessings,