Self-harm and speaking with clergy

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as1989

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Disclaimer: I am perfectly safe, and am not suicidal

Hey - for a while now, I’ve suffered with self harm. I managed to stop for some time, but I’ve just had a big upheaval in my life and I have started to self harm again. I am a perfectionist and suffer from very low self esteem. It sounds quite odd - but I don’t actually think I’m depressed - I’ve just relapsed and have found self-harm to be a way of dealing with my own low self-esteem, which is both enabled and worsened by my perfectionism.

I have a spiritual director and a very good relationship with my priest (they’re not the same people!). I was thinking of bringing it to the latter (am eager to keep this out of spiritual direction as far as is possible). I just want to tell someone. I’m so ashamed and I feel as though I’m carrying around a big, heavy secret.

I don’t know how to broach it with him - do any of you have any ideas? Am quite afraid about how he will react. Or is this something that should be confessed?

Thank you all so much.
 
For such a serious matter it would be best to seek out professional advice. Priests and spiritual directors may have knowledge of some psychology, but not the in-depth advice you may need. They may be good, or they may accidentally–but with good intention–say something that would hurt you further.
 
You should be discussing this first and foremost with psychological and medical professionals. The priest and spiritual director are neither, and their first move should you bring this up should be to refer you to competent doctors and psych professionals. However, it may be that the priest and spiritual director aren’t sure how to react and as said above may inadvertently make things worse.

You wouldn’t go to the priest to talk about your flu or broken leg. Neither should you go to him to discuss your mental illness.
 
Maybe confession would be the best time? I know that medical help isn’t always the best way being forgiven through confession may well be a better help to you.
 
I have a family member who self harms and maybe through a sense of shame has fallen away from practicing faith,it’s so sad because I know talking to an understanding priest in confession would have helped heal in a very different way than the help of the dr and medication.I think it was embarrassment and uncertainty about how it might have been perceived as sinning that they drifted.
Prayers for you
 
You are a child of God, the Eternal Father. You are of inestimable value in His eyes. See yourself as He sees you.

Most of my life I thought that the sacrament of reconciliation was for confessing sins and receiving forgiveness. It is much more than that when you consider it is for healing. I learned that it was a place to forgive others for the many occasions and ways they had hurt me. It was difficult and is difficult but I have Jesus as a model.

Your body is a gift to you from God; love it and take care of it. Your self harming needs healing.
 
Dear as1989,

Self-harm is a very dangerous condition which needs to be treated by a professional. It is a symptom of a major psychiatric illness. Believe me, I know because my ex-girlfriiend’s daughter has it. Please seek help as soon a s possible. As for confessing it, you are not sinning. But go to confession if it will offer you solace.

I wish you well,

Stuart
 
Thank you all for your replies. I have an appointment booked with the doctor for next week. As you can imagine, I am having a hard time knowing that I am loved and wanted by God at this time, and I feel so very guilty about harming my body and yet feeling so powerless to stop it; it’s for these reasons that I also wish to address my spiritual health as well.
 
www.virtus.org pastoralconduct.pdf

Article 7 maybe 8 may be informative.

I don’t see why you couldn’t see a pastor in another diocese. You could use an alias also and say so. Say you wish to remain annonymous. You really should provide a stipend for their time. They need to eat too, Forget about psychiatrists and psychologists unless they are employed by the Church and admit to being bound by the said code. I wouldn’t put too much trust in any of this though given today’s climate.
 
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StarMapp said:
www.virtus.org pastoralconduct.pdf

Article 7 maybe 8 may be informative.

I don’t see why you couldn’t see a pastor in another diocese. You could use an alias also and say so. Say you wish to remain annonymous. You really should provide a stipend for their time. They need to eat too, Forget about psychiatrists and psychologists unless they are employed by the Church and admit to being bound by the said code. I wouldn’t put too much trust in any of this though given today’s climate.
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Come again?

Virtus does not cover such deep topics such as self-harm. In fact, according to the site, they defer to psychological professionals for psychological matters.

This is not the case of one-time things and traveling in order to remain anonymous will not help heal the very real psychological issues behind serious psychological illnesses.

There are Catholic therapists, and if at all possible we should seek them out. Some are listed on the website Catholic Therapists. Some can be found through a parish directory or by asking a priest as they do not consider themselves “big” enough to want to advertise on the website. There are 2 such members of my parish, both running incredibly faithful practices. They are NOT employed by the church. One does not need a diocesan paycheck to be faithful.
 
Greenfields said:
I have a family member who self harms and maybe through a sense of shame has fallen away from practicing faith,it’s so sad because I know talking to an understanding priest in confession would have helped heal in a very different way than the help of the dr and medication.I think it was embarrassment and uncertainty about how it might have been perceived as sinning that they drifted.
Prayers for you
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Meaning healing through a psychologist…as well as talking with your priest.
 
StarMapp said:
Are you a priest or deacon?
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I’m a female, so I cannot be. However, one of my best friends has gone through seminary and I’m well-aquatinted with what he did and didn’t learn. I am well acquainted with Virtus, which you asked me to examine.

Priests (and Decons) are NOT trained to deal with psychological matters to the degree that the OP needs. For starters, self-harm calls for extremely frequent and extensive help, which most priests do not have time for. Even Vertus recognizes this.
 
You know, Catholicism is not one of those ideologies that forbid people to seek medical help. The Catholic church is pretty much responsible for starting the hospital system in the U.S.

Some things need something more than just good spiritual practice to conquer.
It’s a both and not an either or.
The thing is, if we tell a priest that we will self-harm, or that someone is harming us, then, as a Mandatory Reporter, he will call someone.
He must.
If one thinks that going to a psychologist is embarrassing, or that a priest is better because it’s a secret, it’s a secret he cannot keep. Only in the context of the confessional must he be silent.
 
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You are right to address this with a priest, but first and foremost you should include a psychiatrist that is willing to address the trauma, alternative coping strategies for the cutting as well as medication.

I am a firm believer in augmenting medical treatment with frequenting the sacraments. I wish you the best with your treatment and recovery. Blessings.
 
Thanks for the response.

People pick up on different aspects of a conversation and mine was that the OP was concerned about discretion in his conversations. He also was considering speaking to a priest. Virtus is a fine example of the resolve the Church has made to ensure discretion. I knew that he/she would eventually read that the pastor would notify the subject if there is any potential for conflict of interest in their coming conversation. That to me was a comfort and should be also. Virtus provides a guide for pastors to better their pastoral work among the faithful and others.

“There are Catholic therapists, and if at all possible we should seek them out”

or said in other words…

“This is not the case of one-time things and traveling in order to remain anonymous will not help heal the very real psychological issues behind serious psychological illnesses”.

Psychiatrists and psychologists was my metaphor for cases where there are professionals struggling with their own ethical delemna, and while they are wrestling with their consciences, serving man or God, we shouldn’t have these trusting subjects sitting before them as potential bait ready to hand them on a platter at every turn, or ensure personal records end up at the trash heap. Laws are in place that force them to oblige. I know in the Church where people who should remain discrete have not.

“I am well acquainted with Virtus, which you asked me to examine”

Primarily the OP, and it was meant primarily for his context and benefit which was well suited.

You come off as agitated.
 
StarMapp said:
Psychiatrists and psychologists was my metaphor for cases where there are professionals struggling with their own ethical delemna, and while they are wrestling with their consciences, serving man or God, we shouldn’t have these trusting subjects sitting before them as potential bait ready to hand them on a platter at every turn, or ensure personal records end up at the trash heap. Laws are in place that force them to oblige. I know in the Church where people who should remain discrete have not.
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Dissuading someone who is suffering from mental illness from seeking proper care is extremely dangerous. Making that statement because you believe that somehow the field of psychology is tainted is extremely dangerous…so of course, it concerns me. Yes, we should certainly encourage the use of Catholic psychologists. There are many, and they are faithful. To suggest that they are simply damaged people ready to harm others is beyond the pale.

There are quite a few people on this board who have implied that psychologists are to be trusted under no conditions. This is incredibly dangerous and foolish.

If the OP had diabetes we would not suggest she should skip out on her endocrinology because a GP is just as good. That would be dangerous and foolish.

To suggest anything less than psychological help for a mental illness is incredibly dangerous for the recipient of the advice. Of course, she could continue to seek spiritual guidance for her spiritual issues.
 
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