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Linnyo
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Thankyou:blush:
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THutch04
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Since this is an online forum and I don’t know who is reading this, all I’ll say is that I cut myself for years before I finally decided that it could affect my chances of getting into law school if it was ever discovered by anybody in authority. So I stopped a few years ago, and it’s been a really difficult process. I’ve only actually discussed it with one person in- depth, and as strange as it sounds, I wish I could discuss it more here, but it would just be my luck that an admissions officer would be reading this. They’d probably think I wouldn’t be able to handle the demands that schooling would require, when of course the reality is that I never cut over academic issues, it was always because of personal reasons. I’d be fine studying in the library all day.
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Linnyo
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Probably quite wise not to discuss it if you can be recognised. I was ostracised at my work because of my illness and I eventually had to quit my job or they would have mede me go. They thought my self harm was disgusting even though I tried very hard to keep it hidden. I got caught though. For me IRL, it is a very private thing. I do not want people to know I cut because I know the rejection that comes from it. I am sorry that people do not understand it. i am sad that people are so judgemental.
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juliamajor
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a lot of people are ignorant-some are afraid because they see you as an reflection of themselves.too bad they can’t be kinder I used to hide it from everyone but now heck - I don’t care about their opinions. I 'm not going to let them keep themselves safely ignorant at the expense of me or any one else with mental disorders-and believe me there are plenty out there!! Everyone(whose honest) knows someone close to them that has mental problems. i have wrist scars from cutting- last time I did it was a about a year ago-cut my hand with one of those circular scissor thingys.I do it to relieve my mental pain by giving myself physical pain.I have a teenage daughter who was raped several years ago and was suffering from post traumatic stress syndrome. I hoped my physical pain would prevent me slipping into depression when my daughter needed me the most.Things are better now but when i get ancy I pound by fists against the wall or my head!! As far as a sin-
I feel emotionally ill people are more sinned against then sinning.we need to know that God loves us no matter if we are weak or strong-sick or whole . Please Chyna don’t berate yourself-and don’t worry about the priests feelings-worry about yourself-take care of Yourself.Love yourself as much as you know Christ Loves You!!
This is not the time to be over concerned with being scrupulous . don’t remain on the fence ! Get Help- NOW-there are meds out there that can help you- there are people out there who can help you. take comfort in the fact that Christ loves enough to have died for you - but his love doesn;t end there . It goes on through eternity. A lot of people on this board have been through this and are praying for you .God Love you and Keep you- let the Blessed Mother rock you to sleep in Her arms
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RebeccaJ
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You made me laugh there, picturing rubberbands flying at your boss.Some of the coping strategies I use are:
Pinging an elastic was something I used to do every time I met with my boss to prevent panic attacks. One time, however, i pinged too hard.
- squeezing a block of ice in my hand until it melts
- going out for a drive (my husband doesn’t like this one)
- getting into a place where there are other people e.g. library, shops
- pinging an elastic band on my wrist
- using EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) - google it
- typing in support forum
- going into bed and pulling the covers up over my head and imagining a vast nothingness?
- sitting in a chair and MAKING myself relax using relaxation methods
- breathing techniques for panic attacks
- cleaning everything in sight
- going into woods and balancing on logs
- dancing to loud music
I know some of these ideas are a bit bizarre but they are far less destructive coping strategies. I was taught EFT when I had depression to help deal with anxiety. Some of you may be interested to kknow that it has been known to increase performence in sports, prevent travel sickness and can be used to put you in the right frame of mind for almost anything! I think it works.The elastic snapped, flew across the room and bounced off her desk.
I never had a panic attack but I couldn’t stop giggling. I have never used this method since. My therapist suggested that I imagine people in compromising situations to stop feelings of panic creeping in. I’ll leave that suggestion to your own imagination though.
I know this thing too, though I did stop with self injury many years ago. I preferred needles at the time. It is not about self hate, if anything it is a longing for a love and belonging that is not there, that you won’t let happen. I once had a therapist tell me that I had made myself immune to love. Which, I agreed with in some ways, but not others. Anyway, it ties into those feelings of rejection and not being able to trust out of fear of being rejected. So, if you don’t love, you won’t be rejected. And if you have made yourself immune to love, you won’t have friends that just may reject you. Is that how it is?
I finally said to myself that I could not live a life like this. I need love. I need to trust. I need friends. And so I work pretty hard at love and trust. And it is rewarding. I have love, I have friendships, and I have joy in my life. And if any of that fell apart? I am sure that those razors of emotional pain would wrap themselves around me. But I will plough through. I do know how to do that. The alternative if to have that pain with no balance of love, trust and joy to go with it.
The emotional pain that needed the physical pain for release still comes around. I use some of the same things you listed there for coping. Walking, cleaning, reading, driving (which is the best, I can drive for DAYS). I can’t do the lay in bed thing though, my mind starts to create ways for me to release that pain via physical pain and then I just know that I am screwed, and it all starts to build on itself until I wish that I would just die already.
One thing that I have found helps is prayer. And giving that pain to God. That has been a new discovery for me. Though, I struggle to get past this thing where I just know that God cannot be trusted and does or will reject me. So I work at not going there, but I also worry about going back to my atheism, where God does not exist. And that, my friend, is a downward spiral. So I just plough through, focusing on God’s Love and nothing else until I do indeed get through it. You could say, and be stating some truth there, that this whole thing with God was actually a good part of why I was atheist. I used to call myself God broken, and this is why. I either felt God as pain, or nothing at all. I preferred the nothing at all. It felt really, really good to not have that particular pain.
It has only been in the Roman Catholic church, and her teachings about God as Love that I have been able to work out of this to where I am. But the struggle remains, and I am sure that it always will be there. So there it is. One must learn to cope, or fall backwards.
As for the question at hand, I can’t believe that this is a sin. It would be like saying depression is a sin. However, it is not healthy, spiritually, physically or mentally, and we all deserve to live a life where that emotional pain is diminished, where we have trust in love, and learn how to cope in ways that are not harmful.
Making ourselves immune to love, not trusting love out of fear, is a way of coping as well. That too is not good for our souls, and is in fact a harmful circle that will tighten around us until we can’t breathe.
The final coping method is to take that step of faith, that one that you find the hardest to do, the one that requires that you Trust. Whether it be God or a person who is extending a hand of friendship. When you do it, you will feel that emotional pain pulling you back, but you have to plough through it or forever let it keep you caged. You have to free yourself, with help from those who love you, including God.
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Linnyo
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Your post made a lot of sense and rang true in many ways. I was interested to read that you couldn’t do the lying in bed thing but what I never ever said was what I visualised whilst lying in bed. I would take myself to the nothingness of death. It was not a happy thing but rather peaceful. It was like I switched my head off. I lay there imagining the nothingness for many days. It was almost like you said about your own atheism. I tried to make believe that there was nothing. If it hadn’t been for the fact that there is a God, I would not be here today. I would have sought that nothingness in a more literal sense. However, I am alive, and living in God’s grace and all I can do is be thankful that I never fell into my dream of atheism.
Now, I said a few days ago that I don’t self harm. I have been having panic attacks over the last few weeks ago. I don’t know why they have returned but I do know that they are getting worse and I have hurt myself again by bruising. Please pray that the panic attacks will go away again and that I will not be self-destructive any more. Thanks.
Lyndsey
Now, I said a few days ago that I don’t self harm. I have been having panic attacks over the last few weeks ago. I don’t know why they have returned but I do know that they are getting worse and I have hurt myself again by bruising. Please pray that the panic attacks will go away again and that I will not be self-destructive any more. Thanks.
Lyndsey
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RebeccaJ
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Lyndsey, that is exactly why lying around in a quiet room is not good. I understand your pain, I really do. I know what that nothing feels like. You feel the peace in it but you also feel the pain in it.
Don’t go there girl. The only thing there is Nothing. Turn from that door that leads to nothing and close it. Come walk this path where your Lord is in the lead, where your Blessed Mother holds you in Her arms, where there is life and where there is Love. Here are all of the good things that you know and should focus on. People say things, I know they do, that trigger what you are feeling. Don’t focus on the trigger, focus on what gets you out of it in a good, healthy full of life way.
Give your pain to God, and feel yourself in His protection. No one can harm you there. You are not this pain you are feeling and it is not you. You are someone who deserves all the Love in the world. Trust that. Let yourself feel that Love and let it guide you to it.
Rebecca
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Chyna
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THutch04,
There is a place in which you can discuss this. Only approved members allowed. PM me and i will let you know of this private site.
Chyna
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Chyna
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You are very brave to have written what you did.Thank you for posting the quote above, but really i dunno how to say this…i am shaking just at the thought of writing this much…
At the risk of being warned or thrown off this site, i shall only say this. There is no problem between God and myself. i know and only trust Him. It is not something i can not put into words here. May i say this though, i relate to your daughter.
However, i punish that which is bad.
Chyna
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juliamajor
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Punishment is in God’s hands- repentance is ours.you know it’s funny I don’t take all that has happened as a punishment- to me it’s a lesson. Not that God wanted my daughter to suffer-no-that was man’s doing. But what I got out of the whole ordeal is-don’t judge.You never know what a person has been through when he acts in a manner you consider wrong.Everybody has a “backstory” that which can effect you and make one act strangely…Before correction comes healing-be kind to yourself- love yourself heal yourself-judge no one including yourself. God bless.
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Chyna
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i must say that writing this is very hard. It is very hard to admit to you just how very bad i am. i do not think i am unsound though, due to the fact that i punish that which is bad.
i am now in the knowing of what is happening. Enlightenment if you will, i am now unsure if my practice of self harm is a sin. i being aware of my nothingness,
punish that which is bad. i am in constant conflict with myself. i bare such disdain for humans and myself. Yet, my heart hurts for those souls that are in pain. i wish to take their pain and relieve them of it. Then for those that cause pain onto others, my hate is quite strong. My thoughts are pledged with evilness and conflict. i do not wish harm upon them, yet i wish them away from me. i do pray for those that harm on purpose. Then aware of my filth i implement punishment of that which is bad. i try so very hard to be pure at heart, to truly love and think good will to man. i am aware of a small good part in me, that which hurts for others. Alas, i am bad.
In saying this, i do not wish ill nor do i hate my attacker. i think not of him at all. In a way i became more in love with God because of that. Nor do i hate the others that cause physical and mental harm to me even today. i try so hard not to think these bad thoughts of them. i am supposed to honor them. How dare i think the things that i do, for they maybe unaware of what they are doing or know of another way. Who am i to question? i hurt for them even when they are hurting me. It is i who can not become clean.
i am now in the knowing of what is happening. Enlightenment if you will, i am now unsure if my practice of self harm is a sin. i being aware of my nothingness,
punish that which is bad. i am in constant conflict with myself. i bare such disdain for humans and myself. Yet, my heart hurts for those souls that are in pain. i wish to take their pain and relieve them of it. Then for those that cause pain onto others, my hate is quite strong. My thoughts are pledged with evilness and conflict. i do not wish harm upon them, yet i wish them away from me. i do pray for those that harm on purpose. Then aware of my filth i implement punishment of that which is bad. i try so very hard to be pure at heart, to truly love and think good will to man. i am aware of a small good part in me, that which hurts for others. Alas, i am bad.
In saying this, i do not wish ill nor do i hate my attacker. i think not of him at all. In a way i became more in love with God because of that. Nor do i hate the others that cause physical and mental harm to me even today. i try so hard not to think these bad thoughts of them. i am supposed to honor them. How dare i think the things that i do, for they maybe unaware of what they are doing or know of another way. Who am i to question? i hurt for them even when they are hurting me. It is i who can not become clean.
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RebeccaJ
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Chyna, everybody hurts but it is not required that you hurt for everyone. Compassion, yes. Love, most definately.
I know how you feel. I can take on other’s pain and make it my own and become Angry, with a capital A.
Another coping method that I do…I stopped watching, reading and listening to the news, for months. After a while I ventured back into reading news, but first I read the headlines, and decide if it something that I NEED to know. Or just so much more pain. So much of what is reported is nothing but pain. The news focuses on pain. Throws it at us like it is all that exists in the world. All that matters. Turn it off. You will not be cut off from the world.
Turning off the news is not turning off your caring or compassion. You still have that. You can use it to help. Volunteer. Your Parish has many, many opportunities to help people. In helping people, you will feel compassion and love, not pain and hate.
And let the Anger go. Tie it to a balloon and set it free.
Rebecca
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Julian_Peters
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Thank you to all who have participated. This thread is now closed.
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