Self-worth and being a stay-at-home spouse

[Mirajane]

In the last few months I’ve found myself really struggling with my self-worth.

I’m a college junior on a prestigious national scholarship to a well-regarded private university. I’ve been studying abroad in Europe since the fall and will be here for another three months. I study modern languages and linguistics. Thus far I’ve done well in school; my GPR is 3.75 and it would be closer to a 4.0 if I hadn’t spent one semester stuck living in an apartment that made me sick and almost incapacitated (I’m very allergic to mold, it was awful!). Between my scholarship and working 20+ hours a week, I will manage to graduate next spring with only 20K in debt, most of which has been incurred from my year overseas.

I am currently engaged and will be getting married next summer, soon after graduation. My husband-to-be, who will be graduating at the same time, is in much the same boat as I am in terms of academic performance and student debt, although his degree is in a well-paying niche technical field (literally everyone graduating from his department gets jobs, and people with less impressive CVs than his have been getting 65-70K to start).

He and I have been together for many years, and we’ve always known that he will be the breadwinner in the family. My life’s dream is to be a children’s author, which, if I ever make any money doing it, certainly will not be paying well any time soon. He accepts and supports this, and we have chosen to have a lifestyle where this will be possible for us. But now that graduation is approaching and we are starting to face the reality of paying down 40-45K in student debt, I find that I suddenly feel incredibly guilty for “making” him pay back my student loans for me. He tells me that I shouldn’t, that it’s the least he can do for me and that even if I never make any money at all writing, it’s worth it to him for me to have a liberal arts degree since we intend to homeschool.

Unfortunately, as I’ve started seriously focusing on our expenses (we are also currently planning our wedding which we are paying for by ourselves with what little money we get from our student jobs), I’ve started seeing my value as a dollar value. Subconsciously I’ve started to feel, “Oh, he says he wants a wife who stays home with the kids, but he’s saying that to make me feel better – surely he actually wants me to go to law school! Maybe he even wishes he was marrying a girl from his department instead of me!” I know I’m being silly, but it doesn’t stop the intense feelings of inadequacy and the creeping conviction that he deserves someone better than me (better in this case more or less meaning a career woman). I’ve talked to him about this multiple times and he wants to help me feel better, but his frustration at being so far away from me and his obvious pain that I would ever feel that way is hard for me to see (and makes me feel even guiltier), so lately I’ve just been pretending I’m fine.

My fiance is a wonderful Catholic man, and I converted to the Church in 2009 – in the months immediately prior to my confirmation, I experienced similar feelings of intense worry, despair, worthlessness, etc. I almost backed out at the last possible moment (as in, I almost turned tail and ran away from the priest as he raised his arm to anoint me!). But I found that as soon as it was over, all my feelings of despair melted away and I was so happy. And I’ve been happy ever since – until recently, when I started actively planning my wedding and actively making practical plans about newlywed life. Now I can feel poisonous thoughts taking over again and I feel really helpless. Thoughts keep running through my head like, “One day he’ll regret marrying you,” or “You’re so selfish to want to stay home with your kids,” or even “You should leave him, you’re such a worthless person, he just doesn’t realize how miserable he is with you, he’s so much better than you, being married to you is going to be like having to take care of another kid for him”, etc. I know these words are false but I’m really struggling to shake the way they make me feel. Being alone in a foreign country makes everything harder, and I feel like I’m fighting the devil with one hand tied behind my back.

Back home I would normally try to see a counselor or spiritual advisor but here I’m not sure how possible that would be. I don’t think there’s a student counseling program at the university here like there is back home, and my priest, while kindly, only speaks the local language (a langauge I speak reasonably well, but I still wouldn’t feel 100% comfortable trying to ask for help with this sort of thing).

If anybody has any similar experiences or words of advice, it would make a great difference to me.

 

[akela135]

My situation is very similiar to yours so perhaps I can offer some words of comfort, but remember this is only my own opinion.

My FH is a writer. He has just published his first book and is working on getting his writing career established. In the first month his book was available he made $20 and sold about 25 copies. So slow going indeed. As writing is his passion in life I really want to make it possible for him to work his dream job, especially since I know how much he enjoys it. We have talked at length and agree him being a stay-at-home-father who homeschools any children we might have would be best for our family. I will be the primary breadwinner in the family until his writing career takes off, if it takes off.

He struggles with low self-worth as well. He feels like he doesn’t deserve to stay home and write, especially because it is slow going. Currently he is working part time to pay his bills (since we aren’t married yet and will live apart until we do) but feels like he should be contributing more to our wedding and other expenses, by taking on yet another job besides the two he already has; writing and part-time. I always discourage this.

The fact is, I really love my FH. He makes me exteremly happy and the one thing I want, more than anything, is to make him happy as well. His dream is to be a writer and writing takes time and is hard to break in to. Seeing the joy that brings him, makes me happy. I want for him to be a writer, I want for him to live his dream, I would work as many extra hours or days as needed to give him the time to stay home and write. I judge my FH not by the amount of money he makes but by his character as a person. He is the one who can always make me laugh, who shares in my triumphs and defeats, who accompanies me on adventures, and most importantly prays by my side everyday and helps strenghten me in my faith. Whether he makes zero money or all the money in the world I’d want to be with him because he is who makes me happy, not money.

I suspect your FH feels the same way. He loves you and wants to bring you joy. He knows staying home with your future children would be a wonderful blessing to your family and wants to support you, knowing you would support him if the situation was reversed.

My advice would be to remember you don’t have to cement anything in stone, aside from your marriage itself. Be open to continue discussing what is best for your family together. If you think, “year one I’ll stay at home, then year two we will re-evaluate the situation and then make the best choice for our family” it might help you feel more confidence in yourself and the situation. Sorry for writing such a book in responce!

 

[EasterJoy]

You might think of it this way: Many great saints were monks and clerics who were allowed to be scholars and writers because of the labors of laypeople and fellow monks.

Another way to think of it is this: When you are married, you can believe that there is no “your work” and “my work”, just as there is no “your money” and “my money” or “your debt” and “my debt”. Rather, you decide what the two of you want to accomplish as a couple, how you want to develop each of you as a joint project, how you are going to arrange your lives so as to make you both saints, as if you were in a monastery of two. When you publish, it will be your husband’s to be proud of, just as much as a Benedictine monastery could join in the joy when one of their monks produced worthy writings, whether those be icons or manuscripts. When you have one life, that is how it works.

 

[Usige]

My wife and I had a similar situation when we first got married. I am a computer engineer and she was studying for a degree in Cultural Anthropology when we got married. When she got pregnant with our oldest she took time off from school. A year later when were were trying to figure out if she would resume her studies, she said she felt guilty. I asked her why and she said she wanted to stay home and raise our daughter.

Fast forward 16 years and she still has not gone back to finish her degree and is raising and home schooling our 5 kids. I asked her a couple years ago if she regrets not completing school and she kinda laughed and said “I have a husband that loves me and the greatest career a woman could want; being a mom. What is there to regret?”

For my part, I have no regrets that I didn’t marry a career woman. I work with a couple people where both spouses have computer programming careers. Do they have more stuff than us? Yep. But are their lives more complete because they both have careers? I don’t know (they just seem to have more stress ). All I know is that the times of greatest difficulty for my wife and I is when we stop trusting God. When we fully put our faith in God he has always provided for us (not always the way we expect, but …)

 

[jpjd]

My mom was a stay-at-home mom. She excelled at homemaking and raising 4 children with my dad. That was her career and she did it so well that it created a strong, loving family life for us and provided the firm foundation and on-going support that made us the confident, capable people we are today, with deep faith.

What about this is of low worth??? To the contrary, it is worth so much, it is priceless. What you are embarking on is God’s blessing to you. Please recognize that God is working through you. Accept His blessing and return it to Him many-fold.

Keep the parable of the talents close to your heart: Matthew 25:13-30

13 “Therefore stay alert, because you do not know the day or the hour. 14 For it is like a man going on a journey, who summoned his slaves and entrusted his property to them. 15 To one he gave five talents, to another two, and to another one, each according to his ability. Then he went on his journey. 16 The one who had received five talents went off right away and put his money to work270 and gained five more. 17 In the same way, the one who had two gained two more. 18 But the one who had received one talent went out and dug a hole in the ground and hid his master’s money in it. 19 After a long time, the master of those slaves came and settled his accounts with them. 20 The one who had received the five talents came and brought five more, saying, ‘Sir, you entrusted me with five talents. See, I have gained five more.’ 21 His master answered, ‘Well done, good and faithful slave! You have been faithful in a few things. I will put you in charge of many things. Enter into the joy of your master.’ 22 The one with the two talents also came and said, ‘Sir, you entrusted two talents to me. See, I have gained two more.’ 23 His master answered, ‘Well done, good and faithful slave! You have been faithful with a few things. I will put you in charge of many things. Enter into the joy of your master.’ 24 Then the one who had received the one talent came and said, ‘Sir, I knew that you were a hard man, harvesting where you did not sow, and gathering where you did not scatter seed, 25 so I was afraid, and I went and hid your talent in the ground. See, you have what is yours.’ 26 But his master answered, ‘Evil and lazy slave! So you knew that I harvest where I didn’t sow and gather where I didn’t scatter? 27 Then you should have deposited my money with the bankers, and on my return I would have received my money back with interest! 28 Therefore take the talent from him and give it to the one who has ten. 29 For the one who has will be given more, and he will have more than enough. But the one who does not have, even what he has will be taken from him. 30 And throw that worthless slave into the outer darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth’” ([Matthew 25:13-30](Matthew 1 | NET Bible 25:13-30)). 271

 

[midori]

Is there anything keeping you from working full-time or part-time in the meantime, before you have a family to wrangle, or before your writing takes off?

My husband is older than me, and his income has always surpassed mine. He graduated with his Master’s when I graduated with my BA. He graduated with his law degree when I got my MLS. He always made two or three times what I earned.

My field is the museum field-- and when we married and moved to our new city, all the museums were building, but not hiring. I used connections with friends to work helpdesk tech for a while, then got laid off. Then I worked as a secretary for a municipality while I worked on my Master’s. After I graduated, I figured it would be an easy transfer over to the library department-- they were always hiring-- but no, there was a hiring freeze, only lifted enough to absorb a handful of Katrina refugee librarians. I had a good pity party for myself-- I was the most over-educated secretary in the City, but my boss snapped me out of it when he said, “Sometimes, you just have to make coffee.” (It was a much kinder conversation than it sounds here, lol.) And I realized that was true-- I didn’t need to tie my self-worth to my income, or my degree, or my job. I just had to realize that circumstances dictated that I had to do x for the moment, and by golly, I was going to be good at x. It didn’t mean I had to be satisfied at x, but I had to be content with it until I achieved y. And as soon as I was free to shop outside my municipality for a job, I was snapped up in a heartbeat, and rose pretty quickly until I was running a department. And then I gave it all up so I could raise a family. And, incidentally, I managed to juggle freelance writing with being a SAHM for a period. (Need to get back into that; that was fun.)

So… long story short (too late!), it’s okay to accept that one of you is going to make more than the other. And practically speaking, it makes sense that the one with the larger earning potential should be the one bringing home the income while the one with the lesser earning potential wrangles the house and the family. But is there anything keeping you out of the workforce until you have a family to wrangle, or until your writing takes off? Even if circumstances dictate that you can’t get a job in your field in the interim, there’s nothing wrong with making coffee while you have to make coffee.

 

[kristacecilia]

What I am about to say has taken me eight years to realize.

The life of a SAHM is INVALUABLE to the family. It really is a true blessing and privilege to be able to do. (Please, working moms, don’t think I am putting down what you do. You work HARD. I have nothing but respect!)

There is this whole idea of being the heart of the family- which, for the longest time, I could not figure what that meant. Being the head seemed to make logical sense to me- technical leader, possibly the only breadwinner, leads the family spiritual and otherwise, ultimate decision maker (while considering what is truly in the best interest of the family), etc. I am a strong, self-sufficient, well educated woman. Being the head of the family is something that would have come fairly naturally to me. I am used to evaluating situations and making good decisions. I am used to leading. Being the heart made NO sense to me. What the heck does the heart do? How can it be more important than the head?

So… eight… almost nine, actually, years later… here I am. Just in this last year I have started to understand.

For a long time to me staying at home seemed pretty mundane and worthless. I changed diapers. I got toddlers down from high places they weren’t supposed to be. I kept kids safe. I cooked meals. Yes, someone needed to be around to do those things, but really, a trained monkey could have done them. There was the whole bonding/security factor (which is VERY important and will make what comes later possible), but honestly, the things that you do to bond and increase security are pretty much just changing diapers, comforting crying children, etc.

As my oldest children moved out of that stage and into the age of reason they don’t need me like that anymore. They are gaining independence. They can dress and care for themselves, even make their own food if need be. They can play unsupervised. They need me for two basic things- discipline (which I do in Dad’s stead while he is at work) and CULTURE. It’s this last thing that is so important. The family culture. That is my job. And it’s not something that is obvious because there is very little emphasis on its importance in today’s society. But it’s IMPORTANT. And NECESSARY. And MY JOB.

The family culture is all about building the home. Not cleaning the house, although that is part of it. Building the home. Managing the day to day cleaning, laundry, and meals is all setting the stage so that the culture can grow.

Who else is going to be there to read those important childhood stories to your kids if you aren’t? The ones that teach right from wrong and inspire them in bravery, empathy, compassion, courage, kindness, and other virtues? The ones that inspire their play?

Who else is going to be there in the kitchen every day at the same time so they know where they can come to talk and work out problems?

Who is going to be there to teach them good work ethic through chores well done? Through setting a good example that they can see (because we know dad works hard at work, but that is a very abstract thing for a child to understand. As far as he knows dad leaves in the morning, comes back in the evening, and we because of that we have money to buy food.) by doing hard manual labor and working for the good of the family. To show them what self-sacrifice is?

Who else is going to be there to take them on nature walks and help them appreciate and learn about the world God created us to live in? To explain and describe and answer questions about the world, God, the Church, and anything else they are trying to understand?

Who is going to be there to plan and execute those important events- birthdays, liturgical seasons, feast days, holy days, vacations, outings, etc. I cannot even tell you how much time I put into our Advent/Christmas plans this year, and it was pretty low key. I would bet at least 40-50 hours of planning and prepping. That s probably a very low estimate. But my children remember that we read THAT story. That we used the GOOD table cloth (that was freshly laundered). That we prayed THOSE prayers every night and sang THAT hymn (even though Dad led it… who do you think compiled all of it?) That we ate THAT special meal on THAT feast day and the reason was _____.

I fully realize that working moms can do all these things but I can’t imagine how they fit all of it into their day. I put in a full day’s work doing these things everyday. I get up earlier than everyone else in my family so that I can pray, cook breakfast, fold laundry, etc. I go to bed later than everyone except my husband so that I can wash the laundry, do any leftover house work, and prep for the next day. I take a lunch break (right now) but usually also have to prep or cook dinner, clean the kitchen, and possibly do housework during that time. Working moms AMAZE me. I know if I were working something would have to give and it would be the CULTURE things that I am trying to build. I could meet basic needs, but there would be a completely different atmosphere and culture here. Being a SAHM offers me the time and energy to put into building that culture of living the liturgical life, the slow life, the life that is thoughtful and reflective, building good habits, developing persons, etc.

I know other people are capable of meeting the needs of kids, and doing it very well. But I am their mother. I want to be the one there when they make those first connections of learning how to read. I want to be the one who answers their questions about life and death. I want to be the one who frames their understanding of human sexuality in age appropriate ways. I want to be there to encourage them to grow in virtue and work on their individual vices. I am invested in them in a way no teacher or childcare worker could ever be by virtue of the fact that I am their mother.

 

[kristacecilia]

Con’t

There is so much to being a mother that is so IMPORTANT that I never realized. Raising the next generation of Catholics and citizens is a huge and important investment of time. Someone has to do it. If I am not up to the challenge, who will be?

Maybe your husband realizes this. Maybe his own mother affected him in ways he realizes now made him the person that he is. I think you should trust him when he says that he wants you as a SAHM. He values you well beyond what you can contribute financially to your family. He wants you to contribute YOU to your family. No one else can do that. He values and loves you as a person that much. What a gift!

Read this link: ourmothersdaughters.blogspot.ca/2011/05/ask-auntie-leila-i-feel-guilty-not.html

 

[SurlyMermaid]

What a great thread! I was sitting here with our baby, feeling discouraged. My husband and his parents feel like I’m “wasting” my Master’s degree and myself. Being a mom is the greatest thing and I stayed home with my other 3 (from previous marriage). It is a full time job to take care of these guys (5 as my stepson lives here as well ). My husband likes to ask, “What do you do for 8 hours a day? Don’t you get bored?” He never stops to think why there’s no mold in the 3 bathrooms, the carpets are vacuumed, the laundry is clean, the baby is happy and cared for…

He’s pushing me to go back to school in the fall for a program that’s an intense, set, full-time professional program. I have NO idea how I would do that with a baby and four other children!

I needed this thread right now. Thanks. I wish I had words for the original poster, some advice or something. Just know how important a SAHM is and it is the best job!!

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Spend some time thinking about whose voice is speaking those words in your head…Whose attitudes did you pick up? Who would have had that attitude in your life? Hint: could be your Mom, grandmother, etc.

Once you know whose voice is on your interior tape, you can decide if you want to replay that tape over and over. Don’t just listen to the tapes running over and over, ARGUE with them, or ignore them, say a prayer, pray to Mary, Joseph, the Holy Family. Don’t give those voices more attention than they deserve. They are like vampires, sucking all the life out of you!

Look at what you will save by staying home with your children. My husband has never taken one day off from work when the kids were sick, on school holiday, vacation, etc. and we have never had the expense of day care. Fortunately, he has not had to travel much, until the last 3 years or so, but when he did, I was always here to carry on with things at home. I have put an evening meal on the table for our whole marriage, he has never had to worry about food, cooking it, or cleaning up afterward (although he does help, I don’t ask him to - when the kids were young, I let him spend fun Dad time with them instead of in the kitchen.). I took them to all the doctor’s appointments, dentist appointments, eye exams, etc. I took them to school and picked them up after school. I did the teacher’s conferences. I created all the family holiday celebrations including buying gifts, arranging parties, cooking, etc. My husband has been able to concentrate on his career, maybe a little too much, but it has allowed him to provide for us and I do consider myself to have been invaluable in the team of the 2 of us and of the family. If I had not done what I have done, he could not have done what he did. Well, he could have, but we wouldn’t have had a family at the same time.

You will have value. Your value cannot be calculated, even just on the “jobs” you do such as chef, chauffeur, coach, mentor, teacher, nurse, maid, assistant, etc. You are Mom, the person your girls are going to model themselves after and the person your boys will look to find in their future wives. What could you ever do in the workplace that would affect so many lives?

 

[twoangels]

Negative thoughts are hard to get around. It is a symptom of depression and may be due to the stress of temporarily living in a foreign country, academic pressures, financial pressures and planning a wedding. That is a lot on your plate.

Its important to acknowledge the difference between what is actually making you feel depresses and what negative thoughts are just a part of the spiral downward. Try everyday to focus your thoughts on the positive. Begin each day with the morning offering and make a list of things you are thankful for.

 

[Aggies08]

Stop borrowing trouble.

When you get married, live on (below) his income.

Work while you can, when children do come, stop working. You’ll have 9mo notice! Living off of his income will allow you to pay down much of the debt in the meantime.

You keep talking about being a SAHM- so I’m assumming a SAHW isn’t assumed?

We are in the opposite boat- I had minimal student loans, paid them off in a year, but my husband has substantial loans. I work at the church daycare part-time (which my kids LOVE and attend the hours I work). I am working there until his debt is gone [next month!], then I will decide if I want to continue. Right now, the kids love being there- I’ll probably keep working there just for the discount/bonus money my check provides.

I’ll warn you, though- I’m very type A, and I was bored to tears at home with my first. I went back when she was 6mo and that 4-5 hr break in the day was a nice relief for us! 2+, though, you have lots to keep up with in the house

 

[Lacour]

I’ll warn you, though- I’m very type A, and I was bored to tears at home with my first. I went back when she was 6mo and that 4-5 hr break in the day was a nice relief for us! 2+, though, you have lots to keep up with in the house

I’m having the flip side of that Type A coin. Now that my kids are past that “lay around” age, I’ve realized I can’t be type A about my career and my family. The earlier poster’s comments around culture ring true. It takes a lot of energy to maintain a home and it’s hard to do that traveling for work every other week. Sometimes it’s hard to remember the last time I wasn’t at least a little tired and/or grouchy.

God-willing I’ll give my notice at the end of this year so I can focus all that Type A energy on home schooling and cleaning my baseboards.

To the OP, what you are feeling is normal and probably the result of the major life changes you have coming. It’s probably also a little tied to today’s culture which tends to value people based on their monetary contributions only. You may try making a list of your goals and referencing back to those when you’re deciding if your actions make sense. It’ll help you stay focused on the task at hand and block our some of the other “noise”.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Maybe you just aren’t cut out to be a stay at home wife. I know that that’s what you and your FH have planned, but maybe your gut is telling you that you do want to work, at least for a while or part time, and if that’s the case you should explore that. Not everyone is cut out to be a homemaker, and that’s ok. Frankly, I would go crazy, but a lot of women love it.

 

[Mirajane]

Wow, thanks everyone for your responses – it really means a lot to me!

Spend some time thinking about whose voice is speaking those words in your head…Whose attitudes did you pick up? Who would have had that attitude in your life?

Upon reflecting, I realize that my insecurities are 99.9% rooted in subconscious attitudes that I’ve picked up from my secular friends here in Europe. My friends here are “nice” but even the allegedly Christian girls I know here are incredibly materialistic and have no family values whatsoever. It’s a huge difference from back home, where I’m surrounded by faithful Catholic men and women. I really wanted to make Catholic friends here but honestly I’ve yet to meet someone my age who is *actually * Catholic. So I’ve been traveling and studying with the sort of girls who consider themselves “like, totally classy” despite the fact that they sleep with a different man every weekend. I am a complete novelty to these women; they respond with nothing less than shock to things I take as pillars of my life, such as daily Mass, confession, chastity, sobriety, etc.

I’m amazed I didn’t see this before but I’m very glad you mentioned it, TheRealJuliane. Honestly, I’ve never felt the need for a “high-powered” career and until recently I’ve been content, joyous even, about the trajectory of my life. My family and my friends back home are all very supportive of me wanting to stay at home to write and be with my kids. My fiance is very traditional and frankly he’s thrilled about having a wife at home.

Clearly, despite my best efforts, the people here have been affecting me more than I thought they could. The vast majority of the girls here are from privileged backgrounds (their parents underwrite absolutely everything). When I mentioned to one of the girls here that this will probably be my last trip to Europe, she got very confused and actually took me to mean that I would be so busy with work that I wouldn’t be able to take the time off (ha!). Most of these girls go on international vacations twice a year, drive new cars, and buy designer shoes when they go to Rome for the weekend because they’re “cheaper” in Rome, apparently.

It’s so ridiculous because I know that I would never want to live that way and honestly I find most of their behavior and mindsets pretty disgusting. Yet here I am, plagued by doubt and insecurity because I’m not going to be a jet-setting lawyer like them. It would be funny except it’s honestly kind of frightening…

 

[Mirajane]

I want for him to be a writer, I want for him to live his dream, I would work as many extra hours or days as needed to give him the time to stay home and write.

…

He knows staying home with your future children would be a wonderful blessing to your family and wants to support you, knowing you would support him if the situation was reversed.

I really need to get this through my head! It’s strange how we can be so willing to sacrifice everything for our spouses, yet be uncomfortable accepting sacrifices from them. I know that I would give up all my dreams in a heartbeat to make his dreams reality, so it’s especially silly for me to think he would ever resent making allowances for me that, really, don’t rise to the level of sacrifice for him. Because, apart from things we neither want nor need, what are we really sacrificing having me stay home? The joy of daycare?

Thanks so much for sharing your situation; it’s invaluable to hear the perspective of the “providing” partner. My fiance says these things to me regularly, but somehow I’ve gotten myself twisted into believing that he can’t actually mean it. It’s important for me to step back and realize that yes, he really does love me that much, that’s the whole reason he’s marrying me!

Aaah, your whole post put a big smile on my face. You guys sound so lucky to have each other!

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Wow, thanks everyone for your responses – it really means a lot to me!

Upon reflecting, I realize that my insecurities are 99.9% rooted in subconscious attitudes that I’ve picked up from my secular friends here in Europe. My friends here are “nice” but even the allegedly Christian girls I know here are incredibly materialistic and have no family values whatsoever. It’s a huge difference from back home, where I’m surrounded by faithful Catholic men and women. I really wanted to make Catholic friends here but honestly I’ve yet to meet someone my age who is *actually * Catholic. So I’ve been traveling and studying with the sort of girls who consider themselves “like, totally classy” despite the fact that they sleep with a different man every weekend. I am a complete novelty to these women; they respond with nothing less than shock to things I take as pillars of my life, such as daily Mass, confession, chastity, sobriety, etc.

I’m amazed I didn’t see this before but I’m very glad you mentioned it, TheRealJuliane. Honestly, I’ve never felt the need for a “high-powered” career and until recently I’ve been content, joyous even, about the trajectory of my life. My family and my friends back home are all very supportive of me wanting to stay at home to write and be with my kids. My fiance is very traditional and frankly he’s thrilled about having a wife at home.

Clearly, despite my best efforts, the people here have been affecting me more than I thought they could. The vast majority of the girls here are from privileged backgrounds (their parents underwrite absolutely everything). When I mentioned to one of the girls here that this will probably be my last trip to Europe, she got very confused and actually took me to mean that I would be so busy with work that I wouldn’t be able to take the time off (ha!). Most of these girls go on international vacations twice a year, drive new cars, and buy designer shoes when they go to Rome for the weekend because they’re “cheaper” in Rome, apparently.

It’s so ridiculous because I know that I would never want to live that way and honestly I find most of their behavior and mindsets pretty disgusting. Yet here I am, plagued by doubt and insecurity because I’m not going to be a jet-setting lawyer like them. It would be funny except it’s honestly kind of frightening…

I would say that most of us are susceptible to others’ influence. You are fortunate if it is only exposure to these Europeans or traveling rich girls; many people fight the tapes inside their heads which were put there by parents or grandparents and those are much harder to eradicate. I’m talking about wives whose mothers never trusted men, and who pound that into their daughter’s head from day 1 - how can such a woman have a good marriage, when those messages are so ingrained?

Anyway, you can see for yourself that you don’t want to be like these people - empty, shallow, vapid. Oh, the shoes in Rome! (That’s really the best they can do??? )

 

[odile53]

You know, I’m not a stay at home mom, never was, and since I’m in my late fifties, won’t be. The only pregnancy I carried almost to term was terminated by an abruptio placentae, the baby died, and I nearly did as well. I had an emergency hysterectomy because they couldn’t stop the bleeding. So that’s my frame of reference. I’m a career woman. I had a successful professional ballet career, and in the past year launched a second career as a physical therapist. God did not see fit to include motherhood in my resume, through no doing of my own. It’s just a fact, and I’ve learned to channel my natural maternal drive to my nieces, my great niece, my patients, and my ballet students.

But I lived through the latter part of the sexual revolution and the dawn of the women’s movement. I think I can interject a little history lesson here. I recall that stay at home moms were somewhat devalued, and I also recall that there were some feminists who were seriously arguing for some sort of economic remuneration for stay at home mothers.

Way back when, when wooly mammoths roamed the earth, and at the beginning of the feminist movement, it did occur to some people that a stay at home mother had some economic worth to society as a whole, and a serious effort was made to cost out everything that a stay at home mother does, if those services had to be purchased from professional providers. Here’s a few that were listed:

Cook. Housekeeper. Practical nurse. Chauffeur. Bookkeeper. Procurement agent. Environmental engineer. Home maintenance repair person. Logistics expert. Secretary. That’s all I can recall at this time (remember, this little article was from the late nineteen sixties,) and at the time the cost of purchasing such services was around $110,000 US in 1969 dollars. Moreover, it doesn’t account for such services as counselor, elementary and high school teacher. Probably the cost of such services would top a quarter of a million dollars a year nowadays. Easily.

That’s just your economic contribution. It doesn’t account for the nontangible but very real benefits of having these services provided by someone who is emotionally committed to their success.

The next time you even get an inkling that you might not be pulling your weight, reflect on these very cold hard statistics!

 

[TheRealJuliane]

You know, I’m not a stay at home mom, never was, and since I’m in my late fifties, won’t be. The only pregnancy I carried almost to term was terminated by an abruptio placentae, the baby died, and I nearly did as well. I had an emergency hysterectomy because they couldn’t stop the bleeding. So that’s my frame of reference. I’m a career woman. I had a successful professional ballet career, and in the past year launched a second career as a physical therapist. God did not see fit to include motherhood in my resume, through no doing of my own. It’s just a fact, and I’ve learned to channel my natural maternal drive to my nieces, my great niece, my patients, and my ballet students.

But I lived through the latter part of the sexual revolution and the dawn of the women’s movement. I think I can interject a little history lesson here. I recall that stay at home moms were somewhat devalued, and I also recall that there were some feminists who were seriously arguing for some sort of economic remuneration for stay at home mothers.

Way back when, when wooly mammoths roamed the earth, and at the beginning of the feminist movement, it did occur to some people that a stay at home mother had some economic worth to society as a whole, and a serious effort was made to cost out everything that a stay at home mother does, if those services had to be purchased from professional providers. Here’s a few that were listed:

Cook. Housekeeper. Practical nurse. Chauffeur. Bookkeeper. Procurement agent. Environmental engineer. Home maintenance repair person. Logistics expert. Secretary. That’s all I can recall at this time (remember, this little article was from the late nineteen sixties,) and at the time the cost of purchasing such services was around $110,000 US in 1969 dollars. Moreover, it doesn’t account for such services as counselor, elementary and high school teacher. Probably the cost of such services would top a quarter of a million dollars a year nowadays. Easily.

That’s just your economic contribution. It doesn’t account for the nontangible but very real benefits of having these services provided by someone who is emotionally committed to their success.

The next time you even get an inkling that you might not be pulling your weight, reflect on these very cold hard statistics!

I guess-timated my own economic worth at close to $500,000. My husband can’t really afford me. It’s good that I love him enough to do it for -0-.

 

[Et_Cetera]

I know what you’re feeling OP, but perhaps in a different way. I’m starting grad school in a few months, and when I come out I expect to make a pretty nice salary. It’s not my absolute dream career (it’s not something I hate either), but I’ve always had this weird fear of not being the breadwinner, even though I’m female. I don’t think I could stand it, and I don’t know why. I’m not an otherwise unconfident person or anything. I’ve always wanted to be completely financially self-sufficient. I’m most drawn to really intelligent guys who don’t make a lot of money (maybe working in the arts or something). My dad is the family breadwinner, and I think maybe it bothers my mom a little, even though we’re all generally pretty happy. So, maybe I picked up some of those vibes? Regardless, I don’t think it’s a weird feeling, OP. My friends crack jokes to me about it, but it’s not like I’m completely adverse to accepting help. I hate to admit it, but I don’t turn away the financial generosity of my parents, when I maybe sometimes should. For some reason, I don’t feel guilt about that, but it would really bother me to take from a spouse. This is probably the most “real” I’ve been on the Internet in a while, so please don’t be too harsh.