"selfish for yourself"

[lynnehelen]

…is obviously redundant.

Have you ever heard this one? I think my parents’ psychiatrist friend just pulled it out of her head to get out of an awkward social situation my father created by asking her to analyze his handwriting, something she was learning.

Meanwhile, he IS so totaly selfish and self-absorbed that he took her literally as giving him special permission to be selfish because of his “special” personality and needs. Later on, it was his so important work. Or both these two things, taken together.

I explained to my husband, who ALSO has a motto of selfishness (he says he is a Buddhist and that, to him, Buddhism means “living for yourself.” Where he gets that I don’t konw.) that the first principle of any and every respected religious tradition or philosophy is ALWAYS to RISE ABOVE yourself and your naturally occurring selfishness, the root of all evil in all men (and women.)

The Golden Rule, noted for being common to all legitimate religious and spiritual traditions: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” They even teach that in American public grade school.

My parents proudly announce their credo, handing the laurels to my little sister, the favorite, for being, also, “selfish for herself.”

This is so wrong.

 

[lynnehelen]

I blieved in this for my father in a way for a long time, because he IS disabled after a fashion, having special needs which would make it make sense that he would have to attend to those before being able to attend to others.

I faulted myself for my similar predicament as a mother, finding comfort in the analogy I made to the instructions on aircraft emergencies: you put the oxygen max on yourself before you put it on your kids. I heard this analogy spread around quite a bit–I don’t know if it was because I always used to say it or not. Recently, I heard it discredited on a Catholic radio talk show: you help others from wherever you’re at, whatever point in your journey, whatever deficits you may have, you follow the call; and I agree with this.

My physical disability when my son was young made it physically necessary to stop and overcome spasms, “freezing,” et cetera–including smoking a cigarette even as he cried for his first bottle because I just had to. I know it sounds gruesome, and it probably was, for him. But he did get his bottle, and I wouldn’t have been able to do it right without the cigarette to orient me. And he never had diaper rash.

This was a special case–I had developed a peculiar disability which, from hearing another woman’s story, I now understand to be connected with the abortions–I could barely feed or dress myself. My son learned to “help” me by some special magic he had, from an early age. When he was tiny, he cried when I had a spasm, even if he was in another room–so a connection remained which God must have preserved as vital to his own survival. You can go ahead and assume the tears, fears and grief I experienced as a new mother, but looking back I remember holding him, and it’s all that matters to me (brings tears even now).

Presently my mother has him again, I pray and also intercede always at the risk of being accused of intefering. Mostly I just observe and then make amends and adjustments for him when I can.

He hates me now. But loves me too. We have a unique bond which is very sensitive.

My mother is healthy and fit, has taken good care of herself, and is in many ways a capable caregiver in ways that I never could have been.

Still, I want to dispute this “selfish for yourself” nonsense–she needs to repent and so does my father, I won’t even go there. And be other-centered.

Sometimes you have to struggle–I just heard a song on the new, PA radio station I am listening to, that put it right for ME, from my own point of view as to my own disability and how to get out of sin–“reach for the higher ground.”