"Selfish" husband

[slsarahlong]

I have never posted to this forum before. But love to read all the great advice that is offered up. I just thought I could vent a little and maybe get some extra prayers and advice regarding my situation. I have been married to my husband for 14 years and we have 6 children(11, 9, 7, 4, 2, and 6 months). For the last 4 years I have been a stay at home mom and my husband has been our sole provider. I love it but I know it puts a lot of stress on my husband to provide. I respect him immensely for doing this for me. I love him and I know deep down he is a really good person but he seems to have so many inner conflicts. I am definitely the spouse with a stronger faith and I pray that one day we will be equally yoked but for now he is basically just a Sunday churchgoer. We are both cradle Catholics but my family is much more active where as most of his family goes to church only when convenient.
The main issue here are my feelings of bitterness and resentment toward his “selfish behavior”. He has an hour commute each way to work and has a lot of work obligations. He is a CPA and is basically completely unavailable to our family from jan thru April. This I completely understand. However during the off season when he has more flexibility I struggle with how he spends his down time. I think he drinks to much. He doesn’t generally drink at home but he likes to go to local bars or hang out with his brother or buddies. He also dabbles in mini sprint racing with his brother and usually only races maybe six times a year but these races are always on weekends in summer and almost take up the whole weekend with prepping and then fixing when done(it is maybe every other weekend in summer). When he is home he is so lazy. Usually sleeps in and then moves to couch to watch movies or television. He contributes very little to our household and I often understand because with six kids it so crazy. Lots of fighting, whining, and crying babies. I dont usually want to be here either but in order for me to just get groceries i have to arrange babysitters, etc. i cant just walk out the door. i often find myself clenching my miraculous medal that I don’t really screw my kids up. I often feel so lonely because I am by myself with kids all the time. I have my mom and sister but hate to bother them with my crazy life too. I could go into much more detail but this is getting long. This is a pretty common argument with us so he knows how I feel. I just think he is more concerned with his happiness than ours. I am now just putting on a happy face and living with it but it makes it so hard to be loving towards him which doesn’t help because I’m sure he feels my distance and can’t be loving towards me either. Any advice? Otherwise please pray for us.

 

[mamaslo]

before this gets any worse, find a counselor you both like and work through this stuff. clearly what you say in the discussion phase is either not making an impact or he is not sharing his unspoken reasons for his justification for acting this way. Do you think he would go? You clearly love him very much, but you don’t want to have to just put on a happy face. There needs to be better connection, in my humble opinion…

 

[Mairin]

Dear SLSarah,

I’m going to be praying for you! I understand how you feel, as a stay at home mother…it can be very stressful when the other parent is disengaged.

Some thoughts about all this come to mind…but please don’t feel like I’m saying this is your fault! Something we all need to remember about our lives, is that when one spouse changes, the other HAS to change to adapt. Those changes can be good or bad, depending on the circumstances. If we are dissatisfied with the way our life is…we have the ability to change.

If your husband is truly a good man, changing YOU should help him re-engage himself back to you and your childre.

What if he feels like his life is just a paycheck to you and the kids? What if he feels lost in the tumult? What if he is just plodding along going through the motions of life, as you are…plodding side by side, in the same direction and failing to notice the other?

You are grateful to him for being the financial leader, which is huge. Sometimes, men need Appreciation. They crave it. Wives may tell their husband this…but our actions may dilute it when we complain about the manner in which they have to accomplish it. Likewise, if we suggest that there isn’t enough, or reminding him of our lack ofs…it tends to make this Appreciation.ring hollow.

Men crave Respect. Find valid things about your husband and focus on his inspiring character traits that made you love him, in the first place. When wives feel respect for their husbands, they should know that our words and tone can dilute the respect we are trying to show him. Sometimes wives are trying only to help their husband but it can come off as lecturing, talking down to them, treating them like one of the kids…etc.This is a huge pride buster for men and it hurts their ability to feel tenderness towards their wives.

Admiration is another thing on man’s list. Husbands need it. A lot of affairs happen because some other woman notices and appreciates your man. Wives shouldn’t forget to notices those things they love about his body, his strength, his decisiveness, his hard work…whatever authentically moves you to admiration.

Maybe…and this does seem selfish of him to a woman who does so much as you do, maybe, he is overwhelmed with the chaos. Can you ask him to help you get the fighting screaming etc under control? Tell him you realize things are chaotic but you are trying to fix it. He wont like being included in any plan because it sounds like just another “hoop” he has to jump through for you. Ask him just to back you up when he sees the older ones ignore your command. Children should be disciplined to immediately do as they’re told, whether that be to be quiet, clear the table, collect laundry etc. Your oldest ones can do a lot to help, and they should. It will make them better people. You tell them that when Dad comes home, the house will be clean and quiet, and a great dinner ready. It can be done. Make everything presentable, including you. Sometimes, when we are suffering, we forget how others may see us.

The reason I’m telling you these things is because I went through what you are going through and I came out on top. My husband was a decent guy in comparison.to others but selfish. Nothing changed until I made it my mission to treat him like a King, caught his attention by changing myself. Men are perfectly capable of changing themselves for the better…but they need incentives. Be the incentive, I told myself. He married me…he must love me somewhere in there. Maybe I can get it back-his tenderness, his caring, his affection and assistance…and I did.

Much prayer, personal change, radical house-keeping, disciplined children…it all makes your home pleasant to come home to. I believe men do need a hobby. Hopefully, he will not be away quite so much…or perhaps involve his family in the hobby. Is there any reason you can’t be his cheerleader?

I commend you for all that you do! Motherhood is sacrificial in nature, as we see. You deserve to get away sometimes too! Ask him to be with his kids because you have a massage to go to. Or the beauty shop…or you are going on a date with friends. You need to have some experiences to share, too. Go out to the bar with him, on occasion. Maybe a once a week date is in order…even a cheap one. Men drink more when they are stressed or unhappy, I’ve noticed, so many these changes may help him not need it as much.

Some people may say,“Why should a wife do all that stuff when its the husband that is the problem!?” I say,“Do it because it is the right thing to do.”

The pay-offs will be bonuses.

 

[cmscms]

Your post did not mention if you ever discussed this with your husband. Have you ever politely asked for help? If yes, how did it go over. I have to wonder if just some honest communication would help

CM