Seminarian and Close Female Friend

[thunderboom]

Hi,

This is that same situation that I am in right now – though I am the girl in it. A close friend of mine is in his first year in the seminary (though we are both in our mid/late twenties). We ended up not seeing each other for 6 months after he finally told me he was going to seminary, but recently we have gone out to dinner together, went site seeing, and play sports together. While I thought I could handle it and be “just friends” I find that my heart cannot be still. As sean_pierce said: “women tend to fall in love quite faster.”

I need to talk to him about boundaries (including flirting with me). I would really appreciate advice on how to tell him and explain that we cannot spend as much time together and should have other people with (maybe even other seminarians). While this friendship maybe fine for him the way it is going, I find it really hard right now.

Thank you in advance! I will be praying for guidance from the Holy Spirit for what to say and how to say it!

I don’t much know what to say - my situation resolved itself on its own, as I ended up kind of devoting myself to a “period of celibate chastity” as Adam-Peter suggested above. I’m also a lot younger than you and your friend, so I don’t have your amount of life experience to address this.

I can say, though, that if you’re going to talk with him about “boundaries,” make sure you find out first if he actually has feelings for you. If he’s flirting with you and the like, it’s entirely possible that he’s into you. I’m just sayin’!

Hope it works out well! Keep us posted!

 

[InThePew]

My question basically is, how should I act around him now? I will be living in the same house as him for about 3 weeks, (he’s back from the seminary for the summer), and I just want to be sure I am behaving appropriately around a future priest! I know this isn’t really a big deal and I am going to act as any normal person would around a seminarian or priest, but I am just looking for any helpful facets of advice anyone might have.

I don’t want to detract in any way from SrMarie’s very wise advice but do just want to make a couple of small observation from a seminarian’s point of view.

Firstly, in answer to JadeHand’s question, act normally - just like you did before and would with any other friend. One of the (many) hard things about being a seminarian (at least for me) is the expectations that come with the role. Obviously these expectations are entirely understandable and I’m always humbled and touched by people’s kind comments and assurances that they’re praying for me (believe me, I need all the help I can get) but when I’m around friends or family, I just want them to treat me the same as they always have and not any different because of what I do. After all I’m still the same person they’ve always known.

Secondly, female friends (or indeed friends of any sort) aren’t a distraction to discernment and as SrMarie being able to interact with members of the opposite sex in a mature and chaste way is essential for anyone discerning a call to priesthood or religious life. Friends, of any sort, provide invaluable support when things are tough and help to keep to keep me grounded in reality.

 

[MissAnne]

when I’m around friends or family, I just want them to treat me the same as they always have and not any different because of what I do. After all I’m still the same person they’ve always known.

Thank you for your thoughts! I see that it is a hard balance and I do want to be friends with him, but since we were hanging out so much one-on-one before he entered the seminary (and before I knew he was going to seminary) I thought that things between us would need to change. For example, I thought that would no longer go out to dinner one-on-one, we would need to do things in group settings, and we would not sit so closely together. After seeing each other three times it is back to the way it used to be which is lots of fun, but is heavy on my heart…

 

[MissAnne]

I can say, though, that if you’re going to talk with him about “boundaries,” make sure you find out first if he actually has feelings for you. If he’s flirting with you and the like, it’s entirely possible that he’s into you. I’m just sayin’!

Hope it works out well! Keep us posted!

I thought I would give a little update and ask for prayers.

We were open and honest with each other and we now know that we both have feelings for each other. Which it is nice that the air has been cleared, but I am now wondering if I am going to be a distraction to him while he continues to discern his calling to the priesthood…

May the Lord guide us!

 

[InThePew]

I thought I would give a little update and ask for prayers.

We were open and honest with each other and we now know that we both have feelings for each other. Which it is nice that the air has been cleared, but I am now wondering if I am going to be a distraction to him while he continues to discern his calling to the priesthood…

May the Lord guide us!

A distraction? No - if anything you’re more likely to be a much needed source of comfort, friendship and support. It’s touching that you want to put his vocation first but he needs you too for who you are.

 

[Alabotacat]

Thunderboom, thank you for taking this issue so seriously and for helping to educate us all in the process.

I watched recently as young school children streamed out of Mass eager to greet and hug the priest they loved. I watched with joy as the priest returned the boys’ affection with some very appropriate jostling and rough housing. I was first cheered by all the little girls hugging him too, but then realized that the priest froze awkwardly with each and every one of their hugs–not reciprocating in any way.

Along the same lines, flashing forward on the age spectrum, I love that this same priest has good sports buddies among his male parishioners and that he vacations and hangs out with them often. I am saddened, though, on behalf of his female parishioners, who cannot enjoy easy friendship with their priest, unless it is essentially vicariously through their husbands’ friendship with him.

Friendship is a gift to be cherished–alongside appropriate boundaries–with both men and women. I think that human beings need deep friendships with people of both genders in order to flourish as mature and healthy adults. Men and women are different, and we need both in our lives in healthy and emotionally-open ways.

May your tribe increase, Thunderboom. I hope and pray that your current 95% certainty blossoms into 100%.

:clapping::bowdown2: