Senior Hope Please

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jmjconder

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This is an adult matter with sensitive questions.

I do not know where to turn. Our marriage is crumbling around differing “definitions” of intimacy.

Our relationship developed in the 70’s. Though we have been together for 40+ yrs, our view of physical intimacy - sex - has never been rooted in, or flowed from, our Catholic faith, though we are and have been very active in our parish.

I bring a very sinful past to this issue, abuse, sex with a couple men before our marriage and during (with his encouragement and knowledge). It was many yrs ago, when I began to study Theology with nationally noted professors from Church approved institutions that I realized how distorted our sexual intimacy was and wanted to right our relationship. We both bring personal issues to the overall trouble.

He has been diagnosed with mild to moderate dementia and is physically impotent (10+ yrs) due to cancer surgery and radiation and I am physically unable - to be physically active - due to yrs of severe chronic health issues that includes major deterioration of all the tissue in my body. I have been near death multiple times, have Dr appointments 2-4 times a week and am fully disabled. As my health deteriorates his focus on sex increases.

This consumes his everything. He continues to struggle with pornography and has told me it is my fault that he continues to battle this. He runs around the internet looking for articles to send me about how good sex is - none of whom are from Church sources. He has expressed his thoughts that he deserves sex for all he does for me and he would be happy being Mr Mom just to have sex. He has threatened to drag me into the bedroom, since “servicing” (his word) him is part of marriage.

We are both impotent. I have battle fatigue on every level and do not wish for our final yrs to be in a constant fight.

Please only respond within the truths of our faith. I am not interested in otherwise.
 
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This is the kind of situation it would be good to ask a priest for advice on.

I am confused though as to why he wants sex from you when he is physically impotent? If I understand that correctly you mean he is unable to have sex…?
 
You need to tell his doctor. Some people with dementia can become aggressive especially when they are feeling confused and disoriented. You need to make sure his medical team knows he is displaying aggression.

I second the recommendation that you contact a priest.
 
  1. absolutely ask his doctor for help
  2. also call social services for support
  3. the priest possibly cannot provide practical help, but can maybe help you deal with the spiritual matters
  4. ref. your sinful past -now you appreciate it was sinful simply repent to Jesus and do the Stations of the Cross several days in a row if you can. Then when you feel ready go to Confession with an out of parish priest and tell him about your private confession and Stations. You will then receive formal absolution and begin to live in Jesus. Don’t stop the Stations either. About one in three times I do them, someone comes into church (often non Catholic) seeking solace and I often offer to show them how to light a candle after which they might join me for a prayer. Caritatis non ficta.
 
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Yes, also contact social services. I should have said that as well. You do need support.

Sometimes caretakers can become victims of abuse, and it’s not because the person they are taking care of is a bad person. It’s simply a function of them being afraid because they can’t remember and get confused.

My grandmother went through that with my grandfather. He struck her and knocked her to the floor several times. This is something he never did before dementia.
 
Yes he is unable to have sex and my tissue thin internal skin tears, bleeds and it extremely painful.
 
I will contact a priest. At one time (a few yrs ago) he agreed to see someone however now he believes that the boundaries of what is and is not part of Church teaching, is what he believe in his heart is right. In my mind these are always sinful.
 
There is nothing wrong with being unable to have sex, if that was part of your questions on Church teaching. If your husband is asking you to “service” him in ways that you believe are immoral, do not act against your conscience. When you contact a priest you can receive better guidance on any specific questions you have.

Furthermore do tell your husband’s doctor about any aggression he has displayed towards you.
 
You are seriously ill…you cannot and should not be having sex with him…you are under no obligation to do so, at all. It sounds like his dementia is getting worse and that you are not safe with him as your caretaker.

You need to contact your doctor, his doctor, social services, and your priest. Do you have any children who can help? Please get real life help so both you and your husband can get medical care and be safe. Good luck, and my prayers go out for you.
 
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