Sensitive & Introverted

[JSAD]

Greetings!

I’m a male, in my early 30’s and have struggled with some sort of bullying throughout my life. I’m basically a quiet, keep to myself kind of guy. I do have social skills and can maintain conversations with people.

However, I’ve always noticed, that it is easier for me to conversations with acquaintances or semi strangers OR only the closest of friends(2-3). This is because people usually enjoy having fun at my expense. I don’t usually ‘give back’ as I know that some statements or jokes hurt me and to reply would show how much i’ve been affected.

Maybe the other person did not intend that, but being the quiet, unassuming guy with very different habits(i like to read, develop my faith, think about deep things, not sleep around or hook up) I get barraged.

I used to put up with it a lot, but now i find myself withdrawing from people. I do maintain friendly conversations at work, am a member 2 societies and workout. I will be getting married soon.I am more comfortable with ‘structured time’ with people as there are specific items to talk about and then we just go our ways.

I’m an introvert (borderline infj).

I can articulate myself clearly in certain occasions, but more often than not i don’t say anything because people are interested in more ‘different’ things to discuss.

From what I’ve described- is anything a problem? Especially the comfort in withdrawing from people(except close family and certain friends).

Thanks.

 

[LPS]

Hello JSAD - congratulations on your upcoming wedding!

I am very much the same as you described. I don’t think it is a problem as long as you remain prayerful, seeking God’s guidance. I think sometimes we have a tendency to “hide” when the LORD may be trying to lead you somewhere.

But I will say that in my experience, a sensitive introvert is as much His design as any other personality type, and He has works & ministries that will fit your personality in surprising ways

God bless you!

 

[GreyWings]

I’m sorry. You don’t - no, shouldn’t have to - put up with bullies. Heck, I’d stand up for you but you can handle them.

Put your hand up to these people and say “STOP. I don’t like that and do not do it again.” Use a firm voice but don’t get emotional. You can be your awesome self but use boundaries, too… boundaries are for protecting yourself and also at the same time respecting others.

Also - congrats on your upcoming wedding. That’s so awesome!

 

[EasterJoy]

Greetings!

I’m a male, in my early 30’s and have struggled with some sort of bullying throughout my life. I’m basically a quiet, keep to myself kind of guy. I do have social skills and can maintain conversations with people.

However, I’ve always noticed, that it is easier for me to conversations with acquaintances or semi strangers OR only the closest of friends(2-3). This is because people usually enjoy having fun at my expense. I don’t usually ‘give back’ as I know that some statements or jokes hurt me and to reply would show how much i’ve been affected.

Maybe the other person did not intend that, but being the quiet, unassuming guy with very different habits(i like to read, develop my faith, think about deep things, not sleep around or hook up) I get barraged.

I used to put up with it a lot, but now i find myself withdrawing from people. I do maintain friendly conversations at work, am a member 2 societies and workout. I will be getting married soon.I am more comfortable with ‘structured time’ with people as there are specific items to talk about and then we just go our ways.

I’m an introvert (borderline infj).

I can articulate myself clearly in certain occasions, but more often than not i don’t say anything because people are interested in more ‘different’ things to discuss.

From what I’ve described- is anything a problem? Especially the comfort in withdrawing from people(except close family and certain friends).

Thanks.

Because you classify your perspective as INFJ, I’m concerned that you could be prone to projecting more onto other people and their motives than might be good for you, but no, there isn’t anything wrong with withdrawing from situations where people express themselves in careless and trivial ways that profit neither you nor the other people. The exception will be when you need to put yourself into those situations for the sake of a greater good, such as letting the friends of your children get to know you and trust you, as an example. My sense is that you “get” that.

I’d suggest being open to your fiancé (who will eventually be your wife) when it comes to interpreting other people. If you are INFJ, you have a legitimate and valuable but yet an unusual perspective. Like everyone, yours is a limited perspective. Unlike many others, your limitations will be different than the limitations of others. I don’t mean theirs is “right” and yours is “wrong,” but rather that you will find natural affection for other people easier if you allow your wife to help you to see with a broader perspective that takes both their perspective and your own into account.

In other words, do not just resign yourself to the difficulties you have in dealing with the typical person you become acquainted with. Try to use your self-knowledge to get the greatest profit out of your challenges and to avoid the most predictable pitfalls at least some good proportion of the time. If your wife can help you with that, so much the better, but you will have to learn to trust her sense of things.

 

[Trident_H]

I’m sorry. You don’t - no, shouldn’t have to - put up with bullies. Heck, I’d stand up for you but you can handle them.

Put your hand up to these people and say “STOP. I don’t like that and do not do it again.” Use a firm voice but don’t get emotional. You can be your awesome self but use boundaries, too… boundaries are for protecting yourself and also at the same time respecting others.

Hey GreyWings. I’m a quiet fan of your posts. But this one is tricky. This one might not work. I mean some classes of introverts can convincingly hold up a hand and stop a charging tiger, but I don’t think I’m one of them. And I don’t know if the OP is either. I mean imagine me standing there with my eyes looking kind of up a bit to the right of the person and my upraised hand sort of shaking a bit as I maybe say “stop?” just loud enough to hear with an unconvincing vibrato. I mean I’d like to be a hero the same as anyone else, but in my life I’m really not. I’m that guy who apologizes when someone walks into him. I think if I tried to pretend I had the strength to fend off a bully this way they would get a real kick out of it. Sorry.

But that’s just me. I mean maybe the OP is different. I don’t know.

And I mean is that offer to stand up to bullies open for me too? Would you mind?

Peace.

-Trident

 

[Trident_H]

Greetings!

I’m a male, in my early 30’s and have struggled with some sort of bullying throughout my life. I’m basically a quiet, keep to myself kind of guy. I do have social skills and can maintain conversations with people.

However, I’ve always noticed, that it is easier for me to conversations with acquaintances or semi strangers OR only the closest of friends(2-3). This is because people usually enjoy having fun at my expense. I don’t usually ‘give back’ as I know that some statements or jokes hurt me and to reply would show how much i’ve been affected.

Maybe the other person did not intend that, but being the quiet, unassuming guy with very different habits(i like to read, develop my faith, think about deep things, not sleep around or hook up) I get barraged.

I used to put up with it a lot, but now i find myself withdrawing from people. I do maintain friendly conversations at work, am a member 2 societies and workout. I will be getting married soon.I am more comfortable with ‘structured time’ with people as there are specific items to talk about and then we just go our ways.

I’m an introvert (borderline infj).

I can articulate myself clearly in certain occasions, but more often than not i don’t say anything because people are interested in more ‘different’ things to discuss.

From what I’ve described- is anything a problem? Especially the comfort in withdrawing from people(except close family and certain friends).

Thanks.

Hey man. I’m also in my early thirties. I’m also an introvert. I’m also not the type to face down bullies in the light of day, never mind in a dark alley.

I mean I don’t have any really good advice for you. That’s what EasterJoy and others are for. But I do have this same problem so I don’t think you are unusual. In a way I think it is connected to being an introvert.

I mean we are so used to thinking things through before we do them that why should it really be a surprise that we don’t move with intuitive action when the need arises? I mean you can’t think your way through that. That has to come naturally. And also we have already imagined the worst these bullies can do to us. I mean far worse than they have even imagined. So why would we want to push our luck? And then there is that thing about being sensitive to pain. I mean the emotional kind. The kind that echoes through your soul for months after an event. For years sometimes. I mean that is what we really avoid. So I think what we do is rational enough. For us. So long as we know that, we should be good. We should be able to think up strategies that will see us through to another day. Another day free from unnecessary pain and distress. And withdrawing from others can be one of those strategies. But we have to be careful. We have to be wise. We have to know when we are being too sensitive. Withdrawing too far can lead to a vicious cycle of increased social awkwardness that can lead to even less sympathy from our peers. So a good strategy is to push the limit of our comfort zone. To always treat people well. To pay them sincere compliments. To look out for them. To avoid bullying by being the first to laugh at our own misfortune. Because sometimes it’s our pride that makes us a target for others. Sometimes it’s the fact that we care too much about some skill or aspect of who we are that any attempt to nick it can cause us to overreact. So we have to be humble too. That takes the power away from the bullies. It really makes it no fun for them.

But I mean I feel for you man. I know your kind of pain. And I hope your upcoming wedding is the best. I really envy you that.

Peace.

-Trident

 

[Angela77]

INFJ’s UNITE!!

I used to be bullied a lot too. I think that we INFJs have some trouble projecting confidence, even if we have it–that’s why I think we get bullied.

I’ve found it useful to try to be extroverted sometimes–only in Catholic community settings though; it’s the only place where I really feel comfortable enough to do that. Being more extroverted in those comfortable settings has made it easier for me to be extroverted in other social situations, as long as I don’t have to prolong it for too long. Gotta have that alone time in the day; that’s how it is for me anyway.

 

[GreyWings]

Hey GreyWings. I’m a quiet fan of your posts. But this one is tricky. This one might not work. I mean some classes of introverts can convincingly hold up a hand and stop a charging tiger, but I don’t think I’m one of them. And I don’t know if the OP is either. I mean imagine me standing there with my eyes looking kind of up a bit to the right of the person and my upraised hand sort of shaking a bit as I maybe say “stop?” just loud enough to hear with an unconvincing vibrato. I mean I’d like to be a hero the same as anyone else, but in my life I’m really not. I’m that guy who apologizes when someone walks into him. I think if I tried to pretend I had the strength to fend off a bully this way they would get a real kick out of it. Sorry.

But that’s just me. I mean maybe the OP is different. I don’t know.

And I mean is that offer to stand up to bullies open for me too? Would you mind?

Peace.

-Trident

You sound very sweet. I think you’re a rare bird in this world. Don’t ever change! But also just know that you don’t have to take it. These people, the bullies, may not know they’re hurting your feelings unless you say something, but I understand that can be hard with your MyersBriggs.

I’m an extrovert, and sure, sic me on 'em! Tell them Grey said to “back off.”

It may help to ask for the intercession of St. Michael, he’s a protective one, too.

 

[1990Domer]

Greetings!

I’m a male, in my early 30’s and have struggled with some sort of bullying throughout my life. I’m basically a quiet, keep to myself kind of guy. I do have social skills and can maintain conversations with people.

However, I’ve always noticed, that it is easier for me to conversations with acquaintances or semi strangers OR only the closest of friends(2-3). This is because people usually enjoy having fun at my expense. I don’t usually ‘give back’ as I know that some statements or jokes hurt me and to reply would show how much i’ve been affected.

Maybe the other person did not intend that, but being the quiet, unassuming guy with very different habits(i like to read, develop my faith, think about deep things, not sleep around or hook up) I get barraged.

I used to put up with it a lot, but now i find myself withdrawing from people. I do maintain friendly conversations at work, am a member 2 societies and workout. I will be getting married soon.I am more comfortable with ‘structured time’ with people as there are specific items to talk about and then we just go our ways.

I’m an introvert (borderline infj).

I can articulate myself clearly in certain occasions, but more often than not i don’t say anything because people are interested in more ‘different’ things to discuss.

From what I’ve described- is anything a problem? Especially the comfort in withdrawing from people(except close family and certain friends).

Thanks.

Congrats on your wedding and you sound just like me and DH. We hate large group get togethers (where we know about nobody) and enjoy small, intimate gatherings. More fun, less drama.

 

[EasterJoy]

Hey man. I’m also in my early thirties. I’m also an introvert. I’m also not the type to face down bullies in the light of day, never mind in a dark alley.

I mean I don’t have any really good advice for you. That’s what EasterJoy and others are for. But I do have this same problem so I don’t think you are unusual. In a way I think it is connected to being an introvert.

I mean we are so used to thinking things through before we do them that why should it really be a surprise that we don’t move with intuitive action when the need arises? I mean you can’t think your way through that. That has to come naturally. And also we have already imagined the worst these bullies can do to us. I mean far worse than they have even imagined. So why would we want to push our luck? And then there is that thing about being sensitive to pain. I mean the emotional kind. The kind that echoes through your soul for months after an event. For years sometimes. I mean that is what we really avoid. So I think what we do is rational enough. For us. So long as we know that, we should be good. We should be able to think up strategies that will see us through to another day. Another day free from unnecessary pain and distress. And withdrawing from others can be one of those strategies. But we have to be careful. We have to be wise. We have to know when we are being too sensitive. Withdrawing too far can lead to a vicious cycle of increased social awkwardness that can lead to even less sympathy from our peers. So a good strategy is to push the limit of our comfort zone. To always treat people well. To pay them sincere compliments. To look out for them. To avoid bullying by being the first to laugh at our own misfortune. Because sometimes it’s our pride that makes us a target for others. Sometimes it’s the fact that we care too much about some skill or aspect of who we are that any attempt to nick it can cause us to overreact. So we have to be humble too. That takes the power away from the bullies. It really makes it no fun for them.

But I mean I feel for you man. I know your kind of pain. And I hope your upcoming wedding is the best. I really envy you that.

Peace.

-Trident

The other problem, of course, is that if an introvert enlists the help of an extrovert to fend off bullies, the introvert too often finds the cure is more mortifying than the disease. There is a need for mutual understanding and mutual respect of boundaries that can be difficult to find.

I’m saying that I do not blame an introvert who does not ask for “help” from someone who simply will not accept what methods of standing up to bullying or unwelcome attentions will or will not be acceptable to the victim of the bullying.

I think of someone who is not comfortable around dogs, for instance. They aren’t going to ask for help if they know the “solution” is going to be to force them to be around a lot of dogs until they see how wonderful dogs really are. There are people who are never going to be comfortable around an energetic Great Dane. Nothing against the dog, but he’s a dog and cannot understand that his shows of love are enough to make some of us nearly wet ourselves and always will. If control of how to handle this situation is taken out of the hands of the person who is uncomfortable around dogs, then of course they’re not going to ask for “help.”

If the OP’s wife is less introverted, I think I’d suggest enlisting her help and just work through how to handle these things in the way that is mutually-agreeable. She is the most likely to hear the OP and believe the OP about what the real issues are and what possible solutions sound the best. It will probably be an iterative process, a give-and-take process, but I think it is the process most likely to succeed.

 

[pensmama87]

I don’t put a ton of stock in MyersBriggs, but I have frequently come up as INFJ as well (sometimes INTJ). I do resonate with a lot of the OP.

My basic feeling is that it’s only a problem to the extent that you, the OP, think it is a problem. I will say I was helped enormously by counseling to learn healthy ways of being assertive and to recognize early signs of manipulation and bullying, and to separate those from ideas I was generating in my own head. I had a few “friendships” where I was treated very badly for a long time and did not really realize what was going on until serious damage had been done. The way I interacted socially tended to attract manipulative and self-centered people. I don’t blame myself for their actions, but it is useful to be able to recognize that kind of thing a lot earlier and know how to calmly enforce a boundary without feeling guilty for doing it. I am much happier socially now.

And yes, I still don’t typically relish large parties. I don’t think that’s a personality flaw.

 

[Trident_H]

You sound very sweet. I think you’re a rare bird in this world. Don’t ever change! But also just know that you don’t have to take it. These people, the bullies, may not know they’re hurting your feelings unless you say something, but I understand that can be hard with your MyersBriggs.

I’m an extrovert, and sure, sic me on 'em! Tell them Grey said to “back off.”

It may help to ask for the intercession of St. Michael, he’s a protective one, too.

Thank you GreyWings. You’re my hero.

 

[Trident_H]

The other problem, of course, is that if an introvert enlists the help of an extrovert to fend off bullies, the introvert too often finds the cure is more mortifying than the disease. There is a need for mutual understanding and mutual respect of boundaries that can be difficult to find.

I’m saying that I do not blame an introvert who does not ask for “help” from someone who simply will not accept what methods of standing up to bullying or unwelcome attentions will or will not be acceptable to the victim of the bullying.

I think of someone who is not comfortable around dogs, for instance. They aren’t going to ask for help if they know the “solution” is going to be to force them to be around a lot of dogs until they see how wonderful dogs really are. There are people who are never going to be comfortable around an energetic Great Dane. Nothing against the dog, but he’s a dog and cannot understand that his shows of love are enough to make some of us nearly wet ourselves and always will. If control of how to handle this situation is taken out of the hands of the person who is uncomfortable around dogs, then of course they’re not going to ask for “help.”

If the OP’s wife is less introverted, I think I’d suggest enlisting her help and just work through how to handle these things in the way that is mutually-agreeable. She is the most likely to hear the OP and believe the OP about what the real issues are and what possible solutions sound the best. It will probably be an iterative process, a give-and-take process, but I think it is the process most likely to succeed.

Those are good points. I think the OP should think about that too.

 

[Bataar]

Hello JSAD - congratulations on your upcoming wedding!

I am very much the same as you described. I don’t think it is a problem as long as you remain prayerful, seeking God’s guidance. I think sometimes we have a tendency to “hide” when the LORD may be trying to lead you somewhere.

But I will say that in my experience, a sensitive introvert is as much His design as any other personality type, and He has works & ministries that will fit your personality in surprising ways

God bless you!

I’m kind of in the same boat. I do not respond or recognize things that are implied so I keep waiting for God to help provide direction and he’s just being far too subtle about it. No matter how much I pray, I don’t get anything. Growing up, this was a pain until we learned I had Aspergers. My mom would ask me to do a chore like vacuum the living room. I’d do it and be done, then she’d get mad at me for not vacuuming more of the house. I wasn’t being lazy or thoughtless, it simply would not occur to me to do more than I was asked or told. Since God doesn’t ask or tell me anything at all, it’s kind of hard to follow his will.

 

[JSAD]

Thanks everyone for your replies. It made me think about a couple of things. I guess in many ways I do tend to project people’s feelings onto myself a lot.

The balance has to be in trying not to be too sensitive all the time without loosing my natural empathy. God has a very good reason for making me this way.

It becomes increasingly frustrating as my non ‘hustling’ ways can leave me out as we all know that it’s the more aggressive kind that get things done.This thing gets pointed out to me a lot and so that’s why it can be overbearing.

But I’ve come to learn a lot about myself and that however you may be, you can use it for good and help others with God’s grace.

 

[Graceful_Lamb]

I’m definitely an introvert. I think bullies like to pick on introverts, because they know that they are less likely to say something. I need to work on speaking up when someone is picking on me. I have a family member who likes to pick on everyone, and it is quite annoying at times. I haven’t gotten up the nerve to tell them to quit it and just give it up already. I keep saying I will do it, but it doesn’t happen. My husband has even spoken to this person on my behalf and it doesn’t matter.