Sensitive- Women only please

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joandarc2008

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So I just started this whole divorce process thing which will be followed by the anullment process thing and I will be living chastely. Period end of story on that. I had a very abusive marriage and I had no sex drive which I attributed to the medications which I was on and now since like two days after he has been gone I found out I have a normal thoughts, emotions, needs, wants, and desires. So what do women do with these and still live chastely. Thanks.
 
Call your local diocese and ask for Catholic counselors, ASAP. You aren’t just recovering from repressed sexual urges, but from being abused. Get a good counselor and start working out how all this happened to you, why it happened, and how to prevent falling back into the same kind of relationship again and again. You have my prayers.
 
Give them to Jesus and keep otherwise busy. There are certain times during the phase where of course the drive is naturally stronger, just be aware of that hormonal contribution, and don’t get too worked up about it. Works for me!

Good luck!
 
I am going to be in a series of places over the next three months before I can really settle down with a Catholic counselor. I did already contact the parish I be going back to in my parents hometown. The why is easy - I found psychological paperwork. My xh has a very pervasive form of NPD/BPD known as Jeckyll-Hyde. The why for chastity is easy. Eucharist beats sex any day. It is not the whys it is the hows. Thank you everybody. I am 31 btw.
 
Joan, this is why it is so important for you to really steer clear of men for a while. What you are feeling is normal, but the vibe definitely does get sent out to men, leaving you very vulnerable. With counseling and a lot of prayer, you will begin to level out in a few months. Going to adoration and praying the rosary daily was the way I was able to get through this period. It is incredibly difficult and achingly lonely, but it probably is necessary to go through.
 
dulcissima said:
Joan, this is why it is so important for you to really steer clear of men for a while. What you are feeling is normal, but the vibe definitely does get sent out to men, leaving you very vulnerable. With counseling and a lot of prayer, you will begin to level out in a few months. Going to adoration and praying the rosary daily was the way I was able to get through this period. It is incredibly difficult and achingly lonely, but it probably is necessary to go through.
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And the worst part is that my xh doesn’t suffer from any of this at all and I hate him for it. I know - hate is a strong word. I’ll get over that again in a couple hours my bad.
 
I just went through your same situation. Absolutetly, you need counseling to deal with all the abuse trauma. You should stay away from men for a while and try to work in your own self. Improve your self esteem and look to make your relatiosnhip with God stronger. I think praying the rosary everyday is a great weapon, at least works for me, it gives me a lot of strenght against temptation; that with going to mass, comunion and constant prayer are the key to beat temptations. You will be in my prayers.
 
joandarc2008 said:
So I just started this whole divorce process thing which will be followed by the anullment process thing and I will be living chastely. Period end of story on that. I had a very abusive marriage and I had no sex drive which I attributed to the medications which I was on and now since like two days after he has been gone I found out I have a normal thoughts, emotions, needs, wants, and desires. So what do women do with these and still live chastely. Thanks.
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Yes, keep busy.

Do you have a hobby? Delve your time in it.

And above all, pray…especially ask for help and prayers from Our Lady. She has helped me a lot. (I’ve been in the same situation.)

Rosaries and go to church when you’re under assault… being in the Presence of Our Lord in the Tabernacle helps a lot.
 
joandarc2008 said:
So what do women do with these and still live chastely.
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One thing I can suggest is watch out about what you watch on TV and movies. Also go to confession frequently if you slip into inappropriate thoughts (these can be either sexual or things like resenting that you can’t have a romantic relationship at the moment). It’s not that these would probably be mortal sins, just that confession helps you avoid even venial sins.

But like if you are having a big problem with missing romance or being lonely, avoid watching romantic movies. Or if you are having problems with sexual desires, don’t watch sexy TV (which is a large portion of prime-time network programming, if you take away reality shows 🙂 ).

Plus a girls-night-out always makes you feel better, if your friends won’t spend the whole time talking about their husbands and kids. 🙂

The rosary is really helpful, and in general asking for Our Lady’s intercession for comfort and peace.

–Jen
 
You ladies have spent some time giving me great suggestions. It is tough right now as I am housebound until I get up to the mainland where there is mass transit. I honestly think it was one of my xh’s for getting me out of the city even with my particular disablility. Well, take care thank you and God bless.
 
I second the advice to steer clear of men for quite a while…for me personally, I was most vulnerable 6 months to 1 1/2 years post-separation. The fog had started clearing and I was getting a new sense of self that I hadn’t experienced in years. It’s a pretty safe bet that a “great guy”, a “wonderful friend” will come along when you’re not ready for it.

Prayers for you, I know it’s hard!
 
BTW - I found the jar were my husband put in a quarter each time we had sex - he left it here “for services rendered” - since last year - 12/6 I earned $19.00 but he was not getting enough. Any opinions.
 
Joan, you have a great sense of humor—you my dear will be just fine. 😃

I also agree that not having a man in your life is paramount to your recovery. Being alone is a real awaking in knowing yourself and your self worth. You will learn new and interesting things about yourself that you might not have realized before because your attention was on someone else.

Right now things are a little worrisome maybe but give it time and you will learn that your actually a very interesting person that has a lot to give.

There’s a lot to be said for being single, at least long enough to recover from a bad “marriage”. 👍
 
How about having your own jar and putting a quarter in it every time you have sexual desires and don’t act on them? 😃

For me, it’s also a lot about avoiding things that get me “in the mood”. I have not been in a relationship for some time, but before I came back to the Church last year, was quite used to taking care of myself. I know certain times of the month it gets more difficult, so I have to be a bit more careful of what I watch/read. It’s also body signals, simple things like keeping my bladder empty. LOL!

Keeping busy is a great suggestion. Sometimes it also helps me to for example play a game on the computer that needs some concentration (I like time management games, guilty pleasure 🙂 ) or watching a good, non-sexy thriller or documentary on the tv.
 
Fae76 said:
How about having your own jar and putting a quarter in it every time you have sexual desires and don’t act on them? 😃

For me, it’s also a lot about avoiding things that get me “in the mood”. I have not been in a relationship for some time, but before I came back to the Church last year, was quite used to taking care of myself. I know certain times of the month it gets more difficult, so I have to be a bit more careful of what I watch/read. It’s also body signals, simple things like keeping my bladder empty. LOL!

Keeping busy is a great suggestion. Sometimes it also helps me to for example play a game on the computer that needs some concentration (I like time management games, guilty pleasure 🙂 ) or watching a good, non-sexy thriller or documentary on the tv.
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Fae- did not even think about it - I’m ovulating. And I’m 31.😉
 
joandarc2008 said:
BTW - I found the jar were my husband put in a quarter each time we had sex - he left it here “for services rendered” - since last year - 12/6 I earned $19.00 but he was not getting enough. Any opinions.
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I’d send him a penny in payment for all the support he gave you! What a jerk! You are well rid of him!
 
Della said:
I’d send him a penny in payment for all the support he gave you! What a jerk! You are well rid of him!
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I’ll have to go to confession for this one but that is about what it was worth. He just sent me an email wanting to know if I was filing and if we could discuss property settlements. Man it made me feel good to give him lawyers information and tell him yes I was filing and no I did not want to talk to him.
 
joandarc2008 said:
I’ll have to go to confession for this one but that is about what it was worth. He just sent me an email wanting to know if I was filing and if we could discuss property settlements. Man it made me feel good to give him lawyers information and tell him yes I was filing and no I did not want to talk to him.
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Sounds to me like he’s the one in need of confession, dear sister! And yes, let the lawyers work it out. You don’t have to talk to him, thank God. Forgiveness does not entail denying the harm he did, but rather letting it go and letting God deal with him. God bless you. You have my prayers.
 
God bless you, Joan! I could have written your words myself. Thought there was something wrong with me for years bc I didn’t like sex. . .turns out it’s normal not to like it when it’s not consensual.

I am a touch older than you, but still under forty. IME, it seems to be true that women hit a hormonal peak at 40, the way guys do at about 18. Sometimes I feel like a high school boy. I keep on top of it by charting my cycle so that I know when I’m most likely to have trouble and need some distraction. I’m also pretty open about it with a very dear female friend who can keep me accountable with a sense of humor. She is happily married and dealing with menopause, so sometimes I offer to swap hormones with her so that all the extra could be put to good use.

I haven’t actually stayed away from men post-divorce. I am an adult convert and came from a culture that was pretty gender-segregated. I had no idea how to relate to men. So once I was divorced, but in the annulment process, I felt a certain freedom to relax more in mixed groups and get used to conversing with men who aren’t abusive. No one-on-one or anything but in social groupings, of course. It actually has been very helpful to me. Everybody knows I’m not available and nobody is playing any games.
 
I actually went over everything today with one of the Brothers from the Fraternity I am headed to with my Secular Profession. It was nice - he said - We don’t like to tell people they are going to get an anullment - but dear you are going to get an anullment - the question is whether your husband will be allowed to marry again.
 
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